Feeling sooooooo alone

[Mummyoftwoangels]

Firstly I'm new to this, so apologies if this isn't in the right area!

I'm not really sure why I am writing this, other than I am feeling so sad and alone! Think I am hoping that someone on here might be able to tell me that things WILL get better, and that what I am feeling is normal??

So here goes, it's a long story but I will be as brief as I can! At the beginning of last year, my pregnancy ended at 19wks +5days. My twin daughters were born sleeping! The pregnancy ended due to my abusive partner.

Due to him, I don't now have much support in the real world, but I am slowly trying to rebuild my life, but that has been hindered by health issues. Anyway in a few weeks it will be the anniversary of their due date, and in the last few days I haven't been able to stop thinking about them! Thinking about how they should be here, they should be learning to walk and talk! Etc etc. My job probably doesn't help as I work with children! But recently I have just found myself getting more and more tearful when I think about them! I miss them so much!

I just want to know if this is normal, and do things ever really get any easier? My Counsellor says I am doing okay! But it's been over a year and I just feel like I haven't really achieved much in that time! Am I putting too much pressure on myself, is this normal? Is there a normal?

[Bakingtins]

I'm so sorry to hear all you've been through. It would be very normal to still be grieving a loss a year later, especially on significant dates, but it sounds like there is a whole heap of other factors in your case that have made it particularly traumatic. I don't even want to think too hard about what abuse ended the pregnancy and I guess that means you are dealing with the fall-out alone. To be functioning at all in that situation you must be an amazingly strong person. Keep talking - the pain will never go completely, because you will always miss your daughters, but it will get easier to cope with.

[Mummyoftwoangels]

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I hate moaning and really hate talking about this stuff! But I feel if I don't it will start impeding on my work. Quite Frankly right now, my work is the only thing keeping me going! I love my job, and I don't want to lose it!

It's reassuring to know that this will get easier! People have told me that but this upcoming anniversary has really thrown me

[Tiredmumno1]

Wanted to give you a

[Mummyoftwoangels]

Thanks tiredmum you don't know how much I NEED that hug right now! It's been a BAD day! Xx

[escorpion]

just wanted to give you a huge hug and hope you can find the support you need here. xx

[Mummyoftwoangels]

Thanks escorpion. I'm not really sure, why I wrote this post! Just felt so low, and so lonely yesterday, that I needed to do something!

I think the reason I haven't written on here before, is the fear that people will see what happened to my girls, as my fault I already blame myself for not protecting them! I was there mummy and I shouldn't of let him hurt them!

Sadly years of being physically, emotionally and sexually abused, took every last bit of self confidence that I had! Stupidly I thought being pregnant with his babies, might finally bring me some happiness with him

[Tiredmumno1]

It's not your fault, it never has been and never will be. He is the one that should be feeling a lifetime of guilt, not you.

Do you have anything to do with him now? Also do you have anyone in RL that can give you support?

More

[Mummyoftwoangels]

Hi Tiredmum

I have nothing to do with him now as he took his own life when I reported him to the police after losing my girls Sadly my support is limited, partly because I kept things from people for so long and partly because I have issues now with trusting people!

I don't have family support, but I do have one or two people who have become special friends over the last year! BUT I always feel that I do nothing but moan, and I feel that they have their own lives to deal with!

I see my counsellor regularly, and I am sure I am making progress! BUT its just been a difficult week! I just need to get through the next few weeks, and the anniversary! Then hopefully I will start feeling stronger again!

I think I am starting to find it easier to talk about things, even if it's just on a site like this! A few months back I couldn't even write down what he did to me! Let alone tell others

Thanks for taking the time to reply, and for the hugs xx

[Tiredmumno1]

So sorry you have been through that, it sounds like you have had a terrible time

I am sure your friends really don't mind you talking to you or even listening, after all that's what friends are for. Could you ask one of them to come round and keep you company one evening and have a good chat and let out xx

You seem like a very strong woman to have got through this nightmare and to be able to talk about it. How are you feeling today? xx

[Mummyoftwoangels]

Today really hasn't been a good day but health related not to do with this!

I actually had a friend stay over last night. We ended up talking til 2am! Not just about this, but about all the crap I've had to deal with in the last few years!

I struggle with feeling fine one minute, then seeing a baby the same age as my girls would be, and I am just overcome with grief and pain I think it's more than just mourning them, it's mourning the fact I will never be a mummy again!! They were my one chance, and I feel I messed it up, and let them down!

Thanks for the reply, it's been good to have somewhere I can talk openly and without being judged! Xx

[Bakingtins]

Would it help to plan to do something to honour your girls on the anniversary? Plant a rose or tree, release a pair of helium balloons, write them a letter, buy a charity gift in their name? I've found it helps get through a sad day if you can do something positive to mark the occasion.

[Mummyoftwoangels]

Thanks Bakingtins, I have been thinking about doing something special to mark the day! Just have some health stuff to deal with over the next week! Hopefully all that will be sorted before, their special date!!

Thanks for the suggestions and ideas, and thanks for taking the time to reply! I really appreciate it! Xx

[Shellywelly1973]

I just had to post to let you know i think your a remarkable women.

You know, if you weren't affected by the approaching anniversary, that would b very strange...

Think of something to do to to remember your girls. A poem or light a candle. Something personal to you.

Its so good your having counselling. I had a mmc at 12 weeks, nothing in comparison to what you've gone through but its affected me more deeply then i could ever have imagined.

I should be 21 weeks now. I feel so empty &sad some days. I admire you, you've coped with so much. You sound like an enormously strong person.

Hope your health problems get sorted asap.
Take care. Sending you big hugs. X

[Mummyoftwoangels]

Hi Shellywelly firstly I am sorry to hear of your loss! Sending you a very big hug!

But I also need to say, that I am not a remarkable woman! Finding the strength to leave my abusive partner before he hurt my babies, would of made me a remarkable woman! But I didn't, I wasn't strong enough to walk out, so I let them down! My poor innocent unborn girls

I am very grateful that I was able to deliver my babies, and hold them to say goodbye and sorry to them! Sadly I will never experience pregnancy or childbirth again!

I hope you have some help and support in RL. Accept all the help you are offered and cry, if you need too! I went through a faze when I thought the tears should be done by now! But as I keep being told, apparently there isn't a time scale for grief

Look after yourself

Xx

[TwentyTinyToes]

You are remarkable, your story is so sad. I am so sorry for your losses. I have nothing insightful or useful to add but just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts.

[Mummyoftwoangels]

Thanks TTT Your kinds words are much appreciated. Having a difficult day today But reading your message made me smile, so Thankyou!

Xx