Struggling with not being able to have a second child

[Spammy84]

I have really been struggling lately with the fact that I will not have another child. It's a long complicated story, so I apologise in advance.
When my husband and I started dating, he already had a 2.5 yr old son with an ex girlfriend and I was actually pregnant from an unfortunate situation. I had recently returned home to South Africa. ( We had known eachother years before) he amazingly raised my daughter as his own. I chose to tell her the truth when she was very little, as I believe young children are better able to accept the truth easily, which is exactly what she did. My relationship with my step son is strained at best due to very trying difficulties with his mother. (Despite the fact that we have a very strained relationship I love him very much- but he is very distant which makes it hard for me to really bond with him) My husband and I were engaged for about 6 years before we actually got married and we have been married for 2 years now. When my daughter was about 1.5 I was yearning to have another child, but my husband (then fiance) was not ready. And so the years have rapidly passed by. My Stepson is 11 and my daughter is 8. It seemed like a rolercoaster ride in terms of both my husband and I wanting and not wanting another. I think as the years went by and the kids started getting bigger we both just started feeling like we werent sure if we wanted to go all the way back to sleepless nights and nappies etc etc. Anyway, about a year after we got married we decided that we were going to try. That was when my OBGYN told me that he thought I was not ovulating every month. We then ran some tests to check and it turned out that I wasn't. I felt crushed. He was then very quick to say that if I was interested in having anymore children I would need to look into fertility treatment. He told me that I had PCOS. It really was very devestating as not only was I faced with the prospect of having to struggle to conceive, but my hair started falling out and I started noticing my hairline receding..along with other horrible "side effects". When I told my husband about everything he basically told me that he was not willing to go through any form of fertility...even if it was just a case of me taking medication to help me to ovulate...He felt that it was wrong for us to "mess" with the natural order of things and I think he was also very worried about the prospect of twins as he has twins on both sides of his family and his brother had two sets of twins.I respected his feelings and then we decided that we would let things happen in their own time and if I fell pregnant then so be it...some time passed and I started having doubts about how I really felt about having a baby again...I spoke to my husband about how I was feeling and we decided to officially stop trying. It got very hard for me emotionally as it felt like I was in a state of limbo. Every pregnancy test that came back negative made me feel less and less positive. My husband also felt concerned about his age as he is 36 and didnt want to be older with a young baby(it was also hard for both of us as we both had kids when we were in our early 20s and so skipped that whole free period to settle down and be calm, responsible parents). I feel so heartbroken. I am now on the pill for the first time which is meant to help with the side effects of the PCOS. The worst part is that my breasts have been tender and swollen for over a week now. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Ive googled it and apparently the pill can do that...but my point is that it just brought everything back, you know. My sister just had a baby and one of my closest friends is now pregnant with her third and my best friend has 5!!! I come from a family of 5 siblings and to be honest I never thought I would only have one child. I also have this yearning to have a child WITH my husband. To see his features in OUR baby. My stepson only comes every second weekend for one night and so for the most part, my daughter is alone. She actually told me that she is lonely and really wants a little brother or sister. I apologise for the length of this message, but I just feel like there is soo much behind all of this. I'm so tired of dreaming of babies(literally)...I am very grateful for our kids, for both of them. How do I get over this??? I read some other posts on this site which have made me feel even worse!!! The reason being I always thought that with time, these feelings would go away, but it seems it just gets worse....I'm so tired of the constant emotional ups' and downs' as far as this is concerned. I just want to be content but I have no idea how to get there?

[liz98]

Hi Sammy I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time. I don't know how much I can help you feel better, I just wanted to reply because I've been there with some of the emotions you describe. I have always had infertility problems, we started trying very late on and I managed to get pregnant via IVF at the age of 41. I hadn't even considered the only child issue but then of course it all kicked in...I have had 2 miscarriages since having my DS and it has been very tough and very up and down as you describe. At the moment I am getting towards being settled about our situation. I just feel that I have to count my blessings and appreciate what I have got, instead of losing out on that by getting worked up about the second child issue...sometimes it is easier to do that, other times it's really hard. I have met up and tried to form friendships with other mothers of onlies, but there is only one person that I would honestly say that I have properly clicked with, she is a massive support. I am lucky in that my DS doesn't tell me that he is lonely, though I wouldn't discount that happening in the future as he's still very young. I just do the usual, loads of playdates, always making us available for outings etc, loads of networks with other friends, even trying to do one holiday this year with another family so that the kids can play together. It is really exhausting to keep up the treadmill of socialising, but I am hoping that in future years hopefully he will be able to make the socialising for himself, if I try to equip him with the right social skills etc. Who knows in the end what will happen? In my bad days I remind myself of the two really good friends who I have who are adult onlies, who are wonderful people with happy families of their own and massive social circles. I know I haven't even touched on some of your other issues you spoke about with your husband and stepson, and the medical issues that you mention (which must contribute massively to your emotional state as well) but I hope that this helps. x

[Spammy84]

Hi Liz98.

Thanks so much for the response. I appreciate it.
I guess it is comforting to a certain degree knowing that one is not alone in these things...that somewhere out there there in the world is a woman who knows how you feel...That I'm not alone this....because sometimes I just feel so alone in this issue. All of my friends have many kids, two or more....so they dont understand.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks. :-)

[Jinglebellsarecoming]

Hi there. My DD is an only and not by my choice. I don't think I will ever be ok with it but I have accepted it. She is 10 now and it's only in the last year or so that I have truly accepted it. I have felt so many of the things you have and just wanted to add one more voice so you know you are not alone in your feelings

[alikat724]

Spammy I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I also am now only going to have one child, my 2.5 yo DD will not have the sibling I so desperately want for her as my marriage has broken down. It is never what I wanted, but am consoling myself with the fact that she will now be privately educated and get 100% of my attention, and I will focus on making sure she develops strong relationships with other only children to take her into the future. Try to focus on the positives, I know it is hard... Hugs for you.

[0pheliaBalls]

to all of you.

I have a beautiful 17 year old DD who I love beyond words. She was 6 when I met DH who is 12 years my junior. We got engaged after 5 days and talked excitedly about all the babies we would have... The reality was that we could never afford another. I'm now 41 and resigned to the fact I will never have another child. It's like a form of grief, it hurts so much. DH is far more relaxed about it than I am - he has been a wonderful father to DD and is happy I think to have brought up one child but it breaks my heart that I will never tell him I'm pregnant and see his face, or that he'll never hold his baby in his arms.

Fuck it, crying again writing this. It's bloody horrible

[tiggerkid]

It is horrible. Completely sympathise as I am having similar issues. Not PCOS but other fertility problems aren't allowing us to have another child and everyone around us keeps having babies and asking us when we will have another. I've also just had yet another negative pregnancy test after 2 weeks of sore breasts and other similar symptoms, which I assume were driven by clomid that I've started taking for the first time. I feel completely heartbroken when I see myself being surrounded by people with babies and pray that there is still some hope for all of us x

[Tassel]

I am struggling massively with having only one. I have had 3 years of fertility issues and 4 miscarriages. Without sounding dramatic the only thing in life I want is another child and it is not going to happen. My best friend who has 3 is pregnant with her fourth. I live under a cloud of gloom constantly. Just cannot bring myself around to accepting it. I understand all the benefits of an only child but I grew up from a very young age with a mother who had a chronic illness that was terminal. My father in the last number of years also suffered a very serious illness. I have no cousins living in this country. If it were not for having a brother and sister to share and support I don't know how I would be now.

My child is loved beyond belief and suffers no adverse consequences of being an only. I just don't know if I can ver find the inner peace of accepting it myself.

[Misfitless]

Oh Tassel I felt the same inner sadness for many years, but without all the trauma of infertility treatment and miscarriages. What I felt was hard enough, but was not a patch on what you have had to experience.

I'm so sorry for your lost babies.

Might counselling help, even a little? I'm not sure, but I've heard others on here who have had counselling and have said that it helps.

[Tassel]

Yes. I agree counselling is probably needed to firstly deal with the losses and then to deal with the acceptance of my situation. I just fear having to accept and having to let go of the hope and that's what I keep clinging on to.

[ocelot41]

I feel very reassured by some of the comments on this thread. We have a very lively and sociable DS (4) and I feel like we overuse TV because it is a long day to keep him entertained from 6-8! He isn't interested in playing without a playmate really and we both get really brain dead after a while. But I feel guilty about using TV to give us both a break. DH thinks I am crazy and worrying over nothing as he gets lots of play time with us, play dates with friends, sports and other outings. But it does feel like A LOT of telly to me!