Funniest bit of childbirth

(729 Posts)
rachelhill Fri 12-Jan-07 15:53:53

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

CallieG Wed 25-Jun-14 11:10:35

During my 2nd child's birth the midwife said she saw the head crowning, and told me to push really hard on my next contraction, well my daughters head was not crowning she was hung up on the umbilical cord like a sling , it was not around her neck it came up from her belly in front of one shoulder, went over the back of her neck and then down under her armpit , not aware of this I pushed really Really hard, the baby came as far as possible then stopped but the bag of waters got pushed past her, I have one more mighty heave and the bag of waters EXPLODED shock all over the midwife, the nurse and the wall behind them, my husband gasped in horror, the nurse just stood there with all this muck dripping off her confused and the midwife, a veteran trooper, she dove in unhooked the baby and delivered the shoulders, I was heaving, pushing and laughing so much I actually did shit myself. blush

Flowerfae Mon 09-Jun-14 22:39:16

Just finished reading all of these.. they are brilliant smile

DS1... I can't really remember anything apart from the midwives thought he was stuck so went to prepare for forceps, the minute they had walked across the room he shot out across the bed. I remember looking down and thinking 'oh my god... there's a baby there... where did that come from?'

DD... I had asked for an epidural and the anaesthetist and midwife were trying to do it (it was unsuccessful in the end due to my weird back) but I could hear them talking and one of them said '... its actually the first time i've done one of these' I said to DH (I thought i had whispered but apparently not) 'omg.... which one said that?' ( I later felt awful because it sounded really rude). Luckily it was the midwife who said it... not the anaesthetist..... DH said anaesthetist was chuckling... midwife wasn't (think she had her sense of humour surgically removed actually) ... Oh and as soon as I had DD... she stuck a dish under my face with the placenta in and said 'want to have a look?' I threw up smile

DS2 ... midwife suggested I use a birthing ball... as I hadn't used one before... I sat down on it and it flew out from between my legs and I ended up falling backwards onto the floor... DH couldn't help me up straight away because he was laughing too much (git also sat eating a chip butty..... I did managed to steal a few when the midwife went out of the room though).

soapybubbles123 Thu 29-May-14 21:03:30

Marching out of the house to the ambulance in bare feet.

After taking the first gulp on G&A at home and sinking to the floor in relief (DS was back to back and arriving v quickly), the paramedic saying 'Are you sure you can't get in the car, you'll be hours yet'. Turns out I was in transition and had DS 30 minutes later.

Being off my face on G&A, realising the midwife was called Ursula and having to fight the urge to tell her that she was a sea witch (a la The Little Mermaid).

Arriving on delivery to be told DS was most of the way out and saying 'Let's get on with it then'(I was booked for an ELCS but DS had other ideas).

Sendintheshiraz Mon 26-May-14 20:17:57

Me to DH: "get this f***ing thames machine off of me, it's shit

shock

gabywatson Sun 25-May-14 16:27:32

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Odaat Sun 23-Mar-14 16:12:55

I remember having the pessary in as part of being induced. All was fine one min, then all of a sudden wham! Incessant and excruciating contractions started - every two minutes ! Relentless agony... By the fourth or fifth one I had ripped all the monitor stuff off of me and ran to the toilet as i seriously thought I was going to vomit/piss/shit myself in pain! Awful! (But rather funny in hindsight )

DishesToDoButCuppaFirst Sun 16-Mar-14 08:36:40

I was going into labour at home with DS and had the show coming out into my knickers. Tried to get to the loo but our cat came in with a HUGE dead rat, first and only time, and laid it at my feet so I ended up holding the rat by the tail with one hand and my big contracting belly with the other and throwing the rat out of the front door. Maybe the cat was trying to help? confused

DP had made a quick trip out to the supermarket while this was happening. He was away for what seemed like ages and when he arrived back had bought a magazine for what he thought would be the long slow boring haul ahead. Ended up being a full on intense labour with no reading opportunities for the next ten or so hours smile I shat myself unashamedly in the pool in front of birth partners, DP and the MW, no one seemed too worried and I was past caring. I cared the next day when an uncle whom I rarely see insisted on visiting and copped a lovely eyeful of bloody, pooey pool water in the lounge cos we hadn't had a chance to take it down blush

During labour DS got stuck and no amount of bone crushing pushes from me would shift him. Transfer to hospital... The ambulance arrives at our house and two ambulance guys are in the lounge, standing around taking their time, introducing themselves to me, while I'm hunched groaning and heaving on the floor. I thought I don't give a shit what your names are get me in the fucking ambulance! But evidently didn't say it out loud... smile

Our neighbour thought his flatmate was having loud crazy sex that night but it was me being half carried groaning and neighing down our driveway to the ambulance blush

DaleyBump Fri 31-Jan-14 14:48:01

Oh, I also had an epidural and decided I needed a poo. My mum and DH left to give me some privacy and the midwife put me on a bedpan, but I just couldn't poo lying down. I knew I had to sit up but the midwife wouldn't let me so I asked her if she would warm up my heat-pack. She left, leaving me by myself, and I promptly heaved myself off the bed to go to the toilet. Another midwife came in while I was standing up and asked me if I was okay, and I told her that I really had to go to the toilet. Fine, she said, on you go. I was really confused at this point and asked her how to unplug my epidural and the look of shock on her face when she realised that I'd had an epidural and was standing up asking to go to the toilet was brilliant grin she panicked and called in two other midwives, totally convinced I was about to collapse at any moment. I didn't but it was brilliant grin

DaleyBump Fri 31-Jan-14 14:33:55

I was having incredibly intense contractions when the mw asked to examine me and break my waters. Took my leggings off and heaved myself up on the table for the mw and consultant to burst out laughing. I had no idea what they were laughing at until the mw said "we've not perfected keyhole surgery through pants yet!" blush

MrsBright Wed 29-Jan-14 12:07:11

Walking dreamily through the nursery and looking for my wee one in her little crib (she'd been put in there while I had a shower and an important chat with a consultant), I stroked a little head and said 'hallo sweetpea' and went to pick her up.

'Your baby is over here Mrs Bright....'

Well, they all look the same don't they?

joannah87 Sun 26-Jan-14 22:01:16

In the hazy half an hour post delivery when the midwife attached her mining headlamp, got out a needle and thread and disappeared between my legs. That was surreal!!!

ZingSweetApple Sat 25-Jan-14 20:41:37

grin

Wherediparkmybroom Sat 25-Jan-14 19:58:27

Telling the dh to pick up the baby we were off, the midwife then said can I deliver placenta first! One hr later I'm out of here!

DipMeInChocolate Sat 25-Jan-14 19:54:01

High on Gas and Air in the birth pool listening to my chill out music and pushing to "Deliver Me" by enya. I remember trying to convey the irony, but DH said I was mumbling at the time.

MatriarchMommy Sat 25-Jan-14 19:46:52

This is fantastic gringringrin

RandomMess Sat 25-Jan-14 19:33:07

Just bumping for those that have never read this thread grin

Millenniumbug1 Sat 21-Dec-13 19:47:51

For me, with my 1st born, just as his head was crowning in the delivery room, a man from British Gas opened the door saying he'd been sent to investigate a reported gas leak. I remember the midwife shouting at him to get out & no way was he entering the room. TBH, by that time, I couldn't have cared if they'd marched a division of the light infantry through !!!

MayfairMummy Thu 19-Dec-13 20:30:55

Had an ERPC on tuesday, and for some reason, reading all 700+ messages in one hit on tuesday night cheered me up no end... reminded me of 2nd home birth....

We were living in a basement flat directly opposite a well known london embassy with very high security. Somehow the fire alarm in the building went off during the birth. Given our location, the occasions when this happened always led to at least 2, usually 3 fire engines arriving pronto, all the firefighters tumbling out, and a top to toe search of the building, just in case. Cue DP attempting to explain that now really wasn't the time for the firefighters to be traipsing through our flat. Of course, they were required to make sure all was ok so some back and forth followed. When DP finally admitted I was in last stages of labour, they wanted to take me to the hospital in the fire engine instead ... I'm pretty sure DP managed to convince them to go home in the end, but I have to admit, I was in my own zone the whole time and i'm not sure i would have noticed the extra body or two in the flat......

FindusCrispyShitCakes Wed 18-Dec-13 04:49:39

My friend who had given birth a few months before me said her husband took his ipad into hospital and watched the England match. I made the mistake of telling DH this and he assumed the hospital had wi-fi (rather than friends hubby having a better iPad than us with 3G on it).

So he brought ours in, and despite the fact that I was very close to giving birth (contraction 1 minute apart) and no footy matches playing at 1am, he kept banging on about wi-fi. I was kid-contraction when he asked the nurse "do you know what the wi-fi password is?". I stopped using my gas and air to turn to him and tell him what a twat he was (I'd stated swear word free until then).

I was also convinced the baby's head was going back in when I was pushing, and declared this likely.

But worst of all, this wasn't funny at the time as I was having a huge postpartum bleed and the midwife literally stuck her whole hand inside me to stem the blood, but later on (still a bit high from drugs) I told her that's the first time I'd ever been fisted blush

Hushabyelullaby Mon 16-Dec-13 22:33:42

There were 2 things for me. The first was when DH was helping me to put the TENS machine on and we'd just got the pads in place and switched it on. It was early labour so I was doing ok at a low vibration (no 2). DH then sat down on the control which turned the TENS on to full power (10) and I yelped and nearly shot off the bed. It bloody hurt at the time, but is funny looking back on it.
The 2nd had us in fits of laughter, a nurse came in to my room (to give me another jug of water I think), and I was lying on the bed chatting to DH who was sitting next to it. He'd plonked himself down on my wheelchair earlier on and we were talking about what i'd packed in my hospital bag. He stood up to go and check something, and the nurse screamed and nearly had a fit, she said that she'd thought DH was the wheelchair user when all of a sudden got up and walked across the room

HoneyandRum Tue 18-Jun-13 14:18:23

Our children were born in the US as DH is American. I was bearing down to push out dc3 when the three nurses in the room started calling out numbers excitedly. Despite my drugged up confusion I realized to my horror they were guessing the baby's weight. And those were big numbers.

Then the OB/Gyn doc says "HoneyandRum you're not having a baby you're having a toddler!"

DS was born, quickly weighed and was just under 11lb. They tried to print his newborn footprint on these specially made cards but his toes and heel dangled off the edges. We also had to get him a special sized baby bucket carseat as he was too long/tall.

He's now 6, the youngest in his year but still the tallest, my little cutie.

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Sun 02-Jun-13 00:05:28

I delivered my ds myself in the hospital toilets. I'd been induced and had been timing my contractions on an app and was being told I was in final stages. Midwife didn't believe me. A different (lovely) midwife came to check me a few hours later (6am) and my waters broke everywhere - possibly in her face. I promptly vaulted off the bed and ran to the toilets shouting 'I need the loo!' -I remember she looked very surprised as I disappeared into the sunset.

2 minutes later and I had pushed twice (on the loo) and the head appeared. I panicked a bit because I thought the original midwife was going to tell me off, so I pulled the emergency cord. Heard a voice asking if I could unlock the door (derp) and I shrieked something to the effect of 'No! I've got a baby hanging out of me! You get in here!'

One more push, ds promptly free falls down the toilet. I caught him, held him up and we stared at each other - I swear we both looked equally shocked. Suddenly the door bursts open and about 7 midwives come charging in - with the second midwife (who I'd escaped from) marine-crawling across the floor. I was grinning like an idiot at this point.

themidwife Thu 30-May-13 21:27:21

DC3 home birth - decided I really needed to sit on the loo in the ensuite & of course as soon as I sat down started giving the most almighty push. DH said OMG I don't want the baby going round the u bend to which I (off my face on entonox) replied "Don't worry she'll bungey on the cord!" Midwife & DH took one arm each & threw me from the toilet onto the bed & the baby shot out like a cork. Luckily the midwife was one of my closest friends & when I opened my eyes tears were rolling down her face she was laughing so much! grin

ItsTheYoniWay Sat 25-May-13 05:02:32

While they were giving me the epidural I kept asking "Is it in yet? Is it in yet? I can't feel it...is it in yet?" and OH sat opposite me trying to keep a straight face.

KnittedC Tue 21-May-13 19:09:31

During the third stage, lying there with my legs in stirrups and the doctor asked me to cough. I gave a cough, nothing happened. "Don't you want me to push?" I said. "No," says the doctor, "just give me a little cough."

'Oooookay,' I think, not expecting a little cough to do much. "Ahem" says I, with a feeble little cough. Next thing I know my placenta has shot straight out of my fanjo, prompting the doctor to literally do a small (ineffectual) hop backwards, before I hear it slap him in the thigh and slither down his leg.

He did not look impressed, and slunk off to change his scrubs while the midwife and trainee attempted to hide their laughing. Upon his return I was very apologetic as he was the one stitching me up, luckily by then he saw the funny side and told me he'd forward me the dry cleaning bill grin

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