How do you deal with people asking you about #2

[lettingitallgonow]

We have a lovely DD aged 4 and have been trying for #2 for over a year now. I'm nearly 40 so it's looking unlikely that we'll be having a second sob

I'm a really private person (ok putting this on the internet isn't exactly private but i can hide behind my online persona) and I get really narked as, it feels like, everyone is asking when we'll be trying for number 2. My standard response tends to be fairly non descript along with shrugged shoulders and a 'not sure we want a second'.

But should I simply tell people we've been trying, for over 12 months now with no success (I hate the thought of doing that), or simply tell people to 'mind their own business', but I also can't see myself doing that as the people asking tend to be friends or family..

I still get really upset that it hasn't happened and dont' want to have big indepth conversations with people about my sex life or reproduction system..

How do you do it?

[ChrisTingleTeaspoon]

I'm in the same boat, 3.10 yo dd and despite 18 months of trying (inc a mc) there's no sign of dc2. With dd starting school last September I've obviously met loads of new mums and quite a few have asked "have you just got the one?", so I usually say something along the lines of "we'd love another but it just hasn't happened for us". Some people have left it at that, a few are in the same boat we've 'compared notes'! No one has been insensitive about it.

[Haziedoll]

It is really rude and insensitive of people to ask.

We have a large gap and it took us a year to conceive ds2. I was in my late 30s so don't give up hope yet.

I didn't want people to know my business so I used to say that we couldn't afford another child. One particular person was very overbearing who would keep going on about me being old and she would tell ds that he had to tell mummy and daddy to get a move on.

I lost my cool with her and said that it was seeing how they were clearly not coping with two that had me realise that it was best to stick at one.

Now we have two she asks if dh has booked in for a vasectomy yet! Some people have no boundaries.

[GoAndDoSomeWork]

I have a five year old conceived on the third round of IVF and have since had 5 more goes and finally have given up. I cannot conceive naturally and have decided at 40 it is time to call it a day. My reaction depends on my mood I either just try to laugh off their question or tell them it is not possible. Most people then shut up but the odd one appears to have no boundaries and starts suggesting IVF when I tell them we've tried it ask why we don't try again I tell them we have and then they go on about the latest bit of random research they've heard and I try to extract myself as quickly as possible. I never tell people I don't want a second child as it is not true and leads to a whole different line of questioning which I find more upsetting.

I am lucky in that I have a very good friend who is in the same situation. Also we are very happy in our family of three (plus cats!). Actually the cats are quite a good decoy for my dd who also gets asked about siblings - she usually says no but I have two cats. Have a look on the fertility friends website - if nothing else it makes you very grateful that you have a child at all but also plenty of good advice on the options available to you.

[lettingitallgonow]

Thanks for the responses, I do find it amazing that, on this subject, some people have no boundries on asking really personal questions. I'd never dream of asking someone I barely knew (or even knew well) if they'd 'had sex that month' but that's what I sometimes feel it boils down to.

I'd love another one and sometimes get quite upset about it all, but equally I also love my life at the moment so I know it wouldn't be the end of the world. It just feels difficult sometiems, that the 'done' thing seems to be to have 2 children, and if you don't fit that mould there's something wrong with you.

[Llanarth]

If someone says to me 'Have you just got the one' then my reply is "Yes, we've just got [DS's name]'. Is [their child's name] your eldest?", i.e. deflecting the attention back to them.

If someone says "Have you got plans to have any more" or (more crassly!) "Are you trying for number 2" I would say "No, we're just going to stick with [DS]. How about you, any plans for more?" Again, turn the question back to them - everyone loves talking about themselves!

My DH and I are relatively young - well, not really (34) but young enough that people don't immediately assume infertility, so they can't rule out that it might be down to our choice, which is an assumption I'm happy enough for them to make, given we have made the choice not to pursue fertility treatment and love our little family of three.

[SquishyCinnamonSwirls]

My reaction depends on how I'm feeling and my hormones. I've been known to tell people to mind their own business, burst into tears (the bloody woman brought it up for the 2nd time the day after I'd miscarried) or just tell people that we'd love more but it's just not happening for us. It all depends on who it is, if it's someone I don't know then I try to shut them down quite quickly tbh.

[WhatWouldLeoDo]

No helpful answer, but I can sympathise as we get asked this a lot. SIL makes comments about time ticking by. I don't really want to discuss it with anyone and I hate it when people ask. They have no way of knowing whether we've unsuccessfully been ttc. I had two m/c pre DS too so it's not like having a successful pregnancy comes easily to me.

[DontCallMeBaby]

FWIW, 'have you just got the one' is not necessarily the loaded question it seems, and doesn't need any answer other than 'yes'. Llanarth's answer is the gold-plated option. It's an impossible question to phrase correctly - 'have you got any other children' sounds awful if you're in the wrong mood, after all. DH and I often get asked about ' the children' and have to reply 'we just have the one' and that 'just' means NOTHING AT ALL. It's that or 'we only have one' - 'we have one' sounds bizarre. But there's no 'just' or 'only' about DD.

I think if you want to get a bit of a message across, something like 'it's not always that straightforward' can be a good line to well-meaning idiots suggesting you might want to start trying for #2. But that doesn't do much about the purely idiotic idiots.

[EssentialFattyAcid]

Just say some of us get it right first time and grin cheekily

[Sesquipedality]

V rude that peole ask. DS an only and now 7 but annoys the tits off me. I started for the first two yers unable to think about another, stressful birth, clingy baby etc. So spent most of the time going oh well, perhaps one day etc etc, then a couple of peple just gobbed off brutally that they assumed I was a career girl - as if and din't go back to work until ds was 2 - who'd chosen not to, that i'd chosen work over kids. Not true and was most offended! Had no idea peole wuld have thought that about me - or been so judgemental. Idiot that I am.

Since then I just say to people we'd love another but it hasn't happened, so What can you do? That shuts most of them up because they can't face/dont want to get into a long converstation. Perhaps they think I'll get emotional, cry or drone on boringly about various procedures etc.

Whatever the reason it sure shuts people up quicker than my fumbling answers of the past.

What it's got to do with anyone else I don't know. As if go around asking people how on earth they've come to have 4 or whatever. It's just bloody rude!

[Glubs]

I have one child by choice. When people ask me, I tell them and no-one believes me. They give me a knowing look and assume I'm pretending it's my choice and that really I'm avoiding a conversation about fertility etc. You can't win. People are people.

[philbee]

In the last few days I've had a lot of this, from near strangers insisting I'll have a second to people who know about the mc talking about 'number two', wink wink. And they go on and on! I keep quiet mostly but I really wish they'd just shut up. We've been TTCing for a while and would like another, but we are happy as three, and I wish people would just stop talking about it like it's a foregone conclusion.

[Thumbwitch]

As DS gets older, he's 4 now, people have asked less and less - but mostly I just say "Oh you know, we're hoping we'll get lucky again but the odds are against us" - usually shuts them up.

Then you get the ones who start trying to delve into your medical management and ask about things like "have you considered donor eggs?" (given my age) - now that does piss me off. It implies a level of stupidity/ignorance in me, something that always gets me going anyway - but frankly, how we're dealing with our attempts to have a second child is absolutely none of anyone else's fucking business and they should most certainly not start asking those questions when they've only just met you. Or even if they casually know you. Or, in fact, at all.

[Mibby]

DD is nearly 16 months and we get a lot of this. Apparently she 'needs' a sibling. Its really starting to annoy me, DH had cancer and chemo before we had her and as she took a while to conceieve and we're now 35 and 40 i dont suspect 'another one' would be that easy. Not to mention a lousy pregnancy. Some people are just insensitive and / or nosey tho

[Kitchendiva80]

We got this almost as soon as our dd was born. This was even people really close to us who had been with us through the 6 years and ivf cycles it took to finally get pregnant with our dd. it was like as soon as she was born they'd forgotten about the times I sat in their living rooms sobbing cause it hadn't worked or was taking so long. Ours was unexplained infertility so maybe that's why. My response varies depending on my mood. If feeling particularly sick of it I start talking about sperm and vaginas - although unexplained they thought may have been bonding issue. This usually gets people changing the subject. Esp if of a different generation. If I'm ok about then we usually say we're enjoying our dd too much just now maybe when she's bigger or well it might not be on the cards given how long it took to get our dd but we're not ruling it out.

[bebanjo]

Oh that's easy, just home educate, people are much more judgmental about that and dont even care how many children you have!

[ivykaty44]

I told them it was a very intimate question and I really didn't want to chat with them about when they had sex or blow jobs or what ever or when I had sex thank you very much as I like to keep that type of thing to myself and my dp.

I worked

[Amanda1977]

Love Essentialfattyacid's response! I so often want to say that! Basically insinuating parents keep popping them out hoping the next one will be better than the last! Also don't think we'll be able to put more than one through uni!

[stupidgirlNo1]

I was almost interviewed everyday by people I meet in the school.DS is 5 and YES I would like to have one.But it is not happening.Answering the question is more difficult than to digest the fact it is not happening.

[beela]

Our ds is 20 months now and, due to tricky start, high energy child and poor sleep - and wanting to relay and enjoy our lovely boy - we are only just ready to maybe start thinking about whether or not to try for another. Yet on a pretty much weekly basis, i get random people saying things like 'oh, there are only 21 months between my two so you've got no excuse'. As though their family has any bearing on mine.

I usually tell them that when no 1 starts sleeping properly then we might consider it. This usually leads to sleep advice, rather than sex advice.

[redlac]

Dd is 6 and I never get asked anymore but I remember it being asked a lot when she was around 2 years old. My standard answer was "you can't improve on perfection" - it took 3 long years for DD to appear and I have never felt the desire to have more

[violetwellies]

I had an emergency hysterectomy following hemorrhage with Ds. I tell people, as they have usually reduced me to tears anyway (he is 13 months &it is getting better)

[Northumberlandlass]

"Why have you only one child? Are you going to have any more?"

Me: "Why do you feel the need to ask very personal questions? Are you going to stop?"

[OhDearNigel]

I think you should be honest. At least then it might stop people from reoffending. If they think a second baby is on the horizon and don't know why it's a painful topic they will just keep on banging that drum.

[CraftyHana]

I have always let my feelings known, I only ever wanted one. I couldn't believe that when ds had just been born how many people asked when I would have another. With limited time and resources I'd rather do a good job with one than half arsed with two! Seeing my SS with her 3 and SIL with 2..that's enough to put you off even if I wanted more!!