Sad to be joining you all

(59 Posts)
Souredstoneshasasouredpebble Tue 06-Aug-13 16:26:13

Found out today that my baby stopped developing a week ago at 8 weeks and that it no longer has a heart beat.

I've rung the ward to say I've decided on the surgical management option to get things 'over' but at 3:50 apparently the clerk had gone home and no one could make a note of it so I have to call In again tomorrow.

I have had heavy bleeding for a while now but a scan confirmed I've not passed any of the pregnancy.

How will I know if I have?

What am I to expect for the near future other than a lot of tears?

Bakingtins Tue 06-Aug-13 16:40:46

I'm very sorry, soured it is just heart-breaking to hear that news.
You may find this thread and the Miscarriage Association website helpful for more information.
Before the pregnancy sac is passed you would tend to have very heavy bleeding and cramping and pass clots, which can be large, and possibly you might recognise the sac as "tissue" or a "deflated pink-grey balloon" after which the bleeding would tend to settle down to period like proportions. Bleeding can be heavy - the rule of thumb is if you fill a maxi pad in less than an hour or if you feel faint or unwell then seek medical attention.
Hopefully you can get an appointment for an ERPC before you miscarry naturally, if that's your preference.
I'm sure there will be lots of tears - it's better to allow yourself to grieve rather than try to hold it together. We're here to hand hold whenever you need it.

katatonic Tue 06-Aug-13 19:18:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Souredstoneshasasouredpebble Tue 06-Aug-13 21:42:16

Thank you both.

Those threads are remarkable and a welcome read today as I feel so unprepared for what's to come. I'm all over the place today but everyone in RL has been so amazing and supportive it's made me feel really loved.

I feel so vacant right now.

JBrd Wed 07-Aug-13 09:27:07

Hello, soured, so sorry to find you here as well sad It is heartbreaking when this happens, I don't think that one could crash any harder after being on such an emotional high for the last few weeks.

From my experience, it will be really obvious when you do pass what's remaining of the pregnancy - my last mc happened naturally, and after a few hours of bad cramping, it all came out, and there was no doubt about what it was sad

However, it's different for everyone, unfortunately, this is one of those things where most of the time, all you can do is wait and see.
If you are going for the medical management, at least you know when it's going to happen, and you will be under care all the time. The knowing when and how can actually help a lot, sometimes it is a relief to know that at least the physical part of it all is over, and you can focus on healing.

You might want to stock up on painkillers and extra-thick sanitary pads. And chocolate.

Take as much time off work as you need to, no point pushing yourself to go back before you feel up for it.

The next few days/weeks will be tough, I'm not going to gloss this over. Apart from the physical side of things, the emotional rollercoaster can be brutal.
But I can promise you, there will be light at the end of the tunnel at one point, it really does get better. Time is your ally here.
Don't push yourself, give yourself plenty of time to rest. Again, everyone is different in dealing with the aftermath. For my first mc, all I wanted to do was to curl up on the sofa and not see anyone. After my second mc, I baked one bread after the other and spent a lot of time with garden work.

Just try and find out what works for you, put yourself first and be kind to yourself.
If you do choose to talk about it with people, you will most likely find that there will be quite a few who have gone through this themselves. I was amazed at how many of 'us' are out there! (Making it sound like some secret club now, but sometimes it feels like that).

Sorry for the mammoth post, I really don't want to sound patronising, sorry if I do!
I'm in limbo, too, at the moment, just waiting waiting waiting. I'm not bleeding at all and have no other symptoms yes, no idea what is going to happen and when. Having another scan next week to check what's going on, they'll probably discuss options with me then.

Souredstoneshasasouredpebble Wed 07-Aug-13 10:10:49

Hey jbrd it's crap to be over here, but I think in a way I knew it was inevitable the way the pregnancy was going. Just such a shame so many of us march ladies are in this position sad

My husband has contacted the EPU again today on my behalf, they are going to contact the gynae ward and see when they can book me in but the ERPC will definitely happen this week. At least I can see an end to it and begin to heal from there.

Sounds stupid but I've bought myself this beautiful little cross stitch kit to complete whilst I'm off work with the idea I will put it in a frame with my 7 week scan photo behind it to keep in my bedroom. That's the plan anyway. I need something to distract me I hate doing nothing although I can do nothing.

I hope things get clearer and easier for you in the coming weeks

X

Hi Souredstones, so sorry to see you're here. No advice or anything to add, just wanted to send some hugs. I've gone the medical route as haven't had any bleeding at all, just back from EPAU now and waiting for something to happen.
Thinking of you and jbrd xx

Souredstoneshasasouredpebble Wed 07-Aug-13 11:10:39

Hey captaincalamari I sincerely hope you and jbrd and your respective partners are doing ok.

Glad to hear you found the ERPC to be the right route for you. I'm nervous about surgery but know its for the best for my own mental well being

JBrd Wed 07-Aug-13 11:38:08

Hi captaincalamari, sorry to see you here, too. Life is so cruel sad

soured I had an ERPC with my first mc - it was definitely the right choice for me, and I recovered very quickly from it.
Hope the EPU manages to squeeze you in as soon as possible.

I think the cross stich piece sounds lovely - it's the little things like that that will help you taking small steps towards healing. Most people don't understand that this is a very real loss and bereavement, and you have to grieve.
For my first mc, I bought a angel wing charm for my Pandora bracelet, for the second, I planted a new rose in our garden.

Whatever helps us to get through this.

Souredstoneshasasouredpebble Wed 07-Aug-13 13:29:17

A ward clerk just called me with my ERPC appointment this Friday. She couldn't answer any of my questions and got herself upset and hung the phone up saying shed get a nurse to ring.

Very angry.

Secretswitch Wed 07-Aug-13 14:54:52

Well, damn,Soured! So sorry this is happening to you! You have every right to be angry and upset. I hope you get all your questions answered by the nurse. I am sending virtual hugs to you and dh.

Bakingtins Wed 07-Aug-13 17:37:30

She was upset ??! It's not rocket science to think you might have questions, is it? I hope a nurse did phone you back and you got the information you needed.

The cross stitch is a lovely idea.

Souredstoneshasasouredpebble Wed 07-Aug-13 17:57:29

To be fair she did sound like a school leaver, but yes DH was apoplectic with rage that she rang and not a nurse. She couldn't tell me anything other than to turn up at the unit for 1230.

Thankfully a nurse did call and I feel a lot more reassured by the process and what to expect but I will be having words.

I wonder if its because its the general gynae ward I'm going to whereas I had been dealing with EPU previously?! Either way, you're booking someone in for a surgical procedure in 2 days, the post won't get there in time with the answers so reasons to be that questions will be asked.

Morons.

I just want this week over with. It's been hell to say the least

Secretswitch Wed 07-Aug-13 18:50:00

What hell for you and your dh! Surely, this matter could be handled in a much more sensitive way. Going through a miscarriage is already heart wrenching enough but to be faffed around makes it that much more difficult. Kind wishes to you and your family..

Souredstoneshasasouredpebble Wed 07-Aug-13 23:12:36

I'm a mess tonight.

DH has gone to bed as his work are expecting him back tomorrow so he can hand over to have Friday and Saturday off to be with me.

I'm sat here and looking at my stomach where it had started forming a bump that is still there taunting me desperately wishing this all to be a bad dream and that the scan was wrong, that the baby has a heart beat, that Friday won't happen and that I will hold my healthy baby in March.

I feel like stamping my feet and screaming IT'S NOT FAIR!

AhoyMcCoy Wed 07-Aug-13 23:20:45

Oh soured, I know how you feel. I miscarried last Thursday when I was 11 weeks. Today should have been my scan, and I keep thinking that today I should have seen a little kicking baby and instead I'm sad and bleeding still.

It's just so unfair, and I sympathise. I guess it's too early days for me to advise anything constructive, but what I've found helps is spending time on here, as its good to 'be' with others who have been through similar, and being kind to yourself.

Keep post

AhoyMcCoy Wed 07-Aug-13 23:22:04

Sorry posted too soon...

Keep posting, rant if you need to. There are so many people here offering tea, chocolate and handholding. Thinking of you.

Bakingtins Thu 08-Aug-13 08:30:59

Soured I hope you managed to get some sleep. MC can be a very lonely experience. However lovely and supportive your DH, he is not physically going through the pregnancy or the loss, his hormones are not in upheaval and often the baby was that much less real to him.
It's massively unfair. You will probably suddenly seem to be surrounded by bumps, babies and absolutely shit parents with whole broods of kids. Rant and rage all you like - I think it's only by accepting and expressing all the feelings this throws up that you can move past them. Nobody here will be shocked no matter how unacceptable some of those emotions are.
Ahoy hope you are ok. Any dates that 'should have been' are difficult to get through. I suggest both of you get your other half to contact your GP and make sure you are not on any pregnancy mailing list for future scan appointments etc, don't rely on EPU letting them know. Any reminders of the stage you 'should have been' are an additional kick in the teeth.

JBrd Thu 08-Aug-13 09:31:27

Soured But it is unfair. Massively so. And it will seem more so every time you see a bump, a newborn baby, and worst of all, when someone around you announces they are pregnant. I found that after my mcs, there suddenly seemed to be pregnant women everywhere.

Do you have any friends that you might be able to talk to? Or your mum? I find that, as much as my DH tries to be there and help me, there is definitely a bit of a disconnect. He admits himself that he hasn't allowed himself to become too emotionally involved this time, fair enough, we don't really have a good track record. He helps me immensely, though - does all the cooking, dropping off/picking DS up from nursery, giving me lots of cuddles etc.
But yes, mc is a lonely experience. Talking to my (female) friends helps me a lot, and preferably the ones I know had had mcs themselves (this sounds awful, but I hope you see what I mean).
I can't really talk to my mum about this, even though she's had a mc herself. I've not yet told her about this mc, as she doesn't even know I was pg again, I had hoped to tell her face to face when she comes to visit at the end of the month.

ahoy Significant dates are difficult, I completely agree. My EDD from my first mc would have been the same as Kate Middleton's, there was no escape. Even though I was (or thought I was) pg when she gave birth, it still hurt. And just after I'd had my second mc, both a good friend as well as a colleague at work announced their pregnancies, both with 'my' EDD.

And in line with what baking said about notifying your GP - if you are on any mailing lists, or also if you (like me) have downloaded a million pregnancy apps, unsubscribe and delete them now. I just had a 'lovely' email and phone alert yesterday, telling me that I'm now 8 weeks pregnant and what my baby looks like at this stage.
It's like someone reaching into your chest, grabbing your heart and trying to squeeze the life out of it.

Souredstoneshasasouredpebble Thu 08-Aug-13 11:42:53

Thank you for your kind words.

I am sorry to hear so many of us are in this position sad

I got virtually no sleep last night and was greeted by the letter from the hospital about my ERPC

'Dear soured,

We are pleased to confirm the arrangements for your admission...'

It is full of typos and bad grammar.

I'd like to know who thought it appropriate to send out with that wording and in that condition.

I know it's only a small thing but really is it too hard to put 'please find enclosed details of your forthcoming hospital admission' or similar

I burst out crying reading it, what stupid bloody thing to do, cry over a hospital admission letter

Bakingtins Thu 08-Aug-13 17:24:08

((HUGS))

The small things really matter when you are feeling vulnerable. Write it all down, and you can decide later whether you want to send them some constructive criticism when you are feeling stronger.

Souredstoneshasasouredpebble Thu 08-Aug-13 21:58:44

God I feel empty tonight.

I hate it

Secretswitch Thu 08-Aug-13 22:31:50

Thinking of you Soured. I cannot believe the hospital sent such a shit letter. You would think there would be some sense of compassion for life changing events such as miscarriage. I can say from my experience I was sad for a very long time. My body healed much quicker than my soul. Having people around to talk with helped but sometimes I just needed to sit with the hurt...
Anyway, enough from me...xx

katatonic Fri 09-Aug-13 09:54:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Souredstoneshasasouredpebble Fri 09-Aug-13 13:43:53

I'm feeling crap today, thanks for asking, I passed the sac last night. Rung the hospital to prewarn them and they were lovely, had to go for another scan when I turned up whilst other women had their booking in bits done. Scan confirmed a complete miscarriage and a thinner uterus lining so surgery not needed. EPU have contacted the ward for us and sent us home.

The gynae staff were so lovely, they're clearly used to dealing with this and were very calming - clearly just the admin staff who need an attitude change.

I feel I can start to heal now the hospital side of things is over. Once the physical side stops hurting I can work on the emotional .

Thank you so much for your support

I hope you are all keeping well

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