HELP! Normal or should I be worried?

[Lovethesea]

I went back to work part time in June 2012. DS (now 2.5) and DD (4) started at a nursery 2 afternoons a week to make this possible.

DS has always been v.confident at playgroups I stayed at, never clingy, wanders off without a backward glance. DD settled fine at nursery and is in the 3-5 room. DS is in the younger room and was upset when I left but seemed to have adapted after 4-5 weeks, stopped crying and was apparantly happy once I'd gone and played until DH picked him up.

Then 3 months ago this all changed. No trigger I can think of but DS has become more and more distressed when left. Yesterday he was sobbing and trying to get back out the door before we'd even got his coat off. He screams and kicks his keyworker as they pick him up to allow me out. He still calms usually after 5 or 10 minutes but the distress seems more acute somehow.

I've tried quick drop offs and cheery byes.
I've tried staying a while then going.
I've tried giving him special toys to take in with him.
They've organised his favourite toy to be out on arrival (cars).
His keyworker is there to meet him, they know he has glue ear in both ears (waiting on consultant appointment in Feb). He is fine being left with granparents and at home doesn't follow me around.

What else can we try? He has gone from happily sleeping all night in his own room and bed to screaming, crying and sobbing if not allowed to sleep in MummyDaddyBed.

He's started preschool playgroup 2 mornings a week in December and sobs when I leave there too. It just seems so out of character for him I can't think what else to try. Looked into childminders originally but no spaces locally. Normal? Perservere? Worry about it???

[NaturalBaby]

Have you spoken to the staff? Is it usually the same member of staff you hand him over to or different staff? The staff should reassure you about how he is during the day, if you're not happy after talking to them then I would worry a bit.

[Lovethesea]

We've just changed keyworker as he apparantly wasn't wanting to spend time with his keyworker despite her efforts (she seems lovely but I think he saw her as responsible for me going away). They are making a big effort to have a consistant handover for him. I did call in yesterday and they said he had settled after 5 minutes or so.

DH always picks him up and says he's fine, playing away happily and not desperate to leave. I only see the heartbroken sobbing screaming bit though!

[GladbagsGold]

What is he like when your DH drops him off? DS used to be awful for me and fine with DH. So we'd try and get DH to do a run of drop offs to get DS out of the habit of getting upset. Very hard to deal with but it did pass. You have my sympathies.

[Lovethesea]

DH never drops him off.

I work afternoon/evenings and he works 9-5 hours. So I drop them for 2pm and he picks them up at 6pm.

He has some time off in a while so we could try that. Thanks, I am fine if it's just him letting off emotional steam then being ok but it's how acute it is, how out of character, the not sleeping in his own bed anymore. I don't want to stress him out too much.

[GladbagsGold]

It might be a bit of reality setting in, realising that its an ongoing arrangement rather than a novelty. Or it could be another child at nursery who has either started or left, that he particularly liked/disliked, and has changed the dynamic of nursery for him. But hes too little to really articulate that and naturally it comes out as 'I want my mummy'.

Both my DC have gone through phases of sleeping in our bed rather than their own, I think it was their way of getting extra time with mummy/daddy. I just used to shuffle up a bit and go back to sleep. It was nice and snuggly so why not? And if he gets a better nights sleep his days will probably be a bit happier for him too.

[Lovethesea]

We're just going with the bed thing right now, but DD comes in to so not to be left out and with the cat insisting on his space it's getting a tad crowded!

DH or I end up in DD's bed to get some undisturbed sleep, you're right though, the sleep thing is a phase and if it's the difference between going calmly to sleep on his own in our bed or screaming blue murder in his room we'll take the former.

Its just trying to sort out any links between that and being left. Separation anxiety at 2.5?

[needtogetoffsofa]

Is there any chance of both children being in the sae room for a short while when you drop the off. I know about the different age groups but I work in a pre-school and we would consider this option for a while to help difuse a situation.

[needtogetoffsofa]

sorry same and them - m sticking on keyboard!

[Lovethesea]

I think they are limited by their ratios as Ive asked if he could go to the older room earlier than 3, but a drop off time might be good actually, I'll ask about that.

His glue ear is causing him mild-moderate hearing loss and affects his speech so can frustrate and stress him. He likes to play alone with cars when tired and has bitten or pushed out when other children come too close to 'his toys' so I know he can be stressed by the younger ones who don't realise their grabbing is going to cause such a reaction.

They have been good about his hearing and have moved his lunch room to take him out of a noisy echoing space that they could see was stressful for him, he now eats with some other children in the older children's area instead.

[babbi]

Is the time of the day the problem ??
Mine still needed a nap or a lie down about 1.30 ish at that age.
Maybe he is going when he is starting to get a bit weary making him more fretful than he would otherwise be?

[JellyMould]

I bet the glue ear makes it really difficult for him in noisy environments. His hearing will affect him more and it's probably really unnerving not being able to hear or understand what's going on. Have you considered using baby sign language and asking his key worker to learn a few signs that she could use to explain what's happening next etc?

[Lovethesea]

The time of day doesn't help, he hasn't napped for months now but does occasionally fall asleep in the car in the afternoon if we are out. They have persuaded him to nap on a sofa only a couple of extreme times and sat stroking his hair til he fell asleep, but he won't lie down with the other nappers and he won't nap at home for me either.

The glue ear does throw him, we had to stop soccertots as the noisy sports hall was so echoing he laid on the floor crying with his hands over his ears.

I have used signs for food, drink, nap (ha, that always gets NO) with him so I'll remind the new keyworker of those, in a crowded room I know he can't hear even someone in front of him - the wall of noise drowns the individual voice.

Thanks - this is helping. Part of me just wishes my mum would take him for the 8 hours a week but she can't cope with them both and DD would be seriously hurt if she went to nursery and he to grandparents!

So, go back to keyword signs, DH drop off when off work, stay with sister for a little bit if possible when arrives ... and pray the ENT consultant gives him grommets asap.

[ArbitraryUsername]

Maybe suggest to the key worker that they might want to try using signs with all the children. It's a great thing to do with toddlers whether they can hear or not. DS2's nursery does signing in all the rooms. It's good to give young children as many ways of communicating as possible. The staff probably go home and find themselves signing away at the dinner table out of habit.

[ArbitraryUsername]

DS2 has been in nursery since 7 months. He loves nursery and never wants to come home when we pick him up. Still he goes through periods of being clingy and even crying (although not so much now, it's more whinging and complaining) when he was dropped off. There doesn't seem to be any reason for it.

[holidaysarenice]

It almost seems that this new bout of upset coincided with starting the other nursery. Could it be something there he doesn't like/enjoy/confident with?

Would trying just back to the original for a few weeks be an idea?

[Lovethesea]

Off to nursery again this afternoon, am going to remind them about the signs and ask before we go if he can settle with DD before he goes to his room.....

[Lovethesea]

Well Tuesday and today went much better - DD stayed in his area with him for a while and was happy to help cheer him up. His new keyworker seems the perfect mix of calm and cuddles when needed -as- -restraint- Apparantly cried much less so hopefully the sister in with him is doing the trick!

Thanks - don't think I would've thought of that one. He's even sleeping in his bed again. I moved it into his sisters bedroom (they used to share) and that seems to work well for them both.

[GladbagsGold]

Thanks for the update and fingers crossed it continues like this. Wishing you peaceful drop offs!

[Mia510]

This may sound like a stupid question but have u asked him why he is upset ?