What to do with an only child who dislikes playing alone? He's been telling me he's lonely :(

[StarsAreShining]

I'm having my own personal difficulties at the moment and really struggling to keep my son entertained. I don't think I was cut out to be a SAHM at all (I'm a single parent with very few friends of my own) and am desperate for adult company. I'm just very worried about my son. He's about to turn 4. He's a really lovely child, but never has anybody to play with. How can I encourage him to play alone? I've tried many different things, but none seem to have worked. I'm overly reliant on the TV at the moment, and that makes me feel guilty. It's quite doubtful that I'll ever have another child, certainly not one close in age to my son. I didn't plan that, but that's the way it's turned out. Just really want him to develop his imagination so he can play alone and enjoy it. I had a sister as I was growing up and absolutely loved it. Of course, we fought a lot, but I was never lonely.

I think I'm being a little hard on mself when I say that he never has anybody to play with. Of course, he plays with other children. It's just that he very rarely plays with other children at our house. I don't know how to get him to enjoy the time alone.

[grumplestilskin]

he doesn't sound lonely because he's an only child, he sounds lonely because you both sound like he need more people/friends in your lives , what's preventing you having more play dates and friends around?

[TeamDamon]

DS is 8 now and we have a good balance between friends to play here, going to friends' houses, us playing with him and him amusing himself.

When you say you want to encourage him to play alone, I am assuming you mean that you play lots with him but just don't want to have to do that all the time! We found it got easier as DS got older and able to do more things independently so since your DS is very young yet, you may have to accept that you have to get him started with lots of games: we did things like building wooden railway together, playing with it and then encouraging him to develop the story by himself. Now I play lots of board games with DS, or we play his DS games together so he has someone to talk to about what level he's on and so on. Sometimes you have to be their friend in that sense - be prepared to get to their level and be a child for them. DS and I are very silly together because that was something I enjoyed with my siblings - just ridiculous games - so I provide that for him.

The other thing that comes with age is reading of course - DS reads and reads and reads!

Why does he very rarely play with other children at your house? One of the things I was determined to do when I knew DS would be an only was to build up a good social circle for him. It can be hard and take perseverance but is important to do.

[StrictlySazz]

Does he go to playgroup/preschool for his 15 hours? If so, could you set up some meetings with other mums on different days at a soft play, or invite them round for coffee?

Also, i found by volunteering to do duty at the playgroup/preschool you get to know the teachers, parents and children who your DC play with?

[StarsAreShining]

I've just started treatment for depression and anxiety. To be getting up and dressed and everything feels good for me. The things we're doing now really take it out of me. The idea of having people over is absolutely terrifying. Also a bit embarrassing. I privately rent a house and it's not the nicest place. I know I need to get to know some of the parents. I'm having a birthday party for him in one of those childrens play centres, so was hoping to invite some of the children from nursery. It's all just terrifying, really. I'm trying to stay positive and life does seem to be looking up, but I'm really going to have to build up the courage to talk to the parents. There have been a few parents I've spoken to, but they don't seem to like me. Bleh. When you have other children over to play, do their parents come too? Do you have them stay for tea?

[LePruneDeMaTante]

Sorry you're having such a hard time.
Remember that his vocabulary isn't as well-developed as an adult's: 'lonely' is such a very emotive word to us, and I suspect to him it might just mean that he fancies having something to do at the moment he says it. It probably doesn't have the meaning of feeling isolated long-term that it does for us.

I struggle a bit with this too because I'm pretty self-contained and a bit of a homebody. At that age, I did have the other mothers round too, but now he's older, that happens less frequently. However, I didn't always enjoy having the mothers there and we didn't always stay friends, it was more a 'let's get the boys together' thing and we would just chat detachedly over a cup of tea. I think that all parents sort of struggle with 'other parents' sometimes and feel they don't want a friendship with them, but their children like each other and it has to be borne for a while. (Though of course you can also meet good friends that way.)

An outing is good too - if you have a great swing park somewhere near you, it can be less stressful than having to get the house ready (especially if you're feeling low).

Would your ds do a class or activity like Enjoy-a-Ball or a messy craft class, or even a church activity group (if that's your thing: they're just usually easy to find and join and also cheap/free)? I find if I've done (or ds has done!) one outside class and one or two playdates a week, I feel better about it all.

[LePruneDeMaTante]

Sorry, forgot to say: I found 4 to be a really hard age for playing alone. DS just wasn't made that way! He is older now and actually asked me to go upstairs so he could get on with playing by himself today Apparently I was cramping his style by sitting on the sofa. I really did struggle when he was 4, though.

[EssentialFattyAcid]

Try reading "Playful Parenting" - my fave parenting book ever, and invite another mother and child over to yours regularly - get chatting in the park to another mother whose child is playing with your son and invite them for coffee.