Hate myself for feeling this jealous

[blankety]

My lovely sister has just had her first baby. I should be over the moon for her and I was all through her pregnancy but suddenly now that the baby's here, I'm feeling awful, bitter emotions of sadness and jealousy and grief.

I'm very lucky and have a wonderful 2 y.o DS. When I'm rational, not insane like this, I know how incredibly lucky I am to have him. But last year DH & I lost 2 pregnancies (13 weeks terminated due to genetic disorder & 8 weeks miscarriage) and haven't had any luck conceiving again. I think I'm perimenopausal although I'm "only" 36 - periods all over the place, sore boobs, palpitations, suddenly got a turkey neck & wrinkly knees etc - so it's looking v unlikely that we'll ever have another little one.

I was so excited and thrilled for Dsis to be having her first baby so I can't believe the way I'm feeling now it's happened. Have been crying all afternoon. I'm shocked and so ashamed but this feeling is coming from somewhere deep inside, I can't really make sense of it.

After I lost my pregnancies last year, I had real trouble coping with friends' ones and found it painful to hear their updates but I never thought I'd be this way with a family member and I even said to my sister before she got pg and I was venting to her, "don't worry, I'm only bitter and twisted about my friends being pregnant, I'll be sooo happy for you and BIL!".

Can't believe I'm reacting this way :(
Also, silly but my mum said she's pleased Dsis has had a girl as she "wanted a granddaughter". Am sure she didn't mean any slight on DS but in my emotionally messed up state, I feel hurt on his behalf as it seems like everyone wants girls these days and boys are a consolation prize. The pregnancy DH & I terminated after CVS last year was another little boy and one of our friends said it must have been easier for us to lose him as he was another boy rather than if he'd been a girl.

[SaggyOldClothCatpuss]

Friends can be bloody insensitive!!
I went through a MC a few weeks ago, and seeing PG people and babies is torture. What I console myself with is that I wouldnt wish what I went through on my worst enemy and these big bumps and babies mean they dont have to. It doesnt make me feel any better for myself, but its a little comfort.
Im 37, and havent weathered well, have dreadful periods, palpitations and a delightful turkey neck, but nobody has ever mentioned peri menopause. Im just unfit, overweight and ugly! Dont give up hope. 36 is nothing. It seems to be normal starting age nowadays!
Weve still got time, this can happen for us. I'll hold your hand if you hold mine. {{hug}}

[Bakingtins]

at your friend's insensitivity. Hope you put her straight.

It's normal to feel jealous and oversensitive. A new addition to the family is an emotional time for everyone and I'm sure it brings back what might have been for you. It doesn't mean you love your sister or your new niece any less, it's just another stage in the grief rollercoaster that comes back to bite you when you don't expect it.

There's a lovely thread here for people TTC after MC who will all understand how you feel, if you fancy joining us.

[blankety]

Thanks for the hug saggy and I'm so sorry to hear you lost your baby. It must still be very raw at the mo, hope you've got lots of support at home. How far on were you? Definitely here to hold your hand, I hope you have better luck very soon

baking I said that we'd have been delighted to have another little boy but didn't say it in an offended tone as I was kind of in shock that she'd actually said it and it didn't really sink in until later. It was at the hospital on the day of the termination (she came to support me as DH had to work). So I can't be angry with her because her being there in the first place was extremely kind and supportive but what she said has stayed with me all the same.

It really is a rollercoaster of emotions, I honestly thought it had stopped by now though and that I had sort of come to terms with things so this has been such a shock. Just hope none of it is obvious to my family especially Dsis and BIL.

[SaggyOldClothCatpuss]

I was 6 and a bit weeks. I'm doing ok.
We can be an old birds quiche of two if you like!

[PurplePoppySeed]

I think the jelousy is natures way of making us try and try again. The day I found out I had a MMC last November (at 8 weeks) one of my friends posted her 8 week scan on Facebook. Turned out she had also had spotting and gone in for a check.

She got the good news and decided to tell everyone that day she was pregnant, meanwhile I got the bad news. Unbelievably bad timing on all parts, we would have been due the same weekend in June, gone through the whole pregnancy together and even now I'm jelous. I don't think it goes away even when/if you do manage to get pregnant again.

I truly hope you do both get there again, don't give up hope.

[Quodlibet]

Blankety I think you need to give yourself a break. You've been through a hugely traumatic time with two losses. You are clearly still undergoing the grief process. As others have said, the pain you feel about your sister's baby isn't bad feeling directed at her, it's deep pain over your own loss coming to the surface. The things your friend said were deeply insensitive for sure, but its not surprising you feel raw and easily hurt too - I am still feeling like I have no 'emotional immune system' after my MC, I can't brush things off as I would have done before.

While I think it's really natural to have depressing thoughts about your fertility after MC, might there be another explanation, rather than that you are perimenopausal? I would have thought 2 losses in a year would throw your cycles right out of whack. I also think a MC or a pregnancy visibly ages everyone, unfortunately. The palpitations could be stress related. You've been through a lot this year and so has your poor body - but it might not be as bad as you fear.

I have read a couple of good books about miscarriage - one called Unspeakable Losses which I would recommend, it has helped me to realise that I was expecting myself to get over it far more easily than I should, and these things run very deep. I hope you feel better soon and can enjoy your niece, as I am sure you want to. Grief comes in waves - this will abate.