not coping

[book77]

im so sorry for everyones who has gone through the pain and confusion of losing a baby.
i miscarried in feb , i would have been about 9 or 10 weeks, since that was the last time i'd had sex, then my boy friend and i broke up. I didn't realize I was pregnant, i had really bad cramping, and heavy bleeding I passed the baby in the loo. I couldn't believe what I saw, you could see its little hands and feet . I was so shocked and scared and didn't go to the doctor, i realize this was really silly, i just couldn't take it in, and i didn't want anyone touching me. I'm devastated that my boyfriend ended our relationship, and now i've lost a baby, it just seems that none of it was meant to be, i feel hurt and confused as to why i'm going through this. My boyfriend didn't want me, and he wouldn't have wanted this baby, but I would have kept it and it would have known it was loved, even though it wasn't planned. I told my ex what happened, he just said he was sorry to hear about it. I'm not coping very well with everything, I need to move on with my life but its constantly in my thoughts, i cant get the images of the baby out of my head.

[littleboyblue]

I'm so sorry you went through this. How awful. I've had 3 m/c. The first didn't pass naturally, I found out at scan at 10 weeks. I went in for a d&c to have it removed. The 2nd and 3rd were both natural and happened at around 6 weeks, so haven't been through or seen what you saw.
I can't imagine those images will ever leave you, but I really hope it gets easier to deal with.
Writing it all down in your post there is a positive step though, well done for getting it in the open, it must have been very difficult typing that out.
If you feel up to it, please ge to your doctor and tell them all of this, maybe they could get you some counselling sessions or help in some other way.
It's amazing what just talking about things can do. I personally find when left with my own thoughts, I can go slightly insane, but talking, I find I reason with myself.
IME m/c is one of the hardest things to go through. There isn't a reason it happens, it isn't your fault, but there's alot of guilt that comes with it isn't there? And what ifs. I don't really know what to say as nothing anyone said to me when I went through it helped much.

When I lost my first, I wrote her (I knew she'd have been a girl) a letter telling her how much I'd have loved her, how sorry I was I couldn't keep her. I found it really helped to get my feelings down on paper. This was about 7 years ago now, and I still think of that baby on what would have been the due date.
I hope you feel better soon.

[littleboyblue]

I'm going to have to go back to bed now. I hope you are ok and I'll check in again in the morning.
FWIW, I know this is really hard at the moment, but you do have to grieve for what could have been. Like all forms of grief, with time, it does and will get easier. I don't think you necessarily get over it, but you learn to deal with it, like all loss.

[book77]

thankyou for your reply, and i'm sorry for your loss littleboyblue, finding this website, and reading of other peoples loss although heartbreaking is helping a little, just to know that other people have survived this... only time will help i suppose. I wish i could have known if my baby was a boy or girl, my gut tells me a boy but i'll never know.

[littleboyblue]

I only knew because it was my gut instinct, like what you have. I don't actually 'know' for sure, but I am certain enough to say I know it'd have been a girl.
I agree, just to know that other people have been through it and come out the other end, does help a little, but what you're feeling may be completely different to other people, and that's ok.
Goodluck

[Thandeka]

Course you are struggling to cope at mo you have a heck of a lot going on. I had a MMC 10 days ago at 10 weeks and it is so so hard. I really sympathise. Have you thought about counselling. I just had my second session of post MC counselling and it has really helped me.

Take care.
xxx

[nicolehunni]

Im so sorry to hear about this. i had a miscarraige ... i was about 8 weeks. though im only 17 and i was 16 when i had the miscarraige. i found it really hard ... but i felt i couldnt grieve because of the amount of pain i was in. last week was my due date and i found it really hard. but iv noticed that i feel better when i talk about it, so maybe you should try talking about it with someone thats been through the same kind of experiance because they know how you feel. and also you should try and go and see the doctor because they need to make sure your blood levels go back to normal after a miscarraige. i had to get my blood taken every week until they were back to normal. i dont know what happens if they dont go back but i wouldnt risk it if i was you. i hope iv helped in some way .. im here to talk if you need it xxx

[HappyBump]

book77 I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a mmc at 13 weeks and I also saw too much. It was horrible. I wasn't brave enough to check the gender, I couldn't make a decision on whether it would be better to know or not. It happened more recently for me. I've found talking about it helps and MN is a good place to start. I get waves of sadness, just suddenly really just creeps up on me, then it goes and sometimes I feel guilty that it goes so quickly too.

nicolehunni I hope that you are okay. I think these milestones of due dates, etc are difficult. I had a mc in 2007 (and March 2009) and I often think about the baby I lost.
Take care

[JessiLynn]

book77, I'm so sorry about your loss. I went through a very similar situation... I found out I was pg 4 days before my boyfriend broke up with me, and when he told me he needed to break up so he could find out if he's gay, I just couldn't tell him about the baby. Right after he left, I lost the baby. It took me 6 months to tell him. I didn't go to the doctor right away, either--I waited 3 months, and luckily, I was fine (physically), but it might be a good idea to get checked out and get the names of some counselors who specialize in bereavement and/or pregnancy loss.

I can promise you that it does get easier, though there are definitely times when it seems life will never be normal or even sensible again. My due date (just after Christmas) was particularly difficult, and the approaching anniversary (Sunday) of the mc/break-up is going to be, as I've had about 3 weeks of emotional run up time.

What I'm learning through this process is that it's okay to feel sad and depressed and angry, no matter how frustrating we (and those around us) find it at the time. You have 3 losses to mourn-- your boyfriend, your baby, and the life you thought you were starting, and that's a huge deal, and it's okay to feel it.

Hope I'm not getting too preachy and that something in here helps a bit.

(((((hugs)))))

[book77]

Thank you for your replies, I'm glad I can come here, it took me 2 months to tell my ex via email, his reply was cold, simply "I'm sorry to hear that" I don't know what I expected him to say, I guess I thought that by telling him I would get some closure... I'm not even sure he believes me. Him leaving me was heartbreaking, I thought everything was good between us... losing his child has left me feeling confused, hurt and extremely sad. I was on the pill, and took it carefully. The break up and the pregnancy has been a shock... I know in my head that with time it will get easier. I hate this person I am right now, I used to be so happy and carefree, now I'm just empty, this will be ingrained in my heart forever.