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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Friend´s due date one day out from what would have been my due date. Feeling shitty.

19 replies

escorpion · 22/03/2013 18:10

I thought I was getting over this, and my friend has announced on FB today that she is expecting. The day after when my edd was. It has just knocked me back and I´m feeling shitty. It´s not her fault obviously but it´s just so cruel. Pregnant women seem to be everywhere when mine didn´t work out. I feel useless and incompetent. Sorry for the rant but just feeling really low now

OP posts:

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Ra88 · 22/03/2013 18:16

I'm the same ! My work friend is due 3 days after I would have been :(

GinAndSlimlinePlease · 22/03/2013 18:19

How awful for you I would have been 12 weeks about now so dreading finding people are pregnant. I struggle with my sister being 6 weeks ahead of where I should have been.

hugs

escorpion · 22/03/2013 18:19

I´m just going over in my head why this had to happen to me, why can´t I have a successful pregnancy?

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andadietcoke · 22/03/2013 18:25

Exactly the same happened to me. My ex best friend (still have lots of mutual friends) and Kate bloody Middleton. It was a horrible time, and I hated the way I'd reacted, but it's so so hard, and I really feel for you. I'm pregnant again now, and it gets a bit easier, but I still don't like hearing how she's getting on because I still feel like it might go wrong for me yet.

Take your time, give yourself space, and it will get easier. Promise.

Chocolateporridge · 22/03/2013 18:33

I'm the same, my friend is due one day before I would have been, I'm in the middle of a mmc at 12 weeks at the moment. I thought I'd be fine and asked her to tell me how her scan went and not to be afraid of upsetting me and..... I got really upset.

I think that you can try your best to control your emotions in order not to upset others, but sometimes its just beyond your control and we'll just have to ride it out together .

escorpion · 22/03/2013 18:37

Thanks for your flowers chocolate and thanks for all your other replies. andadietcoke congrats on your pregnancy!

Pregnancy is obviously a fact of life and of course people are going to be pregnant but it doesn´t make it easier. My friend has made a FB page which she has added me to, which will detail all her progress. So I am going to get every bloody update.

I have problems with my thyroid so am not thinking about ttc until I get that under control.

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andadietcoke · 22/03/2013 19:43

Re Facebook - you can hide the updates. I do this and it's very effective at protecting me from bump photos and pregnancy whinges

Bakingtins · 22/03/2013 19:57

Sorry escorpion it is really hard to deal with. I have my suspicions that a colleague is about to make a "happy announcement" just as I would have been 12 weeks. First MC I had 3 colleagues due about a month after I was and 2nd MC I had 2 babies born to colleagues the week I miscarried. It's only a small company FFS - could you all just stop popping out babies left right and centre??
No advice on dealing with it other than trying to remember that they are not having your baby and there is no maximum number of women that get to have healthy pregnancies - they are not stealing your rightful place in the queue.

escorpion · 22/03/2013 20:40

andadietcoke I have already hidden the updates, I couldn´t stand the pinging. Bakingtins thanks for your support. You have been immense help on this thread and on others. So sorry for your losses.

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HarkAtYou · 22/03/2013 22:28

I was in a similar situation when my sister told me she was 12 weeks pregnant shortly after I'd miscarried. It hit me really hard for a long time, I sort of felt like she'd stolen my baby joy and I also felt like it put me back a few steps on getting past my own grief. However, about 6 weeks after it occurred to me that the situation probably took away some of her joy too (she was bricking it in her first trimester and worried about my reaction when she told me). When I thought about that I was able to make a decision to not let it keep making the both of us sad and almost overnight I felt better about everything. I think it was mostly due to the passing of time but I wanted to let you know that you might not feel so shitty all the way through your friends pregnancy. In the meantime though be kind to yourself, it's such an incredibly sad thing to go through and plain unfair

escorpion · 23/03/2013 14:48

Thanks so much HarkAtYou I am happy for my friend, but sad at the same time that we could have been enjoying this experience together. I thought 2013 would be my year after a really crappy 2012. But my 2013 began with my miscarriage. I am hoping that things will start to look up soon. I don´t think I will try to conceive again at the minute. I am not in the right place. Good luck to all you ladies.

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HarkAtYou · 23/03/2013 21:45

I know exactly what you mean, I miscarried in November and haven't really committed to ttc again yet, I've found it a real roller coaster with all the hormones and other life going on since.
I saw in here someone say that you're not just grieving for your loss of your baby but also for its presence in your life. That really stayed with me, it felt to me like a false start and its so disappointing.
A friend of mine likes to remind me that anyone pregnant that I'm envious of could have had a number of false starts themselves, you never know what's gone on behind closed doors. It doesn't make it any easier but it is common for ttc to be a bit of a 'journey' it's just people tend to share more when they fall without even trying (especially men in my experience).
Good luck to you too, take care of yourself.

purple84 · 24/03/2013 13:36

The joys of fb strike again, so sorry for your loss.
I find I have to sometimes give myself a break from fb, as like you say, pregnancy announcements just start popping up all over the place, when we are going through a bad patch and find them a bit hurtful.

escorpion · 24/03/2013 17:50

Thanks HarkAtYou, people say it will be your time, but I am 32 already and it was my first time ttc. I am going to see where my work life goes for the moment, to see if I can get more involved with that. You are certainly right that it could have happened to people too before they got pregnant. I get the sense that it isn´t talked about much. Purple84 Ah yes the joys of FB but unfortunately it is the best way to keep in touch with people as I am abroad. I have turned off updates though.

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icklemssunshine1 · 25/03/2013 20:09

So sorry for your loss.

2 days after my ERPC I found my friend is due to have twins 10 days after my EDD. Just kept (& keep) thinking why can't I even carry one? I also work with her & she's been off for 3 weeks with terrible morning sickness. She came back today with her obvious bump & I had to sneak off for a cry. I'm 34 & everyone says I'm lucky to be still young to try. Really? Lucky? Don't feel like it at the moment!

Hope you're looking after yourself & you have people looking after you.

escorpion · 25/03/2013 22:21

Thanks icklemsssunshine1 you are right it is cruel, and especially when it is so in your face. It obviously isn´t our friend´s fault but I keep asking myself the same. Why can´t I have a successful pregnancy? Like I said I think I will leave it for a bit. I have a potential work development that may keep me occupied for a while. I have also seen many MNetters having succesful pregnancies in their forties, so time is on our side still. It took me ages to find the right man that I wanted to go on this journey with, so sad it didn´t work out. But I am sure it will at some point. We musn´t give up! Big hug for you and all the other women going through this. We are not alone!

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birdofthenorth · 25/03/2013 22:28

I had this with my second miscarriage, friend turned out to be due the same day. I never told her and occasionally ignores her when i wasn't up to seeing how her bump was progressing. I am now extremely lucky to be 37 weeks pg (not a sole pregnancy and still hugely paranoid but incredibly grateful to have got this far), but may always look at her little girl and wonder who was lost.

I'm really really sorry for your loss. It's fine to feel devastated and to feel jealous. It is horribly unfair. Sometimes you need to be selfish and protect yourself so don't honour of your way to celebrate your friend's pregnancy and baby if you're not up to it, she will have lots of people on hand to do that.

icklemssunshine1 · 26/03/2013 06:54

escorpion, I too didn't meet my DH til "late". I was 30 when we married & then we obviously wanted some years on our own. I'm very lucky to have a 21 month DD and I keep trying to focus on that, so wish I could give her a younger sibling though. My pregnant friend & I also had our DDs within 4 weeks of each other - unintentionally, it just happened that way. We're both teachers so I may have to go into hiding during the 6 weeks holiday & not see her with her extremely large bump! I also take solace in the fact so many women have babies in their 40s. My DH's cousin had her DS at 42 - she didn't meet herDH til she was 36. Hope for us then! Really hope your project gives you a positive focus. I too need something to focus on instead of gut reaction of TTC, I think that would just devastate me if I keep getting BFN!!

Bird, congratulations! How are you feeling? I'm worried about getting pg again, don't know what I'd do if this happened again but also don't want to think I'd give up so easily.

escorpion · 26/03/2013 12:28

birdofthenorth thanks for your support! I really hope everything works out for us. ickle I wish you all the best for whatever decision you make!

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