What's the most barking thing you've witnessed at a mum's group?

(490 Posts)
Berts Wed 30-Jan-13 12:19:02

Not just the usual competitive, Stepford Mommies rubbish, but real 'back away now, slowly' stuff.

Mine was when one of the babies, ten months old fell over and banged his head. His mum picked him up to give him a cuddle (of course) but, when he didn't stop crying pretty quickly she stands him on her lap, looks him in the eye and starts barking: "Man up! Come on, Man up!"

Barking being the operative word...

Sat here BF 11wo DS silently convulsing with laughter and tears of mirth in my eyes! Trying not so disturb him but poor little one can't keep his latch as I'm laughing to hard!!

My top three:
Deranged naked elf musician
The ten plagues of Egypt (in the Brian Blessed voice!)
The 'suckle on mummy' proffering her 'udders' to random child

Am litterally crying with laughter and can't wait to take DS to more baby groups!

It's back to the playgroup I help run this Friday, after half term. I will keep an extra eye out for bat-shit-craziness!

MarthasHarbour Fri 15-Feb-13 10:56:52

grin fair enough pretzel i know what you mean, i always have some good comebacks in my head and they just disappear when the time comes and i just sit there with this shock face!

PretzelTime Thu 14-Feb-13 14:41:25

Sorry about that MarthasHarbour. I had originally intended to write long reply about how I know how hard it is to do/say something when something like that happens and you aren't prepared; and if you are it can still be difficult. And ended up not posting it. I blame the flu. I've been a bystander too many times.

MarthasHarbour Thu 14-Feb-13 14:32:47

grin

I have a really ornate pocket mirror i keep in my bag. I offered it to a colleague friend today as she had something in her eye, i had to stop myself from openly offering her my 'fanny party mirror'

grin grin

MarthasHarbour Mon 11-Feb-13 12:36:31

pretzel i did feel rather told off!! i guess you just need to be there and know a bit more about the dynamics hmm

Yep my one also says 'kind hands, gentle hands' as her DS is flailing about!

miggsie i love that - your DH is like mine - he would have found something for her to fret about!! grin

BattlingFanjos Fri 08-Feb-13 20:37:29

Miggsie I feel so bad but that made me laugh so hard! Crazy! Good luck Madame grin

MadameNJ Fri 08-Feb-13 14:32:56

This thread has inspired me to go to my first ever baby and toddler group on Monday - I'll report back on the extent of any pan pipe/turtle/bat-shit craziness in my neck of the woods!

Miggsie Fri 08-Feb-13 14:32:42

In my old vegetarian days I hung out with quite a big crowd of veggies and vegans.
One of the vegan ladies was really "out there" and into ley lines etc and chanted a lot. She used to wind up DH (not intentionally) by holding forth for very long periods about the exploitation of animals and how honey was stealing.
She became pregnant and was going on aobut her mystic baby etc etc and DH asked her how she could breastfeed - as her baby would be exploiting her and stealing her milk. He meant it as a joke but she instantly went into a complete tizzy and was hand wringing by the end saying "oh my poor baby" and deciding that she would use soyamilk formula so her baby would not be tainted by animal products.
I told DH off when we left and he just stood there saying "I didn't think she was THAT mad!" Somehow the friendship sort of waned from that point.

amazingmumof6 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:35:34

"BY JAWS" grin PMSL!!!!

ubik Fri 08-Feb-13 09:33:02

Oh the "gentle hands" thing makes me want to whip round and bark: "Milo. Give that stick to me RIGHT NOW!"

i used to hate it when DD1 had been bitten and the parent of the biter would then encourage biter to "give her a hug and kiss it better."
Frankly the last thing a child, who has just been bitten, wants is to be "hugged and kissed better" by Jaws.

Ninjacat Fri 08-Feb-13 07:44:57

"Gentle hands Milo" "gentle hands" - as Milo proceeds to whack my ds with a large stick.
(Some names may have been changed)

Uppermid Fri 08-Feb-13 07:23:43

Wow, why didn't I get any of these crazies at playground. And I wasn't the crazy - honest, at least I don't think I was!!!

PretzelTime Thu 07-Feb-13 22:24:36

Goddammit, I didn't kill a classic thread did I. More stories, anyone?

PretzelTime Thu 07-Feb-13 11:03:29

Yes, please do.

MarthasHarbour Thu 07-Feb-13 08:42:15

bertie that poor little boy sad but yes she was crazy batshit woman!

pretzel i have a friend who tells her 2yo DS2 to 'man up' when her 3.5yo DS1 hits him sad i know she is also making a point to us that it is ok for her DS1 to hit our DCs

I really should stop being so bloody English and say something blush

PretzelTime Wed 06-Feb-13 23:01:32

sad at those telling their little ds to "man up" and those openly hitting their kids...

BertieBotts Wed 06-Feb-13 22:48:45

I use way too many emoticons blush

BertieBotts Wed 06-Feb-13 22:48:24

I've just remembered the batshit crazy mum from nursery, unfortunately for me, DS totally latched on to her little boy as his bestest ever friend in the WHOLE world, they were totally obsessed with each other.

"How lovely" I thought at first, and happily accepted batshit crazy mum's invitation to take the boys to the park after nursery.

The first shock was when we were sitting down in this park, the children went off playing, and she asked what kind of music I liked. Oh, any, I said, so she started playing some music on her phone, just chart/pop kind of stuff. And then the uncensored version of "Forget You" by Cee-lo came on, I hadn't heard it before, but basically instead of every time he says "forget you and forget her too" in the song the "forget" is replaced with "fuck". But instead of being even slightly embarrassed she just left it playing, fucking away in the middle of a children's park confused

Then she kept offering me knock-off cigarettes which I didn't want, and then there was an awkward other park visit where her son started crying after an argument with another child and she kept alternately telling him to man up and stop crying and then to tell her why he was crying, or she'd slap him hmm or throw him in the river shock

Anyway I decided maybe she was having a bad day and gave it one last shot where we accepted a playdate invitation. While the children were playing in the garden, her partner started rolling a joint and then just smoked it right in front of them confused Being terribly English I couldn't say anything at all and couldn't bring myself to leave because she had dinner cooking for the DC and I didn't want to appear rude hmm but while they were eating she proceeded to roll another one and offer me some and then smoke it while complaining to me about everything that was wrong with her life apart from her amazing boyfriend. I was shock and just tried not to breathe and even moved pointedly to another chair but she carried on oblivious. After that, luckily, there was a good opportunity to leave and then I'm ashamed to say I just ignored all of her calls and texts and facebook messages and then her DS moved schools and I just never contacted them ever again blush DS has forgotten totally about the other boy now, thank god.

I remember she told me that her DS always latched on to another boy as a best friend though and then when he moved on from the group/nursery/etc they never stayed in touch, I was a bit sad for him because it was probably her they were staying away from.

PretzelTime Wed 06-Feb-13 22:23:39

This thread...! smile
So much grin and shock

amazingmumof6 Wed 06-Feb-13 21:34:50

oldestcat - poor you!

I was put on a spot like that when DS4 was 5 DAYS(!) old.
I had an ELSC and had been home, but he was jaundiced so we went to the hospital to get him checked.
they had to take blood from his feet and the poor little bunny was wailing his head off.
not only the young bloke doctor kept on asking about what DS4's routine was, what he normally does, when he normally eats (ffs at 5 days, there's no "normally"!!!!!),to which I kept on saying I don't know, he's just been born, but then he asked me to sing to baby to calm him down.
I really didn't want to, but I tried and I felt like and utter idiot, coz of course it wasn't calming him down, he had a huge needle stuck in his foot!!!! It just made me feel like a bad mum.sad

this same guy then lectured me on how I'm not supposed to ask him for a painkiller, and if I had a headache I can take some when I got home.
I took me all my strength to not screech at him, but instead explained politely that I need painkillers because I had a CS 5 days ago and in a rush to get baby to hospital I forgot to bring my prescription ones.

he gave me some paracetamol, but never apologized - and I actually ended up staying overnight..
daft bastard

TheOldestCat Wed 06-Feb-13 20:30:52

Fantastic thread, especially Turtle Boy and Kipper the Monster!

I fear I was the batty one at a music session. Never did groups with DD and didn't with younger DS either, but inadvertently went along as my lovely friend encouraged me.

To note, I am under no illusions that DS is merely 'spirited'. He is, but I am trying to keep it under check.

DS was just two but all the other toddlers/babies were younger and more sensible than him. So while they sat with their mums, DS performed a dance with a tambourine in the middle of the circle, then ran round while I tried to control him. The playleader was lovely and said how fun it was that he was enjoying himself and really taking part. (She was just being nice.) To curb his ways, she suggested that I lead the singing of his favourite nursery rhyme.

My mind went blank. I couldn't think of one - all the mummies stared at me while I mumbled 'oh I don't go to these things, I wish I did, but I work, maybe his childminder knows'. My lovely friend rescued me: 'I think DS likes The Wheels on the Bus, doesn't he, oldestcat?'. Me: 'YES! yes, he does, he loves it'.

We didn't go back.

Wetthemogwai Wed 06-Feb-13 20:02:35

I just spat my tea out at 'fuck you granny'!!

My dd used to say wanker for blanket and used to scream it whenever she dropped it out of her buggy blush

Now it's paki for alpaca and 'paki-apples' when she wants to see th YouTube clip of an alpaca eating an apple. Oooh the looks we got at playgroup....

Especially after on her first time while playing with a little boy in the sand tray he threw sand on the floor and an exasperated dd (22mo) threw her arms in the air, said 'oh for GODS sake!' and stomped round to the sandy mess with a dustpan and swept up blush again!

bran Wed 06-Feb-13 19:58:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DownyEmerald Wed 06-Feb-13 19:57:10

My dd used to say Buggers for Cupboards.

And she liked cupboards!

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