Teaching a shy only child to speak up and stand up for herself

[navelgazer]

I am well aware this is not just an issue for only children- I was one of 4 and had great difficulty speaking up/standing up for myself - but I wonder if anyone with an only child has dealt with this issue with their child. I am interested in how you deal with this issue when your child doesn't have the daily rough and tumble that can happen in families with more than one child

DD age 5 is very shy and I think this affects her ability to stand up for herself greatly. I find myself coaching her a lot lately as to what to say to so and so who said XYZ to her or e.g., excluded her from play, but this sometimes feels limited compared to the daily practise on this she would get with siblings. She sees friends out of school regularly 2-3 times a week at least and we mix a lot as a family. I think this has helped her to a certain extent to overcome the worst of her shyness (she was so excruciatingly shy) and she is now quite sociable and fairly popular but she is still really reticent when it comes to asserting herself. Is it just a case of 'time will tell', something she will gradually learn with time or is there anything else that we can be doing with her? I have to admit it probably stirs up some unpleasant memories for me when I look back on my own childhood shyness (which BTW I have largely learnt to deal with well) I'm not really sure what I expect people to suggest here but it would be interesting to hear others' experiences.

[MadBadandDangerousToKnow]

I didn't want to ignore your post but my experience is in some ways the polar opposite of yours.

My daughter is a couple of years older than yours and the very opposite of shy - she is confident to the point of being domineering and seldom displays any sign of self-doubt. Some of this may, I think, be attributable to her being an only child and (as you say) not having to negotiate the day to day interactions with siblings.

How long has your daughter been at school? Mine became much more aware of the effect her over-exuberance had on others once she was at pre-school and, even more, at school. She has learnt, for example, that she won't always be picked to answer when the teacher asks the class a question or, when friends come to play, that she can't always direct the game and decide who does what.

So I can't offer anything constructive about shyness but, more generally, I do think that children come quite soon to understand how their behaviour affects the way other children feel about them and behave towards them. I imagine that that can help a shy child (who might, for example, decide to be more assertive so that friends do not take advantage) in the way that over-confident children like my daughter can learn to take a step back.

[navelgazer]

I take your point MadBad, and my daughter is starting to see that the way certain people treat her is wrong and is taking on board my comments about the way a good friend behaves (the friend she adores at school can be domineering to her and sometimes excludes her). She is starting to assert herself but it is an excruciatingly slow process. I suppose all I can do really is take it at her pace. Sometimes she comes home from school in such a bad mood and it takes a long while before she's ready to tell me the reason why she's upset,

[MadBadandDangerousToKnow]

I should have said earlier that I think you're doing exactly the right thing by talking to your daughter about things that have gone wrong between her and her friends and how she could respond differently. But it is a slow process - it's taken my daughter about four years and we're not wholly there yet!

Does she go to Rainbows or any other activity which is structured and where the uber-confident childen can't just take over? That might also help build her confidence.

[navelgazer]

She just does swimmimg at the moment. I have mentioned Rainbows and she says she doesn't want to go to an activity if she doesn't know anyone there, I suppose I could put her name down on the list, she could change her mind in the future/someone she knows might join.

[MadBadandDangerousToKnow]

Swimming is fine, I would think. A friend of mine whose sons have all been in swimming clubs was saying recently that it's great for confidence, because even if you're not a brilliant swimmer, by going to lessons/clubs you'll probably be better than your friends and that is a real morale booster!

[Acinonyx]

I have a very shy only dd (3.7) who doesn't assert herself. If someone takes her toy etc she just looks forlornly on. Her CM and I are trying to model how to be a bit assertive but it's slow going.

I was also an only child and have never had a shy picosecond in my life - she must get it from her father But it is hard for me to understand - I was probably a bit too much the other way...

The important thing is that your dd is moving in the right direction and not getting more shy. In that case - I wouldn't worry. If school were that overwhemming (which it can be for a shy child) she would be getting more withdrawn but she isn't. This is exactly what I will looking to see with dd.

[Podrick]

Can you try role playing situations at home? If it is a difficult situation then let your dd play someone else's role. This was incredibly helpful to my dd when she started school.

[navelgazer]

Acinonyx I think I understand how she feels too much! Sometimes I have to remind myself she's generally a very happy child.

Podrick yes maybe I could go from advice to role playing, if there is a particularly tricky situation