Unsure if we should have a second baby

[Portlypenguin]

Hello,
DH and I have a wonderful but challenging 2.5 year old DS. We both work full time as doctors in busy jobs with on call commitments. The latter makes childcare arrangements a nightmare much of the time as we have no family locally (have moved where the junior doctor jobs system sent us!).

DS is a very lively little boy who didn't take a bottle (BF to 18mo) ever, first slept through at 16mo and has cow's milk protein and soya allergies. The latter is the bane of my life and I was desperate for it to not be true initially (he was loosing weight despite eating +++) and now desperate for him to grow out of it. All this means we are still exhausted. I had post natal depression but am much improved now, still on medication though.

Anyway, all DS's friends of the same age now either have siblings or their mummies are pregnant. I feel somehow that I have done something wrong! Part of me really wants another baby for a few reasons (general feeling of not being complete, worries about DS being lonely/spoilt) but DH is less sure (mainly work and logistics related) and would like to send DS to independent schools. This means if we had another we would be pushed financially for 2 to be independently educated. DH is not willing to budge on this - I have made all other big decisions since we got together and am respecting this is his choice, although I'm a bit uncomfy with it at times.

DH is an only child who never missed not having siblings. I have one sister 5yrs younger who I have never got on with - this is just due to being different in personality!

Any advice??

[mumnosbest]

Someone said to me you only regret the children you don't have and it's so true.

[Misfitless]

Firstly, I don't have a stressful job, and there was never an option of my DCs being privately educated, so in some respects, I'm not really qualified to post.

But..my DC1 would never accept a bottle, and didn't sleep through the night until about the age of 18 months, either. I was determined that this would not happen again, and although it was tough sometimes, I stuck to my guns because if I knew if I caved in, history would repeat itself.

I am certain, that if you did have another baby, you could get that baby sleeping through the night well before you returned to work. Getting enough sleep is half the battle...everything seems so much worse if you are sleep deprived.

I can't imagine how hard it must be working full time, with shift work and on-calls thrown in. No doubt your DC's allergies and PND mean that you have had a very tough time of it.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Sharaluck]

I think you need to wait. Your dh is not keen. Let him know that the topic is not off the table but you will put it aside for a year and will discuss it then.

Don't feel pressured by what others are doing and have done. You are your own family and you need to do what's right for you. That may mean delaying a second child for several more years (this will help spread school fees and maybe your careers will be more child friendly then) or it may mean you come to accept and love the family unit that you already are.

[SwimmingMom]

It all gets better when DC are 4-5 years old. Maybe you could wait until then before you think of the second. It may not seem as daunting or financially challenging by then.

[Smartiepants79]

I think if you still have feelings that your family is incomplete you need to say so. You don't need to have a baby right now. It might be in a year or so your husband might feel differenty or so might you.
It is not just 'his' decision. It is too big a decision.
Don't have another baby because others have or other people expect you or for your other DC either. It must be because you can't imagine your life without that other baby.

[RubyrooUK]

Ok....

DH and I both work full time in busy jobs, no family nearby and so on. We have two children (3 and 10mo).

For me, I knew our family was not complete with just one child. But DS1 nearly killed me - also never took a bottle, still doesn't sleep through night and so on.

We had DS2 and he also doesn't sleep and bf all night. But we adore him. Ridiculously so.

It has been very hard on our relationship to have two. If I was younger, I'd have waited another year to have DS2 and enjoyed things getting easier with DS1. Luckily DH feels the same as me and we are prepared to ride out the hard bit together to have our family.

So for me, having two has been brilliant and amazing. Also hard and exhausting. But I think you and your husband both need to be in the same frame of mind to go for it or decide to stick at one. DH was willing to take the hard times again to have two kids but it sounds like your DH isn't in that frame of mind right now.

[Portlypenguin]

Thanks for all your advice. I really don't want to regret not having another. I'm 30 so we do have plenty of time. It might well be best to wait for a year or two and see how things are then!

[SwimmingMom]

OP - couldn't write much earlier but here is our story..
Same situation -
2 FT jobs, high maintenance DD, no support system + new to UK since DD's birth. Could not imagine having a second for 5 years. But gradually the idea has become palatable to go back to nappies & sleepless nights. Now TTC but it's talking time.

Couldn't have done it any sooner even if I did it all over again!

[daisydee43]

Hi am in same boat atm - dd is nearly 2 and is very demanding but I so long for another and I feel she would love a play mate - work PT but would like more of a career in next few years as recently got qualified. For us money is an issue as currently use a childminder and my wages basically cover that but we do have family support. I think I would need to wait until dd is in the year she's going to school so maybe go for a 4 year gap and maybe by then we will have a third bedroom (although I do love our home) - although I feel for my cousin with the twins as she never had this choice so what will be will be - dh not keen on having another but then says a 5 year gap is too long!?

[naty1]

I understand, we had a baby that wouldnt lie down without crying until i cut out soya and she slept through from 11m.
Now 20m we are giving icsi a go for #2 as chances are higher now.
I figure hopefully it wont be as bad next time (the baby's first few months), hopefully as i have more knowledge it can only be better.
I went to a private school and would certainly recommend if you can afford it. Smaller classes more discipline testing to get in. But genetics and environment will surely make a huge difference so im sure a child of 2 gps will do well.
A lot of people seem to wait until they can make use of the free nursery place just after maternity leave.
For us as well with a summer baby we already have a 2 school year age gap so i dont really want to go further than that

[LittleOne76]

After thinking about it for a whole, we're going to see if we can have DC2. It took us a little while to get to this point and the gap between the two kids will be 3ish years plus.... Which will be a bit larger than what I originally thought we might have. One thing you have to put out if your mind is that feeling that you are somehow "behind" other friends etc who had two kids very close together. Everyone else in my nct group had number two almost straight away (born when DC1 was between 18-24mtnhs) and to be honest, I felt like I wasn't doing something right but not doing the same. Like there was this pressure there to do the same. It's hard to explain but know that mums must feel this all the time. Anyway, we've made the decision now is the time to start Ttc as it's right for us and our underlying circumstances. I think it really needs to be a mutual decision for both of you.

[LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName]

I never really wanted another after having dd. Didn't get how it worked with more than one, she was more than enough! People I was pg with had others very quickly, others waited a bit linger but I still didn't need it iyswim.

I ended up pg by accident (was depressed so didn't enjoy it or if I'm truful want it), ds is now something I can't say is a bad thing to have happened to us. I love him. My meaty melts when he says he loves me and gives me a massive kiss. Yes life would be easier (we both work ft) we'd have more money, but if push came to shove I wouldn't change him for anything.