help! suspicious situation at nursery?

[tibors]

I don't know if anyone can give advice but I'm very anxious. I went in to my dd's nursery today to discuss her recent behaviour and comments that seem to show something at nursery is worrying her, and it concerns the 'mummies and daddied' side of things. The nursery manager discussed it with her carers, and reported back to me that they had suggested a couple of innocent explanations (ie.little boys growing up). But last thing this evening, she whispered she didn't want to go to nursery any more, because one of her carers (who moved to another room a month ago, just as dd started to make these comments) had said to her she didn't want her to come to nursery any more, because she was 'jealous'. I asked her who had been there with this carer, was she happy when she said it, etc. and she talked about being with her and doing a game she called 'neckring' (?) which involved giving hugs. I'm feeling sick over this, as surely on the day her manager has reported my concerns, and asked staff to moniter her behaviour, what is a nurse doing saying this to her? Can anyone suggest what I can possibly do next?

[yingers74]

If you have any doubts about the nursery, move her somewhere else where you feel more confident about the staff and their policies.

[nooka]

Tibors, I'm not quite sure of the sequence of things from your post or how old your dd is, but can you talk to her actual carers? I would want to see what they were like and get a vibe for how you feel about them. Little kids can sometimes say very odd things that may not be about anything sinister, but I don't think you can leave it as things stand.

[jamiesam]

well, to put a nice spin on this - my ds is going through a phase of not wanting to go to nursery, at age 4, after going happily since he was 4mths old. Recent changes include his best friend leaving for school - maybe your dd actually misses this carer and that's why she's not enjoying nursery so much?

He's also talking about playing mummies and daddies - but his actual game is hilarious, mummy or daddy hears baby crying, calls out from bed 'what's wrong' and then complains about having to get up and deal with crying baby. What do your dd's games involve, mummies and daddies at young age can be quite different from erm what it you'd think of when they get older. Are you sure it's something to be worried about now?

Also, children mix things up a bit like a dream sometime. Maybe carer was saying to your dd that she was jealous of her staying in her room with her friends, while she (carer) had to go work somewhere else and didn't want to come to nursery herself anymore - this still on premise that your dd and carer were close.

Finally, my ds has just started making up words - I'm sick of hearing about 'pumpy', I've no idea what or who it is, but could neckring be your dd's made up name - for something that could be entirely innocent, as you say, if it just involves hugs.

However, if I have completely missed the point, then I don't know what you'd do next - would be very difficult to get any more sense out of your dd without maybe distressing her?? Nursery obviously don't consider that there's a problem.

[tibors]

Thanks, but the trouble isn't with the nursery's policies - they're very well run and have a number of rules about keeping kids visible, never having 'secrets' (even the word isn't allowed), and so on. This is why I'm so disturbed as her behaviour makes no sense. Also, I've been happy with them up until now, and she's already changed nursery (we moved from the last one because they were sloppily run and appeared more concerned with PR than anything else - not the case here at all). They're also the feeder for her infant school, and my teaching term starts next week. Great timing. I'd like to keep things OK and thought being open would help - maybe it has, as it seems to have flushed someone out. The trouble is that I now have to consider making a complaint about a member of staff, and that's obviously quite different from asking for info about little boys making dodgy comments.

[starlover]

what IS her recent behaviour? what are the innocent explanations re little boys about?

i don't think that anyone can really suggest anything without knowing the whole story.

but i do agree iwth jamiesam that children really do often put a strange spin on things

[tibors]

Thank you Jamiesam! didn't read your posting before I put in mine. I hadn't thought she might just miss her carer. Yes, their made-up language is odd (she's 3 and a half, at the "I've got no friends, nobody loves me" stage). Signing off now, thanks again to all, x.

[tibors]

Hmm, behaviour - more than the usual curiosity, but very precise 'X touched me here' with pointing, and on Monday she added, 'He whispered in my ear, I'm going to touch your special spot'. Which is NOT what I expect to hear from a 3 and a half year old, and not something either she or the child she named would say (I know his parents, he's far more into toy cars than anything to do with his body!) It was because of that phrase I went in today, and the manager took it seriously. Also since May she's been worried aobut taking baths and has wanted to wear a swimsuit - I've been anxious since this started as it is such a standard signal of something being wrong.

[nooka]

That does sound worrying. You need to keep a close eye on this, and make sure you keep in touch with the manager. Hopefully it is nothing, but I would also be concerned.

[Meko]

definitely think you should address the matter tactfully with carers. The sad reality is the paedophiles often take careers around children and may often appear as normal as the rest of us. It if does come to be nothing more sinister than a childs spin on things, perhaps the carer will take more care in the signals they are sending, if it is more sinister then you will hopefully have nipped things in the bud. On that police protecting children programme they said that unoffically they estimate that one in seven of the population has been abused - when you look at the number of children at a childs party it is even more shocking to think about.

[handlemecarefully]

Concerned by your post of 10.16. It does sound a bit 'knowing' (i.e. "special spot"), and the coyness / swimming costume thing - ummmm.

You say the manager is taking this seriously - what does she intend to do?

[philippat]

hmm, interesting that this should be the first thing you post about on mumsnet tibors.

[tibors]

Sorry, Phillipat, but I have posted before, on mundane matters, in my pre-Broadband days (changed my nickname at some point from alais)! I've notified the nursery about last night's comments (which she repeated this morning on the lines the carer concerned had called her 'jealous'; I asked if this rang any bells with anyone) and spoken to one of the parents of the kids she's mentioned, to find out if they've noticed anything (without alarming her). All I can do now is keep talking to the nursery and to dd, and hope for the best.

[starlover]

tibors if you are really concerned that a carer is behaving innapropriately then take her out of nursery!
sorry, but this is your little girl! if you have even the slightest doubts about the care she is receiving then she shouldn't be there

[colditz]

It is also quite standard for privates to be refered to as special bits, and that nothing that is covered by a swimsuit should be touched by anyone else. She may have got the swimsuit message muddled in her head, and taken it to mean she should always wear one.

[suzywong]

I agree with starlover, if you can in terms of alternative childcare, take her out of the nursery until this is cleared up.

[starlover]

if totally necessary then you should be entitled to leave from work (may be unpaid though)
i can't remember what it's called but you;re alloweda certain amount of time off if you have kids

[nooka]

I think it depends on the company - I get up to three days carers leave (I work in the NHS) for when care arrangements break down unexpectedly.