Been away most of night ... found out a friend is due same week as I should have been ...

[icklemssunshine1]

Hi all,

Have had a couple of threads over past few weeks. Had a MMC at 11 weeks and an ERPC on Wednesday. My BF visited last night and told me that a mutual friend and colleague announced she was 12 weeks pregnant this week - with twins - the week of my EDD. I'm heartbroken. I feel a total bitch thinking 'how can she be expecting 2 children when I couldn't even carry the 1?' I'm supposed to be seeing her in less than 5 hours - myself, her and another friend all had our first DC's within 4 months of each other and it's my other friend's DS's 2nd birthday party. I can't not go, it'll devastate my friend (the "party" is really just a play date with the 3 of them and some cake!). Not sure what to do. Do I go and bite the bullet and hope I don't have a nervous breakdown? Or do I hide away? I'm returning to work Weds anyway so I'll have to see her everyday then.

Up until now I haven't really cried, have been able to hold it together quite well but I think this has triggered the grief. Ive got a bit of a reputation for "getting on with it" - my father past away whilst 2 years ago and i only had the day of the funeral off from work - friends and family expect me to be resilient but this is killing me. Has anyone got any words of wisdom to help me through? Tried talking to my DH last night but he said something like this was bound to happen sooner than later (a lot of my friends are trying - we're in our 30's and "that age"!!) so just to be strong and get on with it.

Sorry for the ramble!

[BeaWheesht]

Oh poor you what you're feeling is entirely natural.

You know what I'd do? I'd feign illness and not go. I also normally get on with things but I think this is exceptional circumstances and there would be much talk of new babies etc and its be extremely hard going for you, very understandably.

Obviously you'll have to see her sometime so its not as if you're avoiding the situation altogether. Just give yourself time and allow yourself to grieve. It's ok to be selfish just now.

[DeepRedBetty]

I felt I couldn't read and run... what a beastly situation for you!

If it's just the three adults - yourself and two other friends, then why not go, and if you cry, you cry. If they're friends, they'll understand. Does the twin mother know you've just gone through this loss?

[nellyjelly]

Aw don't be hard on yourself. If you don't want to see the friends then don't go. A miscarriage is tough to cope with. I am sure she won't be devastated when you explain.

Give yourself a bit of space to feel sad in. Do something nice. When I had a miscarriage I bought a little shrub for the garden and planted it for the baby. I didn't tell anyone, just did it.

You could try phoning the helpline for support www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/support/how-we-can-help/

Be kind to yourself.

[icklemssunshine1]

Wow! I really didn't expect so many replies straight away. With my DH and DD fast asleep I'm feeling quite alone. Thank you for your kind words.

I did text my friend (who is the mother of the birthday boy) last night explaining that I don't feel strong enough for today. We've been friends for 6 years, work in same department and she's also had a MC so feel can be totally honest with her. She said she understood and I could get my DH to drop off our DD so she wouldn't miss out on her play date - all our DC's go to nursery with each other and love spending time with each other. I really wouldn't want her to miss out on that.

When I found out my friend was pregnant I texted her to offer my congratulations. After a few texts back and forth I told her why I'd been off from work, she was really supportive and I know she's upset on my behalf. Although she's never lost a baby, it took years of trying and fertility treatment to get where she is today. I am happy for her, it's just going to be painful seeing her pregnancy blossom - especially as our EDD's were the same week I'll always be thinking 'I should be looking like that'.

Deep we are quite close, think there'll be just the 3 of us, maybe another colleague but she's in my department so is also aware of the situation. As I've said I've been friends with my one friend for 7 years and although I didn't really get friendly with my other friend until we he our DC's close together, I don't feel like I can't talk to her. Just don't want to ruin a happy day.

nelly, I've been trying to think what I can do. My friend who had the MC said she bought a teddy and has kept it in its box. She was much further along than I was. At times I think I'm just being silly - should it really be this bad for me when I've only known I was pregnant for 8 weeks? I feel selfish in comparison to women who have still births etc.

I'm still rambling - sorry!

[nellyjelly]

Do something for your baby if you want. I know it was early but doesn't mean it is easy to cope with. I just did the little tree thing for me, didn't tell anyone or make a fuss. Just means I can remember him/her. I found the scan picture I had not long ago too. I had an early scan with a heartbeat but by 10 weeks the baby had died. I kept the scan pic in a little envelope in my sock draw! I still feel sad even now when I think of it all.....baby would have been 6 now. Thankfully had 2 more DCs.

Do what you think will help. There is no hierarchy of grief.

[BeaWheesht]

Hey there's no use comparing losses - someone else's loss doesn't make yours less valid. I think it would be nice to do something to remember the baby - I'd probably get a wee tiny tattoo somewhere hidden but that's a pretty personal choice!

It's good you have people to talk to. Why not drop your dd off so she can play and suggest you and your friends get together without dc next weekend so you can chat etc ?

[icklemssunshine1]

I had 3 early scans. At the 2nd there was a heartbeat, so wish I'd asked for that picture. I'm terrible with gardening and we're hoping to move anyway but I was looking into seeing if I could get a flowerpot with an angel on it so I could always keep a house plant with me. Do feel I should mark this somehow. Not looking forward to returning to work as it feels like an admission that this is all over and life has to go on. In a few weeks time everyone around me will have forgotten what's happened but I just feel like I'm frozen in time.

Thanks again :)

[DeepRedBetty]

Your friends sound lovely ickle. I hope dd has a lovely time and you can have some time to be sad without feeling you have to put on a happy face for the children. for you - and also some , which sadly doesn't cure most known problems, but definitely makes one feel better, and should be an available mn emoticon!

[icklemssunshine1]

Bea, I've already for a few tattoo's from my young and reckless days, too old for that now!!

From sitting here, getting this all off my chest, having so many supportive comments (& a really good cry without the fear of waking DH), I've decided to go. It's going to be a sunny day and there'll be a bouncy castle which I'd love to see DD's face when she sees it. I know both of my friends will be supportive and I could do with a hug.

[icklemssunshine1]

Thank you Deep, I will save the virtual chocolate for later and make it very real after the play date. My friend (of the birthday boy) is an amazing baker so I know she will have made loads of cakes and will be trying to fatten me up!

Hopefully when the sun comes up it'll brighten my mood. I definitely feel much better than I did over 1 hr ago. So glad I got up and logged onto MN, much better for my soul than lying in bed in the dark thinking.

Thanks everyone :)

[nextphase]

I'm glad your feeling more positive.
Remember things will go up as well as down (sorry, been there with the lost baby, work colleagues pregnant, and also a close friend, but didn't work with her), and if you need the time at a later date, take it.

I didn't even tell the work colleagues til after they returned from maternity, just avoided them as much as possible (obviously not possible for you), but don't think that was particularly helpful for any of us.

Lots of lovely cake, and hugs from supportive friends sounds like a good plan.

[PurplePoppySeed]

I had exactly the same thing happen to me. I went in for an early scan at 8 weeks but had already started bleeding over the weekend. Found out it had been a MMC, so went home, curled up and felt sorry for myself.


I texted a few friends to tell them what had happened as some already suspect I was pregnant. Then I logged into Facebook to find one of the friends I had planned to text that night had posted a scan pic as an announcement. Hers was an 8 week scan too and she'd had it the same day. She is due the same day I was and I was devistated. It's only now (3-4 months later) I can really talk to her openly about it, but she's been great and does understand. Your friend will be the same, she'll be upset for you and possibly feel awkward about her pregnancy, but don't worry, you'll get there when you are ready and she will understand.