Wanting another baby after miscarriage DH says No.

(10 Posts)
VmSC Wed 07-Nov-12 10:40:49

I gave birth to my son in April at 21 weeks, it has been a devastating time and I am still overwhelmed by the sadness. I really believe the only thing that got me through those initial days and the delivery was the belief that this was not my last experience of giving birth that I would have another baby.
My DH however told me in July that he does not want anymore children, it has totally crushed me. We already have two beautiful DD (8 and 3) and he had to be persuaded to have number 3. We struggled to have number 2 (3 missed miscarriages) and so we agreed to try for the third until the summer and if nothing happened we would stop. He feels I am going back on that agreement, his view is we tried for a baby there is no baby so that's the end. He also now sights all the reasons he did before for not having another, money, time, his age (he is 14 years older than me). And of course he is worried what will happen if it all goes wrong again. I totally hear what he is saying and respect his view, he is right in much of what he says. But he does not hear me, he does not feel my pain, he was of course devastated that we lost our son but he says he does not feel it like I do, that it was a pregnancy that went wrong he doesn't feel the loss of the child we should now have. I miss the baby I didn't carry full term and I miss and long for the son who should be sat here now with me, he just didn't feel the way I did about the baby, he says that connection does not come for him until the baby is here in his arms. We feel like we are oceans apart, I know if he felt my pain and how desperately I want it to stop that he would agree to us having another baby. I know another baby will not replace the son we lost but I felt like there was a space in our family for a third child now that space is a giant gaping hole waiting to be filled.
I feel like I could stop breathing from the pain and cry so much, the trouble is now I don't know what or who I am crying for, the child I lost, the child I feel I will never have, the huge stress on my marriage or all of them!
yesterday DH called me while I was working, with excitement in his voice to tell me his friends wife had just had a little boy, I just said "oh" he sounded very shirty with me and said"what does that mean Oh" i said "just how very lucky for them" with a note of anger I must admit. He just signed like oh god here we go she's still not got over it. I just burst out crying. When I told him later how I felt he was totally bemused and quite aggressive with me, he said I knew she was having a baby so whats the problem and that its not their fault. Of course he's right but it just reminds me how far apart we are on this subject and reinforces my belief he will never change his mind.
Please if anyone has had a similar experience please let me know, I suppose I am looking for some hope or just to be heard.

Poor you, so sorry for your loss. I jjust had a mc at 7 weeks, I haven't had a similar late mc experience to you, but didn't want to read and run. What you've been through is horrendous and of course you aren't going to be "over it" yet, your husband sounds like he's being very insensitive calling you to announce a baby's birth, would it have been so hard to not call you about it? To mention in passing when he got home instead? He obviously just doesn't get it.

I completely understand when you say you had a space in your family for a new baby and it hasn't just gone away. Obviously my mc was far less traumatic and devastating than yours as it was very early, but we are in the same situation, I have two dc and we wanted a third. The space in our minds and hearts has been made and until we have a third I don't think we'll feel complete any more. So I do see what you mean.

I'm so sorry your dh has decided he doesn't want to try again, it must be so upsetting for you. I can see his point but I agree that he doesn't seem to be able to put himself in your shoes. By 21weeks I'm sure you felt movement and formed the usual attachment you would a very much wanted baby. To you it was real (and he was!) and it's shit that your dh doesn't feel the same, at least enough to validate your feelings on the subject because they are valid. It was your baby, you're allowed to grieve for it.

I have no advice on what to do, really. it's so tricky, probably all you can do is try to confide in someone other than him so you can get the emotional support you need while he can get the break from discussing it which he appears to want. Perhaps when it isn't so raw, it'll be easier to talk about how you're both feeling with regards to having another baby. I hope he comes around to your point of view, and if that happens, I wish you a very happy healthy 9 months x

livismum Wed 07-Nov-12 13:42:37

So sorry for your losses! We too have been trying for a 3rd DC, had a mmc in June and now am 6 weeks pg and bleeding (appointment at EPU tomorrow) don't think I hold out much hope sad

So many people I know are PG, today I had messages re a baby shower for one friend (due just after I should have been) I'm not strong enough to reply today!

My DH is very sweet even he remarked on all the pregnancies and how it's not fair, I'm scared that he might turn around and say enough, it's not worth the heartache and we are lucky to have had the 2DD's, but it's almost harder knowing what we are missing iyswim! I really want another DC I am trying to be strong so if he thinks I'm copying he might be happy to try again, so grateful for all the support on here, but it's rubbish so many people go through similar heartache xxxx

willitbe Wed 07-Nov-12 18:08:12

It is hard when the grief of a miscarriage (especially when as late as yours) is unequally felt between the parents.

My dh (after I had had a few miscarriages) got to the point where he no longer got excited by me being pregnant, he shut off his emotions from connecting with the unborn child. This meant that even more than previously he no longer felt the grief of the lost pregnancy.

He openly admitted he did not feel the pain of the miscarriages as I did, he did not have the hormonal upset either. It got to a point where he said no more. This was more due to his concern over my wellbeing rather than anything else.

I think that when men see their wives distressed from miscarriage, it is easier for them to say no more, and try to protect thier wives and themselves from the potential repeat of the upset.

Men don't often feel the need to procreate as women often do. The fact that your dh had already conceeded to try with a timeframe limit, suggests that he was going for child number 3 for you, rather than because he wanted it. So now he would see the risk of more upset with the risk of another miscarriage, as a step too far. He wants to prevent more upset and this outweighs anything else.

He can't possibly understand the space that needs to be filled in the family structure.

My dh each time after later miscarriages said no more. But within a few months, when he has seen me less grief-filled, he has relented and agreed to try again. Much reassurance from me that I would not fall to pieces if it happened again helped.

However the difference between us is that my dh has always been more open to the possibility of a further child (not actively seeking it, but not so anti), and the main reason for him saying no to me, was because of his concern for me.

After 12 miscarriages over 4 years and some counselling for myself, I am in a much better place. The grief will always be there, and the gap at the table remains unfilled, but I can truely say that now I am much easier with the prospect of us staying as a family with three children, rather than the four that I always dreamt of having. Due to my age, the likelyhood of me having a successful pregnancy now is extremely low, and the grief of losing my fertility was part of the grief process that I have been through with the counselling.

Your dh may or may not change his mind with time, but I would be surprised if he did while the grief is still so raw in you. Have you considered counselling for the grief of your loss? Or what about counselling where you could have a neutral person helping you both to come to a concensus on whether to try for another baby would be the best for all the family?

Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to try to say that I have been in a similar place to you, and can understand some of your pain.

woollywomble Wed 07-Nov-12 18:48:39

I'm really sorry to hear what you've been through. I had a mc at 11 weeks in September, this would have been DC3 as we already have two DDs. The pregnancy wasn't planned as my DH always wanted to stop at two, but once the shock had worn off we were looking forward to the new arrival.

When I mcd, I found it very difficult to deal with the thought that this was my last chance at having a baby. Having had a previous mc between the two DDs, the thought of trying again somehow lessened the pain for me. I tried to explain my sense of loss and grief to DH but he didn't really understand, he hadn't connected in the same way to the growing baby, or visualised our future with the new baby. In fact, just two weeks after the mc he told me I should start to move on. When I told him I wanted to try again he said he didn't want to see me go through that pain again, but I told him that not trying was even more painful. Like your DH he was also worried about money and the practicalities of DC3 - but as I kept saying, we would have coped when it happened so what's changed? It's so difficult because this is not something you can compromise on, someone always has to give in to the other's wishes.

At the moment he has reluctantly agreed to try again, but I know this WILL be my last chance, and as I'm 41 it might not ever happen. Try and keep talking to your DH, as another poster has said, it might help for you both to talk to someone neutral. I hope you manage to find some peace with whatever you both decide.

VmSC Tue 05-Mar-13 10:06:20

Hello, thanks to you guys who responded to me at what was a very bad time for me. Things are on the up, DH has agreed for us to try again, yippee, has totally transformed my life just knowing that he is willing to try again and acknowledging how much it means to me. Like so many of these things we discuss there is always so much more to whats going on, just feel we are back on the same page again and he has heard me. So that seems like the easy part, now have just got to conceive, maintain and grow healthy baby, no probs!!!!!!
Like woollywomble this is def my last chance no matter what the outcome. Fingers crossed x

Bakingtins Tue 05-Mar-13 10:38:34

Glad you have resolved it. Good luck - hope you have a BFP and a healthy pregnancy soon.

Shellywelly1973 Tue 05-Mar-13 10:47:45

Reading this thread is really helpful. I had a MMC 10days ago. Had ERPC last Wednesday. I keep thinking about another baby.

I've been incredibly lucky as I've only had one mc, i am amazed at the strength &determination of the women on this thread.

Did people find they quickly started thinking about another pregnancy or was it a slower realisation?

Did it help to think about another baby?

VmSC Tue 05-Mar-13 11:44:18

Hi Shellywelly1973, so sorry to hear about your loss. I suffered 2 MMC in 2008 and both times i wanted to try again straight away after. My first MMC was in the April and I was pregnant again by July which unfortunately ended as well. I then had to stop trying for 6 months due to having a suspected molar pregnancy. As soon as i was able to try again i got pregnant within a month which resulted in a beautiful DD.
I was told you are extremely fertile after a miscarriage and I suppose your body is all geared up for a baby and you are usually at optimum health (no booze, cigarettes, caffeine etc for a few weeks).
The question i think is more about if you and your partner are ready. I would have got pregnant the day after i lost my last baby if that had been humanly possible, having another baby has occupied my whole life since i lost him and for me i know it is the only option for me. All the reasons i wanted another baby are still there and on top of that i feel another baby will help to heal the hurt I feel now. As i said before just knowing we can think about trying for another baby has shifted everything to a more positive light.
I am sure you will have been told to wait until at least you have had your next period, i think that is more for dating the pregnancy than for any specific health reasons. Ultimately when you both feel ready that's the time be it in a couple of weeks or months, don't feel pressured to rush or to hold off by anyone else do whats right for you. Good luck and take care

Glad things are going well for you now, good luck, sending you babydust thanks

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