what's wrong with "only having 1" ?

(122 Posts)
pixiewitch Tue 28-Feb-12 13:52:00

does/has anyone else have these kind of responses when you tell people you are sticking with having 1 child?

" oh don't worry , you'll change your mind " (with a half smile on thier face)
OR
" not to worry, it'll happen ",
OR
" uh "
OR
" what for / why would you do that to dc ?"
OR
a totally blank face

I'm confused as I'm not worried at all. My partner & I have very clear reasons for this which we are very happy about.

I just don't quite understand why people think they have to take it upon themselves to try and change our minds about it & that somehow were doing something wrong by just having 1 ?

Any thoughts / support from anyone else who is happy with their decission to only have 1 & has suffered this?

Pix

GothAnneGeddes Fri 15-Jun-12 03:27:21

Gramercy - That is horrible, just disgusting.

We have a dd. We were planning on having more children, but some rather grim fertility issues hoved into view and it looks like that won't happen without fertility treatment.

Dd is lovely and in many ways I'd be delighted just to have her. What pisses me off is the disdain and pity you get for only having one child. It is purely cultural. If having one child was the norm, no one would care.

henrysmama2012 Fri 15-Jun-12 14:41:22

Gramercy - what a cow that school gate mum is. She's a complete loser. I think with people like here you have to bring the comment completely out in the open which will embarrass her:
'you don't have a family'
'what exactly do you mean by that?'-and push until she explains herself
Then ask can't she see that her comment is offensive, to tell a mother that she doesn't have a family?

It works with my students anyway grin i.e. if you don't let a 'clever' little comment pass and ask exactly what it means, the 'clever'ness of it tends to disappear pretty quickly wink

gramercy Fri 15-Jun-12 18:36:11

henrysmama - I wish I had the courage to do that - on any subject! The number of times in my life that I've been on the receiving end of some insulting comment and I've just shrunken back and then dwelt on it (for far too long!). Much better to be up-front and let someone know they've been hurtful or rude. Although then one lays oneself open to the "Oooh, you're so sensitive" comeback. [Toddles off to ponder on why people are rude...]

loverofwine Sat 03-Nov-12 09:47:21

I know this is an old thread but it caught my eye. As a mother of four boys I am continually getting comments which, when you dig down are basically 'how dare you flaunt your fecundity - you haven't a hope in hell of raising these kids right'..
This of course hits right at my sore spot as whilst we are a happy brood a part of me can't but wonder if the kids are missing out in some way by being one of many. The reality is that they seem a happy, well behaved bunch and I am proud to be their mum.

It seems to me that if you come from the other end of the spectrum and are parent of one similar worries abound but are generally subsumed by the reality that you have a happy family unit.

It is completely wrong of people to comment and judge but they do so the best thing is just to ignore it and accept that happy families come in all shapes and sizes.

Bubblyjubblymummy Sun 04-Nov-12 18:51:32

My one DS was a happy accident, I didn't think i'd be able to have children. I wouldn't change a thing, if i had my life to do over again i'd still have him x x

Rowanhart Sat 17-Nov-12 16:31:17

Dancing on thin ice, unless you are an only child I can't imagine how typu can think you have such a clear idea of what it is like.

I'm an only child and we're only planning on having one. Husband is one of three and he thinks it is the best thing for us. Well be able to offer our little one so much more in terms of opportunity and experiences than if we had two.

Our little one won't be lonely. And neither was I. Infact I see it as having best of both worlds. Had lots of cousins I saw all the time, and lots of friends. My two best girl friends are also both only children and we've been best pals since first day of primary school. I was also the centre of my parents universe. I never felt like I was vying for attention with anyone and was much more secure than some of my friends as a result.

sarah341 Tue 27-Nov-12 08:01:51

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

brodysmummy14 Tue 25-Dec-12 23:45:50

People think I'm odd because I only want one child, they are consistently telling me that I will change my mind. Some people just don't understand because the people that tell me have more then one child and felt like they had something missing. But my life is complete just with my little boy.

manicmother80 Thu 14-Feb-13 23:36:50

I have one daughter and I am constantly asked (and judged) about not having another child. I live in India, where it is common for many generations of family to live under one roof, and where most people want desperately to have a son, so the pressure is three times as bad- I am always being told that is very cruel for me to not have another child, and it must be so lonely for her especially because we don't have either set of grandparents living with us, and I am constantly being asked whether I am truly happy not having had a son.

The funny thing is that my daughter loves being the only child and having both parents lives revolve around her. She is not lonely at all, on the contrary she is a VERY social girl. She is always organising some kind of a party/ sleepover/ movie marathon, and our house is usually filled with her classmates.

And I think that being an only child means that she does not taking sibling companionship for granted and is an extra-caring for the people in her life: her 2 little neices and one nephew absolutely adore her, and she takes amazing care of them- for example, last year she made each of them a comic book for their birthday, about a super-hero version of themselves. This year she spent one weekend taking free 'technology classes' for the elderly people in our neighbourhood, teaching them to use email and skype. I think that being an only child is a large part of why she is so empathatic and caring towards the elderly and the very young.

Yes, she is perhaphs a little more used to getting her own way than she would have been if she had a sibling, but she is by no means rude, spoilt or inconsiderate. And it's not like having more than one child doesn't have a downside either- my husband, for instance, felt quite insecure as a child because he was completely overshadowed by his charismatic and brilliant older brother. No major life decision is going to be 'perfect', and it's silly to make it look like having 2-3 children is ideal and having only one is a catastrophe.

My husband andI couldn't be happier- but it was not our choice to have just one child, it was a medical necessity, so this just makes all the judgemental comments even more annoying. I truly wish that people would let go of their idiotic stereotypes surrounding only children.

ChelseaKnows1 Fri 15-Feb-13 10:13:24

Me and my fiancé have decided we are happy with our daughter and don't want anymore children. Our reasons for having only one:
- I had a very bad pregnancy.
- I want to build up a career.
- Had PND.
- Money & Space = Tight.
- Happy being just us three.
- We want to give our only every opportunity we can. We wouldn't be able to with more than one.

My MIL finds this hard to grasp. IMO I would be a bad mother if I was to have another child just because other people think its fairer to my daughter. Also if I got PND again I'd be no use to anyone.
So I think there is nothing wrong with having just the one. My family is complete.

popcornpaws Fri 01-Mar-13 16:31:41

I only wanted one child, my husband was happy with that decision too, my daughter has never wished for siblings. I asked her if she ever felt/feels lonely and she said no, i have friends.
My mil did say when she heard we weren't having any more children, having one isn't a family. This from the woman that had 5, and was on medication as she couldn't cope and never saw her husband as he had to work all hours to support them...

FairPhyllis Mon 11-Mar-13 05:26:04

I am an only (well I have a half sib but we never lived together and don't really speak). I was sometimes lonely as a child, but to be honest it gets worse as you get older. All the burden of caring for my parents will fall on me, and I won't have anyone to share my memories of them, and my childhood with.

My mother has a very close relationship with her brothers, and now their parents have died they are all rallying around each other. I am just really sad that they didn't give me the chance to have that kind of relationship. I definitely won't be having an only!

Wishfulmakeupping Mon 11-Mar-13 05:44:54

It's no-ones business but yours and your partner's! Don't feel the need to justify it to anyone.

syl1985 Wed 27-Mar-13 18:35:02

Problem is by these people. For some reason they think it's better to take more kids or they are just trying to make a conversation on a totally rubbish way.

I think any parent needs a thick skin to handle all the comments that we get.

From stupid eyes in the shop when your child has got a tantrum there. Like it's your fault that happens. Any kid has got them from time to time. But try to explain that to the idiots around you who never had kids and think they know it all!

To all these silly and sometimes even downright hurtful comments that we are getting. Sometimes from people that we know and sometimes from total strangers who seems to have nothing better to do then just being a pain in the you know what where for everyone else.

Iwantmybed Thu 28-Mar-13 12:29:57

We now actually have 2 but after DD1 we were content and my answer to these dumb questions was "We got it right first time, DD is just too perfect, why would we want another?". It always stopped any further comments.

k12345678 Fri 12-Apr-13 16:55:45

to be honest, I had no idea that so many people had an issue with one child families until I saw this section on here. I really can't see what the big deal is? I question the motives of any onlooker (whether they be family members or not) who wants to voice an unwanted opinion on this matter.

tanyaandflynn Tue 16-Apr-13 20:24:41

I'm one of four (not counting one stillborn angel and a half brother I met twice)
I wish more than anything I had been an only child, my older brother abused me for years I never really got on with my older sister and by the time I was five and my little brother came along my mum had gotten fed up with the idea of having kids and it pretty much fell on me and my sister to raise him, then when my sister got bored it was all me, from about 12 I was running the house cooking all the meals and taking care of my brother while dealing with my own problems. Had I been an only child I wouldn't have had any of that to deal with.
When people ask me when ds will get a sibling I just tell them the dr says I can't have anymore, its a lie we told gmil as she just couldn't understand why you wouldn't want more than one and its just been easier to use that as an excuse, it shuts them up quite well and is believe able as near the end of my pg I was wheelchair bound and had a bad labour and nearly lost ds.

tanyaandflynn Tue 16-Apr-13 20:27:28

Forgot to add I have little to no contac with my siblings now and hadn't seen my mother in years, she died two weeks ago and no one told me for two days. I'm not going I my mothers funeral because my brother will be there.
My ds won't ever have to go through that. Ever.

mummysbigsmiles Tue 23-Apr-13 10:49:28

I have my six month old DD! Im sticking with one! I respect people who have three four kids! I just couldnt do it! I enjoy my 'me time' too much when DD is down at 7:00 at night!

LondonJax Fri 03-May-13 18:52:40

We only had one child due to infertility plus I'm an older mum. A few people have posted that they wanted more than one so they'd be support for each other as the parents got older or ill. Well, I have sisters and my mum is ill. One lives abroad and the other has left the lot to me. I had the burden of all the hospital visits, I arranged all the help at home and now do all the medications, call outs etc. Other sister doesn't want to know. Too busy at work, or with her family. So, having two siblings didn't give me support and, to be honest, it's harder to bear than it would have been if I were an only. I'd at least have known what was coming. My sisters and I have always got on BTW and both of them call mum each day, what they won't or can't do is spare the time to run around. I've told DS that, when he gets older, he should go abroad if he wants to and let social services deal with me and DH - it's what we've paid for.

sunshine401 Fri 03-May-13 19:06:34

Sometimes wish I had stuck at one sad Of course I love my children and I always will but seeing my sister's lifestyle with just one I get sooo envy
-More money
-Better holidays
-NO CHILDREN FIGHTING
My little niece is Definitely not lonely hmm she loves her one and one time with her mummy and daddy she has lots of friends at school and also we have many many young children in the family now and we always get together at least twice a week even if it is just an hour at the park.
I love my children deeply but I do feel bad sometimes that they cannot get the full attention they deserve.

Woofers Tue 14-May-13 22:23:11

I have read the whole thread with interest. I am preg with no1. I have been in hospital twice with HG related dehydration. I keep getting " it will be different with the next one"
Yurm no!!!! I'm not doing this again! Firstly I am an only child, and I wasn't lonely. Secondly my dh was the eldest of 2 boys he only wants one child.

On my reply to "next time" I always get, "you'll change your mind"

I am not complaining - just commenting that I get similar comments about having / wanting only one.

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