How do you come to terms with only having one when finance is your main reason for not having two?

[bodiddly]

Sorry for these long ramblings but I am just trying to get a bit of perspective. Ds is 3.10 and due to start school in September and we have always said that we would try for a second. We even agreed a couple of months ago that we would start trying in the new year. Here comes the BUT ... we really cannot afford it. I know people say there is always a way but short of selling our home I am not sure I can see it! Dp works with his dad and they have their own company but work is a little slow at the moment so his income is very variable. I work for a tiny company and am really worried that we may have to shut up shop sooner rather than later and finding another job that enables me to earn the same salary would be hard if not impossible. We have a mortgage, full time nursery costs, loans, credit cards etc ... and no savings! Doesn't paint a great picture. If we were to try (and I still had a job and a home) then maternity leave itself would be soooo hard to deal with and I haven't even worked out how.

Dp is 40 and I am 38 so leaving it much longer really isn't an option. I feel like we need to make a decision and stick to it so we can either go for it or move on. I have never been broody .... ds wasn't exactly planned but really don't like the idea of ds being an only child. My db died and I really miss not having a sibling .. especially now that my parents are unwell.

Sorry this is so long ... I am probably just trying to get my own head round it. I thought we had made the decision but I am so worried about money and my job I am pretty sure we have made the wrong decision! Does anyone have anything they can add that might help me to make this decision?

[Mimia]

Ok, this might seem abit morbid, but I use this whenever I need to make a big decision.

Imagine you are on your deathbed, what would you regret more? Not having another child or struggling financially with the only child you did have?

There is a choice here for you to make, even if it doesn't feel like it. Also I think you should only ever have another child because you want another child, not for the sake of the child you already have, but that is just my opinion.

[twinmam]

It sounds to me as if, in your heart, you have already made your decision although totally agree with Mimia that you shouldn't base your decision simply on wanting your son to have a sibling. We had budgeted for a child and then had twins which has been a huge financial burden but also a wonderful addition to our lives! We did find a way to cope - I agree that there usually is a way - but, that said, it has been a struggle at times. If you gave up work once you had your second baby would the saving you made on childcare be of some help? What does your dp think? So sorry that you lost your brother.

[bodiddly]

A sibling for ds is not the only reason but I admit it is one reason. There is no way I could give up work as dp's salary alone could not pay the mortgage and other bills .. let alone day to day living. I am the main wage earner ... for now!

I think my main reason for waivering is that I have never really been broody. If ds hadn't come along we would probably still be "talking" about it rather than just getting on with it. When the reality is that I now couldn't imagine life without him! I love being a mum. Hence ... but we are back to procrastinating again but with the added financial issue to discourage us!

[Podrick]

Another option is just to ditch the birth control and go with what happens?

Unfortunately at 38 there is approx 50% reduction in your fertility already.

[lovelysongbirdie]

how about saving for a year, don't try this september wait till next?

[bodiddly]

unfortunately saving for a year probably wouldnt make any difference. We are struggling at the moment to pay bills etc ... so saving isnt a possibility. That and dp is a nightmare with money!

[lovelysongbirdie]

well if you really want one then i'd have one, but i guess thats not that responsible.

[bodiddly]

thats the problem lovelysongbird ... head and heart say different things. What doesn't help is that ds is at such a great age and the thought of the whole sleepless nights etc etc doesnt really appeal.

[fondant4000]

Once your ds starts school you will no longer have nursery costs?

You would have less cost while you are on maternity leave (I saved a fortune on travel and lunches).

When you go back to work, could your dh consider some childcare (we're talking probably at lease 18 months from now right?) by reducing his working hours.

That would reduce future childcare costs. It might also work out well if your dp and fil's work is slow.

We have nooo money, but thanks to dh doing all the childcare, our costs are pretty low (and our clothes are pretty holey.... )

[lovelysongbirdie]

wheres theres a will, theres a way.
all they neeed is love tbh

[bodiddly]

I commute into London at 7am every morning so we would still have to have a childminder for ds. At the moment he is dropped off at 7.30am and picked up at 5pm. We have yet to work out how we deal with school holidays and dropping off and picking up. We are waiting to find out which school he gets into in a couple of weeks so we can ascertain about breakfast clubs etc. We are having to spend £800 a month at the moment so there would be a definite saving - fingers crossed! Good point about saving on travel etc on maternity leave and if my job is still there by then I can work a few days during maternity leave to up my wage. The big IF I guess is whether the job is still there.

[bodiddly]

dp isn't the type to "watch" his spending ... he is more difficult to monitor than a child to be honest!

[morningpaper]

You need to sit down and talk it through with your DH

If he is terrible with money and you are in debt then you have bigger problems TBH and adding another child to that won't help

[bodiddly]

when I look at dp's family .. his father is exactly the same ... and his ex tbh. He is better than he was and has tried over the last month or so, though trying to go against 40 years of a disposable attitude to income is not going to change overnight. We have just sold loads of stuff on ebay which helped us pay for christmas without any more debts. We are going to have another ebay-a-thon in a week or two. I have so much stuff/toys that ds has outgrown which I have been holding on to. Maybe I should just sell them and then if we do have number 2 then I guess we would just start again.

[BoccaDellaVerita]

I think you need to make the decision in stages. Firstly, decide how much you really want a second baby. Your posts suggest that you have no strong urge for a baby but feel you should, for your son's sake. Is that right? Look at it another way: how would you feel if you discovered tomorrow that you were pregnant? I agree with everyone who's said you need to make the decision for yourself, not for your son. Secondly (and obviously), if you want another baby, you really need to get on top of your financial problems (although you probably need to do that in any event). Selling things on ebay is great as far as it goes, but what else can you do? It may be unpalatable, but can you take charge of the family finances in a way which does not allow your partner to spend money you can't really afford? Is there any way that between you you could earn more money - paper round, bar work, taking in students?

[bodiddly]

You raised some good points Bocca ... I do want another child, I think half the problem with not being broody is that I am not desperate for a newborn. I know that sounds strange but I enjoy them so much more as they get older! I see friends of mine that have had their second and they are now 10 months old and I wish I had done it back then! The financial side of things is obviously crucial but so long as the business doesnt go under we are ok for now .. we aren't missing payments or anything serious but need to get things sorted. I already largely run our finances though it is difficult when someone works for themselves and monies in vary! We have had more than a few arguments about money but I am hoping we are on the right track ... we just have a way to go. Things will definitely be easier when we can do away with the £800 a month nursery fees. I could probably find a second job but to be honest I don't get enough time with my ds as it is as I work full time and with the commute I wouldn't want to compromise time with him for the sake of further possible children. That doesn't really seem fair! What a pickle!

[BoccaDellaVerita]

Good luck with your decisions.

[Mimia]

There are plenty of older children who need parents. Just a thought

[zazen]

I feel for you!
But a thought occurred to me - if your Dp isn't working up to his full capacity, why doesn't he give up (unreliably paid) work and be a SAHD? At least until both kids are in school.
That way you have the sibling for your DS and you keep your mortgage payments up.

My Dad was 50 when I was born and had his own company - I don't think he minded the late nights.

If your DP doesn't like the idea of being a SAHD, maybe he could get another job, with better pay? And be less "useless" with money! It's so easy to waste it, but just takes a little retraining to be sensible.

Paying out for childcare when your DP's business is slow is a real waste IM(H)O.

Time for a tough decision I think. Best of luck with it.