Has my friend been let down by her pregnancy care team?

[lucyellensmumisgreat]

My poor friend. She lost a baby on xmas eve, the wee mite had died at 7 weeks and she miscarried at 11. Not long after she fell pregnant again, but not long into the pregnancy she started bleeding. She has been looked after by what she called the "early pregnancy unit" and had frequent scans especially when the bleeding became heavy. Was told the baby was developing well, but that the bleeding was worrying but under control. I am assuming that she has just been transferred to the "normal" midwifery team. She told me that her midwife didnt want to even examine her, and asked her if she had seen a "doctor" yet. I don't think she had, so this woman (my friend said she was horrible, but i suspect she was just following protocol) refused to do any more with her until she had been seen by a consultant.

It sadly has transpired that the bleed in the uterus had caused a problem that led to too little fluid around the baby and that had affected his lung development. She had to give birth to him at 20 weeks - his funeral is next week

I can't help but wonder if this shouldn't have been picked up before? Why hadn't she seen a consultant, why was she just sent home, signed off work but has a lively 4 year old to look after. I didn't say anything to my friend because i guess the outcome would have been the same, but what breaks my heart is the fact that she has carried this baby for so long, got really attached to him and was starting to think that actually, things might be ok.

All along i have been a bit about the fact that she has been just left to "see how things develop". I can't shift this nagging feeling that a lot of heartbreak could have been spared (i know that miscarriage at any stage is tragic) but my friend had to give birth to her dead baby and that will stay with her forever.

I wont voice my opinions to my friend of course, as whats the point but i can't help but wonder.

[whomovedmychocolate]

It is really sad and I'm sorry for your friend, but even with high risk pregnancies it's rare for consultants to bother seeing women till 16 weeks at the earliest because so many babies are lost before this time and there's not a lot that can be done about it because in a lot of cases it's genetic.

I've had two miscarriages, in retrospect and after a few years, I can understand that there was nothing that anyone could have done and while it would have been nice for the staff at the various hospitals and GP surgeries to have taken a bit more time, I can see it's better they spend an extra five minutes checking the mum to be who's baby they can save, than looking after me because nothing could be done to change anything

[lucyellensmumisgreat]

I am sorry for your losses too wmmc. What you say makes sense.

My friend wants to try again, i am hoping she lets her body recover a little first. Apparently the miscarraiges were unrelated and she does have a child already, so hopefully she will have a happy ending one day.

[whomovedmychocolate]

There's a book called 'Miscarriage, the good news' which might help her - it explains why they happen and is quite encouraging about outcomes.

I think the hardest thing is though when your miscarriage is when you already have a child, you know the love you feel and the joy a child brings and so you've lost a real tangible person rather than just a potential baby.

[lucyellensmumisgreat]

Thanks for that - i will suggest it to my friend. I just feel so unable to help or empathise, i can't imagine what she is going through, I can, but i can't - iyswim. My DP says i shouldnt "interfere", but i didn't want to be one of those friends who "disappear" when something like this happens simply because i feel a bit rubbish about how to deal with it.