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Advice badly needed re 3 year old boy twins-very nearly at wits end!!!!

27 replies

MilaMae · 10/02/2007 14:42

Got 3 year old boy twins and a 2 year old girl, really finding it hard going at the moment. The boys aren't bad kids at all but I'm finding them really hard work at the moment. After pre-school they race around, 1 in particular tries to whip all 3 of them into a frenzy. He either keeps lobbing in a hand grenade in the form of a poke, etc then stands back or leaps around shouting the word MAYHEM!!!! I have to tell him at least 3 times to do anything or he openly defies me eg got the paints out Friday afternoon he does a super picture then starts to paint his nose. I say don't do that so he loads up his brush and does an extra large splodge on his nose- the others of course copy.

Said twin is in and out of the sin bin all day. We don't live in a huge house so just don't have the space for them all to leap about. Feel I spend the whole time squashing his/their natural exhuberence but I have no choice, we all have to share a small space. I'm wondering if it's something I'm doing wrong as my mum and pre-school say they're fine for them and they only get overexcited when I'm about. I'm a full time stay at home mum who has taught tough inner city kids in the past so I'm no pushover.

Had a horrendous day yesterday dropping off and picking up from pre-school. All 3 running off when I tried to get coats put on, 1 crying as I left, not saying goodbye properly to the teacher etc. This is all in front of the other mums who are way younger than me and know I was a teacher so should be able to cope with 3 under 4s.
Things I expect them to do is to walk to the car park sensibly, to get on with something instead of prowling looking for trouble, to do as they're told and to calm down. I'm wondering if I'm too strict, too soft or if it's a boy twin thing as people I know with girl/girl or boy/girl twins don't seem to have the same problems. Starting to get very near my wits end and finding the boys extremely irritating. They are on the whole lovely kids, healthy and bright but I'm feeling that I seem to be constantly on their backs. Heard dt1 telling mum that mummy shouts when we cry!!!!! Also got punted out the way when dp and I went to pick them up so dt2 could get to daddy last night so starting to wonder if they're beginning to resent me being a nagbag. Starting to hit the wine at 6pm!!!! Really need some advice, somebody tell me this is just a stage that 3 year old boys go through, how do I get through it and that I'm not a crap mum.

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theslownorris · 10/02/2007 14:50

Believe me it's not a boy twin thing. I have twin girls aged 3 and I regularly have days where I feel like I have no control. I think its just an age thing but of course with twins it doubles (well feels more like quadruples lol ).

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BuffysMum · 10/02/2007 14:50

Sorry don't have twins and only have girls but I know 2 families with twin ID boys (not sure if that makes a difference apart from the tricks they got up to) and they all really struggled with their boisterous behaviour.

Hopefully someone will come soon and help you out a bit more......

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dingdongjustforyoufg · 10/02/2007 17:15

my DTs are 3 yr old girls and pretty similar at times, I also hit the wine by 6pm as do many others with twins...come join the madness we don't have all the answers but at least we all know what you're going through! BTW I'm a teacher too and often feel I'm better at dealing with 25 soppy teenagers than my 3yr old DTs

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dingdongjustforyoufg · 10/02/2007 17:16

obviously that should be stroppy not soppy teenagers - think soppy ones would be even worse

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MilaMae · 10/02/2007 20:07

Glad to hear I'm not the only one. Starting to have whistful yearnings towards Ofsted inspections so clearly starting to crack up. Yep guess they don't say double trouble for nothing. Dp took them all off to the park in the rain this afternoon, think he figured that was preferable to witnessing me turning into a gibbering wreck in the corner.

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triplets · 11/02/2007 19:56

MilaMae,
I feel for you and know exactly how you feel! I am a almost 55 yr old mother of 9 yr old triplets!!! Two boys and a girl. The last two years have been a nightmare, mainly the boys. They were 9 two weeks ago and I am praying that this year may see a turning point with them, ho ho. They come out of school get into the car and start, awful, arguing, winding each other up, its every day. At home it gets worse, esp Thomas, he is so head strong, its a constant battle with him. Yet..........get them on their own and they are lovely! So, when it gets really bad I split them, put one in the bath for a soak, have one baking or painting with me, and one watching tv or what ever, it seems to temporarily work. Husband is 11 years older than me, comes in late from his part time jobs, has a couple of G&Ts, then nice shower, then supper, in the meantime I could scream. Its the same routine every night, and nights like tonight I am FED UP!! Thats nothing to do with the children but him. We have been asked to visit some very good old friends for a w/end, with or without the kids, he wont go. I would like a break on our own, he won`t go, he is sooooo stuck in his ways, its enough to make me scream!!!! Sorry to have hi jacked your thread, needed to get this all out!

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MilaMae · 11/02/2007 20:51

H Triplets
Scream away. I'm guessing tears(yours) and a frank discussion isn't going to help to get you more support from dh. Why don't you sort everything out for the weekend tell him it's all sorted and you're going anyway. God a weekend away you really can't let that slip by, I could sooo do with one of those. Could try and tell him there that he really needs to help out more. I don't blame you for being annoyed my dp is supportive but he can be clueless at times. They really need gentle shoving in the right direction. Took our lot to a party this morning dp spent most of it drinking tea with the other dads while I stopped dd dancing her self sick, changing dt2 out of his squash drenched clothes etc, etc, etc all going on right in front of him !!!! Really feel for you,it's kind of reassuring isn't it when you read the other posts, good to know you're not alone.

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triplets · 11/02/2007 21:13

Thanks MilaMae,
It isnt all bad, just get soooooooooo frustrated at my age! All my friends kids are all grown up, they are free to come and go, I jsut sometimes feel sooooooo trapped. So a free w/end would be a real treat, guess our age gap is showing! Dont get much sympathy with my mum, she just says,"well you had them"!

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estar · 12/02/2007 09:59

Hi milamae, I have dts and ds 20 months older, so 3 boys within 2 years. I totally understand getting them in and out of nursery and now school since the eldest started in Sept. My oldest one is at a beautiful age now at 5, and don't have much trouble with him at all, but the twins are 3.5, and seem to be prolonging the whole terrible twos phase. Tantrums, running away, crying, refusing to walk - I recently pulled dt2's elbow out of joint becuase I was holding his arm so firmly to stop him from collapsing on the playground (seems to be a favourite trick of dts - jelly knees that buckle when you want them to walk so they just sit on the ground with a crafty gleam in their eye).

All the other parents with their well-spaced out single children seem to cope remarkably well, and mine just seem to take it in turns to scream and throw a tantrum EVERY DAY. Ppl must just think 'there she goes, that mother again'. Awful thing is that ds1 is such a dreamer, so as I'm pulling one dt along in order to catch up with other dt runaway, I'm having to shout over my shoulder at him to 'pay attention and keep up'!

Dh has it nailed whenever he does the school run - he keeps dts in pushchair, but they are too heavy for me and I can't manage round the corners. sigh

Not much advice there, but lots of consolation and sympathy. Occasionally muttering something about chocolate buttons does seem to help too.

I think twins are so much more aware that they can get away with stuff because we are always trying to do several things at once. They hide behind each other and see how far they can push the boundaries. Turns out when you're knackered and brain-dead from constantly trying to pre-empt them - very far.

Gosh, now I'm miserable. Time for a brew.

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estar · 12/02/2007 10:02

And at your mum triplets, it's not like you filled out an order form or anything!

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triplets · 12/02/2007 18:25

Well I suppose we did in a way, ivf, 3 embryos replaced, but after losing Matthew we were so very desperate to have more children, now today they are on holiday and have been as good as gold!

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triplets · 12/02/2007 18:27

Just seen your profile, your boys are adorable!

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MilaMae · 12/02/2007 19:37

E-star your pre-school run sounds exactly like mine!!! We have to wait for what seems ages in a thin corridor before the door opens, I never judge it right we're either late or too early either way we put on a good show for the whole town!!!!! I had been suspecting it was a multiples thing but was wondering if I was clutching at straws. I think they have extra confidence other kids don't have as they always have a little henchman to hand-bless them. Mine were IVF too and I'm thankful every day that I have them but it is hard at times. I think we're just hopefully coming to the end of terrible 2s for the boys and starting them with dd so it's a bit of a tricky stage the rain isn't helping. I just hate being so ratty all the time thought I'd be a laid back earth mother type-soooo not. Made any headway with the weekend thing Triplets????

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Mycupoverrunswithlove · 12/02/2007 19:50

Hi MilaMae,
I really sympathise. Like Estar I have a ds1 who is 20 months older than boy dts (4 last week and nearly 2.5)
I really struggle with my dts at times, in a way reading your post has panicked me, because I keep hoping it will get easier
Maybe not I think I know how you feel, sometimes I feel like I am a bit of a spectacle with my dts, watched with pity by Mums of singletons
My dts have much less freedom than ds1 did at their age. They do the crumpled keen effect and can well understand how estar pulled an elbow joint out, I wrench mine up and keep walking........
I shove them in the pushchair much more than i should for the above reason.
One of my dts sounds a bit like yours, as if he is a bit bored or frustrated who starts hittting people or throwing things and laughing fiendishly. You can see he is just doing it to stir things up.
Do you find that it goes in phases?
Good luck with it,and hopefully we will chat more on the other thread

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Mycupoverrunswithlove · 12/02/2007 19:51

not "keen" knee

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blodwen · 12/02/2007 19:56

It may help to take them out to parks etc as much as you can bear to. Take a flask of tea for yourself and let them run around there?

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MilaMae · 12/02/2007 20:29

Yes Mycup it does run in stages, strange isn't it. I think all that testosterone cooped up in a tiny house(mine) all afternoon when it rains is a bit to blame. Don't panick too much it wiil get better when the weather does. Some things have got easier-we're now down to a single pushchair and buggyboard!!!!!!I think Blodwen is right running off steam should help, I took mine out this afternoon and they were heaps better after. If I was rich I'd be signing up for loads of afternoon activities but I just can't so I'm thinking the park may well be my salvation. Think I'm just going to make them run off steam every afternoon with a flask off very strong espresso to help me keep up!!!!

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Mycupoverrunswithlove · 12/02/2007 20:31

Thats what i tend to do with mine, just exercise them like small puppies. I really notice a difference if they haven't been out at all

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controlfreakyandroses · 12/02/2007 20:36

i do think that exercise / being outdoors with any boys this age is vital and makes a real difference. dont have twins but 2ds's 20 months apart.... for a good while (3 - 5 or so) only way to stay sane was to get out of the house and tire them out. swimming / football / long walks etc etc. good luck!

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triplets · 12/02/2007 21:46

The only headway about our w/end away is being told to go on my own..............so will!

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controlfreakyandroses · 12/02/2007 22:02

enjoy!
dont phone to check all ok tooo often...

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blodwen · 12/02/2007 22:04

Love the 'small puppies' bit! It is very true though!

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triplets · 13/02/2007 14:01

Thats one thing I never do do is phone home, when I went away with some friends last year they kept saying "arent you going to phone"? If I was going to go away and worry about them I just wouldnt go in the first place, I am very good at switching off!

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beth07 · 06/03/2007 01:11

Get out with them as much as possible, i have two and a half year old twin boys and work in a playgroup- they do have so much energy but if you get the ballance between energy times and quieter times with dimmed lights etc, it'll get easier for everyone. Try not to order or nag, but I mean that as in your tone of voice- they dont like demands, but if you warn them what you expect and explain why in clear terms they'll get used to it. boys under 5-6 need a lot more warning before they're needed to do something. try to say 'nearly time for dinner' then 'dinners ready in 1 minuites!' then 'right! its dinner time, lets go! you can play with that when we've finished dinner.' don't be too quick to repremand aswell. When you find the situations are constantly powerstruggles or a tantrums, try to give them lots of choices in other parts of their life. try to show them you understand how and why they act/feel in a ceratin way: 'Im sorry that youre sad because you want to stay and play, but its time to go shopping now- you can help me choose which yohgurts we have this time because you might like the special purple ones, shall we see if we can find some?' Distraction is good! It's hard finding the right things to say but if you stop and think, what will help? what won't help? you'll be on the right track. you're not a crap mum, because you're on here wanting to make things better- bad mums are ones that dont care. You've said they are happy, so take advantage of the fact they are at a fun-loving imaginative time in their lives. all they need is you to be a bit of a play-mate and show you're someone who cares about how they feel and who they are, inbetween your housework etc, and remember to put aside time at night for yourself to be you and chill out. kids who go to sleep earlier and get more sleep will be easier to look after the next day. and one thing we all need to remind ourselves lots is that everyone including kids get stressed if they're hungry or tired- and sadly mums and young kids get tired easily!

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MilaMae · 12/03/2007 16:45

Hi Beth
Many thanks for your post and tips which are really helpful. I've been rushed off my feet so would have posted sooner. I do try the distraction thing and trying not to order(not easy)but seeing it in black and white is really useful. We've had a good few weeks what a difference no rain makes and a bit of sunshine. We've started to realise we're going to have to move to a bigger house sooner rather than later. We've been cutting down the ivy this afternoon so outside for most of it-heaven,I just can't do the sitting indoors thing with boys works with my daughter but the boys and I just have to get out. Got a hideous cold so spent most of the afternoon bellowing (rock throwing) but trying to step away from the guilt-I'm no superwoman. How do you stop yourself bellowing????? Mine are a bit older than yours but do you ever find they get frequent attacks of the sillies which are intensely annoying??? Anyway thanks again.

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