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Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum.

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Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum.

Nurseries

PLEASE HELP! what \how can i stop\ help ds getting bullied in nursery

45 replies

trace2 · 21/04/2006 09:00

it started last year from 2.5 have paid for ds to go to nursery 5 days a week, he used to go in the afternoons, 5 days a week, but he was coming home saying some one was hurting him, in time we know who was doing it, we did tell his teachers time and time again.
so we asked for him to go to mornings because of it, so in sept they found him a place, but the shock on my face in sept first day back, there was the sAME CHILD, i asked why he had been moved too as if i would have know i would have kept ds in the afternoons!, they didnt know how to answer, and there was no places left in the aftnnons now.
within a week ds was getting the same as befor , naughty, crying not wanting to do any thing, when on the 4th day back putting ds in the bath when he had this massive bite on his back, we took photos took to nursery, and they did get the mother in, she herself came and said sorry it wont happen again.

well since then we have been in loads of times telling them whats happened every day, all i get his they pklay together what can we do?, last night sat down talked to ds he told us he plays with him, because he dont hurt him as much as when i dont play with him.
he also tells other kids not to play with him.
WHYWONT the nursery do any thing, its bracking mine and dh heart, no idea what to do, ds has to go to big school with him soon, and its already scaring him. going in again this morning to explAIN HOW DS FEELS.

sorry its long just dont know what to do, i said we should take ds out but, theres no other nurserys with places, and he does enjoy going

OP posts:

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Pennies · 21/04/2006 09:31

Not really sure what you can do.

Ask to see thier discipline / bullying policy?

Arrange a meeting with nursery and other kids mum to discuss it?

Ofsted?

Tricky one.

rummum · 21/04/2006 09:45

Have you been in the nursery to help at all so you can see for yourself what is happening?
Is your son fairly quiet?.. could suggest that he shouts NO at the top of his voice when this boy hurts him.... this will help him when he goes to school as well...
Does he have other friends at the nursery that will be going up to school with him... maybe you could encourage these friendships...

Rummum

Auntymandy · 21/04/2006 09:48

you need to talk to the staff again.
They need to act o0n 0it0000.0000.0000...

Auntymandy · 21/04/2006 09:49

extra '0's curtsest of ds 19months!!

soapbox · 21/04/2006 09:52

Trace - I think you've tried hard enough frankly with the nursery. Pull him out and find somewhere else for him to go - it clearly isn't a great environmnet for him (or probably children in general) and I wouldn't keep putting my small child through this degree of unpleasantness for a second longer than I needed to.

As soon as you've got him out write a long letter to OFSTED explaning exactly what the issues with the nursery are!

rummum · 21/04/2006 09:57

Trace2.. does your son cry when the other boy hits him? How do the staff react? does the other boy have to say sorry... does he do this to other children? does the other childs keyworker stalk him to stop the bad behaviour happening,

sorry loads of questions...

Pinotmum · 21/04/2006 09:59

I assume this child has a keyworker who does observations on this child. His behaviour should be well known to the staff and they should be shadowing him if he bites. They need to be consistent in their discipline repeating that this behaviour is unacceptable. Your child shouldn't feel threatened whilst in their care. Tell your son to say in a loud voice "No" or "I don't like that". Your son needs to know he is allowed to say what he doesn't like and that he doesn't have to accept it (because the adults don't appear bothered). Some children are rougher than others and sometimes staff don't like the confrontation of a "challenging" child but someone needs to take responsibility here so I'd go in and talk to the Manager to see if this child can be closely monitored. Good luck

rummum · 21/04/2006 10:03

Pinotmum... how come you said what I was trying to say so well...

sarahhal · 21/04/2006 10:04

Sounds tough trace and hope that little DS isn't too upset by it all.

It's really hard isn't it, as if it was school there would be a much more rigid anti bullying policy but guess it's different at pre school level.

Come and join us at our nursery ( you know which one!!!)

Pinotmum · 21/04/2006 10:06

Well that makes a change I'm normally struggling to get it out properly minus spelling errors.

Oblomov · 21/04/2006 10:15

This is a disgrace.
I am sorry that you are having to go through this.
Take it to the top.
Demand a meeting with the nursery.
Tell tham that you will take it to Ofsted, if you are not happy.

oops · 21/04/2006 10:24

i am not sure what can be done, but a similar thing happens in my ds1's playgroup.
there is a boy who is just really horrible to the other kids, he pushes them over, by hitting them in the face. Circle time is jsut an excuse for him to kick the other kids.. he is really really difficult and the 2 workers there try reLLY HARD TO DEAL WITH IT, he is sent to sit on a chair on his own, he apologises etc etc

yesterday it was my ds who was pushed over by him, the staff said they felt he wasn't hurt, just upset, but apparently he kept asking to come in from outdoor play

i really don't know what to do, the group is great ds1 loves it. there are no other spaces so he has to go a t the same time as the other boy.. i feel like next time i am on parents rota i am going to take this lad to one side, aND SHOUT AT HIM OR SOMETHING. i can feel to stress of it bubbling up whenever i see him
I have a baby who i take on rota too and i physucally can't put him down if * is there, he maybe will hit of kick him, so my time there is ruined because i have to carry heavy baby and play with the toddlers whilst trying to stop baby from coming to harm too.

anyway, rambling, you have my sympathy, and i can see how the situation os being tackled so am less upset, maybe you could go in with your son for a few sessions and see how it works?

FairyMum · 21/04/2006 10:26

Not acceptable and up to the teachers to deal with IMO. In our nursery they send disruptive children and children who bully to the manager's office. They have also sent children home in the past for hitting. I am talking about the 3+ yrs children.

trace2 · 21/04/2006 10:26

been in this morning andthey said said it was ds yesterday who caused it saying he was snatching, but i think hes has enough, of it all or are they trying to blame him becuse of whats happens, i know hes not perfect,and if ds does any bully i want to know so i can stop it, so i pulled ds out and asked him why he was naughty yesterday, he said i wasnt naughty they did it to me first, daddy told me to hit back!.
the teacher then said well i only saw your ds doing it yesterday, ( are they covering there backs) i then said maybe hes retalaiting, hes had so much of this.

and she said she dont know what they can do only watch them, and i should maybe think of moving him to afternoons

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Pinotmum · 21/04/2006 10:33

Move him to another nursery as this isn't a positive reply imho. It's good to know your ds is standing up for himself though. I would have been tempted to say the same as your dh - if he keeps hitting you hit him back. Maybe this other child will learn consequences to actions which all children have to learn in one way or another.

oops · 21/04/2006 10:35

they MUST have a better answer than "all we can do is watch"!!!
they shoiuld be teaching children to negotiate their way around each other- that is one of the reasons to try to socialise them..

they must have some training on this to be able to run a nursery one would have thought. How much do you pay?
is it a playgroup type thing or a business??
ours is a little playgroup- ds1 is there 2 hrs 3 days a week so doesn't have to put up with too much- and it isn't just him, the other boy is not bothered who he hurts at all.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 21/04/2006 10:39

trace2 - the response you got this morning is PATHETIC. It is basically largely irrelevant who "started it" in one particular incident. the fact is they have a problem and they should be discussing with you forward-looking strategies for dealing with it, not talking about whose "fault" it is - which in the context of such young kids sounds like they are abrogating responsibility and putting it all on the parents. Having said that it is clear that they are somewhat incapable of tackling this problem and in the meantime your ds is suffering and I think probably the best thing is to move him out completely or switch to afternoons. It might seem unfair on you but it is probably the quickest solution and best for ds. I would be complaining in writing though as well

trace2 · 21/04/2006 10:40

its a bussiness and funded, we dont pay now but we did until he was funded

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trace2 · 21/04/2006 10:43

i have to phots in where hes been bite, and i have talked to his keyworker this morning too, ans i said i want you to write down every thing what happens!, they all know how naughty this child is, but never tell the parents if it was mine i would want to know.

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Pinotmum · 21/04/2006 10:49

I work in a pre-school and we have a boy who constantly hits, pushes, kicks both children and staff. We have a behaviour management policy and it is time consuming but we try to apply it to this boy. We remove him and he has time out for 3 mins. In this time he kicks you, hits you, screams you're hurting me if you try to stop him running off. He is quite capable of good behaviour and is quite bright. He sits nicely when the doors open at home time and Mummy always brings him sweets. My manager NEVER tells his mother he's been a pain because she gets upset and crys. We just keep plugging away but it is gettning better slowly.

dinosaure · 21/04/2006 10:53

trace2, we went through all this with DS1 from the other side, iyswim - he was a persistent biter, and this and other behaviour led to him being referred to our local Child Development Centre. He was ultimately diagnosed as having mild autism.

However, the key point is that when DS1 was being assessed at nursery by an educational psychologist, she found that the nursery staff were not only failing to supervise him, but were making no attempt to help him to integrate with and play with other children. So what happened was htat DS1 would attempt to interact with a group of children, then get upset and lash out or bite someone. Then he would be taken away and put in isolation until he calmed down, but once he was allowed back into the main room he was just allowed to drift around until it all happened again.

When he went to a different nursery they made it their priority to give him one-to-one attention, both to stop him biting AND to help him learn to play with other children successfully. This worked - it took a while, but it really worked.

This is a very round about way of saying that what your son's nursery is doing is COMPLETELY INADEQUATE.

trace2 · 21/04/2006 10:53

i understand what your saying but until this child gets better, my ds has to put up with this. i have rang a privet nursery and they may take him. sarahhal the one you mentioned

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trace2 · 21/04/2006 10:58

dinosaure, i have watched the other child and i have too thought og that (and i dont work there), the other child has trouble writing, dont know his colours, just dont want to learn, he seens to struggle with most thing, i have mentioned thid to his teachers, where ds is very bright, but they dont seen to care again if ds was not learning throught play i would want to know

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dinosaure · 21/04/2006 10:58

It's completely unacceptable that your child has to put up with it. I hope that you find somewhere better for him soon.

Tortington · 21/04/2006 11:14

request a meeting with the person in charge
have all your cmplaints written down and start keeping a diary of events
in letter of complaint. ask for thier official complaints policy and their bullying policy.

tell them that you are giving 2 more weeks then you intend to go to the papers with the pictures you have. if that doesn't kick them up the arse nowt will

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