12 Weeks Miscarriage & D&C

[mcinbham]

I was 12 weeks when I started bleeding. I went to the Emergency Room and it was too late. They had to perform a D&C. I feel very empty, and the only person I have been able to cry in front of is my husband. My mother came down to help out and I've instructed her not to talk about it. I had my friend pack up anything baby related before I came home from the hospital, and I e-mailed all of my friends and asked them not to call me for awhile. I don't want to leave the house or get out of bed. I know it takes time and all of that, but I feel lost and empty and all I can think about is when can we start trying again and it's only been 5 days. I've been reading all kinds of internet sites like an obsessed person looking for the right thing to make perfect sense of all of this for me, but I can't. I don't know why I'm even writing this, I just figured someone might be able to say the perfect thing to help me get some perspective. Everyone thinks I'm doing very well because I'm not crying, but inside my heart is completely broken. I don't understand why God would give me a pregnancy just to take it away, and right at the point when everyone told me I'm
'out of the woods'. Any advice or words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

Thank You

[Sophiev73]

I'm so sorry , I can't give any advice but you are not alone and there will be people on here who will be able to help you more than me... I will be thinking of you

[upandaway]

Dearest mcinbham, I am so sorry.

No wise words for you but just to let you know there are now two people out in the real world thinking of you right this minute and wishing you well.
Sending you {{{hugs}}}

[stretchmarks]

HI mcinbham,

So sorry to hear your news. I too had a miscarriage 3 weeks ago (at 11 weeks). It is an incredibly hard time but it will become easier for you. I went through a whole range of emotions. It's very hard to understand. I got the Lesley Regan book on Misscariage - what every woman needs to know which I found helpful - you can find it on amazon.You will find lots of support on here. Take Care

[danceswithmonkeys]

bump. I don't know how to help but I know there will be more people who can. ((((hugs to you))))

[edie123]

mcinbham

As others have said I don't know if there is any one thing that someone can say to you to make you feel better instantly but I do work with people who have lost someone and I have just been through a missed mc. Firstly, no-one knows exactly what you are going through as everyone's experiences are different but people on here are likely to be able to empathise in a better way than someone that has not experienced it and they do care.
Secondly, grief is a process that means you will have to go through stages in order to get out the other end. The stages happen at different times for different people and include shock, anger, guilt etc. TIME IS A HEALER and it WILL get better, why? Because IT HAS TO. You will be stronger after this and I know that sounds trivial but it is true.
You need to let the people around you in on your pain. Support is what you need right now and I am a great believer in telling people what you are going through. Everyone that knows me knows that I have mc and that means that they can try to say and do the right thing at the right time.
In your own time you can try again and there is no shame in deciding to try again straight away. We were still in the hospital when we decided to try again and we will.
Unfortunately a mc usually happens because that baby is not perfect. Try to imagine that baby saying to you, ''Im not perfect so Im going to make way for another baby that is''.
The baby you have lost never goes anywhere, not really, and your next baby will have a part of this baby inside him/her.
TALK about your grief.
It is not necessararily a bad thing if you don't cry, but it doesn't mean you are suffering any less.
YOU CAN GRIEVE for as long as you need to. There is no time limit.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[pinkhearts]

I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks back in April. Nothing can prepare you for it and no words seem adequate. I agree with edie123 that time is a great healer. You will feel better but you will have your moments when waves of sadness will come over you but they will pass.

You have suffered a loss and there are no rules for how you should behave. Do what you need to do to help you get through.

Sending you lots of hugs from someone who cares and understands.

[candygirl]

hi mcinbham ,im so sorry to have read your thread and hear wot you are through ,i no wot u are going through as have been through it many times.but the first m/c you go through is horrific in all ways possible ,but my advice to you is to scream and cry at who ever will listen, you need to talk about what your feeling,they wont understand your pain (unless they have been through it there selfs)but they will see the pain your in and help you in all sorts of ways.
and as for startng to try again i was always adviced to have a period first so you no your dates and have given your body time to recover. i no that you are probably feeling like you just want that baby back in your stomach as you are feeling so empty,and that is awful to feel that helpless, but the time will be here sooner than you think. i m/c just over 2 wks ago and unfortunately ive been through this 8 times now,but unfortunately the more i have the less sympathy i receive and am expected to get on with it ,so if anyone wants to help you just let them,they wont offer unless they want to.
take care of yourself and i hope i have helped if only in a small way .i will watch this thread if you need a chat !

[foundintranslation]

mcinbham - I'm so sorry to read this.
Most importantly now, however you feel is right. There is no textbook way of dealing with a shock like this. It will take time to get through this. If you need to lie in bed, then lie in bed. The time will come, maybe sooner tan you think, when you want to get up. gradually life gets going again.

The cruel thing about miscarriage is that there is very, very often no sense to be made of it. I've had three early miscarriages - one before having my son and two after, in consecutive cycles - my last D&C was yesterday. Most miscarriages are quite simply down to cruel bad luck. This can be a very, very painful thing to have to take on board, as it makes it all seem so senseless, but I've also found it a comfort, as it gives me hope that it will work out the next time.

Physically, you can try again when you feel ready. You're still reeling from this awful blow and it might be the best thing for you to have a break for at least one cycle, just to recover and feel strong again (and I promise you you will feel strong again). But that's something only you can really decide.

Be good to yourself. I'm thinking of you.

[edie123]

Foundintranslation

How soon after confirmation and diagnosis did you get your d and c appointment through?

[foundintranslation]

I'm in Germany, edie, where everything tends to go pretty quickly. The initial diagnosis this time was Monday night at the hospital, I had hCG tests on Tues and Thurs and because it was pretty clear then, another scan on Thurs afternoon to confirm the mc and the D&C on Friday morning.

[mcinbham]

Hi All,
Thank you so much for your words of support. I really appreciated it so much. I know it seems odd to talk to a bunch of strangers about what I can't tell the people I'm closest to, but none of them have ever gone through this and they don't understand or know what to say. It just ends up being akward for them. I'm very sorry to hear about your experiences. I told my husband about all of you after reading your threads last night, and although it brought some comfort to know I wasn't alone, it also made me very sad to know that so many women out there have felt the same heart break I am feeling now, and some of you over and over again. I am truly sorry for all of your losses, I don't know why it happens, I'm just trying to look on the bright side of things that I was lucky enough to have that first wonderful 3 months with the baby and I'll get to again with another baby. I was very lucky that I didn't have to wait for weeks, I went to the hospital on Sunday night and they performed my D&C on Monday afternoon. I have my follow up appointment this Monday to make sure it went well and to check my hormone levels. Thank you for your advice, I will keep you updated and definitely check in on you as well.

[weewilliewinkie]

Hi mcinbham,

So sorry to hear what you are going through just now. I have been there, had a missed m/c at 15 weeks followed by a d&c the next day and it was nothing short of hell. This all happened in Feb/March and it has taken me this long to be able to talk about it calmly, without weeping. I found that I was dreading what would have been my baby's due date. I just needed to get past that day...and I did. I lit a beautiful candle and put the baby's scan pictures up, and spent the day grieving. I couldn't wait for the day to be over, and went to bed at 8.30pm! My dh was very sweet and supportive of me which helped. And I woke up the next morning feeling like a weight had been lifted. Since then (only 2 weeks ago really) I have been feeling much calmer.

It helps that I am pregnant again (16 weeks so past my 'bad' time) although I haven't so far been able to relax and enjoy this pregnancy...but I feel better about it all the time. However, I wouldn't advise trying to get pregnant again until you feel you are truly ready - I remember feeling a frantic desperation to fall pregnant again immediately but that feeling does pass. It took us about 3/4 months before we conceived, and I know how lucky I am, but people also assume that because you're expecting that you've got over your loss.

The thing is, you won't ever forget the baby you lost, but you will learn to deal with it. You must allow yourself all the time you need to grieve, and let others know how you are feeling. You could contact the Miscarriage Association for guidance and support, they are super. And you will find amazing support from the women on here, as so many of us have been through this.

Take care of yourself. xxxx

[Millie256]

I had mc 2 weeks ago at 13 weeks. I cried but have found that I have accepted it quite quickly. In answer to your question I think God wants us to be pregnant but if there is something wrong with the baby this has to be better than having an unhealthy baby. hard to understand now but you will have a healthy baby, keep trying!

[mcinbham]

Hi Weewillieweenkie,

Thank you so much for your words of support. I greatly appreciate it. I know realistically that I need to wait a few months. I am already finding ways to make sure I do that. I've devised a workout plan for my husband & myself to lose weight before our next pregnancy (something we should have done a long time ago), and I'm back in school and signed up for some classes. I'm giving myself this time frame to try and heal both physically and emotionally, I know there's no perfect science to it and it happens in its own time, but it's the only way I know how to make any sense of it. I keep thinking that the timing must have been wrong, but then I ask myself 'why did God let us get pregnant if it wasn't supposed to be'. I guess I'll never know the answer to that. Did you find it hard to go back to work after? And also, I've always been close to my husband, but after this I've felt even more so (like crying when he leaves for work in the morning and missing him like crazy all day) is that normal?

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope only the best for you!

Thanks

[syrup]

This has brought back some very strong memories I had a missed mc ( went for my 13 week scan to find the baby had died about 2 weeks earlier) then d+c. I decided I needed something to look forward to so my husbandbooked us an all inclusive holiday to Cuba 6 weeks later. This gave me something to focus on and look forward to (it didn't even cross our minds to try again immediately)
I went on holiday (loads of Pina coladas, fainted threw up and realised i was pg again!)
I now have a very strong feeling that if I hadn't had that awful time I now wouldn't have the 2 little boys I now have after all God works in mysterious ways!!!!! (very mysterious at times)
Do something totally for yourself ( the getting fit thing sounds great) let yourself heal and all the very best for the future I have a very strong feeling you will be announcing good news in the not to distant future

[stretchmarks]

HI mcinbham,

I found that the mc has brought me much closer to my DH. Although he's dealt with it in a different way to me. I knew I could cry as much as I wanted to with him as we are both suffering from the loss - If I cried when friends came round found I kept apologising !!!!

[mcinbham]

Thanks Syrup and Stretchmarks,

I start back to work tomorrow. I don't know if I'm ready, but I think it will be good for me. Finding this website has been one of the best things for me in my healing process. I really do feel a little bit better every time someone writes to me. It's just nice to know that there are people out there who care, not out of obligation, just because. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me.

[candygirl]

hi mcinbham ,hope all goes well for you on returning back to work .take care !

[Littlebig]

Hi mcinbham,
I'm new to this sight, so I'm sorry if this drags up bad memories for you. It's just I read your message and it was like reading my own mind. I had a miscarriage a week ago today, I was 12 weeks. It was my second pregnancy my husband and I are lucky to have a toddler. It is the most heart breaking thing, I was taken into emergency, but had to go back next day for a scan. The worst thing about that was we had to go to same place we did with my 1st child, so damaged memories of that time, and then we had to sit around with other mums to be, all looking at their scan photos! then they sent me to the labour ward for an anti-d injection before realising it was the wrong place to go and calling us back.It's so difficult I keep thinking I want to try again, but I know i'm not ready physically yet and perhaps not emotionally either. Its very difficult because I go to baby groups with my todler and see friends who had children at the same time as my 1st and are now nearly due their 2nd, and they keep asking when are you going to try again etc.
I keep getting teary just watching family adverts or hearing nice things on tv! Is that normal? Anyone have any advice? I have this huge feeling of guilt, and keep remembering possible signs something was wrong and that maybe I should have said something earlier then maybe this wouldn't have hapened.
My husband and I have talked about trying again, but he is going to be doing a course soon, so thinks maybe we should wait a year, but i'm afraid it will be a bit like the old saying of riding a bike the longer we wait the more worried I will be about trying again.
Anyone have any advice?
Thank you xxx

[anniecam38]

Sorry for your loss littlebig, i had a mmc at 12 weeks, also was unaware anything wrong until we saw our LO with no heartbeat at the scan, tis truly hearbreaking. Come and join us on the emmsys angels thread were there is lots of us who are remembering our lost angels and supporting each other.

[Littlebig]

Thank you anniecam38