I need to write this down, I hope you don't mind.

[InspectorGadget]

Oh gosh this is going to be a long story. I'm not looking for anyone to read it or to respond, but I have been mooching in here all afternoon and have read so many sad sad stories, and its made me realise I have never really talked properly about what happened to me and I think it would help if I could get it all out as it were.

I found out I had had a mmc in May08. I'd had a spell of short stabby pains and a tiny little bit of blood in my pants and was sent for a scan. I should have been 10 weeks that day, but baby had died at 6+6. It was our first pregnancy and of course myself and OH were desperatley sad, although were trying to stay upbeat as at least we had got preggers (had been trying for nearly 2 years).

The day after my scan my dad phoned me to say my mum was dying. She had been diagnosed with a brain tumour just before christmas and we knew she was very sick, however we were not prepared for it to be so soon. Basically, the following day I had to fly to Wales (where my mum and dad live) and leave OH behind. I didn't know when I would be back. I had already decided to let nature takes it course and as it turned out it was the only option now that I would have to be away from home.

Everynight I was getting horrible crampy pains and downing loads of painkillers, but in the mornings it would die down again. Blood loss was minimal. So I was waiting and waiting and watching my mum get worse every day. A few nights later the pain got really bad to the extent that the painkillers just didn't touch it, I went to bed with a hot water bottle and tried to get some sleep. However, things kicked off when an enormous gush occured, I jumped out of bed and limped close legged to the toilet and really it was like a blood bath. There were enormous clots (the size of my hand) and lots of bright red blood. It ended up everywhere, dripping off the toilet seat, all over my hand and everything I touched. I was all alone (it was 1 am and my dad and brother were asleep) and I didn't know what to do. The midwife at EPAU said that if it was heavier than a normal period I was to go to A&E, but I couldn't. I mean, I could have wakened my dad and asked him to take me but seriously, he had enough on his plate, my mum was lying dying in that very hospital and I was strangely concerned about bleeding all over my dads car.

So basically I sat outside on a garden chair, with no pyjama bottoms, on a towel, for a few hours until the flow had reduced to a more manageable period type amount. Then I cleaned myself up and went to bed. The next day I had to tell my dad what had happened, but he was useless (unsurprisingly, its a not a thing dads are equiped for) and we just carried on with the hospital visits and trying to keep ourselves together.

I kept bleeding pretty heavily though and a few days later I phoned the EPAU in the hospital where my mum was for some advice. They offered to scan me and my aunt took me the following day. A very unsympathetic doc basically told me I had only passed half of the contents and that the pregnancy itself was still there! Oh my gosh, the tears I cried at that moment. What an impossible situation. Either I had to go through everything I had already gone through again OR go into hospital for an ERPC. But how could I go into hospital for a GA when my dad needed me?? As it turned out I had a severe gush on way home from visitng mum that evening (no pain, just a big gush), and that was the end of it. No more blood, no more pain. That was the last time I saw my mum, she died the next day.

This was all 6 months ago but I think it is really only now that I am realising what a traumatic time it was. At the time I just had to get on with it, no time for tears or wallowing, but sometimes I feel like I'd like to wallow about it a little bit.

I don't even know why I am torturing myself in the miscarriage forum right now, I am between 8 and 9 weeks pg at the moment, have had 2 re-assurance scans and all is well, but there is sooo long to go to 12 weeks.

Gosh I do apologise for being so self absorbed and moaning, like I say I just wanted to write all that down. I think the thing that haunts me the most is how utterly alone I felt, and that there was no-one with me to bear witness.

[Fozzie78]

Oh you poor girl, what a tragic story I am so sorry for both of your losses. You are by no means being self absorbed and you're certainly not moaning, you are trying to help yourself understand what has happened and why. You have definitely come to the right place, there are lots of people who visit this site who really helped me after my 2 missed miscarriages and I hope you get some comfort.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and keep us updated on your progress. I am 6 weeks + 5 pregnant and the waiting is the worst.

Take care xxxxx

[bb99]

Don't be sorry, you've done nothing wrong.

After affects and what happens can be such a shock, especially the physical side. The feelings should get better with time, mine did.

Hope everything goes well for you this time and you get to really enjoy your pg!

xx

[georgimama]

What a horrible horrible thing to happen to you.

No advice but couldn't let this pass unanswered. I had a very early MC at Christmas, nothing like your terrible experience but even so, I understand a tiny fragment of how you felt.

Be gentle with yourself. There is no reason why you should be over this just because you have been fortunate enough to conceive again.

[wasabipeanut]

I am so sorry for your losses and everything that you have had to go through. Don't be sorry - even if you were self absorbed (which you aren't) you would have every right to some introspection after that ordeal.

The physical and mental shock of a situation like that must take some time recover from. It's inevitable that you would be very nervous with your current pg and I fervently hope all goes well for you - only a few weeks to go until the magic 12!

All the best x

[veryworriedme]

Oh no gadget! what an absolutely awful thing to happen. My father died 3 months ago and because of work i have not been able to let myself think about it for one second in case i collapse. I found out i was pregnant a few weeks ago and as you may see from my other thread i think i am about to miscarry. i am feeling unable to cope with anything else awful happening but what you have gone through is inconceivable to me. poor poor you. how can you think you are self absorbed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so glad things are going well for you in this pregnancy but perhaps you should try and get some help in coping with your mum's death? my doctor, who is used to my hectic work life asked me when i was planning to schedule in grieving - she was only semi joking.
xx

[kizzie]

You poor poor thing. You're not in the slightest bit self absorbed. You sound as those you coped with an unbelievably sad time with dignity and compassion for your family.
Congratulations on your pregnancy - wishing you all the very best with it x

[Joolsiam]

I am in awe of how you coped - I had a similar miscarriage experience and was terrified, but to deal with all that ...

I am sure the hormones bring it all to the surface again, and you do need to talk about it to get closure. I would guess you probably just buried your feelings very deep at the time, so they are only just making their way out now.

All I can suggest is keep talking. There are lots of sympathetic listerners in here who know what you went through, so you are not alone.