For those who had one by choice: did you ever regret or reverse that decision?

[undecidednamechange]

Over the years I have found Mumsnet a huge help in those early, nervous PFB days, and then a mine of useful advice and information on everything from food to holidays to what constitutes frumpy!

Now, once again, I would really appreciate the experience of others. So please excuse the long post - I feel, apart from anything, that I need to set my thoughts down in order, and would then be grateful for any advice from those who have felt similarly.

DH and I have a toddler DC, and now everyone around us seems to be on their second or third child. They keep asking when we will follow. We are very happy as we are, but I keep having niggling doubts about whether I will regret sticking at one in the years to come.

We are generally very lucky and appreciate this.
On the face of it, there are no real reasons not to have a second. My pregnancy, whilst not perfect, was not particularly complicated. The birth was not great, but not really up there with the most traumatic. DC was generally an average feeder/sleeper as a baby - nothing to boast about but nothing much to moan about either - and has grown into a generally cheerful toddler. I found it hard going at first, but managed to avoid PND. We won't know for sure unless we ttc, but there are no apparent reasons why we would not be able to do so again. It would be a bit of a strain financially (and logistically), but ultimately we could afford two if we wanted to do so.

Mentally, though, there are reasons. We are very happy as we are, and loving the toddler phase. We have managed to balance spending a lot of time with DC and as a family, while still working in jobs we enjoy and find fulfilling and finding a bit time for each other and for friends. I feel like there is a brilliant but delicate balance here - a pyramid which can easily be toppled, and I am not willing to give up on any of the elements. I did not enjoy being pregnant or giving birth; I found the early baby days really hard and am not sure how well I would cope mentally doing it all again with the added pressures of another child to look after.

The main reason for having another one, in my current mind, ultimately boil down to giving DC a play mate and someone to share life with later. Not a given by any means, as I know enough people who don't get on with their siblings and have even lost touch altogether. Oh, and to conform to society's expectations. Sigh. But I do wonder how I will feel in 5 years' time.

The background, so as not to drip feed. I was an only child, and was quite lonely. However, I think this was down to a lot more than just being an only child. My mother was an only parent, and not very sociable. I did not spend much time with other kids until I went to school. We never went on holiday with others, didn't often have people round, etc. None of those things apply to our family, and DC has been very happily going to nursery for several years. DH has a sibling, and they are very close now. However, he did feel somewhat deprived of parental attention, which he thinks may not have been the case as an only.

So, ultimately, as my title asks, are there are any mumsnetters out there who had the choice to have more but chose to stick with one? Are you still happy with that decision or did you live to regret it - or indeed decide to reverse it later?

[Pico2]

We decided to review how we felt about it once a year, so it wasn't a constant question hanging over us.

[Misfitless]

I know someone who reversed their decision to stick at one, acted on it, had a second child and has hinted to me that if they had their time again, they wouldn't do it.

Having said they are great parents, and DC2 is loved just as much as DC1. I think they partly had DC2 because DC1 was desperate for a sibling. They don't really get on at all, but perhaps they will when they're adults. There's a big age gap between them, though I doubt that is relevant, really.

[tiggerkid]

I always thought I wanted only one and now my son is 12 and I realised how lonely he can be and how much I'd like him to have had a brother or a sister. Having realised this, DH and I have been trying to have another child but it seems too late as we are now plagued by fertility issues. I am absolutely devastated for not having another child earlier when we still could, and I hope that we still can but obviously don't know for sure. It is a personal choice and you shouldn't feel pressured to have more children that you wish to but if I had my choice again, I'd have another one soon after I had my son. I'd like him to have someone to turn to when we are no longer around as I can see how lonely the world can be when you are the only child. However, that's just my personal perspective.

[YourHandInMyHand]

My only child is 9 now. I had so many logical reasons for not having another (health in pregnancy, PND, emotionally abusive partner who I left when DS was 4, money constraints, etc) but if I had my time again I think I'd have given him a sibling.

On the one hand - DS has autism and I have been able to give him so much time and attention with him being an only and he has come on so much, but on the other I feel sad he doesn't have a sibling and it can be so quiet here just me and him.

I did once have the optimistic hope that I might meet someone nice but the few men I have dated haven't been what I would call parent material.

I have two sisters. One I speak to every day, the other we could easily go a year without speaking.

[CateBlanket]

DD is 10, an only by choice and no regrets
Both DH and I have an amazing relationship with her. She is far more confident and sociable than I ever was (I have 3 siblings) and seems to have found the right balance of enjoying her own company and enjoying being with friends.

I think I'm a good mum to one but would be agitated if I had more children! So I'm happy for DD's friends to hang out at our house, come on occasional trips with us/sleepovers but I'm awfully glad to see the back of them

She's never expressed the desire for a sibling and is a very caring, empathetic little girl - none of this spoilt only child nonsense.

[Mintchocmummy]

This decision has tormented me daily since DD was born and she's now nearly 4. I'm a terrible over-thinker! In the group of 6 friends/colleagues all pregnant together everyone else has since had their 2nd and I feel quite left behind, even inadequate. Had a difficult start with DD, colic, reflux, and me with bad PND, despite a great pregnancy. I don't think I could manage all that again, and I know my luck, the 2nd would be as tough as the first.

DH and I are both from small families and DD only has one cousin, whom we're not even in touch with, so I do fear for her not having that framework to rely on when older. I just have to hope she builds her own support network. There's currently no reason why she shouldn't.

She's a bright, pretty and healthy girl. We feel like we struck gold first time and now want to give her every opportunity and financial help we can, which would be tougher with a sibling. As for my mental state, I know I can be a better mum to one than I can for two. With Cate on that. Logistically it would be horrendous for us to have 2 - grandparents in ill health and only one driver, 40mins away, and I enjoy work to much to pack in.

I expect I will have regrets in a few years (I'm already overloaded with them!) but I'll also remember that we had good reasons to quit while we were ahead. It's a shame that the outdated idea of the 2 child family is still so widely expected. Only we know what's right for us.

Thanks for posting Undecided. Hope you're not troubled too long xx

[Notsoyummymummy1]

God I could have written your post word for word - it's exactly the position we are in now. The trouble is other people have their opinions and experiences but nobody can tell you how having a second child would affect you or your family. We can't predict the future whether our children will be happy or not but if you're happy with where you are now then you're luckier than most so think long and hard before you give it up out of a misguided sense of guilt or social pressure. If life feels right the way it is then that's all you need to know.

[Blueberrymuffint0p]

Ds is now 5 and I was very worried about our decision. No regrets so far though. He doing great. I think you have to be prepared to make a big effort with play dates, particularly when they start school and you also have to muck in and be their play mate. This is the thing I find hardest. Some days I'm just not in the mood to run around but you have to get stuck in. Other than that there's no reason why your child won't thrive on their own. I hope I won't regret it as the years pass but so far so good. I've also brain washed him into thinking that siblings are a pain in the arse (we in my experience they are!)

[GreenShadow]

I hope you don't mind me replying despite already having more than one, but as someone with a lot older children perhaps I can add another perspective.
My older 2 are now at university. The time since they were toddlers has gone so quickly but I can cope with them leaving home better because I also have a younger DS still here. Yes,of course he will be off himself one day, but having more than one means it is spread out over a number of years and you can get used to the idea more. To some extent you could say that the same applies to other stages in lofe. Starting school, moving up to secondary school and so on - I enjoyed those years and having more than one meant that they carried on for longer than if I had just had the one.

[CateBlanket]

Green - that really is a daft reason for having more than one

[Blueberrymuffint0p]

Greens right in the sense that with one you really have to savour every moment because you don't get to enjoy it all a second time around. Please don't take this as a personal attack but I'd say that's a purely selfish reason to have a second child. It's certainly only a small aspect of deciding to have a second but it's a selfish aspect. The point I made about having to play with an only child all the time and how that's something I find hard sometimes is also a selfish consideration.

[GreenShadow]

Of course it is a selfish reason to have children, but then isn't the whole procreation thing selfish?

My comments were just personal musings which I am quite happy for people to disagree with or to be told I am daft.

[CateBlanket]

I have cherished every stage of DD's life so far in the knowledge that she is my one and only. I don't want another child as a back-up, she is the only one I want to raise. When she leaves home I intend getting another dog

[Blueberrymuffint0p]

Well I was just trying to be polite but ok-you are being daft!

[Misfitless]

It's funny how that brain washing thing happens!

We have a few different sets of families as friends who are parents to only children.

They have done the brain washing thing about siblings being a pain in the arse, too, and how much better everything is with just one, including their DC being able to have more stuff!

So much so, that when one child came to play after my DS had had a birthday, and they were playing with his toys, said child piped up with "I'm so glad that I don't have any brothers or sisters, I get loads more presents than you. If I had a brother or sister, my mum and dad wouldn't be able to spend as much money on me!"

And the same when we saw the child after Christmas! Delightful! And I'm sure it makes that family feel better about everything, but I don't think it should be at the expense of my son being put down about his own family situation!

Those words must have come from his parents..what a sad thing for a child to grow up with, looking down on friends with siblings and feeling superior because of material things.

I'm not suggesting that people on here have done that! I certainly didn't every with my eldest DC, and I know that not everyone with one DC does it.

[dreamingbohemian]

We are very happy with just one -- as you say OP, it allows for a really nice balance in life. For us, having another would have meant huge changes in our lives, and we're quite happy with the way things are.

Most of our friends with kids have now had two and they are all really struggling and life is not so good -- I know this is not true for everyone, but I think it would have been true for us. So no regrets so far, DS is only 4 but I don't think I'll feel differently later. I was an only child and perfectly happy with that.

[Blueberrymuffint0p]

Misfit-that's awful! No, I would never suggest to ds that he gets more toys because he doesn't have any siblings. He knows fully well that he can't have everything he wants. That's how people end up with sloilt brats. What I meant by my version of' brainwashing' is just that ds knows there's a down side to having siblings. It's not all playmates and fun.

[FallenAngel22]

Our DD is an only child by choice. I had a difficult pregnancy and she was a very difficult baby who cried almost constantly for the first 6 months. She's a joy now at 9 but I couldn't cope mentally with doing it all again. She has two cousins and loves school so certainly isn't disadvantaged. Infact, in her year at school she is one of about 5 children who are only children.

[Misfitless]

I know, Blueberry. Sorry about that.

I posted, then read through, and thought "Oh no! That sounds all wrong!"

But it did happen, and it is sad, I think.

[GalaxyInMyPants]

Dd is 13yo and I've never regretted only having one. I work hard out the home and wouldn't have time for two. Well, only at the expense of my mental health. I'm lazy and selfish and like having time to be able to do stuff for me. Easier with one I reckon.

Plus we have more money, etc.

[Sassyb0703]

The decision to have more than one child simply boils down to this..you are making a decision that suits you but 9/10 does not suit your child nor, given the choice would they choose it. Both my parents were only children as were 2 great aunts. None of them would of chosen to be onlies. It was a situation foisted upon them by a mixture of pure selfishness (my maternal grandmother enjoyed her lifestyle more than the idea of giving my mother a siblings) ..an inability to conceive another (in dh case) and the believe that it was 'uneconomical' ..in my Aunts cases. With the exception of not being able ttc/health, it is ultimately a selfish decision that any parent has the right to make but it is a rare child who will thank you for it. It is ime also one of those resentments that also seems to grow with age. My mother is now 75 and still mentions it and harbours a great deal of resentment that she has 'no family' since parents died because her mother 'couldn't spare 9months of her very comfortable lifestyle to provide her with a sibling'

[Tastemysad]

Actually Sassy 9/10 it's up to the individual family and their relationships. Not made up statistics and "this is my experience so therefore it's right". Big families, small families; all that matters is that people feel loved. By friends, by family members and by yourself.

[CateBlanket]

My mother is now 75 and still mentions it and harbours a great deal of resentment that she has 'no family' since parents died

Well that suggests a major flaw in your mother's personality if she's still chuntering on about being an only child after all these decades.

And if she feels she has "no family" despite having children and, presumably, grandchildren - what are you doing wrong?

[CookieB]

I had ds when I was only 19 and loved our little life then unexpectantly fell pregnant when he was 4. I felt so guilty at him having to share my attention but it wasn't like that at all! 4 yrs between ds and dd is nothing really and the 2 of them get on (mostly) great . I'm an only child myself and can honestly say having more dc was the best thing I ever did.

[Sassyb0703]

As I said, having only one child (out of choice) is the RIGHT of any parent/s . My point was about how the chIldren of such a choice feel. I have yet to meet anyone who wishes they didn't have a sibling..there is nothing wrong with one child but most, given the choice would prefer a sibling. As for my own mother, yes she has a number of children and grandchildren, we are very close, we talk every day and she sees us all most weeks, I haven't yet identified any glaring personality disorders... she has just always felt she wanted a sibling. Someone of her own age with whom to share life's journeys. She feels particularly narked about it because my grandmother chose not to have another because she 'enjoyed her lifestyle' and had as she was heard to say on many occasions , not wanted to be bothered doing it again...