Has it ruined my marriage, my life?

[Shrimpy01]

Hi. I'm new to mums net and haven't posted on forums before. I just don't know what to do or who to turn to. I have 18 month old b/g twins and I feel like my marriage is over, I don't remember what the old me is like any more and I'm just miserable all the time.
Me and my husband have never been one of those couples that fight before but lately that's all we seem to be doing. I suffered from post natal depression when the twins were really small and it's only really recently felt better but I think perhaps it's starting up again. He is an amazing father and despite me thinking that I'd be the natural mother, he's by far more of a natural than me. He doesn't get stressed by anything and I get stressed by everything! But our marriage has gone from amazing to terrible in the last 18 months. He feels trapped and misses his hobbies and I feel the same but have resigned myself to the fact that I can't do the things I used to. He wants to have alone time at weekends but I feel jealous of that as I'm with the twins all week and want a bit of help at weekends. He's making me feel like I'm being selfish - I probably am - but being at home all day with twins is isolated and tiring and the thought of him going out at weekends too makes me miserable. I just can't help thinking that my decision to have children has made my life so far from what it used to be and if I lose my husband I don't know how I'll cope.
Does life get easier with twins? Do you ever regain a bit of your normal self? I'm worried that I'm going to lose everything that makes me 'me'! I just want to be happy and enjoy the twins and have fun as a family. But all I seem to do is cry in the day, and spend all evening on my phone or iPad to avoid talking to my husband.

[Finickynotfussy]

I don't want to read and run...it sounds like your husband is expecting you to do most of the heavy lifting (doesn't get stressed by anything...really?) so it's not surprising that you feel low. I think he is being unrealistic to think he can have significant 'alone time' when you have toddler twins, but would an hour or two each to do an activity separately at the weekend help cheer you both up? Limited free time should be fairly shared out -- looking after twins all week is a very hard job in itself.

[sj73]

I'm going to reply to this properly tomorriw but will quickly say that yes. It does get better. Having a baby is like having a hand grenade chucked at your relationship and having teo babies at the same time well...

Twins are hard especially at 18 months when they are running off in different directions. The first year is brutal as you know and all that sleep deprivation takes its toll and your relationship doesn't really have time to recover as you have new challenges chucked at you.

My advice:

At the weekends we tend to do 'shifts' over time with the whole family! Sounds sad but it works. I do the morning then he does the afternoon whilst I do my own thing ie gym, friends etc. he will play football. We both schedule in time for ourselves.

I really really try not to jump down his throat and indulge in pain Olympics about who's the most knackered. This is so very hard but I'm really trying and it helps!

My twins are 3 and are so much easier now! They play together, they are good company and can watch TV for long stints! I can finally do stuff without them being wrapped around my feet.



Hang on in there. It sounds like you have a good marriage. It is just being severely tested and it's all fixable.

[sj73]

Ps: are you crying a lot? Do you think you might be depressed?

[Hassled]

No experience of twins (although I have 4 DC).

You sound exhausted, and I'm not surprised. It is relentless, even with one, at that age. And you need support and you're not getting it.

Of course you need alone time at the weekends - and at the moment your mental health and well-being trumps his hobbies/desire to be alone.

If he won't listen to you, who can you get onside - his mother? A sibling? And yes - go talk to your GP. It does sound like you might be depressed, although it could just be the tiredness.

[Shrimpy01]

Thank you both for replying so quickly. Sj73, that sounds like you have a good plan that works for your family, do you still do things together as well? I think that is how my husband sees the future, I suppose I just feel that I'm happy to sacrifice 'me' time to spend time as a family (although I know deep down I'm probably not happy as I miss my old life too) whereas he feels differently. It makes me a little sad that he's fighting so hard for alone time but not for alone time for us as a couple - I'm scared that we don't have much left of the relationship we used to have. - the description of the hand grenade is so true!!! I never thought I'd be in the position where I wonder if my marriage is over and it's a really scary thought. I think my depression goes in cycles and it seems that it might be on it's way in again :-(

[Carriemac]

How often do young out together as a couple? When my DTs were small we had a sitter every Saturday night, it really helped us as a couple.

[neversleepagain]

Having twins is hard, very hard. Couples with one baby can share the workload and one person always gets a break. This doesn't happen when you have two newborns or two small toddlers. Couples with multiples experience more strain in their relationships than couples with singleton children and the divorce rate is higher among those with multiples too.
stress of parenting multiples

I know exactly what you mean, being at home with the babies all week is exhausting and you look so forward to sharing the workload at the weekend. It is normal for you to feel disappointed that DH may not be around to help you. Like the previous poster said, sharing the workload is a good idea. My husband works on a Saturday so we only have Sunday's to share the childcare. We each have half a Sunday "off" a month to sleep or do what we like. We both choose to sleep

I don't have any advice, our twins are 18 months old too and we are at a very difficult stage with them. But I keep reminding myself that it is nothing compared to the newborn stage.

I would go and see your GP, if you are crying a lot this could be a sign that you are depressed again.

It is tough work, hang in there :)

[Shrimpy01]

We used to have a date night every week, once we had the munchkins it stopped. I miss it terribly. I keep suggesting that we restart date nights as his parents are retired and can easily come to babysit but he doesn't seem to be as enthusiastic as me and keeps nodding but never asking them!

[Shrimpy01]

@neversleepagain - thank you, you seem to completely understand where I'm coming from! It must be really hard for you only getting one day to share the childcare, I find it hard enough with 2 days! I think I'm going to have to get my head around the 'shifts' and give each of us time out.

And yes, the testing time we are going through feels awful but you're right... newborn phase was horrendous and that's behind us now! There are definitely more smile worthy moments with them that ever before (ours have discovered giving each other kisses and cuddles!) and I should count my blessings that I have 2 healthy happy little ones.

[Carriemac]

Why don't you ask his parents? I also found it very important to go out and about every day, meet other adults at soft play, swimming, baby classes etc so I wasn't relying on an exhausted DH for adult conversation. I had 3 under 2, including DTs and it is hard but your marriage is important and keeping yourself well and happy and not consumed by day to day baby stuff is essential. Cold his parents come for a regular half day a week to help you with a swim class for example? Or out them in a crèche whilst you swim and have a coffee with a a friend?

[Shrimpy01]

Oh my goodness, 3 under twos! That must be such hard work! Well done you :-) yes I think doing something for myself would be great, and I love swimming! I've often thought about the crèche but when they were little I was worried that it'd make me look selfish! Now they are older I think they'd have a lovely time anyway! And I'd be refreshed from doing something nice. That's definitely something to look into. You are right, I could ask his parents - I just keep hoping he will want to spend time with me enough to do it himself! I suppose he is a man though and doesn't think like a woman ;-)

[thegirlinthesassyspace]

Definitely ask for babysitting so you can go out for a drink or cinema/meal once a week. I know what u mean about marriage - I don't feel like this anymore (it must have passed eventually) but I remember posting on mumsnet and saying how much I missed life before babies. We used to have lots of fun times and now life is very structured and often as you separate. But maybe -like the other posters have said - if u get a bit of 'me' time back you will feel better and more like yourself. Can you do something for yourself one evening a week? I go to a reiki night once a week (just for relaxation really as I've no idea how reiki works!) And my husband gets to jog every other night. Its still very diffeent life to before babies but I found doing stuff for yourself helped. At the weekend, we sort of do shifts e.g one morning I lie in, the next morning he lies in etc. On sundays, he goes for a jog while I push the buggy to the swimming pool, we meet there and take the babies swimming together. Then afterwards he walks the buggy back and I jog/go to the gym/go for a coffee etc.
Going back to the babysitting offers - definitely take the offers! We have only just started doing this too and I'm amazedd at how well our girls behave for other people! They are just under 18 months too. Good luck xxx

[FlyingGoose]

It is soooo difficult, my b/g twins are 19 months. Our relationship has undergone massive changed. We give each other a lie in one day a week, and try to spend regular evenings doing things together, eg, nice meal, wine and a movie. Babysitters are rare and we have virtually no intimacy due to tiredness and stress etc. it has taken many talks and effort to try to understand one another more. I do take anti depressants for my mood and am undergoing cbt. Things are getting better though. Definitely get a babysitter if you can and try and spend quality time together. it's a hard road but it can get better.

[IwishIwasmoreorganised]

I don't have twins, but my dsis does.

She found a local leisure centre that ran a crèche during normal working hours at a very reasonable cost. She got into the routine of booking classes and her ds's into crèche a couple of times a week. Because crèche was only for a couple of hours, she didn't feel bad (she wasn't comfortable with the idea of having them in childcare for longer sessions). Would something like that work for you?

How do they sleep? Would you consider asking a friend to babysit if you knew that they're likely to stay asleep if your and your DH get them to sleep. My sister and her friends have a babysitting circle which takes the pressure off asking one set of parents every time you want to go out.

My nephew's are now 8 and great friends. Things will get easier.

Xxx

[Shrimpy01]

We are finally talking - after a ruined Mother's Day where I was shouted at for wanting to go out instead of watching the F1 on tv!!! Of all the days! I'm so worried that we have so little left of the relationship. We are basically living in the same house and share children but other than that our lives seem so separate. I guess I'm scared that this might just continue to get worse and that we will drift so far apart that we won't be able to fix things. He's making an effort this week to talk more and ask me about me but inside I'm feeling like 'what's the point' in answering and taking and pretending that we are a happy couple when we aren't. It's so hard having children. I wanted them so badly it was making me depressed so we went through IVF and were successful first time. This makes me feel terrible as I know that some people try for years and have no luck and here I am with 2 beautiful children and all I'm doing is complaining - but it's just been such a strain on my mental health, marriage and finances etc. that I sometimes wonder what life would have been like without children. It's that dreadful realisation that it's not a dream and I need to step up and be a parent. I love them so much and wouldn't be without them now but just can't help wondering what my decision to have children has done to my marriage and life. @flyinggoose - do you think the antidepressants work? I'm tempted to go to the dr but just have always been sceptical.
@iwishiwasmoreorganised yes they do sleep once we've put them down for the night and using babysitters would be great I just don't want to push hubby into doing it if he's not interested.
@thegirlinthesassyspace - you seem to really have it sorted with sharing the time - I love the idea of doing something separate and together as a family all in one, we could easily do that swimming and he/I could jog there and other push them back home. Would be covering all bases!

[IwishIwasmoreorganised]

Bless you. You sound so down. Do you see your HV at all? Could you have a chat with her to see if they have any suggestions? Failing that have a chat with a GP that you have a good relationship with.

In terms of going out, what about going to the cinema? You won't have much time to be talking to each other then. It might be a way in to spending a little bit more time together without your dc.

Keep talking/typing though, getting it out can help to think through your choices.

Xx

[toomuchpink]

Shrimpy01 twins are really, really tough. I have a toddler and my twins are now two-and-a-half. Some of that stuff you say, about losing your entire sense of yourself, chimes big bells with me. But at least I knew from my first that it would get better - and it does. Even 20 months and going into better weather and seasons of less viruses will be an improvement I promise. Two is a magical age and they start to get into things which guys sometimes enjoy more like building stuff, or riding scooters. Don't get me wrong, two having the terrible two's at once can be really demanding, but there are so many more rewards
Perhaps you don't want to consider any part-time working, but it's no sin and can benefit everyone. It gives you a bit of adult time to feel like your old self and your children the chance to learn to be with others and play among a group of kids.
In terms of your husband, I wonder if he is having the same thoughts as you. Maybe he is a bit depressed. But I think a certain amount of acknowledging this bit is really hard on us both, but there will be a good bit worth hanging on for, might help. My husband and I still sometimes have Saturdays where we both get a bit of personal time each and then Sunday is family day. Not every weekend, but once or twice a month.
Hope this helps.