Hi everyone! Look at the conversation you all have been having already! I’m posting a wee bit early so I can answer all these advance questions and then we can truly have a good live chat. If you get bored, surf on over to my site, www.melissahill.co.uk. There is a picture of me there so you can put a face to my name.
Kia,
Interestingly, the only colleagues I am still in contact with are parents, and mostly mothers. Former colleagues who are not parents seem to have disappeared into the mist. However, a couple tracked me down recently now that they’re getting married! I don’t mind really, because I have many more friends now than I did when I was working full-time, across a broader range of ages and interests.
In terms of staying out of the workplace, The Smart Woman’s Guide has really sent me back to work, but in a nice, flexible way. I still consider myself an at-home mum, though I suppose by most people’s standards I am now working part-time.
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Winnie,
This is a very good question. The single mothers I have met all tell me that working is best for them. They know they are doing the best they can for their kids and best of all, working creates a more stable environment for their children. This is particularly important if the family has endured a difficult divorce or left a violent partner. Being home with children is emotionally taxing and staying at home without a partner would be very difficult. Most single mothers I have met, working or at home, have some other adult support, such as a grandparent, aunt or neighbour. Raising a child clearly requires more than one adult to be involved!
I am aware that financial dependence on a man is undesirable for women and children in an abusive home, and for this reason half of my personal income from sales of The Smart Woman’s Guide is pledged to The Women’s Aid Federation of England, a charity seeking to help those escaping domestic abuse. For the people that my writing cannot help (and no one book can serve every person), my royalties can.
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Hello Lil!
You are so right. I wept every day for three months after handing in my notice. My career was everything to me. Gradually, over several months I began to find ways to enjoy the choice I had made. After I found that life could be good, even without a fully paid-up job title, I worried for other mothers at home who were not making the most of this time. I wrote the Smart Woman’s Guide for women who for whatever reason want to be at home with their children but are worried that their own identity and talents would get lost by leaving work behind.
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Bells,
You have a number of questions here. I will try to pick them out, because you raise a lot of very good points.
First, the book is not really about me. That would be dull. In writing The Smart Woman’s Guide I interviewed numerous women who left work for home, asking them how they coped – emotionally and financially, why they did it and would they do it again. They come from every income level. However, all of them found on the financial side that the cost of sending Mum to work was almost equal to the pay cheque they brought home. Childcare, coffees and snacks, special work clothes, retail therapy all ate away at their second income. Most women on below-average income who do go out to work can only do so because they have access to free childcare, usually a relative or a partner who can do shift-work. This is a fact. For those women who literally cannot afford to go to work full time, why should they be sniffed at? Why can’t they enjoy their time at home until the children are school-age?
Second, women, and men for that matter, can do anything they like. I believe most people are perfectly capable of making good decisions about their lives and their families given good information. Unfortunately, there isn’t any good and practical information out there for couples wishing to have one parent at home. Criticism is not information. Simply making mothers feel bad about the choice they have made – working or not - is not progressive. It’s coercive. Emotional blackmail. What one mother chooses for her family is not for anyone outside that family to judge. If a mother wants to work, let her work. If she wants to be at home, let her be at home. Be happy for her. Help her, whatever choice she and her partner make for their family.
Final point, about working towards balance in society. There are many very good books aimed at changing work policy. One that I find to be very profound is Working Fathers (by Levine and Pittinsky, Addison Wesley). Bowling Alone (by Robert Putnam, Simon & Schuster) is another insightful and influential book covering this topic. Writing is not the only way to change society, though. I personally am very involved in my community, supporting mothers and disadvantaged young women in a variety of ways. I am a mother at home, but I take my role in society, both as a mother and as a citizen, very seriously. We all have a duty to make society better – society is not them. It is us.
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Hi JBR. Well done for speaking up for the guys!
The Smart Woman’s Guide is for women who want to leave work for home. There are books specifically for men who want to be at home, and a wonderful on-line support group for at-home dads in the UK, www.Ukhomedads.co.uk, if that is a choice your family is looking at.
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Lisa,
I do think working mothers (the ones with paid jobs, I mean) have more work to do. Unless you can afford a cleaner and a cook, the housework and children don’t go away just because you spend the bulk of your day earning a living. For this reason I get very annoyed when I hear people say that working mums are selfish (or disorganised or neglectful or some other outrageous slur). We all make different choices for different reasons. No one decision is generally better or more moral than another. You are quite right, though. I don’t know too many mothers who spend their day dusting their tiaras.
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Hi SML! (sorry this is a long response, but your post covered a lot of ground)
As I’ve commented before, it is easy to simply assume you need two salaries to survive when what a family should do is compare the wage earned to how much it costs to send the second parent to work. This is not true of all families, but you need to do the math to find out if it is true for yours. I would never advocate a family do something that is not practical.
Also your issue of money raises a point I have heard from many mothers who have left work: you can only leave work once you accept that you will have to make material sacrifices. If money is important to your family – psychologically or practically - then you work. Once you accept that your family will have less, then you can get your mind around what it means to be at home. What parents gain is time with the children and, often, less stress. For many mothers giving up material possessions and treats to spend time with their children is a price worth paying. And they would do it again. You mention holidays for example. Our summer holiday will be spent at home. We will do day trips to interesting places, but nothing taxing. We have everything we need at home. No hassles, no cost, comfy beds and lots of toys. We’d rather stay home and have a barbeque, invite friends over and share a couple bottles of wine. We have simple tastes, so we live a simple life.
Another point, implicit in your question, is once a woman leaves work, she leaves forever. This is not true. The majority of mothers leaving work eventually return. Some after a year, some after a decade. Some work part time. Some seasonally. It is up to families to decide for themselves what suits them financially, practically and emotionally. So, as to your question when can mothers ‘safely’ go back to work – anytime they and their families are ready. It isn’t up to me, or anyone else, to judge. Wouldn’t you agree?
Finally, role modelling. Mothers can still be great role models at home. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m quite active in my community. I teach pensioners how to use computers and the internet. I write and read voraciously. I’ve taught myself to play the guitar. If my children want to go to a museum, the zoo, the seaside or just ride on the train we open the door and go. I think my children are learning that intelligence and an adventurous spirit can be put to many good uses, not only earning a wage. They also see me living out my values, such as politeness and respect, keeping promises, listening, thrift and seizing opportunities to do interesting things. They see these things because I am there all the time, and believe me, I know they are watching me.
Saying that, I don’t think we should be complaisant about letting children know that all people, regardless of race or gender, should have equal opportunities. My own mother was sacked from her job as a science teacher because she was pregnant with me. Only one generation ago, a pregnant woman was seen to be a bad influence on young people. Today a teacher has to take her clothes off on national television for the head to think maybe she should take a little look at the employment contract. We should not abuse the rights previous generations of women have seized for us, and we should not take them for granted. However, one of the rights achieved is the right to choice, and this is the most precious.
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Hi JJ!
I began seriously researching The Smart Woman’s Guide when my first was nearly a year old and pregnant with my second. I was inspired to write in support of women choosing to be at home because I was lucky to meet a community of mothers at home with children at all different ages and stages. They provided so much advice and helped me see that being at home could be an extremely positive and fun time, not just for me but for my whole family – husband included.
Now having an income from writing, my perspective on parents choosing to be at home has not changed one bit. My perspective on how I spend my time has changed a lot, though. My time is much more precious now, and whatever takes my attention away from my girls has got to be very interesting and worthwhile. I do have help now to enable me to meet my deadlines, but I don’t earn much for the work I do, and I give at least half to charity. I do this because I don’t want to be driven by whether a topic is commercial or not. I want to write the truth.
If you assume that my working life now, such as it is, is better than staying at home, a do get attacked a lot for speaking up for life at home, and always by people who have not read my book, obviously. I try to not take it personally because these are important, honest questions. They should be asked and by writing my book I certainly volunteered to answer them! But it would be much easier for me to keep quiet, enjoy my life and my family in peace.
But these issues show that The Guide is necessary. Some one has to speak up about what it is really like to be at home. Thousands of mothers leave work every year. Some are made redundant. Some are ill themselves and some have ill children, partners or elderly parents. People leave work for many reasons. It doesn’t mean that it is easy. I know working mothers don’t like all the myths and stereotypes they face. Neither do at-home mums. The fact is there have been numerous books written for working mothers (the key words ‘working mothers’ alone generates 60 books on Amazon). The Smart Woman’s Guide to Staying at Home is the first and only book written for British mothers who are trying to decide whether they should work or be at home.
As for what my children think, well, they are young for starters and I work from home most of the time. But I don’t think my oldest thinks mummies only stay at home. This evening she told me she had to put tights on Barbie because she was going to work now.
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Great question Croppy.
I was offered the possibility of working part-time, but the position I was in was very competitive. I was part of an award winning team and I felt working only part time would not allow me to hold my end up. Even when I was on maternity leave I would receive rather nasty emails from people complaining that I was inaccessible. Little did they know that I was actually very ill and had to spend a great deal of time in the hospital, but their insensitivity was hurtful. I knew there would be pressure on me to produce more than part-time work.
Changing fields, obviously would have been an alternative solution, and I have met many mothers who did just this with considerable success. I discuss the changes these mothers made in my book. For me, at the time, I was lost. Leaving work for me was awful. It was not a rational time at all. It was very emotional, I was quite ill and feeling pretty isolated. What I had experienced during my maternity leave was that home was the safest place for me to be at the time, but I was not thrilled with the choices before me.
Now that I am writing, obviously I have changed fields, but I keep an eagle eye on the demands placed on my time. I would rather be home with my kids than almost anywhere else – except mentoring young women leaving foster care. I find that incredibly rewarding and it is probably the only time I don’t wish I was with my children.
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This is an interesting question, Catseyes.
My first thought was that I don’t assume all women are better off doing one thing over another. However, I do propose that if a mother finds that balancing family and work is making her very unhappy then I would suggest that she consider taking a sabbatical to spend time with just her family. She could just take six months or a year and see how it goes. We have unprecedented levels of employment in the UK now. This is the best point in the economic cycle to take an extended break from work. Some employers are happy to offer unpaid time off. For others, if you explain you want to focus only on your family for a time, they may be willing to help you find another placement in a year’s time if they can’t offer you a job themselves.
The real point is it is easy to dismiss a lifestyle from afar, but it is better to know if a choice suits your family or not when you have actually tried it out. The Smart Woman’s Guide is meant to help women who want to try being at home work through their fears, find resources and encourage them to make the most of being at home. Being at home can be nice, but it’s no movie. You have to make good things happen. It’s the same as work or school. Opportunities don’t just drop in your lap. You need the motivation to go find fun, interesting and worthwhile things to do with your day.
This is important because the most compelling piece of evidence I discovered supporting that women should do what makes them happy (and not just what is supposedly best for the children) is that happy parents make happy kids – not the other way round! A study at Wharton School of Business found that parents (mothers and fathers both) who are content and comfortable with the adult spheres of their life (work, relationships, social life, etc) have children exhibiting fewer behavioural problems, ranging from tantrums to criminal activity. Find the balance between work and family that suits you and your partner – forget what society says you should do – and your family will very simply benefit. Sacrificing yourself for your kids will not work.
For mothers who cannot stop working completely, The Guide works through various flexible work schemes and their pros and cons. The main problem with flexible work, though, is that many employers are sceptical, for whatever reason. The Guide offers suggestions on negotiating with employers if you want to try flexible work for yourself. In the end, take comfort that you are doing the best you can for your family. You don’t need to be ecstatically happy with your life, merely comfortable and confident. I think we can all do that, can’t we?
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Moneypenny,
I’m glad you are looking forward to your time at home. You are starting on better footing than I did. I didn’t actually adjust well at all. I wrote The Smart Woman’s Guide to make sure other women didn’t make the disastrous mistakes I did, like watching too much Jerry Springer and generally feeling sorry for the fat, lonely, unfocused person I thought I had become. I was lucky to meet some very energetic veteran mums at home who nursed my self-esteem and showed me that my talents were still there, waiting to be used.
I actually dedicate my book to two of these mums, Cindy and Shannon. Cindy is just an amazing, upbeat and creative woman who has endured a lot of suffering and loss in her life. Shannon gave me a kick in the pants, though, when one of her paintings won a prestigious competition. I thought to myself, why am I sitting on my duff and Shannon is out there showing off her abilities. I can do that too! And I started getting out of myself that very day, stopped watching rubbish, reading rubbish, eating rubbish and got a life. The Smart Woman’s Guide would not have ever been written without their example.
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Thanks for elaborating SML.
I want to draw your attention to your worry about 20 years of doing without. You do not have to leave work for 20 years. You, of course, don’t have to ever stop working! Take one year off, or let your husband take a year off if he wants to. No one said that leaving work was a life sentence.
Leaving work is also something that is not decided in a vacuum. I don’t believe anyone here tonight married their husbands because they were quiet, docile money-spinners who didn’t have to be consulted on anything. I hope we all like the guy we married and value their opinions on things.
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Tigermoth,
As I’ve said to SML and Bells above (and so you don’t feel I’m ignoring your point):
- Most mothers do not leave the workplace for the rest of their lives.
- Families should make financial decisions appropriate to their circumstances. My book does not dispute that fact.
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Hi Weebee! (another long response … sorry)
Congratulations on your new baby! That is fantastic news. However, I’ve got some bad news for you. The problem is not simply sibling rivalry; it is the fact that you have a two year old! And all the evidence suggests that toddlers get more unreasonable before they get better (around age four, maybe, if you’re lucky).
The good thing with two year-olds is they are starting to understand (vaguely) that their actions bring consequences. When my older daughter has completely lost the plot (like the old scream-at-bedtime-until-the-baby-is-screaming-too trick) I find consistent, unemotional time-outs work a treat. Totally unacceptable behaviour (kicking or pushing the baby, for instance) is an instant 2-minute time out in the corner. If I feel she needs an explanation as to why she got in trouble I will ask her gently at the end of the two minutes why she had to stand in the corner. Believe me, 9 times out of 10 she knows why already. Mildly undesirable behaviour (like just a good old fashioned tantrum) might get a warning; on the third warning (within a short time period mind, not over the whole day!) she gets her two minutes. This system is from the book 1-2-3 Magic (by Thomas Philan, Child Management) and I tell you it works. My at-home Mum network clued me into this book a year ago. No yelling, no smacking, no explaining, no bribery.
Also, don’t require your first baby to grow up too fast. I let my older child ‘play’ baby when she wants, scooping her up and making baby goo goo noises, telling her she’s a good baby, letting her sit in the highchair for her meal, etc. The game always gets boring eventually, and then she wants to be a big girl again. Two years of age is still very young, so don’t pressure them to be little adults before their time.
One other trick a very good friend in her late 60s (mother of four and grandmother of six) told me about jealousy during breast-feeding was to make it special story time for the older child. Feed the baby with one hand and use the other to read a great book (or just tell a classic story, like the three little pigs, that you know off by heart) especially well – pull out all your theatrical skills so that the older child will look forward to when the baby is being fed too.
In terms of keeping your self-respect and the respect of your husband, I hope that he didn’t marry you only for your earning power. You took the vow to stay together for richer or poorer, which means he loves you, not your money. Ask your husband what he loves best about you, and what makes him proud to be married to you. You may be surprised. Maybe he loves you because you are so intelligent and insightful. In that case, do intelligent and insightful things – listen to interesting and challenging radio programmes and then tell him what you thought of the debate. Join or form a book club with other at-home mums and exercise your skills of literary criticism.
Maybe he loves your spontaneity and courage. In that case spring surprises on him, tell him on Saturday morning that you’d like an adventure, then pile the kids in the car and just go somewhere new. Take on a challenge you could never have done working full-time, such as training to run in a marathon or to go on a cycling holiday in six or nine months’ time (get child seats for your bikes, book B&Bs and go). Use your special knowledge to teach others, like how to research and invest in companies, use a computer, or write a good CV. There are even programmes to mentor new young mothers in baby care and nutrition. Now a mother of two you probably have a wealth of advice to offer. Being active in your community also widens your social sphere and broadens your experience of how people live. There is nothing boring about that!
If you want to try working part-time, then try it out. You can always change your mind, begin working full-time, or stop working again altogether. It is not the end of the world, and I’m sure your husband (who thinks you are just splendid anyway) only wants you to be happy so he can stop worrying about you so much! Once we solve our own problems it takes a lot of pressure of our husbands to solve them for us!
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Hi Cath,
Entertain at home – I love it! Amazingly, even in my darkest, most depressed days I did not regret leaving work. All the mothers I surveyed for the book who left work feel that at least trying life at home was worth the risk, even the ones who are now on income support or are desperately worried about losing their identity.
Regarding my social life, I have to say my social life is better: more intelligent, less pretentious, more honest, and much more fun – but maybe that says more about who I used to work with! Just today I had a feisty discussion about faith, and we all walked away still very good friends. This evening I had another long conversation about sociological constructs of gender identity (particularly concerning the role of husbands in popular culture). And now I get a special invitation to debate with all these smart, informed women here on Mumsnet. Brilliant!
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