Friend lost their baby - what can I do?

[attheendoftheday]

Obviously I know nothing I do will make things less awful, but I want to help if I can.

Friends have just lost their baby at 39 weeks. I feel so gutted for them, really upset. They are not close friends, Mr Friend is an employee of dp and they know each other well, have met Ms Friend and got along, but aren't close.

Sending a card seems inadequate, but equally I'd hate to not recognize what they're going through. Dp has given Mr Friend the fortnight off he's have had for paternity leave on full pay. What else can we do?

We'd given them all our old baby stuff, and I keep thinking about having all the baby stuff there but no baby. I was thinking about offering to store stuff for them until they wanted it again, would that be weird or inappropriate? They're in a tiny council flat, while we've got a garage and loft.

My biggest concern is that having any contact with is will be like pouring salt in their wounds as we have two healthy children. I don't want to make things worse for them.

[FortFiesta]

Oh my god what a horrific time to lose a baby. I really feel for your friend.

Do not mention the baby clothes at all, she may want to come home and hold it and cry, she may want to put it all on a fire and burn it. Sometimes the DH or Mum will come and put it somewhere before she comes home from hospital, they will sort out where to put it if need be, not something for you to do - she may think you want it back or something horrific like that.

Yes to sending a card. She may read it later, many people keep the cards as part of their memory box. Write down the date somewhere so you will remember the anniversary next year and send a card/message. Use the baby's name if they have named him or her yet.

Practical help - DH must be really flexible with friend if at all possible when he comes back to work, he may want to work to keep him occupied or he may need to go home suddenly. He may need time off for funeral, registering the stillbirth (or hospital may do that now?) collecting the certificate, collecting ashes, consultant's appointments regarding baby loss, GP six week check for wife, and appointments for the postmortem results.

I do not think the existence of your children will be a problem, unless you have a very small baby - it will be babies due now (like the royal baby) and friends babies over the next few months (she got pregnant after me and she's got her baby etc. etc.).

You know what sort of people they are like but do mention the baby, ask how the mother is doing, ask after her health etc.

[Bakingtins]

So sorry for your friends . I agree with Fiesta that a card is a good idea and will mean a lot. It's great that your DH is being a considerate employer, and giving Mr F time off is probably the best thing you can do for them at the moment. Don't worry about rubbing salt in the wound with your own children, there is no reason to apologise for your family and I think it will be newborns/bumps that are difficult, not pre-existing children.
I'm sure the hospital will put them in touch with SANDS but it may also be a helpful place for you to look, there is advice for family and friends on supporting a bereaved couple.

[Cherryblossom11]

Agree with the other posters - do sent a card if you would like to. Would also say that although you are concerned about bit rubbing salt in the wounds with your family, cutting off all contact is much worse IMHO. My experience would suggest that support can come from the most unlikely quarters at times such as this, and I'm sure your support in whatever form it takes will be appreciated.

[attheendoftheday]

Thanks for the advice, I really want to be supportive, but I feel totally out of my depth. I've got a card to send, and I'll ask dp to ring Mr F in a couple of days to see if we can be any practical help.

Thanks for the idea of writing down the date for next year, that's a good idea. Also for the link to the SANDs website.

It's just awful that anyone should have to go through loosing their baby.