baby number 2 or career... i want them both but dont feel i can have them both

[juicychops]

i have ds age 9 from a previous relationship, and my bf has 3 teenagers age 15-20. i brought ds up on my own juggling part time job. im now nearly 30 and currently studying. by the time my ds starts secondary school in 2 years i will be finished my first part of studying and will be able to work full time with a half decent wage.

ive now started thinking i want another baby. my bf really doesnt, but i really do. the only thing is it would throw out all my plans for my career which i have been waiting to be in a position to have for years and its finally within reach. I can't commit to the career i want if i have another baby and it would involve struggling all over again for another 7-8 years.

I just can't make a decision about what i want more. my ds really wants a bro or sis even though they will be a lot younger. I just don't know what to do. has anyone been through similar?

my bf is against the idea but im trying to work out what i want at the moment.

[Fairylea]

Your bf is more of a problem than the career.

Having an unsupportive partner is harder than being a single parent (in my own experience) and working full time is hard enough without the extra adult pulling you down yet alone with another dc.

I had 11 years between my two dc and gave up my senior marketing career to have ds but that was mainly because I hated working anyway and I now enjoy being a sahm. But I think it's possible to have both career and child if you really want it.

[juicychops]

hi fairylea thanks for your reply.

do you think though that having a career would in a way be at the expense of my relationship wiith my baby?

and how did you find the 11 year age gap? how did your older child handle the adjustment with a new baby?

[gamescompendium]

As long as you and your BF want to have a child together then you should be able to work together so you can both work (and care for the child). DH and I have 3 children, we both work 4 days a week.

So agree with the PP, your BF is more of a problem than your not yet started career. You're only in your 20s so you still have time to establish yourself in a job and then take maternity leave, that would put you in a much stronger position for maintaining a career.

[weatherall]

At 30 with one child already you still have a little time.

Spends the next 2/3 years getting your new career going then you should be able to take mat leave and return and carry on.

[Fairylea]

Well I worked full time when dd was little. I left her dad when she was 6 months old and put her in nursery and went back. I had to really, to manage, plus I was very ambitious back then and was living in London and in the thick of it all. At the time I didn't feel my relationship with dd suffered. She genuinely seemed really content and settled at nursery and when I had days off I made the most of that time to do things with her.

With hindsight I think I found the whole thing really stressful and I was living on my nerves a lot of the time but at the time I felt I was living a great life. Dd is 11 now as I said and we are very close and she is in top sets in everything and very sociable so I don't think me chasing my career has done her any harm at all.

However with ds now 2 I feel quite differently. Maybe I'm just getting soppier as im getting older or maybe he is just more clingy than dd but I couldn't imagine leaving him with anyone. He feels somehow more vulnerable. But that could be because I have spent more time with him as I chose to stay at home and therefore I have a closer understanding of him than I did with dd at the time.

Ultimately I think as long as the mum is happy and makes good childcare choices the child will he happy.

Dd adores her brother. Absolutely adores him. She never thought she would have a sibling and there he is :)

[juicychops]

thanks for the replies. me and pd had a chat and i dont think he is going to change his mind at the moment, he is really against it.

i think il see how he is in a year or so once i have my career on its way and hopefully he may see things differently

[Justtoobad]

I was late to the career game, so maybe wait, get job sorted and then have a baby, I'm 38 and it worked for me.