One year anniversary

[TiredMule]

I feel so sad, and alone. This has truly been the hardest year of my life.

[grants1000]

Sorry you are feeling like this, it's hard work being sad. Can you explain more so we could help? You are never alone with Mumsnet, come on make a cup of tea and pull up a chair for a virtual chat......

[TiredMule]

Thank you grants. I'm just feeling very low.
Backstory is that we have 2 fantastic DDs and lost dc3 at about 7wks a year ago today. I couldn't really tell anyone as it happened the day before we were taking DH's terminally ill DM on holiday. So I had to bottle it all up. DH has since said he doesn't want any more children. We lost DMIL 4wks ago. I have an op in 6wks for suspected endometriosis.
I just feel so sad, alone and lost. DH hasn't remembered about today. Even though he should being as it's the day before our wedding anniversary so not hard to remember.
I feel like all the joy has left my life.
Sorry to rant, I just need to pull myself together.

[grants1000]

Cripes you've had a lot going on and still going on. Death is hard, my step Dad died in Jan and it was a truly dark and dreadfull few months, it made me think about my Dad who died when I was in my early 20's and so sad for my Mum that he 2nd husband on 25 years had also died. It also made me think about the miscarraige I'd had between my two boys (11 & 6). Me and Dh have not really talked about the MC, we've talked about the night it happened, but not much more. To be honest I can't even remeber the dates, I just remember listening to a Maddona track 'Hung Up' on the way to the hospital which dates it; still can't listen to that song! I often think of the 3rd child I never had and the horrendous miscarriage, which left me needing a blood transfusion. I needed anti d's for a year after that, but came out the other side.

You don't need to pull yourself together, you have to be kind to yourself and experience the sadness not brush it under the carpet. It's different for men, the don't do dates, barely birthdays and anniversaries, but I am sure if you mentioned it he would talk to you about it. He probably thinks he does not want to upset you or does not know what to say. I think when someone dies a greyness descends which eventually lifts and dates/things pop up that can blindside us right back to feeling low.

I am now 42 and my dad when I was 27, now I have my own children we concentrate on things like fathers day less so because me and Dh don't have our Dads, but make it all about our children and my DH as the Dad now. Just shifting the focus, we said a 'cheers' to them both last night!

Are you doing anything for your anniversary? Can you focus on making that nice and relaxed fun? Try and squish a bit of joy back in? It has to start somewhere. Good luck with the operation, enometriosis is the pits, I had it pre kids and thankfully has stayed away, it was creeping back but i got a Mirena coil fitted and have never looked back, no periods, totally fucking marvellous!

Go get you DC's from school and go out for pizza or even a Happy Meal, break the boredom and sadness and be kind to yourself.

[Irishmammybread]

So sorry you're going through this today.don't worry about ranting ,here is the perfect place to do it!
You're not alone either,there are many others of us who have gone through pregnancy loss and can empathise with how you're feeling and offer you a virtual hand to hold.
It's very hard for you if you weren't able to talk about losing your little one at the time, is there anyone you've been able to talk to about it in RL since?
I think men react to miscarriage in a different way, though my DH was devasted by our miscarriages and at the time said he felt like a little bit of himself had died, his way of dealing with it now is to try not to think about it. Though all the due dates are indelibly marked on my mind and heart he hasn't remembered any as they've cropped up.
We have 3 dc already,who I'm so grateful for, but I still yearn for the little ones I've lost and there is a sense of incompleteness and feeling someone is missing from the family.
We decided to try again after our first MC last year which was at 11wks but went on to lose another at 6 weeks and a third at 12 weeks(though baby had died at 9 weeks) and most recently last month at 5.5 weeks.
DH has also recently said he doesn't want to keep trying,I'm now 45 so our chances aren't good of having a successful pregnancy and it is heartbreaking going through repeated pregnancy loss.His Dad died last Nov too so it has been a difficult and stressful time for everyone.
I'm trying to come to terms with that and focus on the family I have, though I'm sure there will always be moments of sadness.
I think it's ok to grieve so don't necessarily feel you have to pull yourself together,it can't be good bottling everything up.
I've tried to do something to mark each due date,for me I've gone to Church, lit a candle and had some time of quiet reflection.
I'm sure there will be moments of joy in life but it is hard to see that when you're feeling really down.
It can't help having health worries too, hope your op goes ok next month. x

[Bakingtins]

Another one who thinks you don't need to pull yourself together. In fact, it sounds like you've done too much of that for the benefit of the other people in your life over the last year and not allowed yourself to grieve for the baby you lost. Maybe today is a perfect opportunity to do that and to spend some time saying goodbye.

[TiredMule]

Thank you so much grants, irishmammy and bakingtins. I feel a bit better today, I took it easy yesterday and had a nice bike ride with a great friend after getting the dds to bed. We're going to go out for our anniversary so that should help as well.
I found yesterday so much harder than my due date, but maybe that's because we had so much going on then that I couldn't let myself iyswim?
I'm just feeling really empty and have little motivation.
I'm so sorry for all your losses. It really does suck.
I think the fact that I'll never be pg again is the hardest thing to cope with as I really think that would help me with the huge hole I feel there is.
What do you do to cope when you're feeling so sad?