"Miscarriage due date" - emotional mess

[atomos]

Hello,

This is my first post here. Firstly I am sorry for those of you are going through/have gone through a miscarriage.

Also I apologise for the essay ahead... I never envisaged myself signing up for Mumsnet but here I go.

I'm in my early twenties and had a miscarriage last December - I never even knew that I was pregnant - I'm that unlucky 1 in 100 who fell pregnant on BC - until I saw those horrific clots and took a test (curiosity killed the cat...) I was sleeping with a friend of mine, and that's a messy situation in that he comes from a completely different cultural/religious background to me so we can't ever be together, but long of the short when it happened - after not telling anyone for a week out of shame - I went completely crazy on him and drove him away. I fell into a fairly deep depression afterwards, but eventually recovered.

Fast forward to now. After 8 months of silence I'm seeing the child's father again and I was trying so hard not to make the same mistakes I did before, but today was my due date and all of a sudden the trauma of what I went through - the profound loneliness, the trauma, the fact that a life growing inside of me died and no-one but me gives a s**t about its short, sad life - came hurtling back to me, and like an out-of-control bull I picked a MASSIVE fight with him, basically blew up his phone with messages and now I think I've wrecked our friendship. Everything I see reminds me of my baby - just when I was signing up for Mumsnet, seeing that "are you pregnant now" question nearly made me cry...

Reading this back now makes me sound completely insane. I never would have kept my baby had I had a choice - I have several more years of education ahead of me, and want to live my life. I thought I was over the trauma, but I feel like I've reverted back to exactly the same miserable place I was in last December. My only consolation - well, I do have wonderful friends and family - is that wherever my baby is now, at least s/he is safe from all of the misery and suffering the world right now.

TL;DR Is it normal to grieve this much for a miscarried pregnancy that you never even knew about until its last moments, and would never have contemplated keeping?! How do you cope with your "miscarriage due dates"?

And serious props for making it this far....

[Attheendof]

Is it normal? Yes, very much so. You have had a rough ride this past year and even if you've been doing fairly well certain times like due dates really hit home. I just took time out for mine - I'd stay at home, think about what might have been, light a candle sometimes, and usually avoid dh as he didn't seem to "get it" as much as me. Then you try to move on.
Your relationship does not sound like a positive force in your life, if you don't mind me saying so.

[bakingtins]

agree it's normal. I've been very aware of what might have been throughout the duration of a miscarried pregnancy and the EDD is tough. If it's any consolation I've found that it has also been a bit of a turning point in terms of recovery/moving on. I chose to mark the EDD by buying a baby related charity gift in memory of my LO, I couldn't bring my baby safely to birth but I could help another baby somewhere in the world.

[VashtaNerada]

No, you're not insane. It's a grieving process and is unique to everyone. My babies' due date (early MC of twins) was the same as a family birthday and I always spare a thought for them on that date. It does get easier with time though. Can you just be honest and explain to him (and others) why this is a difficult time for you?

[atomos]

Hi,

Thanks for your responses. I did explain to him and others why it's a difficult time - I was all over the place explaining that I was so upset over a baby I would never have countenanced keeping, but better out than in!

Lighting a candle really helped, for some reason, as did chatting to a friend who went through a similar thing. Feeling more stable now (if slightly apprehensive about my impending obs/gynae rotation...)

I hope you're all feeling well

[Catlover2014]

Hugs to you atomos. You do not sound crazy at all, due dates are incredibly hard. I cried all day and felt numb all night on my date.

Sorry to say this but the relationship with your friend does not sound that healthy. It would be nice to find someone who is mature enough to stand by you, especially in a time of what would normally be sorrow for you both.

Try as much as you can to look forward to your bright future that I know will be ahead for you. You are young and intelligent and your time to be a mum will come in the future. In the meantime there is nothing wrong with feeling sad about the life you lost. Give yourself time to grieve and heal.

Hugs xxx