The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

[Honeydragon]

I'll start

Never let a toddler drink out a shoe

Never leave face paints unsupervised on a inadequately high surface

If breastfeeding, always return you boob to it's rightful place before answering the door

Do not relent when people say your child will like Knex, it is Satans plaything.

Never let your teen read child rearing books on raising teens, they will use them against you for purposes of evil.

[Honeydragon]

your boob

[SummerLeaps]

YY on the teen reading raising teen books. When I was a teen, my DF did a degree in child psychology... i avidly read his books and knew ALL the techniques the poor man was trying to implement.

He talks about it to this day....post traumatic stress.

[kittensliveupstairs]

Don't leave your DC unspervised with shaving foam. Even though she may be 10.4. DD did a prank yesterday. How I laughed.

[Honeydragon]

May I also add if a random and unfortunate series of circumstances on a day trip leads you to providing your dc a meal that is basically a Doughnut and chips. They WILL TELL PEOPLE. In particular your most judgy diet concious acquaintances.

[Honeydragon]

kittens

what kind of prank?

[naught]

Make sure your co-parent is another adult, not a child.

[kittensliveupstairs]

Pretty simple one really. She thought it would be funny to squirt a whole tin over the taps in the bathroom.
She didn't think cleaning them was anywhere near as funny.

[Honeydragon]

[Hellishday]

Do not cut head off ds's favourite cuddly when abroad.
Especially not in front of him.
(disclaimer..it was dh not me)

[Honeydragon]

Hellishday

What did he cut the head off with

[InfestationofLannisters]

Please link, Hellishday. I don't remember the full story. I'm often tempted to do that to the Nursery Bear.

I have trained DS (4) to call MNing, "Mummy working" and was most amused to discover the other day that someone else had too (am SAHM)

[cornsilx]

when they go quiet do not carry on Mning. They will be busily unscrewing doors from their hinges. Or is that just mine?

[Hellishday]

We were on holiday, ds was about 3 or 4 and had refused to do something. No idea what. Dh lost it, got the (blunt) scissors from the villa and hacked off Blue Bear 's head. It s a very low point in dh's parenting skills, which thankfully have improved.

[Honeydragon]

i guess from bear beheading they can only get better

[TheArmadillo]

Keep sudocreme in a locked container that only you have the key for (kept on your person at all times), otherwise no matter how high a shelf you put it on your child will at some point get it and cover themselves/your house in it.

[piprabbit]

Sudocreme doesn't wash out of anything - hair, carpet, soft toys.

If you cut your child's hair, make sure they don't know where you keep the scissors.

Do not let your 7yo DD read MN over your shoulder - you will have to answer some tricky questions.

If you explain the facts of life to your LO (perhaps because your are expecting DC2 and DC1 is curious), make sure that you use words that you are happy to have quoted back to you on the bus, in Tesco and to be shared with all DC1's more innocent pre-school friends.

[AbsDuCroissant]

Surely honeydragon you should also include
NEVER immac your baby's head?

[piprabbit]

ROFL @ honeydragon.
Not sure which would be worse, Immacing a 6 week old on purpose or by accident?

[Honeydragon]

Did consider it Abs

but figured that surely no one else could be as thick unlucky as me

[theglove]

Never leave a large packet of Haribo on the table and tell two 6 year olds to 'help themselves' just before a school disco.

The subsequent intense (and quite scary) rise of energy, shortly followed by a sharp decline in their temper, is too much for anyone's nerves.

And it'll all be your fault.

[piprabbit]

If you buy your DD a nice little pink cami (it goes perfectly with the Boden ruffle skirt), she will choose to wear it with the pair of fuschia shorts you bought her two years ago and which now resemble Kylie's hot pants in terms of skimpy fit to wear on the beach.

You will not able to wash or even remove this outfit for the entire summer holiday.

[AbsDuCroissant]

Look on the bright side, you could have accidentally waxed your baby's head. That would have been worse

[LimburgseVlaai]

When buying/receiving as a present a set of paints of whatever kind, remove the blue one. Blue paint cannot be removed by whatever means possible.

Remove mashed banana off clothing immediately. Otherwise it will turn black and and the stain cannot be removed.

[LimburgseVlaai]

If, on attempting to close a door, there seems to be some resistance, do not pull harder. The likely cause of the obstruction is your child's fingers. The sound effect may be delayed but it is shockingly loud.

[TastyMuffins]

Never buy green toothpaste - the blobs on the bathroom ceiling are not easy to remove and don't blend in.

Keep the toothpaste locked with the sudocreme.

Lock the lollypops from party bags in the lockable first aid kit - there are times when lollypops are a really good thing to have to hand in a hurry.

If you give your normally healthy fed child any small piece of unhealthy food, they will tell absolutely everyone. Be prepared for the Year One 'What I did in the holidays sentence' of 'I had doughnuts.' - no mention will be made of any homegrown vegetables, salads, fresh fruit or even a smoothie, even the entire expensive holiday can be omitted.

If you take your young child around the world, to a festival, to Legoland, to an expensive resort etc, they will have as much fun as if you took them to the local park and will probably only focus on one piece of playground equipment played on during the time away. When anyone asks them about their round the world trip, they will tell them how much the loved the slide/swings/climbing frame and appear not to remember anything else. Said favourite piece of equipment may even be identical or even inferior to that found in local park.

Make up your own special word for farts so that when your small child says loudly on the bus that they can smell your 'fluffy puffs', no one else knows what they are talking about (except those that can smell it :o)!