Comparison by MIL between me and SIL... Twins are a whole different ball game...

(16 Posts)
Scrounger Sat 21-Sep-13 09:28:36

Just wanted to give you a big hug and say hang on in there. It does sound as though your MIL is tactless rather than being intentionally mean. If so, come back with a 'jokey' comment, "I know, it must be nice / easy just to have one to nurse / look after etc". It slowly gets easier and you are in the thick of it at the moment. Could you DH take them for a night at the weekend and give you some uninterrupted sleep? I have a 6yo DS and 3 yo DTs, they all play together really well know (with the odd argument) and it is a fantastic relationship for all the children.

I have the judgey looks and comments from my SIL. Only she is comparing me to another twin mother who apparently is finding it a breeze - so I must be sadly lacking and should be more organised.

tiggersreturn Mon 16-Sep-13 22:38:01

Plus read libby purves how not to be the perfect mum. Not a twin guide buy my favourite guide to motherhood - the sergeant bilko method and guaranteed to get a smile.

tiggersreturn Mon 16-Sep-13 22:37:02

Those who have an easy 1st just have a bigger shock when the 2nd and far more badly behaved comes along (repeat many times - I've seen this happen with many friends). And easy babies are difficult at a different stage.

And you're doing an amazing job surviving with twins as survival is the only thing to aim for.

She's a wally.

My MIL keeps saying how like DH as a a baby DS is (i.e a nightmare), and so she knows just what it's like.

She conveniently ignores the fact that i have ANOTHER ONE. Exactly the same age.

and a job

Hmm and nod. Hmm and nod.

BeautifulTwins Sun 08-Sep-13 00:58:09

Hi there, i just wanted to say as a mother of 10 moth old twins, i do know what it's like smile I have v good twin groups that have helped, check out your local twin groups, I have a great support network. Www.twinsclub.co.uk they have links to your local groups.
Some of my good friends have 3/4 children now and they are so blasé about it all but I did remind some of them - remember how it felt when you had your first ever baby and then add the chaos that came with having multiple children - that's what it's like with twins, you have no time to perfect your parenting skills - for any new parent you are thrown in at the deep end but with twins your thrown in the deep end with rough water and no lifeguard! smile sorry rubbish analogy!
also did you know twin mums are 50% more likely to have pnd, you get double the hormones not just a bit more but 50% that's a big deal!
I have been suffering and my twinny mums have helped so much, have you found your nearest group locally?
Best best of luck with your beautiful babes smile
Xxxx

Swanhilda Wed 04-Sep-13 23:03:06

I read this and wanted to just give you a big hug and say that at six months you have had a long haul, and I think it only just dawns on one how hard it HAS been. Seeing someone else apparently breezing through is a very emotional, as if one has been cheated out of something that should have been much more enjoyable.

I suspect that your sister in law in only at the beginning of a long journey and your mother in law is probably worried that she will have a difficult time too/relieved that she doesn't show signs of PND etc, and she is articulating it in a rather unfortunate manner, when what she should be doing is tell you what a wonderful job you have done and how proud she is of you.

It does sound as if she was quite helpful though, so her bark is probably worse than her bite. She may also be one of those people that praises people behind their back to put down others, and she may even be telling your SIL how brilliant you were at managing the twins, making her feel a bit useless.

One way to approach the bad way she is making you feel is to try and remind yourself of happy moments over last six months and good memories you have had, and what you are proud of yourself for achieving. Believe me, there will be plenty if you turn it round in your head. Then you become invincible, and she cannot hurt you.

Enjoy the next few months and years.

Cerubina Wed 04-Sep-13 17:39:37

It would drive me bonkers too and I really resent feeling (or being made to feel) that I look less in control than someone who has a singleton.

Here I suspect there's a bit of daughter vs daughter-in-law dynamic going on here - mums naturally feel more able to help/advise their daughters on their grandchildren than they do their daughters-in-law. I see this in action in my husband's family - his step mum has four grandchildren from her sons/DILs and two from her daughter/SIL. The latter two are FAR more fussed over, it's noticeable and actually a bit irksome. Her daughter has always had soooo much help and assistance with her children, she has no idea how easily she's had it. I have a friend who would testify the same, that her MIL makes a massive fuss of her DD and not her DIL when it comes to offering childcare etc.

If it helps, she possibly regards you as being more capable and not needing so much reassurance - even though she's praising her DD she's essentially infantilising her isn't she?

Franykins Wed 04-Sep-13 09:28:15

Not the same situation but I am on my first pg and having twins, my sister who has two DC 7 & 5 said to me oh it can't be much harder than one! No I would never say having one baby isn't hard work, of course it is, but I am assuming twins is quite a bit harder. What if they don't nap at the same time and you always have one awake, you would end up with no time to yourself. I think some people just assume that it won't be much harder than one baby.

Goandplay Fri 30-Aug-13 21:30:12

Seriously?!

I am always going to look inferior to someone with one relatively easy DC.

MIL does know about PND and I've noticed she makes a number of 'oh I didn't mean it to sound like that! Oh you know what I mean' comments to me all the time. I said the other day DD had long legs and will probably take after MIL and DP and MIL said 'oh yes thank God... Oh GoAndPlay that came out wrong you know what I mean...'

I am frustrated and easily wound up the last couple of days it doesn't normally bother me.

Thanks everyone.

Goandplay Fri 30-Aug-13 21:24:53

Posted too early. I'm always going to l

Goandplay Fri 30-Aug-13 21:24:31

I feel like I'm always going to l

Nancy54 Fri 30-Aug-13 21:09:55

God how tactless! I have twins, they're my first and it is bloody difficult.

I don't think anyone can imagine what it is like tbh. I was blissfully unaware until I had them!

Does she realize you've got pnd too? If so, doubly tactless! She prob wasn't comparing, she's just proud of her daughter etc but grrr seriously mil, sort it out!

AngelinaCongleton Fri 30-Aug-13 18:28:43

Awwww. She shouldn't be saying that nonsense. I hope it's unintentional. Having second children never mind twins is a completely different thing. Ignore ignore ignore.

Wishfulmakeupping Fri 30-Aug-13 18:24:21

Ignore her everyone is different and I can only impinging how hard twins must be my 7 month old dd keeps me busy enough! Please don't take any of it to heart

Having twins makes you very organised and teaches you to cope with a lot of different situations!

Your MIL shouldn't say such stupid things. She hasn't had twins and has no clue what it is like. It is a stressful and difficult pregnancy often followed by a stressful birth that you have little control over and then you are thrown into sleepless nights and two crying babies. Anyone would find that hard work and stressful!

A singleton is indeed a very different ball game to twins!

Goandplay Fri 30-Aug-13 13:47:05

Just venting really.

SIL recently had her first baby (7 weeks old) and I have an 8year old DS and B/G twins 6 months old.

Was all at MIL yesterday and SIL left to go home and MIL was saying how well she was doing and how besotted she is with her DD and then went on to say how good she was that she has never asked MIL to babysit so she can sleep (MIL often babysat in early days of twins so I could do nights. DP didn't do anything at night) and was praising her for not having any signs of baby blues or PND (I was diagnosed with PND within 2 weeks of having DTwins).

I'm probably being touchy but I can't help feeling compared. It's not a fair comparison. SIL has plenty of non sleeping breaks to have hair, nails and various other treatments done and to run errands.

I feel frustrated and that having Twins will always make me look unorganised and barely coping even without the PND.

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