Live online chat with Jan Parker, Tuesday May 14th 9-10.15pm

[Carriel]

This coming Tuesday, May 14th at 9.00pm Mumsnet is hosting a live chat with Jan Parker. As well as being mumsnet's resident parenting expert Jan, together with her co-author Jan Stimpson, has also written the much acclaimed "Raising Happy Children". Praise for their latest book includes:
"Raising siblings isn?t easy, and being a sibling isn?t easy. For many of us it?s one of the most difficult roles we play. It must be wonderful to grow up with another person and be the best of friends. All parents who want to create an environment where their children can do this should read this book." ? Dr Dorothy Rowe, psychologist and writer

"At last, a book for parents with more than one child! Sibling Rivalry, Sibling Love is warm, thought-provoking and packed with helpful ideas. I thoroughly recommend it." - Belinda Phipps, chief executive of the National Childbirth Trust

You can post questions in advance for Jan below, or log on to this discussion to talk to her live on Tuesday night. The first 10 members to ask a question live on Tuesday will win a copy of Jan's latest book Sibling Rivalry, Sibling Love.

[BeckyP]

I have a nine-month old boy, Howard, and have just found out I'm pregant. I wonder if you feel that finding out the sex of my new baby will help the transition for Howard from only child to eldest child?

Thank you

[Liza]

I have 2 boys, ages 4 and 5 and I want to give the 5 year old a big bike for his birthday. But my husband says the younger boy should also have a big bike. I don't think this is fair, especially as both boys are always treated the same and we have a certian amount of trouble with jealousy from the 5 year old.

What is your opinion?

[clairer1]

Do you have any special advice regarding twins - I have identical boys (4.5yrs)? They are at nursery and I'm wondering about whether they should go into seperate classes for reception - everyone seems to advise seperation as much as possible but though they are close and get on well, you couldn't say that one is dominant.
Also how do you cope with one being better at most things than the other? I want to treat them as individuals but it's so much more complicated than that - one's success is almost by definition the other's failure. The one who's generally a bit less accomplished finds it very hard (and so do I). Thanks.

[peterpan5]

how can i stop my 2 and 3 year old fighting, it was never this bad with the others?

[EK2]

How do you deal with disclipline when one is much older than the other. We have a nearly four year old and a nearly 9 month old baby who most of the time love each other to bits. But inevitably the baby lashes out - scratching or hair pulling or trashing a game - usually unintentionally or out of curiosity, but it doesn't always look like that. I make a show of telling him off but again inevitably it makes no difference. I've tried explaining to the eldest that he's just a baby but that doesn't wash when she knows she'd be on the naughty step in a flash if she did what he'd just done. It sounds a bit trivial but it's spoiling an otherwise lovely relationship and I can see that it seems unfair from her point of view. Any suggestions welcome.

[Mickie]

Do you think there's anything in the "difficult middle child" cliche? I'm one of two and was brought up surrounded by people talking about middle children as if they were just bound to turn out a bit weird and I must admit wee did have family friends who had tricky middle children. We have two children and are contemplating a third and I just wondered if there's evidence that the middle child usually loses out/has extra problems. And if so do you have any ideas on how to help our lovely youngest make the transition to middle-one?

[Scarlettsmum]

I don't know if you can help me as strictly speaking I presume any questions here should be about children. My problem is with my sister. I am 36 and she is 34 and looking back I feel there has been tension between the two of us all our lives. I have one daughter and my relationship with my own sister causes me so much stress that it is putting me off having any more children as I don't want to put my dd through the same. The problem seems to be that we are unable to be honest and open with one another. It sounds stupid but my stomach goes over every time we speak because I am waiting for her to have a go at me about something I have/haven't done. When our mum died she seemed to take her grief out on me and I was subjected to a torrent of abuse which hurt so much we didn't speak for four months.. I had to make the first move (as I always do) for us to speak again .. Unlike myself who has lots of long terms friends, my sister has been unable to keep friends for very long before they wind her up or do something to upset her. Deep down she is very loyal and loving but seems to have so much hidden anger...My dad left us when we were young and we lost our sister with leukemia. When my mum died aged 58 it left just the two of us. You would think that would make us closer but instead of being there for each other, the wedge between us seems to get wider. Our relationship upsets and hurts me so much and I am sure she feels the same (although she would never say).. We both just pretend everything is fine when we know it isn't.. Everyone I talk to says she is jealous of me but she has absolutely no reason to be as we are both have very similar lifestyles. Sorry to go on but I wondered if you had any advice. I cannot be at peace with her in my life but it would break my heart to have to break ties with her...Should I resign myself to the fact that this is just how my relationship with her will be...?

[KLT]

Have you any advice on what life may be like where there is a large age gap between children - we have an 8 year old daughter and would like another child. I am particularly concerned that the older child may feel unwanted - we have had a wonderful time together and I have spent a lot of time doing things with her with no other distractions and also travelling widely, but all this will inevitably have to be somewhat curtailed by a new arrival.

[lettice]

I have 3 children 7,6,4, and the eldest is always needy. And reacted badly tthe news of of the baby due in Oct. She went Quiet and Withdrawn tight. the other 2 didn't. I sure she feels that there will be less to go round and that she inparticular will get less.
How to manage it for her.
Now I still can't satissfy her feelings of jealousy. It is also as though she dictates what she does, she is the adult not me.

[WildCat]

My daughter is eight months old and still breast feeding. We are tyring for a second child. Should I stop breast feeding now? How do I prevent my daughter from being jealous when I'm breast feeding my second child?

[Tinkerbell]

I am three months pregnant and my son has just turned 1. When do children start to understand the concept of 'babies in mummy's tummies' and is it worth talking about it with my son from now on so that he understands as I get bigger?

[NF]

I have a son, 5, with good hearing, who is quite a serious, quiet chap. I also have another son, 3, who is deaf, very affectionate and sociable, even though he has language delays.
A frequent problem for us starts when the younger boy will interrupt the older one (by shoving or jumping on his knee) whilst he is watching TV or reading - I think it is usually through affection or wanting a fun game of rough-and-tumble. The older boy will (understandably) whinge and push him off. Before we know it, the situation turns aggressive and someone ends up hurt. I am torn between scolding the younger one for being so boisterous or trying to explain, yet again, to the older one that his brother didnt mean any harm.
Friends ask me if they fight and I really don't think that they do - just that the playful interaction between them always seems to end in trouble!
Any advice on how to keep things at a play level instead of spiralling into injury or bad feeling?

[glory]

Help. I have 3 kids. The middle boy who is 5 and the youngest boy who is 2 fight like tigers. J has always been very jealous of the little one and flies into a rage with him for no apparent reason, other than he has walked into their shared bedroom or is trying to sit next to him. J will not sit next to him at the dinner/breakfast table and will be incandescent with rage sometimes. He is ordinarily quite sweet. Both are very focussed (stubborn!) and O is as likely to thump back or bite or scratch. What can I do to get them beyond this!

[sianH]

I am due my second child today! I have a recently turned 4 year old girl already who is can be quite insecure and is very sensitive. She is used to being the only pebble on the beach for all this time!

Any advise on how to handle the coming months would be great.

[Billetjo]

I have 2 boys 3yrs and 5yrs. The 3yr old permanently disrupts every second they spend together. It always ends in a fight. He destroys his brothers games, toys, playtime with friends, learning time with mummy. I try to keep him occupied colouring or stories etc., but he won't do that unless the older one joins in and it leads to another fight. He plays extra rough as he's trying to be big. The older one was always so calm and never the cyclone that the little one is. How can I help them get on better and make the little one realise that it's ok to be small he'll be 4 in December so surely he should calm down soon?

[Jolie]

I have a 5 year old daughter and am 8 weeks pregnant. My problem is this: I was pregnant last year and my daughter was "involved" from the start. However I went on to lose that baby. Now I'm worried about when to tell her this time in case it all goes wrong again. I can't tell other family members and not her because she's really astute and I'm sure she'll soon catch on. Also she's used to seeing me naked so will soon notice my changing shape. How do I prepare her? She's bound to ask if this baby will die too.

I appreciate your views, Jolie

[ScummyMummy]

Hi Jan,

Thanks for your ?Raising Happy Children? Book- it?s absolutely fantastic. I?m looking forward to reading the next one.

I?ve a few questions (please only answer all of them if you have enough time!)-

1. An echo of Clairer1?s question below really. My twin boys are just 3 and have a part-time place at nursery. A speech therapist visits the nursery once a week and does group speech work. The kids are placed into groups based on ?speech ability? and of course they?ve put my little sweeties in separate groups, ?and I?m sad because I didn?t think this kind of streaming would rear its head so early in their lives and I honestly don?t think there?s much difference in their speech- they are both lively chatterboxes when the mood takes them- though there?s a big difference in their personalities and levels of shyness. The boys don?t seem to mind at all at the moment and I don?t want to make a big issue of it by talking to the nursery staff- who are great- because I don?t think it?s very important- as far as I?m concerned they?re at nursery to play and learn to rub along with other kids and luckily these groups form only a very small part of their nursery experience.
   However, I?m worried that this sort of ?grouping by ability? will be a bigger problem when they start they start school proper and, almost inevitably, show different areas of skill- well, they do already and that?s fantastic, of course ? How do I handle this in years to come when the boys will be aware of such streaming, which seems endemic in the state system at the moment?
   
   
2. Do you have any opinions on Gina Ford?
   
   
3. Not really parenting related, but wondered if you knew of any basic/beginner counselling courses you would recommend for enhancing work with children and families? I work in this area but have no formal training as a counsellor and would like to develop my skills. Had a quick search on the internet and felt completely baffled at the many and various sorts of ?counselling schools? that appear to exist. Some looked distinctly bizarre?
   
   Thanks and many regards,
   
   ScummyMummy

[JanParker]

Hello to all Mumsnet members. I think what you?ve achieved is admirable and so important. A supportive network of shared ideas is helpful to every parent of every child, no matter what their circumstances and family relationships. Long may Mumsnet flourish!

Before we begin, perhaps I could also say a quick word about our latest book ? Sibling Rivalry, Sibling Love ? so you have a better idea of where we?re coming from. Like our first book, Raising Happy Children, it is not a book of instruction. It?s not about telling parents what they must do and what they shouldn?t.

It is about sharing information, insight and experiences of what really seems to affect the relationship between brothers and sisters, why this matters and what really seems to help. Its contributors range from parents and children themselves to world class academics and top professionals working with families (we don?t believe any one person or any one discipline has a monopoly on wisdom!). Its tone (I hope!) is warm, real and constructive.

So, enough from me. Over to you!

[JanParker]

Hi BeckyP,

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I?m not sure finding out the sex of the baby will help Howard. He?s so little, the gender of his new sibling will be neither here nor there for a long time yet. But there is much that will help.

All firstborns need reassurance that their mother?s love for them is not eclipsed by their love for the newborn. And all children, especially one as young as your son, need to be shown this love, very clearly. The simplest and most effective way is to spend relaxed time with him, one-to-one, before and after the birth.

These issues are dealt with in detail in the book, but it?s not too soon to start thinking about extra support you could arrange for after the baby?s born. Do you have a friend or relative who could help on a regular basis? The sooner Howard feels relaxed and comfortable in their presence, the easier he?ll be able to handle them being in your home. Use this extra support to spend time with Howard, rather than focus all attention on the baby.

Even if extra help isn?t to hand, it helps to be alert to these issues and sensitive to our older children?s feelings and needs. That way, it feels a little easier to put the baby down occasionally and give the older child some time, attention and affection. This is so important. Much more so, I believe, than gender issues at this young age. What do other Mumsnet members think about this?

[Stukey]

Dear Jan

I have a real problem and should be so pleased if you can help me with it.

I have two boys aged 4 and 5, with just one year between them. There has always been a certain amount of rivalry between them and we think we now know why! The younger boy goes to Nursery and the older is in Reception. Unfortunately, they both started at the same time, and therefgore they both had the uniform and the excitement of starting school. This somewhat put the older child's nose out of joint. We now find that the younger one is very much better at reading, writing,drawing, etc and this is making the older completely turn off doing these things.

How can we continue to encourage the younger boy to read, etc (and he loves doing it) whilst at the same time trying to help my older son. He is also left handed and not so well coordinated so he does have more problems with writing. But he never wants to read his book at night and throws it across the room. The younger boy, in contrast, sits down and quietly reads to himself!

Any help or advice please?

[JanParker]

Hi Liza.

Hmm. I have a bit of a problem with siblings being treated ?the same?. They?re different children, at different ages and stages, with different needs, wants and vulnerabilities.

Personally ? and every parent has to go by what they feel best for their kids ? I?m with you on this one. I think it?s fair to give your five year old a big bike for his birthday. Your younger son can wait until he?s five. Or at the very least until his own birthday comes along.

Many parents give younger children a small gift when it?s an older child?s birthday. Maybe that would help, especially if your youngest is used to getting ?the same?. But preparing kids for life means teaching them that they can?t always have something just because someone else has it; that you have to wait sometimes for the best things in life; that every age has its advantages. And a sibling?s birthday seems a pretty good place to start learning.

Best to chat these things over with your partner before any final decision is made. Maybe show him the sections in the book on individuality and identity, and meeting different children?s needs? You can borrow the book from the library if buying it is problematic.

I?d be interested to hear what other Mumsnet members think about this.

[ScummyMummy]

Aarrrgggghhh! Did I have to post my questions after you to win a copy of your new book?!

[JanParker]

Hi Clairer1,

My eldest two children are twins, so I really do understand your concerns. There?s a section in the book dedicated to twins and more. We can?t be more than brief here, but I don?t think there can be any strict instructions regarding separation ? you will have a feel for what suits your particular children best.

Don?t underestimate, though, how strong children?s friendships can become at reception age, and how unsettling it would be for one child to be moved away from their friendship group later on in their school life. Most twins I know find the start of school in separate classes pretty strange, and then thrive. Many mothers have told me that their twin children are actually much nicer to each other when they spend less time together and have the opportunity to form individual friendships.

The final part of your question also suggests there are very big reasons why they may fare better apart. People compare siblings, twins especially. This can damage a child?s self-esteem for life if they feel from such an early age that they are ?second best? or ?lesser than? their brother or sister. It can also harm the child deemed to be more able, if they feel their recognition as a person, their identity, is too wound up in being the ?good? or ?successful? one.

How to support siblings of differing levels of ability is something we cover in depth in the book as it is something that most parents have to negotiate, and parents of twins especially. The brief answer is to help each child feel they shine, that they are loved and bring pleasure to you just for who they are, not what they achieve.

You might also want to get in touch with the TAMBA (Twins and Multiple Births Association) helpline ? 01732 868000 ? and the Multiple Births Association ? www.multiplebirths.org.uk . Both provide specialist advice, information and support. Thoroughly recommended.

[JanParker]

Hi Peterpan5.

Wow. A huge question packed into one sentence. It would be daft to attempt to reduce the contents of a book to a few lines, so instead, a few issues that it may help to consider:

Turn-taking (a much easier concept than sharing for young children to grasp) can be encouraged from a very early age, with turn-taking games and rhymes. This does seem to help young children see the mutual benefits of letting others ?have a go?, in issues of choice as well as property. It?s an important step along the way to understanding compromise. Well worth encouraging.

Descriptive praise is one of the most effective ways to turn around problematic behaviour. When they aren?t fighting, we can tell our children how much we appreciate it and why. When children show flashes of kindness and consideration (and they will if we look hard enough), we can grasp the chance to praise and explain why it matters.

Your three year old is just about old enough to begin thinking through problems and possible solutions on a pretty basic level: ?OK, we?ve got one bike and both of you want it. Can you think of a way to sort this out so you?re both happy?? Children are much more resourceful than we generally give them credit for, and generally enjoy being treated as part of the solution rather than simple ?the problem?. By encouraging them to resolve disputes for themselves, we help them take their first steps along the road to self-discipline. And every step they take means they?re less likely to need us to referee every dispute.