Lost my baby at 18 weeks..heartbroken

(33 Posts)
Nobhead Wed 20-Feb-13 06:20:36

I found out yesterday that I had lost my baby....I was 18wks +5. I just feel so empty, heartbroken and like I've been robbed. I kind of knew something didn't feel right. My bump was very small, I was very noticably showing with DS at this point. Also the midwife couldn't find a heartbeat with the ultrasoundy thing at my 16 week check but told me not to worry as the baby may be really low down and then I had brown discharge on Monday night- very light but something just didn't feel right. I went to hospital yesterday morning and they scanned me and told me the words you just don't want to hear "I'm afraid it's bad news". The baby had no heartbeat and looked like it had stopped growing at 16 weeks. sad
I just broke down, unfortunately I had to take 4 yo DS with me as he is on half term and DH was at work. I had convinced myself and DH that he didn't need to come with me and that everything would be ok I was passed the danger point and I was just going for piece of mind.
My DS was amazing, especially for a 4 YO, he handed me tissues and hugged me, he told me not to cry and that he would look after me. Itried soooo hard to hold it together in front of him, it's horrible for a child to see their Mummy so upset. He did funny dances to make me laugh and cheer me up, we were there for 3 1/2 hours and not once did he complain. He was just an angel and I am so blessed to have him. It was so hard having to explain what was happening to him, I mean what do you say to a 4 year old? I told him the baby was very poorly and is an angel now that watches over us and it wasn't ready to be with us yet. I told him that when it was ready it would come back. He had been so excited to have a baby brother or sister, it was heartbreaking.
I was given a tablet to take and I have to go back tomorrow for a full day to take a series of other tablets which will send me into labour and I will have to give birth. Just awful, I'm petrified. The midwife talked about a funeral and doing footprints and naming the baby- I don't think I want any of that I just want to know what happened and why and then try to move forward. Itmay sound cold and emotionless but that's just how I feel. I don't want drag the whole process out and none of that is going to change what has happened.
I have got up this morning after crying in bed since 4:20am. I came downstairs and my maternity jeans are drying on the airer and my vitamins are on the side in the kitchen and I just broke down again. I keep thinkingwhat have I done wrong, I have been quite stessed at work and juggling that and home life and housework, have I been over doing it? But then the world doesn't stop turning just because you are pregnant.
I miscarried in May last year at 7 weeks and that was hard but Jesus this is awful. I think because you get past 12 weeks and the 1st scan and you think "yes" I can finally start to plan and be excited...turns out not. I have worked out I have been pregnant for 7 months over the last year and don't have anything to show for it. I'm not sure I can or even want to do this again, I would be a complete wreck until I am actually cradling that baby in my arms and what if it happens again?
Sorry that was so long- I don't tend to talk things through in RL so I guess this is just my way of releasing.

I am so very very sorry. it must have been such a shock and absolutely heartbreaking. I don't have any experience buti didn't want to read and run. it sounds like what you told your ds was exactly right, in terms ge can understand. you have done absolutely nothing wrong, I know its easier said than done but tiu must not blame yourself, this us a cruel cruel thing to happen and is not caused by you. You mentioned you don't vent a lot in RL but do you have support? but by all means pour it all out here. Im so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself. miscarriage is a deeply unfair and cruel thing.

Nobhead Wed 20-Feb-13 06:41:33

Thanks Worrying I don't know what to do with myself. I keep telling myself that obviously something wasn't right and this is natures way of telling us that. We just had all these plans and I was so looking forward to it. It has taken us 4 years to come round to the idea of having another baby. DS was a very difficult baby and the pressures of parent hood etc. really has taken it's toll on mine and DH's realtionship. We are much better now that DS is older and less demanding and we were so ready for this baby. sad

forgottenpassword Wed 20-Feb-13 06:48:07

So very sorry for your loss. Please don't blame yourself. You have done nothing that most pregnant women havent done or wouldnt do. These things are beyond our control. Your 4 year old sounds just wonderful by the way.

Nobhead Wed 20-Feb-13 06:52:38

Forgotten He's utterly amazing, makes me well up just thinking about him. He'd be an ace big brother.

ripsishere Wed 20-Feb-13 06:54:05

Blaming yourself is futile. Easy to do, but pointless. I lost a 22 weaker due to an incompetent cervix.
Go easy on yourself and, give your DS lots of hugs. He sounds like a lovely boy.

ripsishere Wed 20-Feb-13 06:54:25

Weeker, not weaker. He was 22 weeks.

forgottenpassword Wed 20-Feb-13 07:32:30

I am sure he will be an ace big brother - a lo who can comfort his Mum like that is very special indeed . I am v sorry that it won't be this time but he will be a big brother I am sure.

Nobhead Wed 20-Feb-13 13:59:38

Has anyone else experienced this? I am sure I have felt baby like movement today, maybe I'm imagining it or it's wishful thinking. Could the sonographer have got it wrong? She was looking for about a minute before she told me it was bad news. I am due to go into delivery at the hospital tomorrow to take the rest ofthe tablets to start labour. Should I mention it before I take the tablets and insist they scan me again to make sure or will they think I'm crazy? What should I do?
I feel so empty, I have hardly spoken to DH or DS today- I just feel like I can't be bothered to talk to anyone or interact. sad

Bakingtins Wed 20-Feb-13 14:19:03

I am so sorry you are going through this. If you need to see another scan for your peace of mind before the induction then I'm sure they can accommodate that request.
I'm not surprised you feel numb at the moment, it must have been a terrible shock. I'd encourage you to think about having footprints and a photo of the baby taken even if you don't feel you want to look at them at the moment. It might help to have them further down the line.
Your little boy sounds like a star.

Thumbwitch Wed 20-Feb-13 14:23:36

Definitely mention it. But be prepared that it is unlikely to be anything positive.

So very sorry to hear what's happening for you at the moment but your DS sounds like an absolute sweetheart, so brave and strong for you. xx

drjohnsonscat Wed 20-Feb-13 14:33:45

Nobhead, I am so sorry this has happened. I lost a baby at 16 weeks so I know a bit how you feel and I also didn't want footprints and handprints and stuff, or any sort of ceremony. It was too much. I also didn't want anyone around me apart from immediate family. I needed to go into purdah and just deal with my feelings. I cried non stop for about 6 weeks and didn't really speak. I just wanted to let you know that your feelings about this are not cold or abnormal. It's exactly how I felt and you must handle this your way.

I think you should absolutely insist on another scan just to set your mind at rest, if only because otherwise you will torture yourself afterwards with "what if"...

As for your son, he sounds amazing. And he will be a big brother one day. My DD was born less than twelve months after my loss (I waited the requisite three months before trying again but she was prem so arrived within a year). DS was born a couple of years later. My family is complete and I hardly think about that dark time now - but I had to go through it. Wishing you courage and strength. x

toffeelolly Wed 20-Feb-13 14:45:02

Just so so sorry cannot begin to think how you must be feeling, i had 2 miss's first at 11 week's 2 at 9 week's then went on to have 3 babies who are now 8 , 7 , 4 . Felt real bad at the time, but cannot begin to think what you are going through , you have your little lovely little boy who sound's great , really will be thinking of you in the coming day's , take care x

Nobhead Wed 20-Feb-13 14:46:37

Thanks everyone. I think I will tell them I want another scan, like DrJohnson said I will always be wondering what if. DrJohnson that's exactly how I feel I don't want a funeral or to give the baby a name. I would like to know if it's a boy or a girl. They also said they could send the baby to Alder Hey in Liverpool and do a PM to see if they can determine what went wrong which both me and DH want. I have read some of the other threads on here and it's so sad that it seems to happen to a lot of people...although that doesn't make it any easier it is comforting to hear other people have gone through it and come out of the other side but I don't think it's something I will ever get over IYSWIM.

nectarini1983 Wed 20-Feb-13 16:35:11

Im so sorry to hear what youre going through.

I lost a little boy at 17 weeks, 6 weeks ago today. I understand the feeling of emptiness youre feeling and the thousand what if questions that run through your mind. I still very much feel cheated and wronged by what happened but the rawness has lessened now. Im starting to accept that this has happened now and that I'll probably never get an answer as to why.

For me the delivery at the hospital was very dignified and the midwives who looked after me were angels. I didn't think it possible for strangers to care so much. I hope u get the same treatment. I wasnt particularly painful for me although not sure if having had two children already helped and I had somr morphine to take the edge off. Im now glad I delivered my baby boy as it was how he was supposedto arrive. Just sadly without tje hapoy ending.

We did have footprints and handprints taken. We also gave our son the name we'd intended for him and had his funeral on Monday. This is what we felt was right for us. I needed something to validate that what id lost had been real.

I would just say be kind to yourself amd do what feels right for you. I know its hard when you already have children as you still have to be mummy first to them but give yourself time if u can.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Xx

nectarini1983 Wed 20-Feb-13 16:39:51

Also I meant to say that I had felt movement after being.told the bad news so I was rescanned on the next day when I went back to have the first tablet which sadly confirmed again that my baby had died. The consultant didn't hesitate to check again for me.

Im glad I asked them to double check as its one less 'what if' to torture myself with xx

jkb Wed 20-Feb-13 19:45:15

I am so so sorry to hear about your sad loss xxxxxx
I too went through this in November last year (you will find my thread on here) I was 19 weeks gestation & had the tablet & labour as you will have & so I can completly understand your situation.

Firstly .... I too felt the movement... i remember going upstairs & using my home doppler for over an hour desperatly searching for a heartbeat (even though i had been told the day before by scan that my son had passed away)
I knew he had gone.... but had to be SURE... so please do ask for a recheck or your mind will never be settled.

With regards to the footprints & pictures etc.... you have to do what feels right for you.... however... when you are in this terrible stage of greif I feel its always helpful to listen to the advice of people who have been through & are starting to come out of the other side. I know that I was in NO fit state to make any kind of decision at your stange & relied & listened to the advice of midwifes & friends.....
Please please get footprints & handprints & any pictures you can. If you decide NOT to look at them ever... then thats fine... but if you dont have them & when this awful shock wears off & you want them... then its too late & you may never forgive yourself hunny.
I was so desperatly devestated when I found out my Matthew had passed & didnt think I could cope...didnt think I could cope with seeing him, holding him, pictures, funerals & initially refused .... but when i gave birth I found myself holding him & am NOW so so glad I did this & had so many pictures with him....as its all I have left.
I have a good friend who is a midwife & who gave me this great advice too..she said so many ladies are so distraught & scared that they refuse a funeral (as too painful) & refuse pictures & prints... but then go on to get teribbly depressed when some of them change their minds & its too late...
I guess what I am saying is its best to have them all (even if they are put straight into a box & you dont look at them) rather than at a later date being so upset that its too late for them.
We also decided against a funeral....but 2 weeks after (just as his body was released from post mortem) I suddenly knew a funeral was right... so just myself & my husband & the hospital chaplin did a 5 minute service for him & he was creamated. I am SO glad we did this, it helped with saying goodbye.

I also have a wonderful son & when hearing how wonderful your son has been it reminded me of mine :-) My son is 7 (I have a 3 year old daughter too) & got advice from SANDS as it affects the little ones too.... they advised its good to let the children say goodbye... they suggested the children letting off a balloon...this is a childs way of dealing with the loss- sending the balloon up to heaven? perhaps this is something your son may like to do? a way to helping him understand? I also decided (on advice of SANDS ) to show him a tastful picture if his brother...to help him again DEAL with losing his baby brother. he ADORED it & was so so happyhe got to SEE his brother...even if it were only a picture.

I hope some of this helps you hunny
Please message me if you need to ... if you want to ask any questions about the birth & what to expect or just want a chat
I am still so upset about losing my son, that will never go... but i too beleive I will one day get pregnant again & my little mans soul will be back!! when the time is right xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Lots of love

cogitosum Wed 20-Feb-13 19:48:03

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your ds sounds amazing.
X

GinAndSlimlinePlease Wed 20-Feb-13 19:52:21

so sorry for your loss sad

stargirl1701 Wed 20-Feb-13 19:59:05

My condolences. So sorry for your loss. X

RobinSparkles Wed 20-Feb-13 20:07:24

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Life can be so cruel sad.

Your lovely DS sounds amazing.

nectarini1983 Wed 20-Feb-13 20:56:34

I agree with jkb......

Better to have photos and footprints that you never look at than to not have them and spend forever wishing you did.....ill treasure my son's always.

X

Nobhead Sun 24-Feb-13 21:07:42

Hi Guys just thought I would update you all and I feel better writing down my thoughts and feelings and sharing with those who have been or are going through this too.
I decided to go to hospital alone, it just felt like the right thing to do. I wanted DH to stay with DS to try and keep as much normality as possible, I didn't want him to have to go through it too. I didn't have a choice because the baby was in me so I had to do it. I just felt that having DH or my Mum there would be stressful as they DH told me that if I wanted him there he would come straight away and he respected the fact that I wanted to do this alone. This all sounds terribly self indulgent but that's how I felt.
I went into the delivery suite on Thursday morning, I walked to the reception desk and went to speak and I just couldn't, all that came out were loud sobs. I managed to explain what I was there for and I had a scan as I had felt movement but they confirmed what I already knew deep down- my baby had no heartbeat and it had stopped weeks ago. Because of emergencies I was only given my first lot of tablets at 2:20pm. Waiting in the compassionate delivery room for those 6 hours between my scan and taking the tablets was awful. Listening to women in labour and then the first cries of newborn babies- all the time knowing that I was there for the same reason but the outcome would be totally different. I wouldn't hear my baby cry or get to cuddle and feed it for the first time.
I went into labour and delivered the baby at 4:25pm. The baby was a little smaller than expected and the midwife couldn't tell if the baby was a boy or a girl. She swaddled baby up and put him/her in a tiny knitted moses basket next to my bed. I looked into the basket and saw my tiny but formed baby and I cannot describe how it felt. I was overcome with grief, sadness and guilt that I couldn't hold them or comfort them. What had I done wrong? My poor little baby.
I couldn't deliver the placenta as it was still attached quite high up, I lost over a litre of blood and my blood pressure dropped very low. I had to be taken to theatre at 7:20pm for a GA so that they could remove it surgically. I had to have 3 lots of IV fluids and 2 blood transfusions over night. My DH and DS came to the hospital the next morning to see me, we were all so happy to see each other. Before I left hospital that afternoon the hospital chaplin came and blessed us all and the baby. Before he began his prayer my DS said "Mummy, I want to say something to the baby" and he leaned over to the tiny knitted moses basket where the baby was wrapped up and whispered "I love you" and kissed the blanket. Myself and DH broke down and even the chaplin was wiping tears away, it breaks my heart that he won't have the sibling he has been so excited about. We decided to name the baby with our surname but we call them "the angel". I was allowed home on Friday afternoon feeling physically and emotionally exhausted.
I cannot thank all the staff at the hospital enough for everything they did for us all. They are utterly amazing- the midwives, the care workers, the anaesthetists, the doctors.... they treated me with such dignity and kindness that I didn't think would be possible from people who didn't know you and love you. Most of the staff I spoke to had been through this themselves and they described exactly everything I was feeling.
At the moment we are all trying to come to terms with what happened. I go through waves- one minute I am holding it together and seeming fairly normal, the next I am sobbing as something will set me off. DH seems to be handling it better than me on the outside but that is his way- head buried in the sand but he is willing to talk about it and he listens to me and comforts me when I'm upset.
We decided to have photographs of the baby and the hospital gave the baby a tiny bear and an angel pendent which we have kept along with the blanket used to wrap the baby up and a little keepsake box to keep them in along with my scan picture, hospital bands and a picture of an angel on a yellow blanket which my son drew for the baby. We couldn't get footprints as they were too small but I am now so glad that we have all these other things. I think going through labour and delivering the baby and seeing it made it all real and we felt that we needed to acknowledge that. It has also helped my DS too, although he hasn't seen the photos nor did he actually see the baby itself.
Sorry this was a long post but I just wanted to say thankyou to everyone who posted on this thread and wished us well and shared their experiences too. We will be taking things one day at a time. I am going to get an angel pendant for my bracelet so that I will always have "our angel" with me everywhere I go.

nectarini1983 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:20:46

Im glad you had this time with your little angel. I think in time itll be a comfort to you.

I totally understand what you mean about delivering the baby. It feels like youve done your duty as their mummy just sadly without the happy ending.

Its been 6 weeks for me now and im still very up and down amd have tears every day. Just be kind to yourself and do what you need to do. Sometimes it just all seems like a dream that ive been woken up from. I can't really believe what weve lost.

My husband was the same but he let it out in the end and seeing him grieve showed me how much he cared and is helping us start to look forward as a family.

God bless xx

dorapeppageorgenoddy Sun 24-Feb-13 21:26:26

Heartbreaking reading your story -

Your babies footprint is already printed on your heart and will be with you forever -

Thinking of you -

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