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One-child families

Resentment

3 replies

Bobkins · 11/12/2012 21:40

I had a beautiful baby girl 4 months ago and she is my first baby. My partner has two children from a previous relationship and our daughter was a big compromise on his part as he didn't want anymore children when we met. I thought I would be happy with one but now I'm pretty sure I'll want another in a few years. I mentioned it to him to tonight, only to be told no way. I totally understand but can't help wondering if I'll always resent him for the his decision. Any advice x

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Blu · 11/12/2012 21:54

You could choose not to resent him, since he made his feelings clear from the outset, and indeed compromised his feelings to support your wish for a child - presumably because he loves you enough to agree to make you happy rather than stick by his first feelings. Do you love him enough to be happy and celebrate your little girl but not put pressure on him? Or do you love the idea of another child more? In which case, maybe you should leave now and seek a father for your next child.

That all sounds a bit horrible, doesn't it? But it is a way of looking at it.

For now, enjoy your baby, enjoy being a parent, and allow him to enjoy being a new parent again too.

He made it clear from the start. People do change their minds, and who knows, maybe as your baby grows he will be happy to have another. But if he doesn't it is not fair to resent him for it, and it will be YOU causing friction, not him.

This is all easy for me to say, I admit. Although i had some wistfulness that I would like another when DS was about 1 or 18m, we let the moment go, and while sometimes I think 'what if', I find it a very happy experience having one child. Not everyone feels like this.

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N0tinmylife · 12/12/2012 13:51

I know how you feel OP. I was in the exact same position 5 years ago as you are now. My DH did eventually agree, very reluctantly, to try for a second child, but after 18 months of trying we gave up. He has now had the snip, so it definitely won't happen. Part of me will always wish I could have had another child, but I am not willing to break up a very happy family in order to have that, and there are an awful lot of positives to having only one!

I think my only advice would be, give yourself some time before making any decisions, your baby is still very young, and you don't know yet how you or your DP will feel in a year or two's time. In the mean time, try and focus on enjoying what you have now!

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Bobkins · 12/12/2012 22:16

I would like to say a big thank you for your messages. You have both made me think about things very differently today. I know my family and friends will be full of pity and I now have a very different prospective on the situation.
I love him very much and I would hate for anything to ruin the life we have together. I'm still exploring how I'm feeling but have felt some sort of relief today about things. My daughter is at a lovely age and I'm putting 100% effort into enjoying time with her. My step children are also a fantastic part of my life.
So thank you again
I'll probably be needing more advice at some point about bringing up an only child.
Xx