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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

General advise needed- was feeling positive so far but very down today

24 replies

RedSlippers · 14/10/2011 21:48

Hi, Will try to keep it short (and fail!)- miscarried few weeks ago- was first pregnany, have endometriosis severely so was amazed and beyond excited at (very much planned pregnancy), Can't explain how gutted at miscarriage- but if you're on this board then I guess you're the people who DO understand!!
Anyway, I don't know how to move on- I keep thinking I'm ok, then suddenly I'm not (but the 3 other people who know about it seem to have moved on and never mention it)
Today at work one of my very closest and dearest work friends had her leaving for maternity presentation- all I could think was that should have been me in X months and I could barely hold it together- all I wanted to do was rush to the toilets and sob my heart out. Yet I love her to bits- felt so selfish for my feelings; please tell me this is normal?
I feel like everyone but me has moved on, but yet I'm so very raw still. All the convo at work has been about babies today, and the questions/topics so insensitve to anyone having/had probs.
I know I have asked no questions, so am not waiting answers. I guess I kinda feel lost right now- and am looking for understanding/reassuarance. Thanks for reading.

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susey · 14/10/2011 22:40

Hi. Sorry to hear about the situation you re in, it must be even harder having pregnant colleagues around as a reminder. For me I'm feeling very up and down too, 4 weeks after finding out about my mmc, mostly fine - pragmatic by nature - but every now and then something gets me down. So... no advice really but I know a little of what you are feeling, it was also my first pregnancy.

Beamur · 14/10/2011 22:50

Sorry for your loss. I had a mmc with my first pregnancy and I suspect an early mc with a 2nd - and suddenly I seemed to be surrounded with pregnant women and it was horrible, a good friend of mine announced their pregnancy and all I could feel was jealous and angry - it was their 2nd child too. It did pass, but for many people it is a proper grieving period and takes time to come to terms with the loss of the dreams and hopes you had.
It will affect you, and your partner, much more than anyone else. Other people can vary hugely in how sympathetic they are about this, I had a couple of very tactless comments made to me when I finally told a few people what had happened - but I couldn't talk about it for months, only about 2 people other than my DP actually knew I was pregnant at the time.
I've been fortunate to go on and have a healthy little girl who is now 4, but I still have a blanket that I bought for my 1st baby and feel a little sad and wistful when I see it.
Hope you feel better in your own time and don't feel that it is anyway abnormal to be up and down. A few weeks is a very short time.

mrswoz · 14/10/2011 23:02

Those thoughts about 'it should have been you in X months' don't sound selfish to me - as you said, she is your dear friend, it's not like you begrudge her the happiness of going on maternity leave. If she knows what happened to you recently then to be honest she may have felt quite uncomfortable at the work thing, as she would have guessed that a big fuss would have been a painful reminder for you of what could have been.

Did you expect it to take just a few weeks to move on - each of us is different, so while some may feel they have moved on in a few weeks, some may take months I guess and some may get stuck at a point where they cannot move on any further without counselling or such? Also you didn't say who the 3 other people that know about it are, but it seems likely that one of them is your baby's father - do you no longer discuss it between you, did he deal with it differently to you? Is there any way to reopen the dialogue and get some more support from any one of those three people?

Thinking of you tonight - and I'm sorry for your loss x

RedSlippers · 14/10/2011 23:15

Thank you both so much- MN lovely people have directed me to this board for support (but 1st time I've posted here) and I am grateful and impressed 2 get support so quickly
Susey appreciate your thoughts for me, but at same time hope you're doing ok. It helps so muuch to know I'm not alone. Thank you.
beamur you summed it up better than I could with 'the loss of hopes and dreams you had' that just explains it perfectly. So glad you've gone on to have your little girl.
As you say, am up and down at mo- but hoping it gets better! Have decided to try again straight away- but even tho I feel ready that makes me feel guikty?!?!

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RedSlippers · 14/10/2011 23:21

mrswoz x posts back in 5 mins to reply....

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Beamur · 14/10/2011 23:23

Nothing to feel guilty about - there was a baby shaped hole for me that only DD filled. Good luck.

TheGhostOfMrsWembley · 14/10/2011 23:26

You'll be up and down for a while, but it will get easier. I was going to say 'will pass' but it never really passes, it just gets

TheGhostOfMrsWembley · 14/10/2011 23:34

Hell, sorry, hit send too early.

I was saying it just gets easier but you'll have days where you'll feel it badly for a while yet. A friend told me she was pg when I told get about my mc, she had her DS round about the time I would have had mine and I thought I was over it but looking back, well... I forgot to get a congrats card, my DP had to remind me to get a present, all I wanted to do was visit and see the baby. Looking back I was going through some sort of relapse but I didn't realise it then.

I now have two gorgeous DCs. I sometimes think that my first baby was just waiting for the right body to come along and that first one wasn't quite right. My DD was just born a couple of years later than originally planned. This thought got me through a tough time and helped me come to terms with it.

RedSlippers · 14/10/2011 23:44

mrswoz it was baby's dad, my Mum and StepDad who knew- all darling people who would support if I spoke up- yet I find it impossible in real life. It seems to have gone and past and be done with for them (can't fault any of them for support when MC actually happenned)
But to be honest, if they tried to 'comfort' me I wouldn't like it- so they can't win! But, no-one has mentioned the mc recently, and I don't want that either.. I guess it's a fine balance for all concerned.
However, I've been informed many times that if I post here that lovely ladies who understand will be on hand!!
beamur thanks for taking the time to reply, it's so lovley to be understood cawhen I dn't talk about it in RL!! Thank you.

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RedSlippers · 14/10/2011 23:47

when I don't sorry!

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Moominsarescary · 14/10/2011 23:48

I know how you feel, I have a couple of very supportive friends and a fantastic dp but even close family seem to have moved on ( my baby's funeral was on Tuesday) I feel like my mum especially doesn't understand how I'm feeling

I also feel pretty selfish about how I'm feeling towards pg friends at the moment, it's natural. The day of the baby's funeral I bumped into a friend who had her youngest at the same time as me ( 7 months ago) and was 20 weeks pg ( same as me when I lost Jacob) and I cried, which made her cry, which made me feel bad!

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby

RedSlippers · 14/10/2011 23:54

TGOMW Your words and thoughts do help; hopefully I'll be back here in few months moaning bout preg symptoms :-)
Until, then, like you all say- good days and bad days...
today is just a (guilt/envy/why is it not me/) bad day

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RedSlippers · 15/10/2011 00:07

Moomin- I lost my pregnancy- and my much wanted and dreamed of and apparrently impossible baby- at early stages- I now feel a lil bit silly when I read how much you've been through.
I feel like I may be wasting people's time when I'm not as worse off...at the end of the day tho; I lost my longed for baby and can identify with anyone else who has gone through the same or similar,

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Moominsarescary · 15/10/2011 00:31

Don't ever feel like that, I lost two babies early on and the pain is just as real and as bad, from the min pg begins you have hopes and dreams for your baby

You lost your longed for much loved baby and whatever stage that happens at it is just the most awful feeling and pain

Moominsarescary · 15/10/2011 00:42

I didn't mean to make you feel bad, I just wanted to let you know that what you are feeling I'm feeling to

I also find it difficult talking about it in rl

skinnymuffin · 15/10/2011 22:40

Hello Redslippers, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling like this, but I know it is completely normal, so please don't be hard on yourself. Were you on the May'12 ante-natal thread? Your name sounds familiar. I was, but miscarried last week. Six of my friends whom I see regularly are currently pregnant, well into their second or third trimesters, it is hard but I remind myself I don't want their baby, I want my baby, it seems to help.

I think it takes time for your body and mind to really adjust to what has happened, and while you are feeling like this, even with plenty of good days inbetween, just go easy on yourself, you've been through enough without beating yourself up.

I hope today has been a better day, and I'm here, just like all the others, if you ever need a sympathetic, non judgemental ear.

Sorry for your loss, and all the other ladies on here :(

PicaK · 17/10/2011 19:09

It's totally normal to feel joy and excitement for a pregnant person and pain and sadness for yourself simultaneously. Don't beat yourself up about it - don't feel guilty.

If you suppress the pain you mess with your head and you find it harder to feel the joy. Well that's what I found. You withdraw, find yourself not even seeing new babies when they are born - even when they are right in front of you.

Sometimes you do need to make a quick exit. But live with both emotions - it takes some getting used to but it's the best way.

Hobbit77 · 19/10/2011 08:40

Hey Redslippers, Im really sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage 5 weeks ago & feel completely the same. I was absolutely devastated at the loss of our baby, had so many hopes & dreams & didnt for 1 minute think that my world would come crashing around me. I have really positive days where I am looking to the future & then I have days where I feel like im not coping whatsoever & just want to hide away from the world. My bestest friend in the whole world found out she was pregnant when we got our bad news & she didnt tell me for a couple of weeks because she didnt want to upset me but on the other hand she didnt want to keep it a secret as we're so close. It was bitter sweet news to get, so happy for her but just wanted it to be me. My next door neighbour came home with her newborn the day I had my ERPC, my other neighbour announced she was pregnant & would be due the same time I would have been. Members of family are pregnant & 2 of my other friends are ttc at the moment, im just waiting for their big announcements! I feel like such a horrible person at times for not being overjoyed but I cant help how I feel. Hopefully it will get easier with time & fingers crossed for us all that we get the good news that we are waiting to hear.

RedSlippers · 11/02/2013 16:46

Hi all,

These boards, and the lovely ladies who took the time to reply to my msg in particular, got me through the worst period of my life. To feel I wasn't alone and get support was amazing.

I sincerely hope that this is now not the wrong place to post the following- my intention is to give hope, I hope my news doesn't upset anyone, as I mean it as a positive story.

Although I went through every emotion imaginable back in September 2011 when I miscarried; I am currently watching my darling baby boy sleeping. Yes, against all odds, I conceived again and had a very normal healthy uneventful pregnancy. Every second of the pregnancy scared me, and I never dared hope I would be where I am now. I appreciate how incredibly lucky I was to have a successful pregnancy not that long after, considering what a lot of people go through.

I just wanted to say that I had dark days of despair, and 'why not me???' And all those thoughts/emotions... But I'm sure I appreciate and love my lil bubba all the more for it. It would be insensitive of me to go on about it, but so many of you sent PMs and requested if it ever happened for me that I would let you know.

So, I would just love to let you know my positive outcome, I can truly appreciate how I lucky I am (after multiple miscarriages). So I hope this msg may give hope to others, and if anyone wants to chat ever, I would be there to return the favour and help, as these boards and the lovely posters did for me. Xx

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Bakingtins · 11/02/2013 19:11

Congratulations! How lovely to hear that after all the heartache you had a successful pregnancy. Enjoy your baby.

SpanishLady · 11/02/2013 20:02

Me too - your original posts were so sad - I am very glad you are now a mum!

SaggyOldClothCatpuss · 11/02/2013 22:38

RedSlippers · 14/02/2013 16:15

Thanks ladies, I really was so so sad and heartbroken back then. I read a lot of the boards at the time, and do feel all that we went through has made me appreciate my baby boy so much more.

I also opened up to my partner after posting about how I felt, and that helped massively. I think we were both feeling the same, but keeping it 'locked in' so as not to upset each other.

It's so incredibly difficult, and horrendous, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But, when it finally works out for you, well, it's just incredible xxx

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Mummytothearkbuilder · 14/02/2013 17:16

So lovely to hear your positive story. I am going through a miscarriage at the moment and feeling very sad at the loss of our baby.

It is so reassuring to read people coming through the other side with a positive outcome - thank you for sharing and giving me some hope xx

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