Identical Twins.

[lucy76]

Hi! I am a new mum of 8 month old identical twin girls (born 3 months early due to TTTS). I am very interested about the complex relationship and bond identical twins have and the pro's and cons of dressing alike and how to encouraging individuality and similarities appropriately. I would love to hear from anyone (identical twins, parents/ friends/ partners/ children of twins etc) who have any experiences and guidance to share!

[jambuttie]

hi lucy

My twins are non identical so not able to answer your q's really but thought I would say hi

[chopster]

another mum of non id twins here, congratulations on your girls.

The bond mine have is actually very one sided, so I guess it depends on personality really. dt2 adores dt1 and wants to include him in everything and go everywhere with him. dt1 couldn't care less!

[oooggs]

just saying hi to another twin mummie - mine are girl/boy so I can't help - just wanted to say welcome

[rantinghousewife]

I'm the daughter of an id twin and my mum always says there is no special bond between them, (they don't speak very often) but, I beg to differ. They often do the same things, buy the same things, independently of each other, only finding out later iyswim.
Think my mum and her sister were dressed the same as children but I don't think this caused problems as such. They are oddly very alike (in personality) yet very different. Cannnot think of another way to describe it.

[totaleclipse]

Hi, I havr only got a few minutes as need to cook dinner, I have identical twin girls, 3.6 years, they are very close, though they do fight occasionaly, dt2 odores dt1, follows her everywhere and wants to do whatever she is doing, dt1 seems to enjoy it as she has taken on the motherly role between them and always looks after her, makes sure she is happy and even tries to disipline her

I have never dressed them the same, they have thier own clothes and own wardrobes and refuse to let each other swap clothes, I never refer to them as the twins, I refer to them as the girls and family do the same, not sure why really, I just feel uncomfortable when people call them the twins.

[totaleclipse]

should clarify, Its not me refusing to let them swap clothes, they refuse to let each other borrow clothes.

[professorplum]

I don't have twins but my cousins are identical. They are very close and have chosen the same career path they had mostly the same clothes as kids but didn't necessarily wear them at the same time. I don't remember it being an issue. I think it was more common to dress both siblings and twins the same then. I know a woman with non identical twins and she has made it her lifes work to dress them differently. It is very obvious that one always gets the prettier things. The dds won't be aware of it yet but it won't be long before it is an issue for them. The 'favourite' twin always has nice ribbons in her hair, a much nicer birthday cake and even got a bike for Christmas when the other one only got few small toys. Its like watching a car crash in slow motion.

[totaleclipse]

thats awful, a shop assistand asked me a few weeks ago which twin was my favourite, in front of them I just glared at him and said, they both are.

[frumpygrumpy]

which twin is your favourite???!!!

Which leg do you prefer?

Do you need your liver or your kidneys more?

Would you rather you died with or without a book in your left hand?

I mean WTF.......

Hi Lucy, mine are b/g too so nothing of worth to send you Hello from me though and I think throckenholt has ID boys so she might pop in for a word or two.

[lucy76]

Wow! First time I have used mumsnet, and surprised by how quick I've got replies! Fantastic! I make point of never dressing them the same, despite having 2 of a lot of clothes (gifts!). But recently people have started suggesting that maybe I shouldn't be trying to 'make' them individuals as they may want to be the same. I know they are so young now, but I want to start as I mean to go on!

[lucy76]

Forgot to say,I've joined a twins group and a lot of people call their kids 'the twins' but I feel uncomfortable about it too. The worst is when people say 'this one...'about my girls!! Silly I know!

[SoMuchToBits]

I am one of identical twins, so the advice I would give is:-

a) Never give them similar names e.g. starting with the same letter, Tim and Tom, Alice and Anna etc (not much help to you Lucy, as you have obviously named yours already, but for anyone who is expecting twins)

b) Try to dress them differently if you can, even if it's the same things in different colours, just to give them a bit of individuality.

c) Different hairstyles if possible (easier in girls I know)

d) Allow them to have different interests, friends etc. If they really want the same, that's fine, but not to impose it on them.

e) If there is a choice at school, have them in separate classes, so they can make their own friends more easily, and not be compared so much by teachers.

f) Encourage everyone you know to call them bytheir names or "the girls", as you do, rather than "the twins". We had one friend as a child whose older sister never referred to either of us by name but always caled us "twinnie" - very annoying.

Tbh, I think you are doing all the right things. I think as long as you allow your children to be different, then they can have their own identity. If they choose to be the same , then that's fine, but not to have it imposed on them.

[oooggs]

it is easier to say 'the girls' 'the boys' but with girl boy twins we never say the twins and when people (esp. family) say it to us we say 'you mean E & J?' petty I know

[Anchovy]

LOL, DS has identical twins in his class and I have tried to impress on his the need to treat them as 2 people not a "collective identity". But one of his friends (out of confusion, not malice, she is only 4) always calls them - to their face - "One of the twins".

I think it is a good idea to give them different hairstyles etc to help class mates etc treat them differently.

My BIL is an identical twin and, as grown ups, he and his twin have very different life styles.

[SoMuchToBits]

Oh, and the other thing is , if you know twins who have a birthday coming up, do give them a card and present each, and not one to share - no other siblings would be expected to share a card or present, so why would twins?

[JuA]

My ID girls are 19 months old. We have never dressed them identically - usually similar - different colours just because it is easier than trying to dress them differently. They definetley have a bond - they can be very caring towards each other and if they have 2 of something they will generally find the other one to share with - having said that if there is only one they will fight over it!

[tkband3]

I have id girls of 2.5 and I decided before they were born that I would not dress them the same. A few people gave me some matching outfits for them, which they wore very occasionally, but as they have grown older, this has happened less and less. I quite frequently buy the two-packs of t-shirts etc or the same thing in different colours, so they are dressed similarly but not the same, and they are normally both in either skirts or trousers, but in the last few months they have started to choose their own clothes and often dress completely differently. I have segregated their clothes in their wardrobe (no room for two , and they are aware of whose clothes are whose, but often choose to wear something of their sister's. They also have cast-offs from their older sister, and there's obviously only one of each item so I share those out as well.

They are very close and often give each other spontaneous cuddles and kisses and say that they are each other's best friend. They also fight so it's not all domestic bliss .

Did you see that 'what not to wear' the other night, with the id twins? I don't normally watch the show, but I thought it was really interesting, particularly the way that labelling your twins to differentiate them (eg the 'fat' one, the 'shy' one, the 'bossy' one) can be self-perpetuating and have long-lasting effects.

We used to call them 'the babies', and now (as we also have another older girl) if referring to the DTs, use their names. I have had words with my mum on this subject, who thinks I am too fussy about this. FIL used to sometimes call each of them 'twin' but he was quite old and had v. poor eye-sight and only saw them very rarely, so I didn't hold it against him.

Oh and on the subject of cards...SIL always sends a joint birthday card which really makes me ...especially from her as two of her children share a birthday - but they are boy and girl and 5 years apart. I know she'd be fuming if I sent them a joint card, so why do that for my girls?

Sorry - I've rambled (again) . I do find the subject very interesting!

[chopster]

I'm interested in this dressing differently thing, what do you do when they want to wear the same thing. If I put one in a Thomas outfit, the other would scream blue murder if he wasn't allowed the same. If they have soemthign new like a gillet or whatever, they have to have the same. I do buy them more different stuff now, and dress them more to suit their personalities and what suits them, but often it is easier to jsut pick up two of things.

Iam soo guilty of the labelling thing too. Mine aren't id at all, but so may people see twins, and don't bother to look for the differences. So you I do end up saying 'well he's shorter and fatter, and he's taller and darker!'

[lucy76]

I did watch the 'what not to wear' program, as well as 'child of our time' last week, which got me talking about it with people. When naming them, we purposefully gave them very different names. It is such an interesting subject. I know myself what sibling rivalry can be like at the best of times (from my own experiences, as well as being a teacher), let alone as twins, and identical. It made me really think watching what not to wear, thinking how those twins had held eachother back without even realising it, but also how they were so unbelievably close.

[totaleclipse]

My dts never want to dress the same, they choose thier own clotheseach morning (that sometimes leaves alot to be desired) but I have found myself in a rut with regards to toys, I have 2 of everything, and I mean everything, they throw a right wobbler otherwise.

[frumpygrumpy]

Same here Kelly! I totally go with the flow now. Some days one DT is desperate to wear shorts if the other DT has them on. If one is wearing sandals, the other doesn't want to wear shoes etc. (And I have the advantage of mine at least being b/g!)

I think what people need to remember is that this is not always a twin thing, this is two children wanting to feel that they are not missing out on anything

I do have to make a big effort to keep each child feeling that they have had their turn (at everything) but that is not a twin thing either, thats a sibling thing. Every child who grows up with brothers or sisters experiences that.

I think in the beginning all the books and advice from people made me think I had to do my utmost to keep them individual, separate them sometimes, give them stories at bedtime on their own, the list goes on. I got quite sick of it really. I was especially pissed off when nursery made a point of sitting them away from each other at lunch or getting them to play at opposite ends of the room.

For me, I think my DTs are simply two children who have spent their lives together, doing much the same stuff at much the same time, brought up in the roughly the same way. I told nursery to stop making a point of separating them. If they wish to be together, let them. They are developing beautifully apart and sometimes they need each other.

I don't think you need to do anything major to let them feel individual (apart from the obvious sharing of sensitive things like presents and cards). We have two birthday cakes and sing each DT the song 16 minutes apart I ask each one if he/she would like milk or water with dinner. I sometimes bath them together, sometimes apart. I ask if they'd like a bed story together or their own one. Simple stuff, nothing major.

I think it is important for every child in a family (twins or not) to have solo time with a parent doing something both enjoy. The activity/time will become clearer as your children grow (baking, swimming, painting, lunch out together, reading, trip on a bus, the list is huge). Having had a DD before my DTs arrived I really, really missed not being able to go somewhere and just pick up my baby and go. I loved not using a buggy and just carrying my bundle with me. With DTs this is just not possible. So sometimes, when mine were very little, it was a lovely thing for me to go shopping with one. Then I could carry and chat to just that one.

Go with the flow. Do what feels right to you and remember it will change month by month, year by year.

I can talk!!!! Didn't mean to go on quite so long

[lucy76]

Isn't talking great though! I know I will know what to do as it comes, and to be honest all these messages make me feel a hell of a lot better. They are just confirming what I had thought all along. But you know what it's like when you get the scaremongering on the telly (anyone see the one about the anorexic ID's? ) and then everyone putting their two pence in. Being a natural worry wart, it doesn't help matters!!

[frumpygrumpy]

Ah worriers, you and me both I'm just beginning to grow out of it but I've a long way to go.

[lucy76]

I'm just resigned to the fact that it'll be with me for life! Just have to try and ignore it!!

[Twinsboys]

I have just read this thread with great interest! I have identical DS (19 months old), two girls aged 8 and 12 and a boy of 15. Unfortunately, if we were to refer to the kids one by one it would take ages, and they end up being the twins, the girls and "Boy"!!! I will admit that i frequently dress the twins the same - they are far too young to notice, and if i am honest it is easier to dress them if i don't have to spend time picking out outfits that i like equally (or i would feel guilty dressing one in something i did not like!). My main question is one of language - at 19 months they are still not saying words that mean anything to you or me, but talk to each other constantly in what i can only describe as "Twin language". They chat away for hours, clearly understanding each other, but still do not call me Mummy or Mama, and DH occasionally gets called Dada, but there again, so does the cat!!!!! At what age should i speak to someone regarding their total disinterest with the english language?????