Miscarrying but had to go to a funeral - advice?

[Sunnydale]

Hello. I'm at a funeral, but started miscarrying this morning just before setting off. I was 7 weeks pg, but a scan yesterday showed an empty sac of 4- 5 weeks, from which I presume the bean must have died a couple of weeks ago. My question: will I harm myself by not being in bed? Do I need to see a dr? I know it's not ideal, but I couldn't miss the funeral and I also can't tell DH, whose father has just died. I've told nobody in RL, which is why I've snuck away to post on MN. Would appreciate advice as feel v alone and v freaked out. Pain not too bad and blood flow heavy but not alarmingly so. The main stress is pretending I'm fine, when all I want to do is curl up in a ball. I can't tell my DH's family today, when they have just buried their father. Thanks for any advice

[cornsilk]

You need to look after yourself here sunnydale. Of course you can go to bed.

[cornsilk]

Sunnydale are you near home? Tell your dh that you don't feel well. People will understand.

[gothicmama]

you should be ok you can take paracetemol etc. if there are clots or you feel not right please phone NHS direct for advice, is there any way you can excuse yourself , does dh know anything about what is happenning, you will need some support be kibd to yourself

[CMOTdibbler]

I'm so sorry Sunny - both for the loss of your baby, and for the loss of your FIL.

You won't hurt yourself by not being in bed - makes no difference at all.

You don't need to see a doctor unless the pain is unmanageable, or you are soaking through a pad in less than an hour. And then if you are bleeding significantly for more than a week, or if at anytime there is an unpleasant smell.

((hugs)) for you dealing with on your own

[sazlocks]

oh you poor love. I am not able to give you any health advice and hope someone will be along shortly. Just wanted to respond to your post and offer sympathies for your loss and the loss of your FIL.

[daisyj]

First of all, so so sorry for your loss. I have been there, so know a little of what you are probably going through. It's very brave of you to go through this alone. I hope you'll be able to share with someone in RL in the next few days.

On a practical level (I'm not medically qualified, so can only go by what you have said and what I know from my own experience) I don't think you'll do yourself any harm by not being in bed. However, I would definitely see a doctor in the next few days to make sure that there are no 'retained products' as they rather horribly call it, which could cause infection.

I hope you won't mind my adding that my DH has just come in and said that he would hate not to know, so maybe you could tell your DH later tonight. Might do you good to have a cry together.

Can I send you un-mumsnetty hugs? Hope you'll be able to come back and let us know how you are. Wishing you the very best.

[Northernlurker]

I can't believe you are having to deal with this alone

Had you told your dh about the pregnancy at all? If so then actually I think you should tell him about the loss now. It simply isn't fair to keep him in ignorance and I think he would rather now than think everything was ok when it wasn't. If you haven't told him about the pregnancy then I can see why you don't want to do it now but you need support and you need to get through this together and I'm not sure today could be much worse for him anyway.

If you really don't want to tell anybody though then just fake a migraine - people will understand that you have to go lie down with that and stress and grief is a known trigger for that. You are being very brave but you don't have to punish yourself.

[flowerybeanbag]

So sorry You will be fine not being in bed. I unfortunately had to go to a birthday celebration for my MIL in the same position.

Please please tell your DH as soon as you can.

[catinthehat2]

I had to go to a wedding.

Can you start having a monster "migraine" and have to get a cab home asap? You will probably be looking a bit pale, so it will be convincing.

Really sorry.

[Sunnydale]

Thanks for all your advice. My DH does know about the pregnancy but believe me, you don't tell someone you're miscarrying when they're about to deliver their father's eulogy in front of 100 mourners. And now he is a bit drunk, so I can't tell him either. "Hi, I know you've just buried your dad and are a bit pissed, but here's some more bad news". I think it can probably wait till tomorrow, though agree its not ideal and feel bad he is unaware of what's going on. Can't go home as in middle of countryside, but am upstairs feigning tiredness, although not feigning as do feel understandably s**t. Not sure what to do now. Stay here hiding till bedtime? No idea. What a crappy thing to be happening. Feel v sorry for self. But much sorrier for DH. It's funny, isn't it. Funerals for people who lived but no code of conduct for miscarriages. I feel like two people have died; one who never even got to live at all

[CMOTdibbler]

I'd go downstairs for a bit to be with DH and have a few stiff drinks. Drink to your babies life, no matter how short it was, and to FILs life. You'll never forget either of them

[CMOTdibbler]

I'd go downstairs for a bit to be with DH and have a few stiff drinks. Drink to your babies life, no matter how short it was, and to FILs life. You'll never forget either of them

[Northernlurker]

Of course you know your own circumstances best and with what you say about the eulogy etc I can see why you haven't told him. Just - that is very hard on you.

When a loved one dies part of what we grieve for is the lost future we might have had. In that sense a miscarriage is the very sharpest kind of bereavement because you lose any chance of any future - and haven't even had much chance to enjoy being pregnant. It's a lot of change in a short period of time, coupled of course with really tough physical circumstances. Just get through tonight. Tomorrow ther's probably a lot of crying to be done and maybe you and dh can think of something to mark your loss? If you have a garden and won't be moving any time soon then you can get a tree or a rose or something. If that's not your thing then maybe at the weekend you can go for a walk somewhere beautiful as an act of remembrance. Today had 'rules' for marking the loss of your fil didn't it and miscarriage doesn't have those 'rules' but you can and should mark it in some way for you both. Just want to say again - I think you've been very brave.

[Sunnydale]

Northernlurker, thank you so much for your lovely words. They are v poetic, and v true. You put it so much better than I could have.
I told my DH this morning. It was v hard on him but I felt so relieved not to be keeping such a sad secret. I am home at last and have been crying, though I need to cry more as it is all bottled up from yesterday. It is a lovely idea to plant something in memory.
Honestly, I can't thank you enough for your kind words. They mean a lot, and I felt less alone yesterday because of you and everyone else who bothered to post on this thread. God bless Mumsnet xx

[Northernlurker]

Glad you and dh are supporting one another - must be so hard for you both. It's good as well to know that what we all posted yesterday was helpful to you, thanks for posting that too.

How is the pain and the bleeding today - are you still coping ok with that?

[BFQi]

Sunnydale, am so sad for you.
I think you handled yesterday with such kindness and dignity, though.
Hope you can carry on looking after each other well.

[Sunnydale]

Ah, thanks BFQi. Northern, the pain is not too bad now, though I'm still bleeding, but I take this to be a good sign as what I'm v anxious about is avoiding a D&C (is that the right term?). I'd prefer it all to happen naturally. I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow morning, which I'm dreading, as she can be a bit lacking in the TLC dept. I have so many questions, though. Although MN is better at answering them than my Dr, as at least you get a consensus on MN. The hardest part for me will be waiting for AF, and feeling in limbo. What kills me is trying to accept that in reality, it will be at least a year before I have a hope of falling PG again: that's how long it took since last time, and at 39 that makes me panic. Not because of my age per se, but because my eggs are obviously poor quality for my age (even though my bloods 6 months ago were good). Sorry, I'm waffling. I'm in the "trying to keep busy" stage of grief. My poor DH is asleep - I think it's all too much for him.

[CMOTdibbler]

I hope that the Dr manages some TLC - some can be complete twunts though.

You do know that you don't have to wait a cycle to TTC again though - as long as your mc was complete you can TTC straight away, and there is some evidence that women are more fertile after a mc. My DS was concieved straight after my third mc and ERPC (the better description of what used to be a D&C), so you never know.

[Northernlurker]

It may happen more quickly than you expect but I think it's sensible to prepare for a long wait.

I know it doesn't feel like it now but the fact that you got pregnant in the first place - however briefly and this loss is terribly unfair- well the fact that you got pregnant at all is a really good sign for your future hopes. Miscarriage is very common at any age and it doesn't mean your eggs are poor quality. Something went wrong with this time, you'll never know what but there is lots to be hopeful for still. Maybe not now - but in a little while . I'm not surprised your dh is asleep - this must be draining for you both.

Did you try acupuncture before falling pregnant? I believe that has been associated with boosting fertility and frankly even if it doesn't do anything, it's a way of taking time for you, having someone focus on you and giving yourself a bit of a boost. Wishing you lots of luck.

[Sunnydale]

Hi Northern. Thank you for another kind message. I didn't try acupuncture but I did have reflexology, and it really worked in getting my cycle back to normal after the last incident (though I didn't get AF for 3 months). Hopefully it will return more quickly this time.
I went to see the Dr this morning and she as good as said that yes, my egg quality was declining but that if I wanted another child I should still try. Thanks, doc! She said there would be no point doing blood tests, which is strange as I thought there was one you could do on day 3 of AF that was useful in checking hormone levels and therefore an indicator of egg quality in some way. Not sure I trust my dr! Think she is trying to save NHS money by just telling me to get on with it! Ah well. Onwards and sideways...

[Northernlurker]

How are you doing today?

I don't know about the blood tests tbh. I do think some doctors are reluctant to push too much investigation because the investigation then becomes an end in itself iyswim and it may actually be better for the patient to say 'right that was just one of those things' and to proceed in hope. If you are the sort of person who needs to know though what's happening then that's not very helpful. There is a poster on here who got blood results which were dreadfully bad - real pack your bags and forget it stuff and then got a BFP on her next cycle. Stranger things have happened. Good luck.

[HeadFairy]

Hiya sunny I may have missed this if you asked about it on our other thread.... however, the test my gp did for me was a cd21 test to check I was ovulating normally and I was producing enough progesterone to sustain the pregnancy. I did have the cd2 together with the cd21 test ages ago, but my gp said the most important one was the cd21 one. Perhaps that's what you were thinking of. Don't lose heart, you will be able to have a baby, I can feel it in my bones!

[saintlydamemrsturnip]

You won't need a d&c as you are bleeding anyway. I had a mc at 8 weeks naturally - they just scan after a few weeks to make sure the womb is clear.