Miscarriage and what hapens after

[Whatwillstaydown]

I lost my baby a year ago (14th April 08) at 8+3 weeks. I found out at the dating scan at 9 weeks, when we were advised there was no heartbeat. After trying to communicate with a foreign student doctor we were handed some pamplets on the options and a telephone number to go in the next day for an ERPC.

I was lucky in that my private medical insurance paid for me to visit the local Nuffield, where a patient consultant scanned me again and confirmed the baby had died. I went in two days later for the operation, fully believing that I couldn't cope with a natural process. And to this day I still believe that.

However, what happened next is still upsetting me to this day and I am wondering if any body else had this experience?

Our local health authority arrange for miscarried babies to be cremated. We were advised at both hospitals that the NHS hospital would be in touch shortly to advise when this would happen. After 4 weeks of chasing this, we were told that the remains were still waiting for testing to be done to see if it was a molar pregnancy. This was the final straw for me and my lovely husband took over the daily calling.

He eventually was advised that the service would take place the following week at 9 am and we were welcome to attend. We both felt we needed to say goodbye and made arrangements to go. A confirmation letter from the hospital arrived with the details

When we got there we went into the crem but they weren't aware of us coming as the hospital had told them no one would be attending. They had already cremated our baby earlier in the morning.

As you may understand, we were devistated and on investigation, the hospital blamed us for not telling them we were going - even though we have a letter from them. I lost the will to fight and gave up.

I am now 12+5 after trying for 9 months to conceive again. I have made arrangements to travel to another hospital to have this one as I couldn't face the local one - even though the standard of care from the local midwife seems to be lacking now I have made the decision.. I should be happy, I have had three scans (private, dating and nuchal fold) seen my baby swimming around waving at Mummy - but all I feel is anger and regret I didn't act futher on my little beans behalf. I need to say goodbye.

I would really like to hear from other mums/dads who went through something similar or was this a mistake?

[SparklingSarah]

I understand the need to say bye but to be truthful I think you need to move on here.

Could you arrange a ceremony sure a local priest will oblige.
I planted a primrose for my first loss and said my byes and felt that sufficient.
my second I again planted a flower and felt that ok.
I never had any ashes or a cremation.

Also I think counselling would help here.

[AnyFucker]

I have taken a long time to reply to this as it would be easy to word it badly. I probably still will

Now Sarah has replied, I think I can too.

You are pregnant with your 2nd baby. Things are looking good so far (crosses fingers for you). You have to look ahead now. That doesn't mean you will forget your 1st potential child, but that you can remember the pain and hurt and make this one all the more precious.

Do something, anything to mark the loss of your pregnancy and look to the future. It is hard, I know, but nothing can change what has happened.

Your hospital sounds very unusual in arranging ceremonies for babies lost to miscarriage. After my two, I think the remains were just flushed away. Sorry, that might be un-necessary for me to state, but it is the truth. Sad, but true.

The mismanagement of this occasion has made it worse for you, no doubt.

Time to move on.

[Mummyfor3]

So sorry you are still feeling your loss and how things were managed so acutely, but congratulations on your current pregnancy.

Like the other posters I feel to be kind to yourself and this unborn baby, you need to find a way to make your peace with what happened and concentrate on what is happening NOW.

You could plant a tree?
Name a star?
Let a balloon rise?

I am sure there are lots of other ideas out there.

For me (I had 4 early MCs, thankfully also 3 DSs) it helped me to think of my losses as lost pregancies, not babies; I know words are just that: words, but it allowed me a bit of detachement.
I still think of them, remember some of the due dates that never were, and am most whistful towards the one loss that would have been a girl, however I do not consider myself a 4x bereaved mother - I do not think I could stand that .

Have you considered some counselling? Do you have family/friends/confidants you can truly tell how you are feeling?

[ChocFridgeCake]

I am sorry you are feeling so bad at what should be a happy time, with the new pregnancy.

Could it be that you are not able to let go of this because it is the last contact you have with the baby? Do you feel disloyal that if you leave this matter you are leaving your baby, when you feel you let him/her down already? (which you didn't, it was not your fault).

Not everyone would care to chase the details of the cremation and service for those 4 weeks like you did, and not everyone would care to attend a cremation. YOU did, because you were doing your best for your LO. You did the best you could by your little bean and you haven't let them down, quite the opposite, you were as there for them as anyone could possibly be.

Or possibly you are focussing your anger on the hospital because it helps detract from the pain of your loss?

Would it help if you contacted the hospital to explain you don't feel that you have been allowed closure because of what happened, and ask if you could attend again to meet with the person who conducts the services to ask if they could say a few words? Revisiting the scene, although painful, might allow you to let event go into the past, while you carry forward the cherished memory of your LO along with your hopes for the future.

I hope you find peace x

[Granny23]

I am trying so hard to find the right words here so as not to upset you further. It seems that the hospital, whilst trying to offer you a wee bit of ceremonial closure, messed up, leaving you with a feeling of failure as you were unable to complete the 'proper' ritual. Most hospitals do not arrange cremations like this and many miscarriages take place at home or elsewhere. For instance, my own MC bean went down the toilet, we are talking about something so small at that stage. So for most of us there is no official ceremony, form filling or procedures to follow. One day you are pregnant, the next day you are not. It is only a big, never to be forgotten event for ourselves and our closest friends/relatives. You were promised something that might help you come to terms with your loss and then did not get it. No wonder you feel let down, left ahnging. But please not GUILTY. You obviously gave your lost baby great respect and love and grieved for what might have been - there is no more you could have done.

I fully understand why this is troubling you now. I was racked with guilt when I conceived again as if every time I felt joyful about the new pregnancy I was being disrespectful of the one that was lost. This is, of course, entirely irrational but that is hard to accept when dealing with pregnancy hormones. Plant a tree, go visit where the ashes are scattered if you think that might help, but really your lost bean will live on forever in a small corner of your heart. I found it helped to give him a name (one my DH would never have allowed in RL) and I think fondly of my 'nearly' son.

[SmilingEi]

hi,
im so sorry you are still struggling to come to terms with your loss
i agree with what others say that maybe now is the time to put this to bed. i know how hard that is unfortunately i have had 4 MC 1st at 14 weeks, 2nd and 3rd at just over 5 weeks and 4th last week at 6 weeks the most traumatic imo for me was my first MC as it was so terrifying (it was a natural loss) and i have flshbacks still despite it being almost 7 years ago i MC in hospital and was not even offered as little as a leaflet and i think that may be one of the factors in my difficulties
i think that as it has been mentioned, you are directing your angr and grief toward the hospital and that is stopping you from dealing with your feelings effectively i would suggest planting some spring bulbs or a small tree if you have a garden and have a little ceremony of your own.
this might be thetime to move on with your new pregnancy (congrats btw) and start afresh with your positivity from this new baby
i hope you find your way to closure soon xx

xx ei xx

[SparklingSarah]

You do get to a stage where you feel "safe"
pregnacy is a joyous wonderful experience - if you let it.

I can say here and now please cherish it
you'll mis it when you are not.

I had my daughter who is now 7 and spent the time fretting and after she was born I regretted not enjoying it!
I lost one at 17 weeks and naturally very devastated took a while to move to the next level where I coudl think without crying and see it as a loss and not a shoulda been

I lost another at 7 weeks - truthfully didn't know I was pregnant til the day before I lost it so that was aroller coaster!!

We decided to roll with it and started TTC
I fell pregant with my son who will be 1 at the end of the month.

I cherished most of the pregnancy
a year on I do miss my bump!

take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[ganda]

Hi SmilingEi..
I could never imagine you've had 4 mc's and you are still so positive about life. I've had my first last week also at 6th week. It was so hard since we have been trying for almost 2 years now. but I promised to remain at peace with myself and God, nobody wants this to be happening... I hope soon we'll both have successful pregnancies...
keep the faith and the positivity!!!

[SmilingEi]

ganda i just think of my DD and of what i went through to get her and i know that i will get what i want eventually (my DC#2) and it will be all worthwhile no matter what it is that i have been through to get there. it it very hard to stay positive during the worst times and believe me i am not all happiness and light 24/7 but it definitely helps staying focussed
im so sorry about your loss i hope you are feeling ok and you are getting the support you need xx
xx ei x

[hoops997]

hello,

Having read through your thread, I would like to add my thoughts..........

I work at my local Crematorium ad we have a Babies services on the last Tuesday of every month for all the babies lost in that month........we have a lot of feedback about this and a lot of people have said that it helps which the grieving process..........is there anyway you could contact the Crematorium and ask where the ashes were scattered? We have a special place called 'The baby Garden' where there is a little fountain and a butterfly sculpture........if you do found out at least you can go back and place flowers/plaque for your little one, I know it isn't as good as attending the service and actually saying goodbye but it may help if you have somewhere you can go and think........I truly am sorry for your loss......congratulations on your new little bean waving at you

[Inshaaf]

hi I'm new here. just joined.i lost my twin babies 31 MARCH 09 at 13 weeks.because my babies had heart beats already my religion makes it compulsory to have a burial services. after my D&C at the hospital i told the doctors not to take my babies away as i had to take them home with me. i opted for no testing on them & we just signed release papers & took them home. that same night after sunset we went to the cemetary to bury them. and i will never regret doing that. i have visited the cemetary almost every week since. i can understand your frustration as you needed some sort of closure but remember there might not be a tombstone or grave that you can visit but your baby is still where it needs to be. up in heaven smiling down at you. rather prepare yourself for your new little one thats on the way. good luck & hope all is well.

[ruddynorah]

i'm so sorry you've had such an ordeal. i'm glad you've had some helpful replies already.

i wonder was the cremation at the nuffield or somewhere else? did the nuffield perhaps get your hopes up regarding the cremation and ceremony? i think it's quite unusual to suggest the hospital do a service and cremation for the parents. this doesn't take away from you wanting this, but i just wonder how it was explained to you.

i had a missed miscarriage followed by an erpc last year. this was at an nhs hospital. i remember the forms i filled in said if i wanted a full cremation or burial or service i could have the remains to do this, otherwise the hospital would take the remains. i think this was because it was before 24 weeks, and it would have been different had it been over 24 weeks as then it would have been registered as a death. i was ok with this. we all deal with miscarriage differently of course. i saw it as an unsuccessful pregnancy, rather than a baby that had died.

mine turned out to be molar. so that brought with it a whole new set of feelings. i'm now pregnant again, about 14 weeks. and only in the last week or so have a really felt i could relax with it and enjoy it. certainly at each scan i didn;t look at the screen, just in case.

i hope you can relax soon too and enjoy your pregnancy .

[Jacanne]

I am sorry for your loss.

I am just recovering from a missed m/c - I went the natural route and had mine at home. I was supposed to collect anything that I passed and take it in to the hospital but we took the wrong thing (basically a very large blood clot). So my baby went down the toilet and I feel absolutely terrible about it. What has made me feel better is buying a plant for the garden to rest on the drain cover. I have also brought myself a necklace with a tiny silver forget-me-not on it so that I have something to remember the baby by.

I can understand your need to say goodbye, perhaps you could do this in a private ceremony in the garden.