Miscarriage/Ectopic

[elisabethann]

Hi all! :-)

I'm new to Mumsnet, I thought this night be a place where I could find support and shared experiences for what's happened this week in my life.

I have a 9 year old boy, that's been my only pregnancy and I was very lucky as the preganancy was very smooth and despite having experienced PND in the form of puerperal psychosis, I am better now and he's a lovely healthy boy.

Since giving birth to my son (I was single and a teenager) I have had a coil fitted, I'm very much focused on my career and the coil seemed like a safe option. I've been with my partner now for 2.5 years, we both work in the music industry and neither of us have discussed having children. He's 36 and had a previous marriage but has no kids.

Last week we were out for dinner with an old friend of mine and she asked my partner if he would ever want kids, he looked quite shocked and said he wasn't sure and hasn't felt the urge to have them. He gets on fantastically with my son and I have no conscious desire to have kids at the moment but for some reason his uncertainty really hit me. We chatted about it and he said he had been caught off guard and that he wouldn't rule it out.

Last Friday I started having quite intense pain at the bottom left of my stomach. It stopped and started all weekend, getting really bad on Sunday evening meaning I couldn't sleep. I suffer from IBS so assumed that's what it was. Come Monday I started bleeding and because my last period was only a day long and very light I assumed I was now having my proper period. The pain continued intermittently as did the bleeding until Wednesday when I was in so much pain I could barely move. By this point my partner had gone back home (he lives 1.5 hours drive from me), so I decided to call NHS direct to see which painkillers I'm allowed to take with my stomach medicine. I was shocked that after asking me some questions at triage they said they needed to send me an ambulance immediately.

My mum lives around the corner and came straight round to look after my son. I went to hospital and they took tests and found out I'm pregnant. This was a huge shock because of my coil. They said they didn't know whether I was miscarrying or whether it was ectopic so they sent me to another hospital an hour away from my home. I called my partner but he'd been out at a dinner meeting and was over the limit so couldn't drive down during the night. He sounded as shocked as I was on the phone.

They basically kept me in an examination room overnight, finally finding me a bed at 7am and I had an hour or so's sleep before a team of 7 doctors, pharmacists and medical students came along in the morning to tell me they still didn't know whether I've miscarried or the bleeding is due to an ectopic pregnancy. My boyfriend came to the hospital ASAP in the morning and they sent me home at around 3pm yesterday saying I need to go back tomorrow so that they can test the levels of hormones in my blood to see whether they have fallen (which would mean miscarriage) or stayed the same (ectopic).

This has brought up a lot for me, I didn't know I was pregnant and definitely don't want a child now, but I feel such a deep sense of loss. My gut feeling is that I've miscarried, and it's making me feel very helpless. My boyfriend is being a star and really looking after me, but he simply wouldn't be able to understand that because to him this is just a medical thing, he's not going through the hormonal or physical stuff.

I find myself secretly hoping that it is ectopic and that there's some way of my having a viable pregnancy which is actually a bit mad, because I'm not at a stage in my career where I can afford to stop focusing on it to have a child. Although I know intellectually that it's best to not have a baby, I feel like my body is overriding me! It was also so sad to see my mum look so disappointed when I said that there was little possibility of it being viable, I would have thought that with all the support she has needed to provide with my son another baby would be the last thing she wanted!

I was wondering if anyone else has experienced these intense emotions around unplanned pregnancy miscarriage? And if anyone might have advice on how I can communicate how I feel to my boyfriend effectively?

Thank you in advance,

E :-)

[Bakingtins]

Hi Elisabeth just wanted to say how sorry I am you are facing this and that sometimes it seems to be more difficult if the pregnancy was unplanned/unexpected, as you are trying to process whatever emotions you mayhave about being pregnant and about potentially losing the pregnancy at the same time.
I think unfortunately if it is ectopic that is not a way of having a viable pregnancy, you would probably need surgery or methotrexate treatment to end the pregnancy or it can be very serious for you. I take it you've had a scan and they can't see anything in the body of your uterus?
If you need clear practical information to help you make any decisions then the Miscarriage Association site is very helpful, otherwise we are here to listen as you work through any emotions this throws up for you. Hope tomorrow brings more clarity for you.

[ncsmummy]

elisabeth I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. My pg was planned but I was in the situation last week where they were unsure if I was having a m/c or an ectopic. My hormones has dropped which showed I had m/c.
Sadly if it is ectopic then it will require treatment as like bakingtins said they can be very serious.
I am glad your b/f is looking after you, I know I couldnt have got through the last week without mine. It is a complete emotional roller coaster you are going through and I have found that it does help to talk to people. Everyone here has been lovely.
Take care of yourself x

[elisabethann]

Hi Bakingtins and ncsmummy, thank you both for the information and kind words! XX
I found out yesterday that it was an m/c too, it was quite a blow and I'm feeling a lot of grief now. I had a conversation with a friend last week where I said I'd never have more children, I now feel completely differently so I suppose at least this situation may have highlighted my desire to have more children in the future.
ncsmummy I'm really sorry to hear you had something similar happen last week, it must be so heartbreaking for you, especially since it was planned, I imagine you must be feeling pretty distraught. I'm pleased to hear your partner is being supportive. Mine is too, I'm a bit of an emotional mess but he's staying very calm and being very understanding of my ups and downs.
I'm sure you're correct in saying that discussing it helps, it brings up such a lot of sometimes opposing emotions that its hard to know exactly how I feel I find, and although the men in our lives are being supportive they arent experiencing the event so physically/hormonal lay. I hope you're doing ok ncsmummy! Take care x

[ncsmummy]

Hi Elizabethann. I am so sorry to hear that you too have had a m/c. I am glad tho that your partner is being supportive, I have found that a huge help. I think it is hard to get your head around all the many emotions and try to make sense of it all. A week on and I am still up and down although slightly less so but I think thats due to the hormone levels dropping so much.
Take care of yourself and let me know how you are doing x