On Feb 22 last year, DH & lost our very much wanted, DD1 at 32 weeks. We are "fortunate" in that we know why it happened. We were devastated, but we got on with dealing with it because there was nothing we could do to change things. I saw a counselor, supposedly to "get over it", didn't discuss anything to do with the loss of our daughter - it was too raw, and ended up quitting the counseling. because I felt stupid talking about myself
In September, I had a MMC at 13 weeks and had an ERPC. Again, we were devastated, but dusted ourselves down, booked a skiing holiday for my birthday in January (as far removed from me being pregnant and pregnancy as we could get) and got on with it, then went on holiday... except the chalet we were staying in had a woman (PL - pregnant lady) in it who was 15 weeks pregnant and boy did she let everyone know - constantly asking the chalet staff if she could eat stuff, making a massive issue of the fact she couldn't drink and basically being very in your face. One night, stupidly, we got onto the subject of how her pregnancy was going and children...
We were discussing the merits of EBF and FF. PL held an opposing view to me, and when I disagreed with her, she then turned around and said "Well, your opinion is not valid, you don't have children, and I'm the pregnant one". (DH thought I was going to climb across the table and lamp her one!). In her defence I suppose, she wasn't aware of the fact that DH & I have lost 2 children this last year. The "throw away" comment was like a hammer blow. I went back to our room on the pretext of needing something and cried & cried.
I think I must have delayed grief or something. The last couple of weeks, since I've got back have been horrendous. I feel like I have been hit by a train. I seem to burst into tears for no reason, I can't bear to be around pregnant women (which is difficult because a close friend is due to give birth in 2 weeks), and I can't stop thinking of the daughter DH and I lost. It doesn't help that her birthday is in 2 weeks time and I'm finding it incredibly hard.
DH is wonderful. He really is. Fortunately, I can tell him how I'm feeling and he really understands. But I feel so self indulgent and "pathetic". I should just be getting on with things - I can't change the outcome of what happened, no matter how much I want to, and it's truly shit. Things aren't helped by the fact that although we both want to try again, we're also scared shitless that it will all go wrong again - that's even if I manage to get a BFP.
Does anyone have any advice to get through this? I am really starting to lose the plot.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Didn't realise it would affect me this much. :(
9 replies
QuietTiger · 09/02/2013 16:50
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