apologies for 'same old' worries but support needed, confused.

[CurlyWurlyGirly]

Hi, DD is now 3.5 and have just had the 'are we going to have another' conversation with hubby for about the 20th time! As an only, I'd always said I would have more than one but now, i had a tough time with DD and the only reason i would have another would be out of guilt for DD not having a sibling. Straw broke llama's back today as only remaining mum-of-1 at DD's ballet class announced her pregnancy and gave reason as providing DD with a sibling so not lonely etc etc. How crap did I feel? I cried most of family holiday at easter as could only see families with more than one at our hotel and felt a complete failure. Wisdom says that as an only I will know how to make things easier for dd. I thought this would get easier with time but maybe because I thought for 30years that i'd always have more than 1, its a bit of a mindset to get out of? Sorry, ramble ramble. Also to make matters worse dd is going through a 'i'm lonely' phase and not liking being in her bedroom by herself. i'm considering a hamster or something keep her company in there? I know you lovely girls are probably fed up of hearing same thing and i have read previous threads...just wanted a personal rant/sob online .

[PortoPandemico]

If YOU don't want to do it that is fair enough. I would have liked a 2nd but practicalities have dictated NO! You shouldn't feel guilty about it. I think you have to make more effort with only children though.

My dd is now 5. For at least the last 2 years she needed to be "entertained" more eg someone always had to do Lego/Playdough etc with her. Now, she gets easily bored, so I have set up little gym at the weekend, and am making efforts to make play dates. On holiday, this year we are doing something with a kids club, as she specifically asked last time.

Oh and we got a cat. Who she loves/bullies/feeds etc.

[bluejeans]

Hi, I have 1 DD and when she was around 3.5 I felt under huge pressure both from myself and others. However after a couple of years this subsided (maybe as less people asking/ family dropping hints etc) and I can say that now I am totally over any guilt and uncertainty and happy to have an 'only'. Yes so it is sad not to have siblings but there are many advantages too. I think there's too much pressure that if you can, you should have 2.4 children - not to mention that many of the people who pressurised us would not have known if we were perhaps trying but not able to have any more

I would say that you should stick with your decision and do what feels right for you - it gets easier with time.

[AMumInScotland]

Hi, I think you have to start by recognising and acknowledging your own sadness about not having the children you "assumed" you'd have - the fact that you're not having them because of your own choice doesn't actually make you feel less bad about it, just makes you feel that you're not allowed to feel sad. Things aren't working out the way you believed they would, and it's ok to feel a kind of grief about that.

You say you feel like a failure - I think you have to look at those feelings and "unpack" them. You say you had a tough time with your dd, and you maybe feel you should have been "better" at being a parent to her, or better about the birth and early days, or whatever other aspects you feel you've been less than perfect at.

I think you have to deal with those feelings, almost separate from any thinking about whether to have another child - whether you have another or not, there are good and bad things, but what matters is that you are ok with the choice you have made, whether or not it's the one you might have made if things had turned out differently.

[CurlyWurlyGirly]

wow. thankyou so much for your replies. AMuminScotland, you have hit a whole box of nails on the head and what you have said makes a lot of sense. It's true, because its my decision to stay at one, i don't feel allowed to be sad but on reflection its only me that's put that restriction on myself. I personally find it difficult to make friends so I haven't managed to get the hang of the whole playdate thing apart from a boy from school who dd doesn't really like anyway (!). I think if I apply myself to this, things might be better. I thought when dd started pre-school that playdates would follow naturally but it doesn't seem to work like that.

[deanychip]

It is acutely awful at times.
My child is nearly 6 and an only.

I watch him in the garden playing on his own, and feel awful about it, terribly awfully gut wrenchingly guilty.

truth is, i cant have any more children, we have tried and tried, and had mc after mc.

He askes me for a little brother please, i could cry.

But i am not alone, i have pals with one child, both my sisters have one each. We get them all together, a quick text and we end up with a houseful of kids.

It takes such effort, but is so worth it.
Im not one for socialising either, but i have to, it eases my guilt to see his little face when he has pals round.
Sympathies my love, i know what you mean.

[PortoPandemico]

I think at 3.5 it is a bit early to worry about playdates too much. With mine it kicked in about 4.5. We moved abroad, and like you I find it difficult to make friends. And i have the language barrier to contend with.

Last summer, one of my dd's friends was moving to another school and mum was expecting no. 2, so at the end of term I dropped off a card with my number and said "available" for playdates over the summer especially if she needed a break. She finally took me up on it at the end of August!

I've had other dcs here, but it hasn't yet been reciprocated depsite talk of it. I figure the Belgians are highly family orientated and slowly slowly catchy monkey so to speak.

I have recently put out a post on the local NCT Lifers group and have a few contacts to email re. meeting up. I find it really difficult, but it would lovely to meet some new people and make some english speaking friends for dd.

[PortoPandemico]

Aw deany !

[elvislives]

We are going through a similar thing. In our case DD 25 mo is not technically an only as she is our 5th, but her next nearest sibling is 17.

I'm not worried about her ATM as she is in FT nursery, so I think she's glad of the peace and quiet at home, but it's once she goes to school. By that time all her brothers will have left home.

We've just reached the stage where all of her peers' mothers are either pregnant or have just had their 2nd.

We did consider it but as much as I'd love another baby I don't actually want another child IYSWIM. Plus I'm almost 46 and I think I'm pushing it

[CurlyWurlyGirly]

deanychip, means a lot that you were honest about how rotten it can be. i miscarried before dd was conceived, suffered liver probs during pregnancy and she was born 6wks early with problems. we're all ok now but there is no way i'm putting anyone through that again. i'm just feeling human again after pnd and looking forward. i hope when she goes to "big school" there'll be more parents and so some others who i can arrange playdates with. i think i just need to stop attributing any difficulty/sadness dd has to being an only...that's probably my baggage i'm putting on her. PortoPandemico, good luck in Belgium, can't offer any decent advice but wish you all the luck, .

[CurlyWurlyGirly]

elvislives, it's funny/weird how we seem to go through pockets of "everyone" else being pregnant...just when you don't feel like hearing it. Mind you, i felt like that when we were trying for dd too as it took a long time.

[deanychip]

Curleywurley that is similar to me and the drive behind my decision to NOT have any more children right up until ds was 4 and at school.
I had 2 mcs prior to cocieving him, took 3 years to get him, had pre eclampsia and was hulucinating until i gave birth 4 weeks early.
Birth was awful, ended up with a general anasthetic, ds has slash marks across his back from them "breaking my waters" on induction, these are still very evident scars on his back and as i say he is nearly 6 now.
I had awful PND and he didnt sleep through the night until he was 4 years old.

I could not physically or mentally go through it ever again so made the decision that i would not go through it again.

But over the last 2 years, i just changed my mind. felt that i really want to have another child. Dont know why, have no idea, but 2 further mcs, 2 years of trying and still nothing. I want another, i cant help it, i jsut cant settle with just having ds on his own.

Geared myself up and the idea just felt right, and i feel ready.

Its so odd, the whole thing. I am 39 this year, so feel that my time is running out, this means that the decision has been taken out of my hands, and we jsut will not get the 2nd child that we so want.

[CurlyWurlyGirly]

ah, bless you. yes, similar awful birth to you, my sympathies. hope you have some good news soon and all goes smoothly, x.

[deanychip]

thanks curly, i wanted to reply to use as you are appologising for even posting about this concern and i dont think that you should appologise. Its nice to chat to someone who kinda "gets it".
I dont have any one in rl that i can talk to about these things.
So thanks for posting, and please dont apologise.

[amber32002]

As I've mentioned elsewhere, we have one DS who is now 16. He's grown up as an only child. We coped beautifully with having friends round, him going to friends, sharing holidays with friends, etc. He's never had a proper chance to feel lonely. Once or twice he's asked about having a brother or sister, but it wasn't the end of the world for him not to have one. It worked. In our case, it had to, because of the situation we had with my back arthritis etc, but it wasn't the disaster we'd been told it would be.

So..it can work. Whatever choice works for you as a family, it's fine.

[georgimama]

I have a DS who is only 2 but I am already starting to deal with the fact that he is likely to be an only - we struggled to conceive him (he was frankly, a miracle) and we are just starting, now he is 2, to face the "will you have any more" questions. TO be fair these are not coming from family or very close friends, who know our situation, but from well meaning acquiantances who don't know the story and are no doubt jsut making conversation.

We are trying for number 2 (I had a MC in December) but unless it happens in the next 2-3 years I think we will decide to stop trying, as I don't want a significant age gap. DH's brother is 11 years older than him and they are not close, they grew up in effect as two seperate only children.

Nothing helpful but massive sympathies.

[CurlyWurlyGirly]

yes, the age gap thing is something i'm acutely aware of too, as although i class myself as an only, i have a stepsister who is 10years older, we are never close. Funny, dh is one of 3 & says he always felt lonely when growing up and was never close to his sisters and my friend who is 1 of 3 thinks its great that dd will be an only as she always felt ignored.
Deany, if u don't mind me asking, are u still hoping it will happen or are u absolute that it won't happen now?

[teafortwo]

CurlyWurlyGirly and deanychip - I am so sorry - it sounds like you are going through really horrible thoughts and feelings.

Don't be hard on yourself - If it is any comfort I believe being a good Mum is a multi-layered recipe of many many factors. I deeply believe the number of children anyone has isn't the be all and end all of nurturing a child into a rounded adult or having a happy, succesful and peaceful childhood and adulthood to follow.

There is more to it than just family size. It is about providing your child with guidance through many life experiences that give them a balanced understanding of life. To give a fairly transparent example - If I had more than one child I would be searching for 'special time' with each of my children - knowing this is needed to make the balance. Having just one, like you described you do Curly, I have always made sure my dd has quite an active social life to get this balance too - and it is fairly easy in modern life. However, more than all this being a good Mum is basically about love. Thats it! Love.... something about Swings..... and.... roundabouts comes to mind over the finer details of anythingelse!

However, there seems to be a general belief in society that if you have one child you somehow are failing your child... and it seems socially acceptable to say this to Mothers' of one child. My worst shot in the heart so far has been from a Mother with a newborn in arms saying "Your daughter will be very lonely!" When I said I wasn't ttc in answer to her question!

I wanted one child and have one child and this hurt very deeply - I have no idea how I would have coped if part of me was yearning for another baby...

I feel for you both and am glad you have found each other in the magic world of mn!

By the way - I read a brilliant article in the Observer a few weeks ago about one child families - have you read it? I think you would both find it extremely interesting! I can find a link later if you want?

[CurlyWurlyGirly]

i've googled for the observer article but no luck, a link would be great. yes, its amazing how insensitive people can be, my mother-in-law is obsessed with staring at my stomach, i feel like saying'no not pregnant, just a few more biscuits!'. Its just so nice to hear from others who have only children because i honestly haven't come across any in my dd's social circle yet - the only one who was just fell pregnant (how inconsiderate ). its just hard to feel confident with my decision when i am literally don't know anyone else who's done the same. Its a great help to hear all your thoughts and advice tho'.

[Mulanmum1]

I don't recognise this world that seems to trouble so many MN parents of onlies. A world where siblings cavort companionably whilst only children look on wistfully.

We take our DD, aged 4.5, to parks, soft play, shopping centres, theme parks, theatres, the beach and I observe families with more than one child. Frequently, the sibs are fighting, one is moaning, one is sulking, they're snapping at each other or fighting. And the parents are getting irate trying to pacify/please more than one child.

Our little girl, gregarious and confident, will run up to a child or a group of children and just join in. Or she'll play by herself on the equipment. Or she'll hang out with mum and dad.

We come home and do things together. She doesn't have siblings to play with or fight with so she'll play with us or on her own for a bit or she'll watch a bit of telly.

Sometimes we'll have cousins or her friends over and she relishes them. Then when they've gone she enjoys it being just the three of us.

Some people are lucky and click with their sibs. Many, many don't.

So if you're the mum of one (not by choice), then you have your own sorrow to deal with by not having a much wanted 2nd or 3rd but try not to transfer that sorrow onto your child for they might be perfectly happy without a sibing IF YOU SHOW THEM THEY CAN BE.

JMHO

[Racingsnake]

CurlyWurly - so sorry you are feeling like this. I have no advice, but can empathise.

I too had a too-early birth, although luckily without complications apart from five weeks in a lovely hospital being spoilt .. I was trying hard for another and then MC last Easter. I then decided not to try again - it must have been madness! I was so lucky with DD, and yet, not content with one miracle, I was risking another child's health or even life because I wanted more children!

DD is now 2.5 and my two closest friends had babies, exactly when my second would have been born. People I felt sure would always have just one are starting to announce pregnancies, and it is hard to be suitably happy and supportive. I am happy for them; I just feel more left out than ever.

So far she is happy and never seems lonely, but does want a lot of input from adults when playing. We will have to work hard at the friendship thing, and I also don't find it easy to make friends. I do, however, find it much easier to do on DD's behalf than mine - ie I can start conversations, offer invitations because I feel she needs it, when I would not do it for myself.

Apparently, though, 25% of children grow up as onlies (although very very few in Dorset!), so we are not in a minority. The trick is, I think, to dwell on the positives - think of the things you can do because you are a family of three. Travelling, spending money on things you really enjoy, having pets (we have lots).

Good luck!

DeanyChip - there is a thread for people who live abroad. I can't remember what it is called. Can you look on there and see if there are other English mums near you or if there are people with advice about living and socialising in Belgium?

[CurlyWurlyGirly]

MulanMum1, yes i think my glasses become rosy too easily when looking upon other families, i admire your strength of character and positive action outlook.
Racingsnake, yes i too would definately be jepardising the health/life of any new baby and compromising my own health if i decided for another baby. I told myself today to appreciate what i have - a healthy 3yr old girl - because when i was trying for a baby, i would have regarded my position now as very fortunate.
i too have read that 25% of children will be only children...why don't i meet their parents in everyday life then!?

[Racingsnake]

Re siblings as a cure for loneliness, my sister (2.5 years younger than me) and I hardly ever seemed to play together when we were children and the happiest times I remember is when she was not there for some reason. I was a lonely solitary child, but not because of not having siblings. Some people can be lonely in a crowd; some like to be alone - you have no way of knowing what your daughter will be like.

[DontCallMeBaby]

I think we make a lot of assumptions about what our children want. I can't remember my childhood, more my teens, so I think of parent/child relationships at that level - don't want to know your parents, embarrassed by them, etc. It continues to surprise me that DD is really happy to be with me and DH! She flirted with the idea of a sibling for a day at nursery aged three (actually told the staff I was having a baby boy) but has never otherwise expressed any wish for one. I think that's at least partly down to me managing to keep this particular set of neuroses in check, and the fact that DH is really not bothered. Hm, which is not to say you're neurotic if your child DOES say they want a sibling

3.5 I think is still a difficult time - DD is now 5, her peers are either the youngest in the family, or have small siblings already. Hardly anyone is now having babies, with the exception of her best friend's mum, after numerous miscarriages. It's a very different landscape to 3.5. And I now realise that even if I did suddenly decided to have #2, AND got pregnant straight off (this would be remarkable, believe me) we'd have a six-year age gap, very different to all the friends and acquaintances with 2-3 year gaps. I think getting to that point has helped calm me down, the was a window of opportunity when we could have had a 'normal' family, two kids with a smallish gap, and it's now gone. It's actually a relief.

Oh, and she went through the 'lonely in my bedroom' thing as well, not sure what happened to put an end to it - I think she may have realised how badly I snore.

[CurlyWurlyGirly]

yes, i think the age dd is , the tiny baby siblings of her friends or their pregnant mums is very 'in my face' to coin a phrase.
I too view my childhood as lonely which i always attributed to being an only child but i had a lot of other troubles too so maybe being an only child was just the easiest thing to blame for this.

[ib]

Get a dog - honestly.

I felt exactly the way you did (ds was a miracle, another is highly unlikely), am in a place where there's no one with similar views on parenting to ours, so finding it hard to socialise, far from family and so on.

Then when ds turned two we got a dog. Suddenly, overnight, he basically stopped acting like an only child. He adores the dog, plays with him for hours on end, and I don't know how to put it, but it's basically not a problem any more.

I chose a breed that is supposed to be long lived so hopefully the dog will be around until ds is a teenager.