I don't know what I expect from writing here. I have a house full of well-meaning family and friends but I can't talk to them. I keep finding myself saying 'oh I'm ok, these things happen' when in reality I feel like screaming my head off. I feel like I'm falling apart and I want someone to tell me it gets better before my heart completely breaks.
I was on the 'due Sept' thread but had to go for a scan in the EPU on Friday morning as I had pain and discharge. They couldn't find anything on the scan but my hcg level was 5000 so told me rather matter-of-factly that I was going to be admitted and would be having a laparoscopy to try to find the sac. If they found it they would do a laparotomy to remove it. 'IT'
My first feeling was fear of the anaesthetic. All I could think of was my dd. She's 8yo and I was terrified I wouldn't wake up, i'd never see her again and she'd be left without her mum. Because of that fear I didn't have time to think of the emormity of what was happening, my baby was going to be taken from me and there was nothing I could do about it.
When I can around I was in excruciating pain even with the max amount of painrelief they could give me but I slept alot. When I woke the following morning, yesterday, the consultant came to see me and told me the baby was growing in my tube so they took the tube too. He said I was lucky to have found out so soon as the tube was distended. I know he was right, I know if it ruptured I could have been in real trouble but it was just such a cold and clinical way of explaining the whole thing. He said if I felt up to it I could go home so I did.
Now I'm home and I feel empty. I want to cry and scream but my dd didn't know about the pg so I can't cry or she'll get scared. I feel like my heart is going to burst. I'm bleeding and cramping and I'm not pregnant any more. I was two days ago.
Everybody is looking at me so pityfully and I'm trying to hold it together but I'm lost in the worst place I've ever been.
We'd been so excited to get a BFP on boxing day. We'd been TTC for nearly 18mths. I thanked God when I saw the two lines and now I feel angry. I trust God and I don't want to be angry but I can't help it right now.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
i need to talk about this - the house is full but so silent and full of eggshells
23 replies
scardypants · 11/01/2009 20:55
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