Didn't realise it would affect me this much. :(

[QuietTiger]

On Feb 22 last year, DH & lost our very much wanted, DD1 at 32 weeks. We are "fortunate" in that we know why it happened. We were devastated, but we got on with dealing with it because there was nothing we could do to change things. I saw a counselor, supposedly to "get over it", didn't discuss anything to do with the loss of our daughter - it was too raw, and ended up quitting the counseling. because I felt stupid talking about myself

In September, I had a MMC at 13 weeks and had an ERPC. Again, we were devastated, but dusted ourselves down, booked a skiing holiday for my birthday in January (as far removed from me being pregnant and pregnancy as we could get) and got on with it, then went on holiday... except the chalet we were staying in had a woman (PL - pregnant lady) in it who was 15 weeks pregnant and boy did she let everyone know - constantly asking the chalet staff if she could eat stuff, making a massive issue of the fact she couldn't drink and basically being very in your face. One night, stupidly, we got onto the subject of how her pregnancy was going and children...

We were discussing the merits of EBF and FF. PL held an opposing view to me, and when I disagreed with her, she then turned around and said "Well, your opinion is not valid, you don't have children, and I'm the pregnant one". (DH thought I was going to climb across the table and lamp her one!). In her defence I suppose, she wasn't aware of the fact that DH & I have lost 2 children this last year. The "throw away" comment was like a hammer blow. I went back to our room on the pretext of needing something and cried & cried.

I think I must have delayed grief or something. The last couple of weeks, since I've got back have been horrendous. I feel like I have been hit by a train. I seem to burst into tears for no reason, I can't bear to be around pregnant women (which is difficult because a close friend is due to give birth in 2 weeks), and I can't stop thinking of the daughter DH and I lost. It doesn't help that her birthday is in 2 weeks time and I'm finding it incredibly hard.

DH is wonderful. He really is. Fortunately, I can tell him how I'm feeling and he really understands. But I feel so self indulgent and "pathetic". I should just be getting on with things - I can't change the outcome of what happened, no matter how much I want to, and it's truly shit. Things aren't helped by the fact that although we both want to try again, we're also scared shitless that it will all go wrong again - that's even if I manage to get a BFP.

Does anyone have any advice to get through this? I am really starting to lose the plot.

[Dolallytats]

I'm so sorry for your losses. I really think that trying counselling again would be a good idea. I'm glad that you and your husband can talk through things together. You are definitely not pathetic, you have been through some hugely difficult times, I can't even begin to imagine how you feel.

Most of all be kind to yourself xx

[Susieloo]

Firstly I think it's really important that you know that you are having a normal reaction to a really awful situation, you're grieving and its the oldest cliche in the book but it really will get easier with time and it can come in waves so sometimes you will feel okay and then others, like now, it will feel unbearable. You are not pathetic and please stop telling yourself that, all you can do is be as kind to yourself as possible and maybe try and accept the feelings rather than trying to talk yourself out of feeling that way or telling yourself you should be over it.

I'm not in any way an expert and I have not experienced anything similar so hopefully someone else will come along with some advice for you. I'm so very sorry for your losses

[spanky2]

You have to grieve for your babies . She is a rude woman . Your grief needed to come out. I think you and dh should do something nice on your daughter's birthday . I am so sorry for your loss.

[taketheribbon]

Oh how awful. Poor, poor you. I'm so very sorry. That woman was beyond dreadful and I'm not suprised it's set you back.

I'd second the previous posters who've said maybe try counselling again. After I'd had 3 miscarriages, my doctor suggested I see Cruse (not sure of the spelling - Cruze, Cruise?) anyway - it's bereavement counselling. I didn't go, but just the fact that she recognised how hard it had all been made me feel a bit happier because like you, I felt that I should just be getting on with it (which I was on the outside but inside I was raging).

Use the information from organisations like Tommy's, or The Miscarriage Association run support groups and have information about professional counselling. Have a look anyway.

I am so, so sorry.

[catlover83]

I am so sorry for your losses. I dont think you should feel that you should be moving on, maybe now is just the right time for you to grieve fully and thoroughly. Who said you have to do things according to a timetable?
I have been for counselling and it is a wonderful thing to have someone whose job it is to hear how you really feel, rather than to expect to tell you back how they feel and have you respond to that. It isnt about being weak, in fact I think, looking back, the bravest thing I ever did was make the call and try it. I have had many years running away from my real feelings and trying to be as 'brave' as I thought others thiught I should be. Even now I dont really tell lots of people how i feel (am currently pg again after 2 mmc and am petrified...)
Maybe it would help to think of your current sadness as a way to really honour the love for your two lost ones.
In any case, I am sending you my thoughts and some hugs. MN is another good place to come for all these things!

[QuietTiger]

Thank you all for your kind words, they really help.

DH and I have decided to scatter DD1's ashes on her birthday next week. It somehow seems appropriate. :)

[RubyrooUK]

I know people have already said this but you are not being at all pathetic. What has happened to you is enormous - ENORMOUS - and deserves grief.

I have never had a loss as late as yours, but I have lost earlier babies. I am a massive coper and immediately "moved on" each time or at least tried to. With my last loss, I actually let myself grieve. I found this really good for me in letting go and being able to develop the courage and resilience to try again. I developed little tricks that worked for me (not saying this would be right for you at all though). So for example, I bought a beautiful, outrageously expensive scarf in memory of my last lost baby and every time I wear it, I feel good knowing how much I loved that baby and a bit of them lives on with me in my everyday life. For me, the idea that my love lives on comforts me a bit.

I also think that if counselling is something that you think would work for you and your DH, you should consider it.

As for the woman, well, she was just rude. I am lucky enough to have a DS now and I have had all sorts of interesting conversations about children/feeding with parents and non-parents alike. She was just a bit of a silly person - don't give her too much headspace. The only importance she should ever have to you is that by being an arse, she let you realise you needed to grieve.

All the best.

[holidaysdistantmemory]

Just a short message to say what a horrific insensitive woman, and hope that it gets less painful for you over time. I found out I had a mmc at my 12 week scan last year, and went back to work straight afterwards and pretended to carry on as normal. It only hit me later, and on 'significant dates' like the due date etc. I now have a quiet weep sometimes. My dh didn't want the baby so felt like i was going through it alone, at least your dh sounds lovely. Good luck and sending lots of supportive virtual hugs x

[chummy1]

ohhh QuietTiger, you poor girl. Losing a child has to be the worst experience that anyone can suffer. No wonder you are still feeling raw, its been less than 12 months. I have friends who have experienced something very similar and as previously mentioned by others on this board, time is a great healer, time and talking and thinking and crying and letting yourself grieve. There is no easy answer... you just have to take each day as it comes. My friends that experienced a similar situation, went on to have more children. They are now happy. The pain did ease. I don't know if this helps you at all... You've been through such a traumatic experience, may be talking with a professional may help you to come to terms with your loss?

As i have said above, I cannot begin to understand how you felt when you lost your DD however I can understand your fear of TTC and failing. I am there too. Its emotionally draining. You cannot tell anyone why you feel so emotional, out of it and utterly desperate to just 'do what everyone else around you seems to be able to achieve'

Everywhere i look there are pregnant woman! Its hard and I've just bled after 6 days past my period due date. Having never been late before, I thought I was pregnant :( Currently have no idea what is going on! period late, 2 day light bleed, BFN and in turmoil! Nothing compared to your loss and grief but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you.... if i give up trying (for fear of more pain and god knows, this time i said "enough I cannot go through this anymore" ) I think I'll regret not trying everything possible.... just my thoughts and no idea if my message brings you any comfort. I hope it does and will light a candle for your tomorrow evening.

ps the lady that was on your skiing holiday may suffer from 'anger rudeness during pregnancy' my sister is a mare when pregnant .... she is just awful and her poor DH really 'gets it in the neck'.. she just doesn't seem able to help it... and she tries! she just feels angry and impatient and intolerant all of the time! wow does she have a short fuse! post pregnancy, she is lovely again! May be the offending lady suffers from the same. Try not to worry about her words and focus on you..