Celebrating one child families!

[Mulanmum]

I know that a lot of families have one child through cricumstance rather than choice and I'm really pleased that we now have a topic where they can share their sadness and frustration. But to balance it I'd like to start a thread for those of us who have one child by choice and don't feel wistful, cheated or inadequate because we don't have a second, or third, or fourth ...

I belong to a forum for inter-country adopters and one member posted about a second child joining their family "now I feel we are a proper family. When it was just the three of us I felt we were a bit lame".

There was a fab thread in the Parenting section a while ago (anyone do a link?) where people were listing the advantages of having an only child. One member posted that she and her husband "glory" in their DS. I thought that was a lovely choice of word .

It's 3.10 in the morning so I don't really feel like glorying in anything just now but wanted to get this thread started and will add to it when I'm not shattered!

[HauntedHouseMate]

Mulanmum - what on earth are you doing up at this time?!! Or is your 'Lonely Only' clammouring for attention? Meh, that's what I used to get from friends - "You spend too much time with her", "She is always after attention", "Rod for your own back....."etc etc. "She needs a sib so she learns to share"

At first I didn't want an only - but dh scuppered my 'ideal family'. Hey ho, swings and roundabouts because now I can see how much time I can lavish on my dd, and how she is thriving on it.

I too 'glory' in my dd - she is well adjusted, clever and bloody gorgeous!!!

Actually I think, because of her temperament, she is better off as an only - she likes to join in, whether its with reading a book, cooking, cleaning, gardening whatever. I think if we had another we would find it hard to make sure everything is divided equally. DD shares very well with friends etc (probably because I drummed it in to her - didn't want any of that 'spoilt only child' nonsense) but sometimes I look at her friends with sibs and they always seem to be fighting over the one thing. One of her friends is always asking to come to our house 'so she doesn't have to share' (with her db).

Don't get me wrong. Dd is no angel, not by a long shot, but I wish other people would back off with the negative comments about only children.

[Woodelf]

Hi there!
I have an adored one and only and so many people have asked me if I'll be having another... I wouldn't mind but I'm 45 now so feel it would be even harder work. My lo is 2 now and is a good mixer with other kids and very sociable. At least he won't be fighting his sibling like I did.

[Mulanmum]

BUMP !!!!

[MadBadandWieldingAnAxe]

I'm posting because I saw your other thread where you remarked that you'd only had 4 replies here!

I didn't post before because my only isn't an only through choice and I did go through a spell of feeling wistful. But I don't any more! I can see many advantages to being a one child family and I too glory in my lovely child!

[DontKillMeBaby]

I've had some wibbles ... but last night I was trying to get to sleep, and just thought 'you know, I'm never going to be lying here with a bump like I was five years ago, and I don't particularly care, this is okay'. And right now DD is playing with a friend from school, and I'm lounging about doing nothing, instead of, ooh, what? Jiggling a screaming baby? Trying to distract a toddler whose big sister isn't interested right now because she has a friend round? This'll do. Anyone fancy a cup of tea and a double chocolate muffin?

[cmotdibbler]

Dh and I only ever wanted one child, and that is what we have. I love being a three person family and being able to give him loads of attention.

[MadBadandWieldingAnAxe]

Yes please to tea and muffin!

[DontKillMeBaby]

Oh, erm [shifty emoticon] I'm sure there must be a muffin left over around here somewhere, what happened ... oh. I remember. DH came home from work. Chilean Sauvignon Blanc instead?

[MadBadandWieldingAnAxe]

Well, I did leave it rather late to ask. A glass of Sauvignon would be very welcome!

[teafortwo]

What a lovely thread!

Well done Mulanmum.

I have been trying to search for the thread you mentioned and can't find it anywhere. So instead I started my own list of why having one child is nice....

This is what I find great about having just 1:

• Having the freedom to do as we please and not feel tied by routines.

• Being able to go out and about as much as we please, when we please.

• The delicious intimacy of it all.

• 99% of the time feeling quite relaxed and in control (I am sure if I had more children, with my panicky nature I would not feel so cool)

• Being able to sneak dd into posh restaurants!

• Being able to just hop on and off buses and trains and not needing to buy a car to get the family from a to b. (We are a no car family and not driving is very good for the health and environment!)

• Being able to give dd time.

-Sitting in coffee shops reading books.

• Being able to go on holiday quite simply and easily.

• Having time for me.

-Cuddling and discussing the colours in a Picasso painting in an art gallery - because we were in the mood for art!

• No squabling (well apart from between me and dh... occasionally - hee hee)

-Enjoying the three and a half hour train ride to see relatives! It is time to chat, colour, read, play and cuddle with dd!

.... I am sure there are loads and loads more - perhaps everyone could have a think and add some more?????

[MadBadandWieldingAnAxe]

• All of the above (although we do have a car, at least we haven't had to buy a juggernaut)

plus

• Being able to do child-friendly activities which appeal to her and aren't a compromise between her interests and needs and those of a younger or older sibling

[southcoaster]

We're only just going through the decision-making process so here's my list so far, on top of what's been said already

• not having to go through pregnancy again with all the worries if the baby is alright, will be healthy etc

• not having to deal with a newborn and a toddler who would be just over 2 then and still wakes once during the night

• having found a great school, knowing that we only have to cough up the fees once

• traveling abroad to see family easier and cheaper (we go at least every 2 months)

• being able to fully enjoy every new step in DS's development

[racingsnake]

Have just heard that another friend is pregnant again. We tried very hard but had last mc at Easter. Just beginning to come to terms with it when heard latest friend's news.

I had just started thinking some of the things you all mention ie time to spend with dd, how easy it will be to travel, that fact I won't have to move her out of our bed, the fact that I don't actually really want anyone else joining the 3 of us ...

I thought I was the only one who thought like that. There are so many negative comments that I was really feeling that my poor child was going to grow up handicapped in some way!

Reading your comments nearly made me cry! But it's that sort of day - dd has bad cold and was up all night, as was I, of course. Now she is reading Wibbley Pig perfectly happily and I am feeling very fragile. Imagine two of them up all night with hacking coughs!

[teafortwo]

racingsnake...

You are allowed to feel fragile. In your shoes anyone in their right mind would be feeling very delicate too! So be careful to take care of you!

Southcoast...

"- being able to fully enjoy every new step in DS's development " - Awwwww that is so so lovely! (teafortwo reaches for the kleenex)

madbad....

I think living in a city and having one child means we can easily not have a car. If I lived in the countryside - I would buy a car, of course just a little car, straight away!!!

[sunandmoon]

I agree with all the lists of why we also decided to have an only child...
Our 3 yrs old DD is so great that my DH always says that he would be very worried that the 2nd child would be a nightmare (he was one as the 2nd child!!!)..
DD is far away from being spoilt, she has routines, she is caring and plays very well by herself and also enjoyed having friends around.
Holidays, visits, restaurants are stress free and we can happily do all these things!
We love having only 1 child....

[teafortwo]

Mulanmum this is a lovely thread!

[arabicabean]

Mine's only a baby at the moment, so we have yet to do most of the activities, however I am in agreement with the glee of not having to buy a 'juggernaut' type vehicle. Baby and I enjoy a totally unPC sports car. I know, very very bad and not exactly a practical family car, but, oh the luxury of not needing to be practical with the one child.

[teafortwo]

• aribicabean!!!

[teafortwo]

arabicabean

(sorry for previous mis-spelling )

[milliemayhem]

This thread is great, has made my heart glow that little bit more for the love i have for my Only. Have discussed with my DP whether more would come along in the future, but we always seem to tail the conversation off with ''I think we're happy the way we are...'' DS is not my DPs child, but it doesn't bother him at all. Plus don't think i have anymore room in my heart for another one. We can comfortably bring up 1, 2 would be a struggle. Hooray for the Onlys and all their perfectness!

[milliemayhem]

May i just share with you my day with my DS? Today i woke to DS wondering into my room, we had a cuddle in bed, had tea and breakfast at the table then walked to school with ironed uniform and tidy hair - no rushing to get 3kids out. After work and school we went to toy shop, brought Lego with his b/d money and sat and played before tea. Quality time between us. Hes just gone to bed with warm milk, a kiss & a sleepy head. No stress, no jealous arguements, just a lovely day. Why would i want to change that?

[tuesdayafternoon]

My SIL has an only child. He turned 18 this week; he is the loveliest boy, very hard-working, focussed (wants desperately to be a musician) & just nice.

We have several more than one, & one of mine was commenting today on what a lovely person he is; I'm sure the fact that he is an only is a major contributor to that. (Mind you he went to a private school too - easier to afford with only one! - children from there often seem to turn out much more rounded)

I would not have wanted only one, but I can see the advantages

[milliemayhem]

Don't get me wrong, the thought of a brood of 4 bustling around the kitchen making noise and squabbling would do me fine as well, but unfortunately my life didn't take the conventional route and i've recently settled into a brilliant relationship with a new partner, my son is 5, and we're looking forward to a life of fine eating and lovely holidays! It really has come down to 'do we have another child, or enjoy the money we earn between the 3 of us?' And 1 can make as much noise/mess as two! Plus the cat!

[arabicabean]

milliemayhem - Your day sounds completely idyllic.
teafortwo - You do a lot of the things I intend to do with my son when he is a bit older. So much to share with him, I can't wait.

[milliemayhem]

Idyllic before 9am and after 3.10pm, just the hours between are spent like a whirl wind trying to fit in bed making, work, cooking a dinner and amusing the every lazy cat!