Presumed MMC discovered at 12week scan today. Coping tips please.

(33 Posts)
Quodlibet Mon 24-Dec-12 14:58:13

Our 12 wk scan this morning was heart-breaking. Only a very small yolk/pole/something to be found. I knew when she got the dildocam out it was all over.

Because whatever is there is too small to accurately diagnose as a MMC (although it is, because I am 100% certain of when I conceived and would be 12 weeks today) they have sent me away to come back in a week.

We left the hospital stunned and full of questions. They didn't give us any info about what might happen now or what my options will be in a week if it doesn't begin naturally in the meantime. I have started spotting so I think it might.

To top it off we are en route to Xmas at the in-laws/my parents. We had to get straight in the car after the scan and start driving. So if it does start, which I now realise might be really bad, I will be away from home.

Can someone gently let me know what I am in for please? We are still reeling.

avignon Mon 07-Jan-13 11:13:36

And to you Sophie. Lots of them.

SophieBirkBirk Sun 06-Jan-13 15:01:07

Well I'm sending you lots of sticky vibes! Work might help you take your mind off it alittle thanks

avignon Sun 06-Jan-13 10:08:04

Oh my goodness quodlibet, that's absolutely awful. I feel terrible for you. Just about the last thing you need when you are just trying together your life back together. Is an infection really likely to affect your fertility? I'm no expert but I would have thought the body will bounce back from this. Try not to worry about that as well as everything else, just concentrate on getting better.

Thank you Sophie for your sweet message. I have had a bit of bleeding and cramping but nothing too bad. Dreading going back to work on Monday. No- one knows, thank goodness, so will have to make up some story about flu. Just hope I can hold it together emotionally. Feel like Quod, one minute ok, the next can't face leaving the house.

Love and hugs to you both.

SophieBirkBirk Sat 05-Jan-13 20:02:05

Avignon, so sorry about your loss! I had a D&C on 20th December and I havent bled at all since! Nor sure if this is normal, but if tou need anything make sure you go to your Gp. Best of luck for 2013 thanks

Quodlibet Sat 05-Jan-13 16:51:27

So I've had a set-back: thought I was fine, went out yesterday to a work meeting and in the evening to a show we had booked, and ended up spending the night shivering violently and with a temp over 100 - now on ABs for a presumed uterus infection. I feel really stupid for not cancelling the show and going home when I was tired, I feel like I have brought this on myself and now have this shit infection, which is making me feel dreadful. All my positive thinking is gone too and I am now really worried that it will affect my fertility. I feel kicked in the face just as I was starting to get myself together and get back on track. sad

Sorry for the whinge.

Quodlibet Fri 04-Jan-13 11:18:19

Hi Avignon, I'm glad your ERPC went well, and that your body let you know it was over first. I have had the same as you - a strange survivors high the day after which made me really chirpy and upbeat, and then yesterday I was reduced to tears because the pressure of leaving the house to make an appointment was unmanageable. And also, to top it off, why were the birds outside still singing? Feeling very flat and it's hard to get anything done.
Don't feel guilty about feeling OK at times (you need to feel OK at times) - be kind to yourself. thanks

avignon Fri 04-Jan-13 10:40:05

Hi

Had my eprc yesterday. The staff etc were all really lovely. I actually started spotting in the morning which was a sort of relief in a way as it confirmed to me I was doing the right thing. Physically I feel ok, minimal bleeding and little ramping but emotionally, that's another thing altogether. Really struggling. Ok one minute, and feeling guilty about feeling ok, and then sobbing the next. How's anyone else getting on?

Quodlibet Wed 02-Jan-13 11:10:24

Avignon mine has been extremely minimal. I know it can vary but they (docs) say it's normally no worse than a heavy AF. Mine has been much less.

Bumper sorry things have started for you. I totally agree about the NHS.

avignon Wed 02-Jan-13 11:02:56

Bumper, going back and forth to hospital must be taking its toll. i hope you aren't having to be treated amongst a whole bunch of ante-natals?

Can I ask, either of you (bumper, quod), how much bleeding should i expect after the d&c?

bumpertobumper Wed 02-Jan-13 00:43:52

Avignon, I understand your feelings about having a d&c with no bleeding, was in a similar position the first time i MC. But for me, as Quod says, it was a relief. Once it was done, felt that I wasn't in limbo anymore and could start coming to terms with what had happened.
Quod, thanks for the support, and wisdom flowers.
I went for a scan today, fears confirmed, but also bleeding heavily so seems to be coming 'naturally' - I have a follow up appt tomorrow to asses the situation re next steps (not many staff on today, given the date).
Caroline, sorry for your loss, there are a few of us in the same boat at this moment sad. Everyone wishing each other happy new year, but not feeling happy at all... Here's hoping that 2013 gets better from here on in! Some good times ahead ttc, and with some good luck, even the possiblity of a bundle of joy by this time next year... fingers crossed.

On a side note, having to hand over cash to visit the GP or hospital really hits home how lucky we are to have the nhs, it must be protected

Carolinewilliams Wed 02-Jan-13 00:09:37

Hi Quod, your last paragraph there just gave me some peace I have been searching for since starting to miscarry over a week ago. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope this new year brings you a healthy pregnancy xxx

Quodlibet Tue 01-Jan-13 22:38:12

Avignon, yes in a way, although more I felt thankful that I had been spared the pain of a natural MC. I do wonder if my body hung on to it over Xmas and then started to deal with it when I got home the day before my ERPC. I had been spotting for 10 days and had lost all my symptoms so I didn't feel pg any more really. The hormonal shift that is starting now though is still difficult.

I think I felt different to you, as the finality for me hit me at the first scan. I also don't feel like I have lost a baby, as I'd never seen it and indeed my pg never developed even into a fetal pole (I understand how other people might feel they had in the same position). DP and I feel we have lost the possibility of the baby we imagined we would have, if the difference makes sense. I can't imagine the pain your friend must have experienced.

One thing that has been a reassuring thought for us is that our capacity to love expanded to make room for that future child as soon as we got the BFP, and even though that possible child isn't going to arrive to fill that space, that extra capacity and extra love is still there, for me and DP to share at this difficult time, and for the future.

avignon Tue 01-Jan-13 18:18:50

My lovely friend came to see me today and was so incredibly supportive. She carried her baby full term and lost him stillborn. If anything is worse than what we are all going thro or have been thro, it is surely that. We both sobbed for our loss and heartbreak. Oh bumper, lying there on your own thinking the worst and trying to hang on to hope. I hope and pray for a miracle for you.

I am dreading not so much the d&c procedure but more the finality of it. Today I still have baby in me and no bleeding. Thurs evening I will come home empty and, irrational as it seems, I feel as tho I am terminating my baby. The rational me knows that isn't what I'm doing but I can't get this nightmarish thought out of my head.

Was it strangely reassuring, Quod, to hear your cervix was dilated? I would actually like to bleed a bit as confirmation that this is inevitable.

Quodlibet Tue 01-Jan-13 15:29:44

That's a lovely tradition Adverse, what a nice way to remember. Thanks for that perspective, it's useful to hear. Sorry for your loss too.

Adversecalendar Mon 31-Dec-12 22:00:02

I'm posting here because six years ago to the day it was me leaving a hospital on NYE with my womb empty. You can all get through this, there will be times when the pain is very raw and you feel all joy is lost and it is difficult. I found the anger stage easier than the sad stage. I allowed myself to feel all the emotions that I got however tiring.

I buy a small bauble to put on my Christmas tree every year to remember my little DS, love to everyone having to endure this or who has been through this.

Quodlibet Mon 31-Dec-12 21:53:21

Oh bumper you poor thing. When are you going home? ((Hugs)) to you. And fingers crossed.

bumpertobumper Mon 31-Dec-12 21:44:27

Hi, hugs to you guys... and looking for some myself to be honest...

I am 10 weeks, but have been nervous that all was not as it should be as have had no pregnancy symptoms for a few weeks, the same as when I had a MMC a few years ago. started bleeding yesterday, heavier today, in another country as with my parents for xmas so not as straightforward to get a scan, and subsequent treatment if necessary. For now, trying to hang on to feint hope that it might be ok, but fear not...
DP has gone home already, so lying in bed alone on NYE, with my poor mum popping in occasionally to see if i want anything, dad and brother being sweet but not sure what to say. Worse places to be I suppose, but sad to be facing this again. Last time it happened, like PP, I turned up for 12 wk scan to find out nothing was growing. waited a week, then eprc which I was so glad of at that stage - couldn't bear the thought of waiting for it to come out any longer. Not sure what I'll do this time, prob wait til i get home, but the journey with two DS (5 & 2) is daunting, in case there is an eruption in my pants.

In terms of dealing with it, ups and downs, brew wine and chocolate, DP, family and good friends. and the old cliche - time all help, but be patient with yourself and indulge the emotions, grieve. Feel for sazzababs, the time when you would have been due is hard.

Quodlibet Mon 31-Dec-12 21:09:23

I find it consoling only because so many other women have survived it, despite it feeling like the end of the world - it can't be because 1/5 of us have to go through it. It's like stepping through a door you never ever wanted to go through, but finding a horrible place populated by many strong, brave people. My surgeon today was very reassuring about how very common it is. I think it's important to remember that you are amongst a large number, even if its something no one talks about enough.

Please don't worry about the D&C. Today has actually been relaxing compared to the couple of days after the scan, I've honestly had worse times at the dentist having a filling and I am someone who hates hospitals. My surgeon told me afterwards that my cervix was open and it looked likely I would have miscarried naturally within a couple of days, and I am so so relieved to have avoided that. It really felt like the doctors were doing me an amazing kindness.

avignon Mon 31-Dec-12 20:57:56

Thank you so much for your lovely message. Yes my dp is reasonably supportive and I have a lovely friend I am seeing tomorrow. Thank you for your comments re d+ c which is worrying me but better than waiting day after day for something to happen.

Is it consoling to know so many of us go thro this horror? I don't know. I feel very sad for myself and for you and for anyone else who has had their dreams so cruelly shattered.

Happy 2013? Lets hope so.

Quodlibet Mon 31-Dec-12 17:01:25

Oh Avignon you poor thing. It's a horrible horrible shock isn't it? I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this. Have you got some RL support?
I think in the first few days you just cope in any way you can - for me it involved a lot of crying and the whole gamut of emotions - grief, anger, despair, hope - all following each other very quickly.

I have just got back from a D&C, and one small thing it might help you to know is that the procedure is absolutely fine, all the medical staff were wonderfully kind to me, there is no pain and it is all over very quickly. If there was any small mercy to this horrible time, how surprisingly ok the whole thing was today was it.

Be kind to yourself. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

avignon Mon 31-Dec-12 16:18:59

Hi

I've not posted anything in a while. The last time last time was on an ivf thread and fertility. Couldn't believe it when this cycle worked and all looked great at8 week scan. Excitedly talking names etc. went for scan today at 10+5 and the nurse couldn't find a heartbeat. After 15 mins + of trying, they told me foetus was only measuring a little over 8 wks and I should expect to miscarry or go for d&c. I was numb with shock. I went in pregnant and came out carrying a dead baby. How do you cope with this?

Quodlibet Sun 30-Dec-12 20:51:31

Thanks Sass, sorry to hear your 2012 has been rubbish too. I would love to have some time off, but unfortunately I am self-employed so it's really hard for me to do so - wish I could have some paid sick leave right now!! Glad to hear too that ERPC was a good option. Fingers crossed it will all be over for me tmw.

sazzababs Sun 30-Dec-12 00:20:36

Hi Quod,
I've seen you around as I was on the Elders thread for a bit before I kinda lost it :/ I had a mmc at 13 weeks when at the 12 week scan in July :/ Seriously wasn't what we were expecting, but I knew something was up when the dildocam came out!

I've had a few particularly rough days as I should be 5 week to go and off work. Instead I'm full of self-pity and working over Xmas sad All I can say is that I'm sooo glad I went for the ERPC option and also had a week to wait, which was total pish... However, I had an evening of slight cramps, a few week of bleeding and a lovely hubby to help and support me. Normal cycles resumed about 6 weeks later. 2 months off work also helped, but that was also bereavement leave on top of sick leave. Yeshhhhh, 2012 can truly bugger off and it's all about the 'Lucky 13' for all of us smile

Hope you're ok x

Quodlibet Thu 27-Dec-12 16:44:16

Thanks Ella. Sorry you hqve had to do this too. After spending a long time trying to get through to EPAU today I have spoken to someone and managed to get myself booked in for an ERPC on Monday pm once they have done my second scan. They won't do anything, frustratingly, until a week has passed because they can't tell for definite that the pregnancy is not viable until then - which feels very cruel as I absolutely know it isn't. But at least now I have a definite end point to focus on and I think it will be very relieving to draw a line under it in 2012 too.

EllaRees Thu 27-Dec-12 14:07:48

Hello, I am so sorry to hear you have had bad news. I also had a MMC diagnosed at my 12 week scan on 4 Dec and it was a terrible shock as everything seemed very normal. I imagine having to do that car journey immediately afterwards was awful for you both.

I had an ERPC 2 days later as I knew I wanted to get it over asap. I think if you tell them clearly that is what you want, it can be done in day surgery at short notice. I actually walked my own notes down to the admissions desk to arrange the ERPC rather than wait for hospital admin to contact me.

I have been really sad, and it takes time to process all the emotions and disappointment, and I found that after the initial shock had passed I could feel ok one minute then despair again the next - still very up and down. I also rang the miscarriage association helpline and spoke to a very good advisor so I'd recommend that. I know not everyone feels the same but I hope it helps you to hear about another experience. I'm on the Laura Ashley thread too and find it really useful as you have something always there you can turn to in the weeks ahead. I hope all goes smoothly for you and you get the treatment you need from now on.

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