Hello all

Just come back from a weekend away and ....Well we have decided to start our trying in around May/ June 2010! Eeek!

Appleton- all I can think about now is that drink! LOL! I think i will at least try to loose some as I couldn't really afford to gain much more at the moment and if I can do something about it before and make it a bit easier on myself then I will. Plus I am sure that I will still be commuting up to London at that point too - and thats miserable whether you're pregnant or not!

How does the working FT work out for you? I would hope to go PT (maybe 3 days a week) but that would then depend on childcare from a nursery and possibly my mum who is all too keen to help!

Marsettina - thanks for your response.Yes I think that it probably is that she is quite a foolish person, the fact that she is close minded to start with probably means that people are put off of her when then in turn means that she has few friends. Chicken & egg! The comments that she makes about other minorities/ differences in people worry me equally as it goes against all of my principles.

Really pleased with the support & response on here guys. Thanks for your time.

I think there are a lot of ignorant people out there, but you have the unfortunate disadvantage that this is your sil. You say she does not have much friends, but it is not surprised if she makes stupid comments without thinking about it.

I'm black and dh is white, but we have been lucky that both are families are laid back and easy going, so we have never had any issues of colour.

I'm really not sure if she is racist or just a fool, who does not realise what she is saying. I think the other suggestions are all good, as if she is a fool, she may start to realise what she is saying upsets you. If she is a racist then she will continue and you know where you stand and keep her at a distant.

Hope it all gets resolved soon.

lizardqueenie, yep, can you tell I like a drink! I have some in the cupboard, actually, might get hubby to buy some Coke on his way home!

I honestly think your SIL will surprise you when a baby comes along - I bet she'll be really defensive if anyone else says anything about her niece/nephew.

My Mum was really concerned when I got pregnant. She was worried that my daughter would be bullied. Even now she's always saying "I saw a toddler out today that looked just like DD" (ie mixed race - it's as if she's only just realised there ARE mixed race kids out there!). But she's totally fine about DD being mixed race, and is amazed with her spiral curls.

I was going to try to lose weight before the next one, but just think it's doubling the diet pain, as I'll need to do it again on the other side! And babies are only expensive if you need to use a nursery / childminder - I've found all the other costs are manageable, but I work full-time and nursery costs are crippling!

Hi Appleton (Love ur name by the way)!

Thank you for your advice; I do hope that she will get over her views to the extent that it doesn't affect how she would treat my children or their relationship with their cousins.

Part of me just doesn't get it - as I mentioned its not like she has a big social circle or even like my husbands family are big so she is really not doing her own kids a favour, in my view children should learn about different people, different backgrounds, sexual orientation, disabilities and all other differences, because, Hello...thats how the world is!

So glad I have found a place to rant to here! Thanks guys. Baby conversation again last night, dh is v excited too, for me I am trying to loose a bit of weight beforehand and recently rejoined slimmingworld also want to pay off a couple of credit cards- i hear babies are expensive

Hello lizardqueenie. I wanted to reply to your thread as my husband is Jamaican and I'm white British.

We married very quickly, and I'm never sure whether it's this (we married before my family had met him) or race that was an issue at first. I never had any racist comments first-hand, but kind of know some of my more distant relatives were not happy at first.

We now have a 17mo daughter, and since she's come along there hasn't been any problems at all. Even those who were a bit "off" at first absoutely dote on her. So my advice is to have that baby ASAP! Though I can't guarantee it'll magically turn your SIL into a nice person!

Hello, thanks for your replies

Heated - yes I think the key is getting some support from my dh. We have had a few heated discussions over this, he says too much time has passed now to say anything about it (hmm) maybe, but for me its more about what happens in the future. His sister does seem to get away with quite a lot - really taking the mick out of her parents babysitting and other things yet everyone is too afraid? to say anything to her.

Still standing - lol! Yes she could be described as a witch! The thing for me is that I am still shocked that people like this exist, however naive that might sound I just think given her job/ living in London/ age etc surely she would be a bit brighter about it. Like you say I have given up "trying to be her friend" funnily enough straight after she started to make these comments, then as time when on I just got more and more distant from her - strange prior to that we did go shopping/ dinner etc together.

She recently had her ds christened (child no2)& my parents were invited - yes even my jamaican dad got an invite - and they were like - why arent you the godmother (she hasnt got many friends etc, not being mean but she just hasnt). I think my dh's parents were a bit disappointed that she hadn't asked me - I just looked at it practically and thought well it means that I wont feel obligated to ask her to be a godparent to my children. Think u are right about dealing with comments in the future - just calmly.

Not sure if she was trying to get a rise out of me but she is very aware of my background/ family - she was a bridesmaid at our wedding and nice as pie at that time.

Nightbynight - yes I like that idea, I think even if I just asked her to explain what she meant by her comments then she would hopefully engage her brain and think about what she is saying.

Really grateful for your replies everyone - nice to log in this morning and see.

I would take her up on every single comment, politely and not angrily. Mean people are not that stupid IME, they can keep their mouths shut if they know that they will be challenged.
My favourite technique is to ask innocent questions that get people to explain their reasoning in detail, and then pick holes in it. She'll quickly get tired.

Lizardqueenie, you sound absolutely lovely. Your SIL sounds like a witch.

I don't have any particularly great advice for you but wanted to post in the hope that a bump would encourage someone wise and helpful to come along.

In the meantime, my 2p's worth: as I said above it sounds like your SIL really is a piece of work and I worry that if you spend too much time trying to convert her and make her into a half-decent person you will be completely broken at the end with not much to show for your efforts. I think you need to face the fact that you are very different people and that she is never going to be your best mate.

In terms of actually dealing with the racist/offensive comments, I think you have to decide which battles you are going to fight and when a significant one comes along you need to remain calm and polite, explaining that her comment was unacceptable and offensive to you and ask her to stop saying such things in front of you. You also might mention that she might consider not saying them to others either as they are illegal and might get her into trouble, paticularly at work. You also need to get your DH on board so that it not always you taking things up with her.

Incidentally the comment re the boots sounds quite deliberately offensive - do you think she has particular issues with you or is trying for some reason to get a rise out of you?

So sorry you have to deal with this.

How unpleasant she sounds and a great advert for the profession

Thinking ahead, do you picture dh being very protective of his dcs and let her know precisely what he thinks? I find some of my FIL's views objectionable but it's my dh who mocks and challenges him.

Hello all

No babies as yet but we are looking to start in 2010 so have found this site funny & helpful.

Stumbled across the multi-cultural forum this evening and am so so pleased i did.

I am jamaican/ white english and dh is white english. I have been quite offended by some of the narrow minded comments that his sister has made in the past, which are really negative about anyone who is different from her, ranging from her not being able to stand ugly people, small comments on different cultures & names and even a comment about a childrens tv presenter who has one arm! No I never knew such narrow minded people of the 25-35 age bracket still existed either and to add insult she is also a primary school teacher in a fairly mixed school in london.

She made a comment a while back about not buying her daughter a certain style of boots and indicated that she didnt feel the style was particularly fitting for a 3 yo girl. She then went on to say how awful the shoes were and it "wasnt like her daughter was a black child". I was so shocked I almost fell off of the chair but at the same time so shocked I didnt say anything. DH says that he didnt hear her say it . I dealt with it in my own way later in some other conversation by reminding her that when I have children they are unlikely to be blonde but will be brown and look fabulous in all kinds of colours (looking at clothes at the time)but then felt quite cowardly for not saying something more direct after years of bullying and taking rubbish from people at school you hope when your an adult you would be able to deal with it head on.

Anyway, if your still reading (thanks) just wondered if anyone else has come across difficulties/ crap attitudes from their OH family and if so how did you deal with it?

many thanks