Settling-in period - how to organise?

[Verso]

My nursery don't have a standard 'settling-in' period for new arrivals and are expecting me to take a lead. DD is my first baby though, so I'm at a bit of a loss to know what to do for the best.

I have the luxury of time though, as they wouldn't let me move my start date without forfeiting the place, so I have a whole month that will be paid for before I go back to work. They say as long as I let them know in advance when I want her to go in during that month (hours/mornings/afternoons/full days etc), then that's fine.

So - I am hoping some of you experienced Mumsnetters will be able to offer some advice. I'm worried that if I drag it all out too long, DD might find it more upsetting, but if I cut it too short, ditto... does that make any sense?

Also not looking forward to leaving her AT ALL, but that's a totally different story! Keep getting quite weepy about it in fact. Ah, the joys of hormones, eh?

[beansprout]

Ah, I'm facing this too in a couple of weeks. Big good-luck-with-it-all-hug. The nursery we were going to use (but have now changed from, but that's another story) have a settling in week. You go in each morning until it feels ok to leave and pick them up at lunchtime so they just do half a day. The idea is that you leave more quickly as the week progresses. You are also on standby so if you are really needed they can call you but I always assumed that as experienced child carers, it wouldn't come to that.

[Verso]

Grumpy, she's five months now and will be over six months when I'm back at work.

Thanks for the hug, beansprout. Much appreciated. How come it seems to be only my nursery that doesn't arrange anything?!

[compo]

Why don't they have a settling in period already thought up and why won't they let you change the start date? They don't sound very good I'm afraid

[Verso]

Thanks for that, Compo.

Nursery waiting lists round here are a bugger, so I don't have time now to change. We will be looking into it though. In the meantime, I just wanted some advice and support. I feel rubbish enough about putting her into nursery without your comment about how bad you think my nursery choice is.

Thanks so much.

[Verso]

Thanks, Grumpy. (am crying here, btw) I just needed some kind words as I'm dreading the whole thing and feel really let down by the nursery. DH doesn't have a clue either and I just wanted some support.

Sorry. This is hard. I will have a think about doing what beansprout suggested. Much appreciated.

[beansprout]

Verso - I was feeling v stressed yesterday and there were some v positive comments about nurseries on a thread I started here

Hope this helps

[compo]

I'm really sorry, I never meant to upset you. I wasn't sure how old your child was and didn't realise this was the 1st time they were going to nursery. When ds went to nursery at this age i felt just the same, worried about everything. But the nursery staff were fanatstci so I'm sure everythign will work out fine. I think we had 2 mornings of settling in which I didn't stay for, and then it was full days after that. Sorry again

[beansprout]

Verso - it will be ok. Absolutely everyone I have spoken to says it gets better. I think this is the hardest stage as we just dread it. I don't know about you but I am always better once I am getting on with something. Having doubts about the nursery does make it worse though. Are they offering any sort of support or suggestions?

[scotlou]

My kids nursery settle over 2 weeks - dd goes 2 days so that was a total of 4 sessions if you see what I mean.
Day 1 - 1 - 2 hours morning
Day 2 - 1 -2 hours p.m
Day 3 - whole morning
Day 4 - whole afternoon
Also, I don't think I paid for settling in.
She started at 5 months and is now 3 years and loves it! Surprised they don't have a settling in policy though.
She'll be fine - go for a coffee or do your shopping. That's what I did.

[elsmommy]

My dd is 2 tomorrow so shes much older, but she started nursery on monday.
OMG walking away from her on monday morning was the hardest thing I have ever done! And I was sooo tired after been sick all night.
But she seems fine. I wish I'd have sent her before I'd started work. A full day seems like forever and I hated them.
But today she went for just 4 hours and seemed much happier when I turned up (monday and tuesday she was really quiet).

[popmum]

For what it is worth, I cried when I left my 5-6 month old the 1st time at nursery. it is soo hard to do for some poeple and hard to 'allow' someone else to love your child, but it does get easier and if you have a good relationship with the staff you will find it easier because you will trust them.
The settling in at mine just built up sessions over 3 weeks or so so the last couple were full days (or would match whatever you are doing). 1st ones you could stay in the building or just nip off to a shop or something (just make it an hour or 2)
Take the chance to chat to the staff about routine (nurseries and your childs), food, what they would do if your child was ill (they nearly all get ill 1st of all, no one told me that!) and talk about yourself too. Ask how long staff have been there, what they like doing out of work etc - build up a relationship like you would at home.

Can you ask your nursery what other people have done re settling in and see if anyone else is starting at the same time?

Hope this helps! Good luck. BTW - you are allowed to enjoy this time as well!!! don;t just be sad!!!

[Verso]

Ok, apology accepted, Compo. I'm really sorry I am so sensitive about this, but it makes me all wibbly

I'm just finding this SO hard. Every time I think about leaving her with someone else for so long, I get really sad. I thought it would be fine, but it's really awful! Just the thought of not seeing her, all day, every day (my work won't let me do four days a week beyond Christmas, which is another story)...

Blah blah. I will potter off and read the positive nursery thread, and pull myself together a bit I think. Might even be bold and have a cup of Tetley. [wan smile emoticon]

[compo]

Honestly once she's started you will wonder what you were worrying about. The nursery staff will give you a progress report at the end of each day to fill you in on what she's been eating, how much she slept, what she did etc. My ds does things at nursery that I've never even heard of let alone have tried at home!!

[beansprout]

I really do know how you feel Verso. I am only really managing by being in a fair amount of denial. I find myself hugging and holding him (even) more lately. It will be ok though and they will be ok. Still upsets me beyond anything though.

[LeahE]

We're in the middle of settling in (DS is 8 months).

What we did was to go in the first day for an hour, 11-12 where I stayed with him. Then the second day he did 11-12.30 on his own (long enough for lunch but didn't need a nap). The third and fourth days he did 11-3 (lunch and a nap) and now we're on 11-4.30 (lunch, nap, dinner). We did go back to 11-3 on Monday just because he'd had the weekend off so wanted to get him back in gradually.

I'm not sure how much longer we'll stick to the 11-4.30 (I'm not back at work until the start of October) but I guess I need to bit the bullet and let him go earlier in the day before too long.

This is our nursery's suggested settling-in pattern although they do adjust it depending on how long you've got and how your child seems to be coping.

DS loves it once he's there but does cry when I drop him off . I hang around outside the door so I know that within 2 minutes (literally) he's happily playing with something, but it's still not easy.

[otto]

My ds started nursery a year ago, when he was six months. I felt the same way as you about it. Our nursery had a similar child/parent led settling-in policy to the one that you are using. I think ds went for three-mornings before I left him full time. The first morning I stayed for about half an hour and as he seemed quite happy I left. Each day I stayed for a shorter period of time. I have to admit that when I got to work on my first day back I burst into tears, but ds was fine about it all and seemed to settle in really quickly.

He became very settled and happy and formed a close bond with two of the nursery staff. We moved house earlier in the summer and I've had to move ds to a childminder. Leaving the nursery was one of the hardest things I've done - in fact it was harder than going back to work initially. I cried, ds cried, the nursery staff cried. But he's now settled with childminder and seems very happy with her. Maybe he's just easy to please.

It's not going to be easy, but you will get used to it. Best of luck.

[mumtoone]

My ds started nursery at 6 months and settled in without any fuss. The first time I took him to the nursery for an hour or so to explain what he ate, his routine etc. The second time I left him for 2 hours and the third time I did the same. I then went back to work full time so he was in nursery full time. It worked out fine. At 6 months old you will find that you feel the seperation far more than they do. My ds is nearly 2 years old now. He seems confident and outgoing so I don't think nursery has done him any harm.

[dinny]

Sorry to agree with Compo, but it is strange your nursery doesn't have a settling period, Verso. Are you happy with everything else about it so far?

DS's (ex) nursery did three days settling (he was 11 months). One hour with me there, one hour without me there and two hours without me there. Don't really feel that's enough though. Maybe start off with hour long sessions and increase up to mornings, then full days?

[ionaming]

Verso, on the positive side, I'm sure your dd will LOVE nursery. Mine did. She started one at about 8 months old & is now 4 years & part-time at school. She currently is doing just 3 afternoons at nursery & is will be leaving in mid-November. I get very upset thinking about her leaving, can't believe she's only got another 7 weeks to go . She's got so much out of it....it's put her streets ahead of other kids in terms of socialising, speech, writing her name/letters, counting etc etc. She also must know just about every under-fives song out there! She has such a great time there.....I know I'm gonna cry my eyes out the day she leaves. I get upset just thinking about it...... Oh, now I'm making this post all miserable when I meant to cheer you up ... Sorry!

Anyway, your dd will be absolutely fine, and you will be too, knowing that she is happy there. BTW, dd had 3 settling in sessions in the 10 days or so leading up to when she started.

[woosmummy]

Baby woo doesn't care that I've left him at nursery - in fact he seems to resent being at home at the weekend without all the pictures and toys all over the place!! came home so tired after learning to crawl last week he was asleep in highchair during tea at 5pm and slept till 2am before he realised he had been put to bed without his bottle!!

Only got his nursery place confirmed 2wks before I went back to work so he did 3 settling in half days the week before (monday, tuesday and friday)...

[nzshar]

Hey there Verso

I had worked in nurseries for 13 years before i became a SAHM. Most nurseries i have worked in have a 1/2 week settling in period depending on age.

Because your DD is still fairly young it will probably only need 1 week. Usually went something like this....

First day in at 10am stay with DD till lunch

Second day in at 10 leave DD for a half hour only then stay with her for lunch

Third day in at 10 collect after lunch

Fourth day in at 9 stay till 3pm

Last day in at breakfast stay till 4pm

Following weeks start full time

Obviously this is for a child going full time and if things arent going so well during the first week then it is extended. Also in most nurseries i have worked at the first week of settling there is no charge for.

I have seen how hard it is ...especially first time mums.....and now i can really sympathise being a mum myself. But as others have said ....it will probably be harder for you than her and it will get easier

HTH

[dexter]

What I want to say is - do you really HAVE to work? Do you really HAVE to work full time or as good as? I have done two days a week and to be honest we have not coped financially and are struggling. But, whether it was Nursery or family care, I would not have had him looked after for longer than two days a week. I will never, never regret the financial mess we are in because it has bought my son three precious years of pretty much one to one care from his mum. I firmly believe that while children cope at Nursery (they have to really, don't they?) the extra self-esteem, security and general development they gain from having a parent willing to be with them, is inestimable. All the benefits of socialisation that Nursery brings can be gained at three years old at pre-school, there's no hurry.

We'll probably have to sell our house and rent for a while, but we'll get another mortgage when I am able to work properly again. It's a sacrifice for us but my son doesn't get up in the morning and think - oh the shame, my parents aren't homeowners - he thinks, hurray - a playday with mum.
Would be nice if the government helped more though, then it wouldn't have had to be a choice between keeping our house or caring for my own child.