missed miscarriage, still not coping

[mandaJay]

I really wish I had known about this site when I first lost my baby It might of made it a bit easier. Well better late then never.

about a year ago I was living in Ireland with my fiancee,on a working visa, Im from Australia,he's Irish.

Anyway found out i was pregnant 4 months before i was due to go back home. I was on the pill so we were a bit shocked but happy.
A few years before this i had a miscarriage but was only a few weeks gone. So was a bit freaked out, turned out i was right to be.
any way had some bleeding and had scans at 6wks everything was fine doctors couldn't figure out why, to be honest they didn't seem to care, had another scan at 11 weeks everything was fine then as well, was told to come back in a couple of weeks. We had organised for me to fly home a week later and wanted to check everything was fine before getting on the plane.
So the nurse did the scan and told me she had bad news and she couldn't find a heartbeat, I swear it felt like she had smacked me i was in such shock. Then to top it of she gives me a phamplet about miscarriage (she was so formal) and makes me wait in a room on my own for an hour.(of course this would be the only ultrasound that my partner wasn't able to make So i sat there on my own till he arrived bawling my eyes out.
finally we were given a room in the hospital i asked for a d+c and the nurse said we would have to wait a while, in the mean time a doctor came in to see us and said he was going to insert a tablet to help 'soften' everything up for the d+c. An hour later i started getting severe cramps like ccontractions, they came in waves, found out after the tablet helped bring on labour, they obviiously had no intention of doing the d+c. So i had to give to birth not in a normal way either, would you believe over a bed pan on the toilet!!! It was the worst feeling ive ever had. I still have flash backs about the feel of passing the baby.

Im sorry, i know im having a major whinge and rambling a bit, i guess it just helps to be able to share with people who have been through this, my partner is great and my family try but none of them have suffered a mc before.

does the pain ever go? iv'e tried counselling but it wasn't really for me.

[chubbymummy]

Hi Manda.
I had a missed miscarriage in October after a year of ttc. I found out at about 9 weeks that my baby had died at 6. I then had to spend an agonising week waiting to have an erpc (they wouldn't do it straight away as the heartbeat can't always be seen until after 6 weeks and they had to be sure I hadn't just got my dates wrong - I hadn't!) If things had turned out differently my baby would have been born this week, Friday to be exact since I would have been having a c-section I know the exact date he/she would have been born. I was desperatly hoping to have fallen pregnant again by now but no luck which makes it even harder to deal with.
I don't think that anyone understands the pain (physical and emotional) of miscarriage unless they have experienced it themselves. Missed miscarriage is especially traumatic and I think that if I am blessed with becoming pregnant again I will never truly relax during the pregnancy, wondering if my baby is still alive inside me or if history is repeting itself. Sometimes I feel that it would be for the best to give up ttc altogether but at the same time I can't move on from the miscarriage until I have a baby in my arms.

[luckywinner]

Hi Manda, sorry to hear about your news. I have just had a miscarriage (friday) and it is such a sad experience. Don't feel like you are whinging, sometimes it is good to whinge. Its horrible and it doesn't seem like you were looked after very well. Look after yourself and stay on this site. Like you I wish I had found it when I had my first miscarriage.

[deanychip]

Hi, I had the same thing a week ago.

That was my 4th.

My head is all over the place, and i have been waiting for clarity to enter my head and i think it has today.
First time i have got up and cooked something today.

Even thinking about running the hoover over and a bath later, these are good thoughts in comparrison to the thoughts that have been in my head over the last week.

Not helped by the fact that i have continued to have pain, so am taking painkillers that send me to another planet.

Every day is hard, trying to not let the sadness take over every single moment of every single day.

I too still have that "feeling" of passing the baby etched into my soul.

Never had councelling, just kinda think about stuff in my head and set myself goals, daily, weekly, sometimes even just half a days worth of things to do.
Not a depressive person by nature, this is totally out there for me to feel like this.

What are your thoughts on the future?

[mandaJay]

Tanks everyone i am so sorry you all have been through this too.

How amazingly sad is it there is so many of us on here that have been through such a horrid thing

deanychip i never wanted to get councelling my family pretty much made me it didn't do much for me but you never know it might be good for you, all of you actually.

And to everyone the one thing that has helped a small bit is on the 1 year anniversary me and my partner went and picked out a little plant nothing to pretty as it was a boy. We planted it in the garden surrounded by 2 fake birds. It made it easier as now i have somewhere to go when im upset. He was burried in ireland ,they bury everything over there.

Have any of you had that feeling where you just seem lost? Thats how i felt i just needed somewhere to go to feel close to him.
It has helped.

So maybe if you all found something to help commemorate the babies you've lost it might help to ease the pain but only
when your ready it took me just over 6 months before i could even look at the ultrasound pictures i was given, even now i have them put away and barely look at them.

As to the future,we have started to try again.my partner was holding back as he was quite affected too. I was ready pretty much straight away.
Not to replace him,but i just couldn't and still can't move on until i have a baby

Deanychip, its quite normal to feel like you do. But if you can't cope on your own and you feel your sinking lower,talk to some one even if its a friend or family member. Or come on here and ill chat

Thanks everyone, my heart goes out to all of you.Xxxx

[fruitytoot84]

Hi I'm so sorry to hear about all ur losses I'm also am experiencing a silent miscarriage my symptoms just stopped I would be 11 weeks now but last weekend I started bleeding rang u p u and said it can be normal after intercourse sorry bout tmi so I'd to wait 3 days and I went for a check up scan I had to have internal scan for her to then tell me my baby had no heartbeat and stopped growing at 8 weeks was given 4 options I wasn't really paying attention my world just fell apart I decided I just wanted to go home part of me thought it was a mistake and she was wrong then on Monday night I started having the worst pain ever really bad belly cramps I then passed my baby one of the hardest things to do I really don't understand why me I wanted this baby so much it's not fair I decided to bury my little one in my garden I had a panic attack during but my angel is resting at peace I just feel so emotinally drained and how long does this feeling last I feel ill never get over this ????xx

[chelle792]

fruity you're not alone. I bled after sex and was told not to worry. I decided to book a private scan as nhs refused. So Wednesday the lady said no heart beat and baby was showing at 6 weeks growth (I'm 11 weeks). I miscarried Thursday eve.

It was hideous and today I have to go to the hospital to make sure that everything is gone. I'm dreading it

[Bdunta123]

Hey all. So I finally miscarried this week. Thought I'd share my experience as it's good to reflect but also found reading all these personal stories so reassuring. Hopefully this will give other people some guidance on what they might expect etc.

So private scan on 29/4 should have been 10w6d. Scan measure 6w6d. Knew dates couldn't be wrong as had positive test on 10/3. I was devestated. Had all the pregnancy symptoms. I got referred to early pregnancy unit for a scan but they made me wait 9 days to the following Monday 8/5 as they wanted to compare growth in case dates were wrong.

It was the longest week of my life. Real emotional ups and downs. I decided not to go to work tues-fri, as a PE teacher didn't want to get caught in a lesson on a field with no toilet facilities nearby. It filled me with dread. There was also an element of shame as a handful of people new and I wasn't ready to tell anyone the sad news. The whole time I was at home I was obsessing over what an MMC was, what will happen in an MC, whether my dates could be wrong, what my options were. I have to say the waiting around was worse than the actual MC for me. I wanted to have the d&c as quickly as possible as I was petrified of miscarrying naturally at home.

I had cramps off and on the week building up and all my pregnancy symptoms disappeared four days after the first scan and the sad news. Interesting how body catches up once brain knows. The next bit has a bit more of the gorey details (I found this helpful to read) but if you are squirmish, skip it!!!

My first MC symptoms started a day before the scan when I was exactly 12weeks. Started with brown discharge and more griping cramps. Couple of hours later proper red scarlet blood when I wiped. I never really got a heavy flow like others described. Not sure if this is because the baby had died 5/6 weeks earlier so had broken down or whatever? Who knows. Lots came out when i sat in the toilet but not much actually into the sanitary towel.

The next morning I rang the EPU as I was unsure whether they'd still want to scan because of bleeding. They were lovely and said they still did and wanted to know I was ok etc. The Dr and Nurses were so nice. She confirmed it was an Mmc, that the sack and fetal pole we had seen in scan (I took a copy with me) were just big dark blobs now because they had begun to break down etc. She showed me my uterus and where the pregnancy tissue was and also checked my ovaries etc and said everything looks healthy and normal. She told me to do expectant management as it was very low down and said it should all come out within a couple of days or so. She signed me off work for another 5 days and told me not to rush back and to take this time to get body and mind back. She said that when the sac/embryo comes out that I will get sharp pains and likely to feel a 'gushing' sensation. She also said that we could try again as soon as I wanted which was nice to know as so many people say you should wait a while. Good to know that medically there is no reason to wait if you don't want to.

Anyway, went home prepared for the worst. The whole thing lasted only 4 days. Sunday- Tuesday I had average bleeding but really bad low ab pains, some just like crappy period pain then other times waves of contractions that took my breath away. All I could do was take paracetamol, have a hot water bottle constantly, breath deeply, curl up and watch tv, eat chocolate and even some wine when I was up to it. On the Tuesday night the cramps changed. It was more like what I can only describe as 'pressure' deep in my uterus really low down. Constant - like super long contractions that lasted several minutes would ease off and then be back moments later. Almost like having a toddler sitting on your lap when you have period pain and a full bladder. Felt like it was going to pop! Or like waistband was cutting into my bladder. It felt hard and bloated. But I had no bleeding at this point so didn't know whether this was the big build up or just my uterus being angry! I went to bed dosed up on meds and my water bottle and hoped for the best. I woke up at 5am, sensing I'd started bleeding again. Went to the loo and suddenly without any pain, something definitely fell/gushed out. I chose not to look, but I knew it was the 'big' but I'd been waiting for. About 50p size. And instantly I felt a real sense of relief once it had happened. I got cramps and some bleeding for about 3 hours after. This was this morning and I have just experience my first afternoon of no bleeding or cramps (at all!!!) and enjoyed an evening out with the Hubbie. I feel sooo much better, as light as a feather, that this nightmare has finallly come to an end. I've had no bleeding and just occasional twinges in uterus. But taken no pain relief since 6am this morning.

I know everyone is different. From my experience of reading these experiences from people, no two stories are the same. But reach out to people. You are not alone. People don't talk about miscarriage enough. I had no idea that you could MMC. We (women) have to put our minds and bodies through the most stressful experience of making and growing a baby. It's not as straight forward for everyone. Friends and family who haven't been through this will try and say the right thing. But they will never know how you are feeling. We can only learn by others. To anyone who's just found out they have MMC my heart goes out to you. All I can say is every day that passes will get that slightly bit easier. If anyone every wants to chat feel free to message me xxxx all the best for your baby making futures xxx