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feeling desperate to know what to do

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augustsmum · 01/05/2014 18:39

I moved away from Ipswich to Mold when my son was 8 (2006), his dad and I had split up because he was violent towards me. His dad re-married about 4 years ago and my son visits him about 3 times a year. My son is now 15 and is going to be taking his GCSE exams within a couple of weeks. I told my son that when he finishes his exams he doesn't have to go back into school apart from an induction day for 6th form - mid July. He says he wants to go visit with his dad for the duration, because a) he misses his dad's dog and b) he misses his sister (she is 21, a step-sister to my son, from a previous relationship which my ex-husband had, she recently got married and lives in Ipswich). His dad and his dad's wife both have full time jobs with the same company and I am unemployed. They have Sky, internet and a car - whereas I have no job, no car and limited internet. I have given all I can for my son, (no significant partner - because my son doesn't want me to have anyone involved as he dislikes all men I have an interest in), he has had meals on time, help with homework, went to parents evenings with him, taken him out on day trips, etc etc. I consider myself to be a good mum BUT it seems he has a better time when he his with his dad - on holiday. Oh and his dad works on the railways so my son has a rail pass whereas mine was revoked when his dad and his girlfriend got together. My son says he wants to move to Ipswich when he is 18. I am okay with him moving away when he is 18, maybe he can go to University - but, and this really hurts, he is biding his time until he can leave. I don't know how to cope with the fact that he prefers being with his dad and not me.

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daughteritsmeagain · 02/05/2014 06:07

i was a single mum to my daughter from her being four.

because your whole life is invested in raising the child, everything they think, say, do really matters to you. step back.

this boy, 16, doesn't want you to have a relationship with a man. well, he's old enough to get over it. start looking for someone.

he wants to go to his dad's. let him. let him know that you will be working on building up your own independent life while he's away. you must do this, or your life will be empty and you will sit by the phone waiting for his call until you eventually die of old age and loneliness.

the fact that its his dad, and dad can offer more material benefits, is a red herring. if it wasn't dad, it would be something else. you aren't inadequate, he's just growing up.

my daughter was rarely at home from being sixteen. she went on courses, she went to visit friends. she established a life of her own. i wasn't so good at that.

your boy is the right age for branching out alone. you've done a great job, you've brought him up well. now teach him how to pack a bag (he's a boy, it won't come naturally) and practise your goodbye wave.


and start planning your own life. work? training? clubs/activities? reading, long soaks in the bath? whatever you like that doesn't tie you down or make you miserable. get out there and smile at people.

you aren't redundant as a mum, you've just moved into a new phase. enjoy.

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